the curse of 'the curse'
Friday night I opened my email account and was delighted to see an email marked as "A friendly reminder!" in the subject line. I clicked it open to read the following:
You have approximately 2 days until the start of your next period!
Love,
Mon.thly.Info
Picking at my teeth with a sharpened bone of one of my more hapless victims ('Twas cute, the way he begged for mercy upon his soul. Ah, Tool Man, we had some good times...), I glanced down at the ravaged remains of those I had slain throughout the day with my emotional talons, evil glares, and fiery responses ("You really want to know why Mommy's crying again!?" I dare you to ask me what's for supper!), the very remains I'd stepped over to get to my laptop and find this friendly reminder (exclamation point!), and thought:
"Yep. That seems about right."
Then, after dislodging a bit of hair and skin that had gotten hung up in the back of my throat when I chewed the heads off my prey, I punched a hole through my computer screen and wrung the neck of the first nice person at Mon.thly.info who happened to be walking by at the same time my giant fist burst through the wall, encased them in my hook-like fingers, and thanked them for their sweet, sweet (awww...'love, mon.thly') email.
For those of you totally consumed with everything about me (you know who you are and, for the record, the feeling is totally mutual!), or who are keeping track of my periods (friendly reminder! love, you), this is my THIRD period in TWO months! In fact, it's my SECOND period in THREE weeks! I'm super lame at math, but when I add this up, the answer seems wrong. I am, however, waiting for a doctor's appointment, and hoping it's not the one where she tells me I'm old now and the magical elves in MenopauseLand are waiting to welcome me, even though I have no proof that there is such a thing as MenopauseLand (though, if there is, I bet the lines are hella long, it's super humid, and the rides are like really, really, really long car trips with my super chatty Mom, thus it would be torture) nor that there are elves there, but if there are, I kind of feel sorry for them, because in the whole elf gig, they drew the worst card, so no wonder I'm bitchy. It's the elves fault.
Or something.
Anyway...so...I guess now's the time where you all go, "Yeah! I'm so glad she wrote about her period again! Because that DOES NOT happen enough around here. It's been a couple weeks since the last time and, I don't know about you, but I was FREAKING THE HELL OUT, man! I was sort of relieved to read about her sexy retail escapes on Friday, but still! I can take a breath now!"
Or, aside from that, feel free to chat me up about whatever you wish in the comments, because I am slowly working my way back to you (except you, You Know Who! I am always with you!) through them, and, I don't know about you, but I think we're going to be very happy together.
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 11:00 PM
49 Comments:
So what did you make for supper? I think I was feeling a tad hormonal myself. I made popovers for supper. And we had them with lots of butter. And my husband didn't complain. He's smart. The end.
Ugh, you just described the emotions that I know will be upon me any day now. Seriously, my PMS is becoming a problem; it hits about two weeks out from the actual period. Or, it may be that I am just a huge bitch and I like to blame it on the monthly.
Either way.
Um ... the menses meets the world wide web? I don't even think I have words for this ...
I have 10 hours until my emotional rollercoaster and yelling and screaming begin.
I'll tell y'all about it later.
That was the saddest thing I have ever read. *sob*
What? It wasn't sad? What do you mean? And NO I don't know what is for dinner tonight and goddammit stop BREATHING NEAR ME!
Should be expecting my email any minute methinks.
The rampage here will begin by week's end. Husband will probably put a block on my e-mail address to avoid the nastygrams I usually send.
Don't even GET ME STARTED on how irritated I am Blogger won't let me get this post set up the way it should be. Oh, and the spelling errors! THE SPELLING ERRORS!! Huh, I thought the bitchy chick who wrote this thing had some fancy pants journalism degree. Next thing you know, she's going to tell you there's 'friend children' for lunch instead of fried chicken...
Wait! That sounds like something that would be good for supper. ACTUAL fried children, which, if they don't submit to the mighty PMS wrath, I may be helpless to prevent...
Ah, the monthlies. My heart goes out to you and your family.
My mother recently had this procedure done where they basically go in and cauterize the uterus lining, and voila, no more periods. She said it was a really quick, simple procedure and she's so glad she did it. I guess you still produce eggs, but there's no place for them to stick to or something like that.
You should ask your doctor about it, you could maybe get it covered by insurance since you are having crazy periods (my mother was to the point of using 2 heavy tampons at once and an overnight pad and bleeding through it in less than an hour, anemic and weak due to the loss of blood, and insane amounts of pain, so it was covered for her)
You should definitely check it out.
Wow. My period is usually once every 5 weeks or so... and that's WAY too often for me with my huge moodswings during PMS. I feel your pain. Yuck.
I'm nervous for the Google searches you're going to have now. Periods for this post and girl on girl action at Target for the last post. But I'm staying! I hate the 'curse'. I don't get an e-minder each month, but me and the girls at work have synced up so we all know when we're starting.
You are advanced. Maybe if you practice, you could have your period EVERY WEEK.
Would these magical elves in MenopauseLand be the Keebler Elves? Because, you know, that'd be kind of cool.
Tell Mom I said hi.
I know it's wrong for me to say this, but I can hardley wait for menopause. My period is so hard!
Maybe they can get you on some birth control pills to even you out? Or different ones if you're already taking some. Good luck though. I would shoot myself if I had 2 periods in a month. Or my husband would do it for me, lol. {{Hugs!}}
Hey, how did FTN get to comment ahead of me? Guess I shouldn't have stopped at Starbuck's on the way to work this morning. . .
Oh, I'm here to tell you that MenopauseLand is real. We've been in the waiting room for about the past year. After years and years of quasi-clockwork, 24-30 day cycles, we've been getting anything from 20-70 days. The 70-day cycles are kinda nice, actually, but just the least bit nerve-wracking ("C'mon, we can't be pregnant at 52, can we?")
Thing is, I don't think they send you an email saying, "That's it - that's the last one; you're officially meno-paused now"; you just kinda have to wait it out. . .
Yeah..I think blogger's been OTR for a couple of weeks now! TMI? sorry...
I tell ya...posts like this? Don't make me miss my uterus one little bit! Nosiree...not one little bit!
Stacie
You know what's bad? When your breath smells like *ss because of all of the ones you've chewed out.
That's one bad side effect of PMS.
Heh.
My young and healthy uterus is totally saddened for your peri-menopausal troubles.
Wink.
You make me fear for what the future holds for me in a decade or more...
Grin.
Lovely weather, eh?
effing periods. they definitely need to be outlawed, man.
Good ols "aunt flo" -that B****!
I still go through PMS symptoms but without the the bitch that follows since having all things female yanked 4 years ago (thanks Cancer, thanks for taking away my ability to pop out more loving spawn for my torture, thank you). But I know when I should have had it - I know, its all in my head, but it screams loud at me, and I too find myself picking remains of those I onced adored from my teeth.
So whats for dinner?
Oh, and that line - yeah its hot, and its long, and if you think you were crabby before, HOLD ON NELLIE, you are in for a ride! :)
Hugs and kisses! bwahahaha!
Three letters for you ... I.U.D. People either love 'em or hate 'em.
Firstly, can I just say, I have a total girl crush! You totally give my funny bone a lady boner.
Anywhoo, yeah, aunt flo is a bloody bitch ain't she? (heh) I've been having issues with my ovarian cysts, and been having my 'gift' TWICE A MONTH FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS! Don't be jealous.
The whole time I was reading I thought, didn't she just tell us all about her period? What's up with that? Go get your plumbing checked out down there!
I started my period today too. So fuck you.
Don't know if you are interested in trying alternative options, but... I had been having 22 day cycles after #2 was born. It felt like all the freakin' time! My regular GP told me to go on birth control pills, but I have had horrific experiences with them in the past (lots of tries, lots of brands for 6 miserable months each). Then I went to an acupuncturist. She put me on 3-6-9 fatty acids and some tinctures that frankly smell like bark and soil, but I am on a 28 day cycle now with almost no cramps at all (which is of course better than the doubled over don't want to leave my bed for two - four days that I was experiencing before.) Obviously not the solution for everyone but it did work for me. Just another option to consider if you don't like your GP's solution.
oh dear.
i'm thinking there's at least a biopsy in your future or some birth control pills along with some lab work.
mmhmm.
since we're sharing, my friend hangs around for about 15 days a month and returns on the 21. so, yeah.
i'm exhausted most days...i'm to the point of letting anyone with a melon baller scoop out my uterus any day now.
Ah, the three week/2 periods gig. Been there. However, next time you might go five weeks before getting one so there is the chance of a plus side.
I say milk it, honey! Our patriarchal society does not let us go on rampages all that often, being all meek and domestic like. Enjoy the quailing in fear. Terrorize and rejoice! Aarrrgh!
(I'm serious, sometimes you just need to stomp around.)
i was just waiting for backpack dad and uncool to chime in... and gratefully, they did not disappoint.
and miraculously: PMS cured!
Would it freak you out if I told you that you and I have apparently brought each other onto twin cycles from halfway across the country?
Yeah. Me too.
My mom had cancer when she was 35, which started her change a bit early. Trust me, MenopauseLand is fucking real. I've been there and it ain't no vacation, lady. However, the doc seemed more than willing to prescribe her the good drugs during this awful time, so there is a silver lining to that bitchy cloud.
That must be like the temp place for all the elves that don't get hired on at the magical Keebler Tree.... Can't make cookies so they just do the voodoo that they do so well.... Bloody Elves! (barumpt chssss)
I'm surprised you didn't end on the song, "I'm workin' my way back to you babe...."
You must be out of it.
In you I lust.
Ugh. The thought of getting an EMAIL telling me when I'm about to get my period just pisses me off. Whose idea was that? Like anybody's going to be glad to get that email!
I'm soooooo not jealous. That sucks harder than a hoover! ;)
Why? Why would subscribe to something that laughs in your face?
I don't need any other remind than the hubs asking "WTF woman! Are you closing in on your ladies' days??"
My hand to heaven that's what he calls it.
I can relate. I must physically restrain myself from talking about my period, or my PMS, or my general bitchiness surely brought on by pre-menopause EVERY DAY.
Oh my gah, I'm so not kidding.
Best of luck to you. My advice is to get some sharp dentures. Better prey-eating. Just give in.
O.K... Few (for me)
I was thinking time is moving too fast. There is no way that hotel post was 1 month ago.
I'm sorry you're cursed. I'm really sorry you have the hormones to go with it! I hope the doc can suggest something to slow you down.
I used to have really bad PMS, but now I went off of the patch, and I haven't had an "M" in a blue "S". Probably should see a doctor about that, but I can't say I've missed the old bitch.
We can twitter our way through hot flashes! Now THAT's entertainment.
Some people blog about beer, some about periods. I can totally respect that. ;)
Put on some Neil Diamond and pour yourself of glass of wine. You deserve it.
If ToolMan needs a place to stay or something, tell him to hit me up. I can't let a fellow man stay in such a dangerous environment.
I'm almost afraid to comment, I'm not gonna have a fist come out at me from my screen am I? lol
Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard at your PMS symptoms.
I myself turn into a banshee like creature with a piercing shriek and uncontrollable bloat the week before my period, so I your post spoke to me on a very deep level.
Take it from someone who is advancing into menopause at 33, some syptoms of menopause are hotflashes,I'm not talking about the ones you get when it's extreamly hot outside. My obgyn sent me in for blood work found that my testosterone level had decreased to 20% below normal, she ordered an expensive cream that I'm having to for quite some time. And tomorrow I'm going in for an alutra sound due to bleeding when I should not have bleeding.
S.R.
I've been like this for oh, 5 months now? I get more hormonal and wacky while pregnant than I ever do when I'm getting my period.
And the tears these days have been mighty and hot.
Well since I am full of hotness righ now (see my blog for the beautiful details .... ) I too am PMSING... So I am hot and bitchy! Wanna come over and eat brownies with me... I will add chocolate chips to them with a side of crack!
Pam - Bread with lots of butter?! I assure you, my dinner was nowhere as wonderful as that sounds, and that makes me want to cry. Again.
dcd - I think the line between hormones and being a raging bitch is fine, and I walk it a heck of a lot!
lilsass - I know. I'm a bit out of control with it!
BP Dad - But unlike mine, you're going to rock yours out successfully AND still manage to remain charming and adorable. Me? I'll just be called a bitch here and there, and I'll be OK with it. Until I cry again. :)
kelley - Here's a friendly reminder for you! Love, me.
Cocotte - Gah! I would eat my husband's fingers off if he touched my laptop! Ha!
Me - Still irritating the hell out of me...
Melissa - It's not me I'm so worried about. It's my family. My poor, poor family.
tulip - That procedure sounds like an interesting option. I'm not sure I've ever heard of such a thing, but at this point, I'm willing to talk about anything!
the cubicle's backporch - This is a whole new development for me, so that really adds to my delightful demeanor all the time!
jenboglass - Yeah! You're staying! I'm glad! I lived with four girls and one guy my senior year in college. The poor dude had no hope.
ftn - I am like a menstrual ninja! Mom says you should call her sometime, and wants to know if you'll be coming home for Thanksgiving.
Wendy - I'm just not ready to give up to menopause yet...if for no other reason than to assure Redneck Mommy that my uterus is still grade A prime!
Des - FTN has stepped up his stalking. He still slacks here and there. Something about "work." Whatever, I say. I'm not ready for the menopause email!
stacie - mine's been good about being nice to me up until now. Nicer than blogger, that's for sure!
heather, q of ss - Um...hilarious! This is, indeed, a big problems!
Redneck Mommy - This uterus (pointing to uterus area) is Grade A Prime, lady! The aging and the marbling adds to it's value! ;)
always home - It's foggy and rainy!!! GRRRR!!! Heh... ;)
ali - You'd think some guy would have introduced that legislationg by now!
christina lee - Amen! She's nasty!
lori - I feel for the people who will be standing around in that line with me, not realizing until it's too late that they didn't mean to get on that ride!
merecat - I've been hearing a lot about the virtues of the IUD from those who love them.
seraphimred - As an advocate for girly boners, I'm glad to do what I can for yours! Thank you for saying that, and for prompting me to make a star next to 'ovarian cyst' on my list of things to talk to my doctor about!
heather - I know! It' slike deja vu around here. Just waiting out the weeks until I can get into the doctor!
bejewell - Do we live in the same house?! F me?! F you! ;)
karen - Having no fear of needles and a desire to cut out the cramps, I'd be willing to entertain your idea.
kimmy - Fifteen days?! Fifteen days?! Wait. That's pretty much what it feels like around here, too. See if you can get me an appt. with Doc Melon Baller, too, k?
weirdgirl - This new quirk is definitely letting me get good at the rampaging thing. Soon, though, I may have this house all to myself! Which, huh, is a plus sometimes...
Ms. Picket - Those boys always step up to take care of me. Maybe because I threaten them. Or I really just want them to duel for me!
Patty - The power of the Internet is mighty!
shonda - I hope I don't have to buy advance admission tickets to MenopauseLand. So not ready for that trip!
Savage - I am a wee bit out of it lately, I must admit. I also wish the Keebler Elves would show up. I could use a delicious, waxy-chocolate cookie!
Madame Queen - In all honesty, I signed up for it, but I'd totally forgot about it, so what a delight (snark) it was to get!
chat blanc - I'd like to be jealous sometime, too, but I think I'm edging past it, dammit!
Bee - Ladies' Days?! That's like a special holiday. Or Hubs is partly Victorian!
San Diego Momma - This topic does border on becoming the theme of the blog, I admit. I admit and I apologize! If it does, people should start showing me their dentures!
zip n tizzy - I do, too. Trouble is, it's taking me forever to get an appointment, so feel bad for my loved ones!
Manager Mom - We can totally entertain the masses with our menses or our menopause! Imagine the followers we'd have!
Meg - Neil Diamond and wine? Why, what you're describing, woman, is a night that screams romance!
bogart - He did actually bail out on me this week. He left his kids, though, so I'm not sure what that says about him!
choppzs - You, dear lady, are among the safe ones!
blissfullycaffeinated - I laugh, too. Then I start to cry. Then I laugh again. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?!
summer - Ah, I hadn't even thought about testosterone levels. Sigh. Another thing to add to my list to talk to the doctor...
aunt becky - It was the constant crying that made it hard for me to realize I was pregnant when I was. We're a ball of mess, ain't we, sweetie?!
andrea - Ha! I think if you can be hot AND bitchy, that affords you some kind of pass in the world. I'm totally for that! I'm also totally for brownies!
Thanks for the link to Mon.th.ly. I can never remember when my next cycle is going to be. (I guess I figure my head always spins around and I hiss at random intervals all the time. Which I kind of do, but you know...it's still good to know)
T.
t. - That was kind of my thought, too. Tool Man was forever wondering if "today was the day," and it was hard to be sure when I was being perpetually pissy!
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