Friday night I opened my email account and was delighted to see an email marked as "A friendly reminder!" in the subject line. I clicked it open to read the following:
You have approximately 2 days until the start of your next period!
Picking at my teeth with a sharpened bone of one of my more hapless victims ('Twas cute, the way he begged for mercy upon his soul. Ah, Tool Man, we had some good times...), I glanced down at the ravaged remains of those I had slain throughout the day with my emotional talons, evil glares, and fiery responses ("You really want to know why Mommy's crying again!?" I dare you to ask me what's for supper!), the very remains I'd stepped over to get to my laptop and find this friendly reminder (exclamation point!), and thought:
"Yep. That seems about right."
Then, after dislodging a bit of hair and skin that had gotten hung up in the back of my throat when I chewed the heads off my prey, I punched a hole through my computer screen and wrung the neck of the first nice person at Mon.thly.info who happened to be walking by at the same time my giant fist burst through the wall, encased them in my hook-like fingers, and thanked them for their sweet, sweet (awww...'love, mon.thly') email.
For those of you totally consumed with everything about me (you know who you are and, for the record, the feeling is totally mutual!), or who are keeping track of my periods (friendly reminder! love, you), this is my THIRD period in TWO months! In fact, it's my SECOND period in THREE weeks! I'm super lame at math, but when I add this up, the answer seems wrong. I am, however, waiting for a doctor's appointment, and hoping it's not the one where she tells me I'm old now and the magical elves in MenopauseLand are waiting to welcome me, even though I have no proof that there is such a thing as MenopauseLand (though, if there is, I bet the lines are hella long, it's super humid, and the rides are like really, really, really long car trips with my super chatty Mom, thus it would be torture) nor that there are elves there, but if there are, I kind of feel sorry for them, because in the whole elf gig, they drew the worst card, so no wonder I'm bitchy. It's the elves fault.
Anyway...so...I guess now's the time where you all go, "Yeah! I'm so glad she wrote about her period again! Because that DOES NOT happen enough around here. It's been a couple weeks since the last time and, I don't know about you, but I was FREAKING THE HELL OUT, man! I was sort of relieved to read about her sexy retail escapes on Friday, but still! I can take a breath now!"
Or, aside from that, feel free to chat me up about whatever you wish in the comments, because I am slowly working my way back to you (except you, You Know Who! I am always with you!) through them, and, I don't know about you, but I think we're going to be very happy together.
Labels: strange fascination fascinating me