...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

i'll tumble for ya

Last week, while feeding the children's department shelves copies of Ramona the Pest, Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid, my thoughts of "Wow, if you didn't know better, you'd think kid's books today had serious self-esteem issues," were interrupted by an older gentleman who was shadowing his granddaughter around the department. With every move toward independence the toddler took, the man would sigh and warn, "Don't fall down now, you hear? Don't fall down now."

"Don't fall down now, you hear?" he asked as his young charge successfully climbed a stage that sits three inches from the ground.

"Don't fall down now," he said when the girl stood to peer over a chair.

Don't fall down now," he advised as she teetered across the floor, eyeing a display of stuffed animals.

For more than an hour, I listened to this man do nothing more than encourage the young child not to fall down. Now now. Perhaps later, but not now. "Don't fall down now." By about 39 minutes in, I'll admit I was starting to wonder if there had ever been a time in history when the suggestion "Do not fall down now," ever worked. I imagine there was one or two Romans standing around, who, while watching the collapse of their empire, turned to their buddy, pointed at the mess, and muttered, "See? I told 'em not to fall down now, but would anyone listen to me?" Perhaps a German or two wondered, "Is this why we wanted the wall to fall now? Now? After so many years?" as they watched the barrier be chipped away to reveal David Hasselhoff crooning Looking For Freedom. And I promise you, Kim Carnes absolutely tried to warn those other chicks Kenny Rogers would one day duet with to not fall in love with a dreamer, but he was all, "Pfft, whatever, Kim Carnes!" Well guess what? That's right. Three years later, along comes Sheena Easton, and Kenny's all, "Why should we worry? No one will care, girl." You want to know who cares? Kim Carnes. Kim Carnes cares, and she's saying, "Sheena? Soon he's going to be all, 'I know your plans don't include me,' just so he can bail and not look like the bad guy. But have you SEEN Kenny Rogers lately? Dude definitely looks like the bad guy!"

(Sidebar: Dude! Cool electric coat on Hasselhoff! That is BAD ASS! Also, if anyone is going to do some falling, I suggest you fall to our knees in reverence to the fact that I just busted some Kenny Rogers love around here! Two years of blogging. That's all it took!)

Anyway, we were speaking of falling...

Cut to Monday morning. I was at home, getting ready for an exciting new work week (Three hour shifts? Somebody better fluff my pillow and fetch me my slippers after that kind of taxing day!). I was heading downstairs to enjoy some tasty peanut butter toast when, while standing at the top of the steps, I spied some cards Tool Man had left for me on the cedar chest in the living room that opens up from our staircase. Intent on retrieving them before I had breakfast, my mind was immediately filled with thoughts of "Cards! Cards! Cards!" (btw, this is also how my mind operates when I think "Backpacking Dad!, Backpacking Dad!, Backpacking Dad!" Only there's typically two exclamation points when I think about him!! And a soundtrack.). Around the fifth step, my gears switched and I heard the advice of the older gentleman from the bookstore last week in my mind.

"Don't fall down now, you hear? Don't fall down now."

"You're right, Older Gentleman From the Bookstore Last Week. Sure would suck if I fell down the stairs now," I thought. "Sure hope I don't fall down now."

Left foot planted on the step. Right foot lifted into the air and swung forward, and my thought immediately changed.

"Oh! Oh, crap! I'M TOTALLY GOING TO FALL!! I'M TOTALLY GOING TO FALL RIGHT NOW!!!"

People! I went hurtling down from the middle of my staircase, and in the midst of it, I thought, "CRAP! I AM TOTALLY FALLING!! (Wow! I'm falling really quickly, and yet, this is sort of slow and cartoon-like, thus allowing me time to think) CRAP!!! I AM TOTALLY FALLING RIGHT NOW!!"

As I was careening downward, I could see the wall edging ever closer, preparing to flatten my nose into my profile, and the corner of the cedar chest next to it, braced to take my left eye out if I hit the corner of it with my face instead. I don't know about you people if you were faced with a similar situation, but I took that split second to think "Gah! Backpacking Dad!"

No. No I didn't (whispering to BPD: I totally did. Shhh...). I thought, "VANITY!" and was able cover my face with my right hand while prepping myself to brace for landing with my left arm. Just in time for my hand-guarded face to slam into the wall, knock me on my right side, and then roll me all twisted up on my left. I laid there for quite some time, relieved in the fact that I was home alone, thus robbing my family the joy of laughing at me, but also stressed that I was alone, thus robbing me of someone to drive me to the hospital if I'd broken any bones, all of which were hurting and creating a delicious cocktail in combination with the sudden-onset nausea I was also experiencing.

Finally able to complete a mini-triage exam, I ascertained that, for the most part, I'd come away from the fall unscathed, and worked my way back up to standing. Want to know what I thought next? I thought, "You're so freakin' right, Older Gentleman From the Bookstore Last Week. We all need someone to follow us around, telling us not to fall down now."

Then I thought, "Huh. Today's the first full day of Fall. Irony? Why yes, I believe so."

Finally, the last thought to really hit me (more literally than like my face-covered hand hitting the wall, which actually did hit me) was, "OMG! I knew I was going to fall JUST BEFORE I STARTED TO FALL!!"

Do you people realize what that means?

IT MEANS I CAN FREAKIN' PREDICT THE FUTURE, MOFO!!

Take a minute and think about that! Really think about it. The power to predict the future?! How flippin' kick ass is that?! Sure, I might not have been able to prevent my fall, but I damn well knew I was going to fall! Before I fell! This ability affords me all sorts of power! Why, it's a wonder the government hasn't tried to sweep me up and keep me off the radar. Next week, in all the free time I have when I'm not working 12 hours a week (over the course of four days!), I'm thinking I'll look into picking up some hours as a crime fighter. Except there would be no actual crime to fight because I'd PREDICT IT! Before IT HAPPENED! Then I would stop it! I would do that for no pay, people. I am not pretentious and driven by the mighty dollar! No. I am, it would seem, really driven by gravity, though.

I really do think I may have hit my head...

I also bruised the hell out of my muscles and my arms are killing me. Every time I get up, I groan and look around to see if there's anyone to weep to. If you're going about your day and wonder what that strange sound is, it's probably me, attempting to get off my couch, and you perhaps offer up a little prayer for me, so I thank you for thinking of me.

Except some of you (not you, though, BPD, right?) are probably laughing at me behind my back.

Which also hurts, btw.

Labels:

50 Comments:

Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

See that? I wasn't nearly enough of the wind beneath your wings to prevent you from falling.

The youtube link goes to a parody video called "I Kissed a Dog." I'm sure that's not on purpose.

Look up these lyrics:

"Something I never would have known
Not knowing knowledge never ennobles.
All her ideas were like smoke rings
I had to know things.
She was a tangle of questions."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 12:20:00 AM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

I'm laughing my @$$ off here in Exile, but please know you have my sympathy - I fell 3 weeks ago and I still ache when I get up. Advice: Advil? It's your friend.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 12:24:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I'm cracking up too.....I think Older Gentleman got all up in your psyche and MADE you fall. Damn him!

And I think your video should have featured, "That's So Raven."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 6:01:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I'm so glad you are ok, first of all! I think that The Old Man was like a Shakespearian soothsayer foreshadowing, "Beware the Ides of March"

I can hear him with ominous tone,"don't fall down now, dont' fall down..." Creepy.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 7:11:00 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

When my youngest was born, my Grandmother used to follow me around saying "Don't drop the baby. Don't drop the baby."

It must have worked, I never did drop him.

xoxo, SG

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 7:18:00 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Laugh at injury, never. If you had simply fallen and bruised your pride, yes. I always check for injury before laughing. I don't even bother telling my son to, "not fall down." He will or he won't. He does all his own stunts.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 7:49:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Ummmm. . . that 'Older Gentleman'?

Wasn't me.

Just sayin'.


And, uh, one millisecond of 'advance notice' ain't quite as useful as you might think. . .

But I will pray for your bruises to subside. . .

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:33:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

I fall down all the time and it's pretty much exactly how you described it except my language is much more, um, colorful.

Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Irony fucking ROCKS.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:54:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Extra points for the Kenny Rogers shout out. It is so, so sad what happened to that once very handsome man. Did you know he once sang Lady to me. No, for realz. He did.

How can you tell if you actually can predict the future or if it was just a self fulfilling prophecy. I might actually prefer the latter b/c then you could say, "Hey, I'm about to win a million dollars" and it would totally happen.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

You know, if you had thought "Redneck Mommy!!Redneck Mommy!!Redneck Mommy!!" or even "Tanis!Tanis!Tanis!" the power of my love would have totally lifted you up onto a safe and comfy cushion of love and you would have thus avoided all those nasty bumps and bruises.

Your annoying insistence of paying homage to the goateed one is and was, ultimately your downfall.

Start linking to me and paying respect to my youth and beauty and perhaps these types of 'accidents' could be prevented.

(Says as I take the pins out of the voodoo doll in your image.)

Take heed. Or totally ignore me and I'll just keep harassing you. Your choice.

Wink.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

If only there was Jonas Bro or two to cushion your landing ...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And, just 'cuz it's been awhile since I busted out the Beatles lyrics. . .

"Falling, yes I am falling, but you keep calling me back again. . ."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Sam (The Edge Of Insanity) said...

It's too bad you didn't chant "Boy George" as you were falling... he would've tumbled for ya' and picked up anything you might have knocked over in your fall down the stairs. Or you could have chanted, "Sam, Sam, Sam..." and I would've... well, I probably would've laughed my arse off, which wouldn't have helped you much, but seeing as I really needed the laugh this week, it would've helped me immensely. It's always about me, isn't it?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

The important thing about falling, is that it provides an opportunity to practice getting back up again. It's a valuable life skill, treasure these moments...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Wasn't Christopher Walken a character on SNL where he could predict inane things like, "You're going to misplace your keys. And then find them" when he touched people. I bet you've got that kinda ESP. Now, tell me the lotto numbers for tomorrow and THEN we can talke.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I laugh only because I love you. Ok, that and it was really kick ass hilarious!

But I am sorry you are wounded for my enjoyment, I would never wish anyone pain. I just cant promise I wont laugh during the aftermath.

And if you are into predicting the future, can you tell me if my husband is going to get his head out of his ass, I mean the sand, anytime soon so I can decide if he deserves birthday presents?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm glad you weren't lying there unable to move, or more importantly, blog. That would have been terrible ;-)

I read somewhere that our conscious mind always lags somewhere behind or unconcious one - we make decisions unconciously before we realise it, so the fast part of your brain realised you were going to fall before you did... or something.

I don't think you'll get any work from the government - they'd hate to know about bad things before hand - people might expect them to do something about it ;-)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

I hope you get to make some extra cash with your new found power.

Oh and thanks for the hook up on the you tube music ... great song for Way Back Wednesday ... did you know you were going to do that too... crap you are good!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I've done this before too. Not fallen down the steps, although actually, I have fallen down the steps, only on my back not face first. But I mean, I have known something was going to happen the split second before it did, and of course you do have to wonder, if there really is no spoon.

I am so sorry but I totally laughed, because of your description of how you were thinking crap I'm falling right now. Sorry sorry sorry.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 2:05:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

Both my kids have T-shirts that say "I do all my own stunts"/ Appropos.

I LOVE me some Kenny Rogers - especially the duets.

I would never laugh at you falling down the stairs, because I do it on the regular.

I totally laughed at you now being able to tell the future.

Am I the only one wondering about the cards?

My son (youngest) falls ALL.THE.TIME. bless his heart. He fell down the stairs one day while at Grandmas, and he told me about it later, and said: (Keep in mind this is so much funnier with the visual of him using his hand to show me how he bounced down the stirs)

"I went oh, ooh, uh, ow, ah, oh."

So that slow motion thing - I beleive it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 2:39:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You are totally psychic. You should make sure to become one of those psychic reader people!

And "don't fall down" works as well as warning someone who just did something potentially dangerous "Be careful."

Gee, thanks.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 3:20:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

usually when i fall i look behind me and say WTF because there's nothing there. how could i trip on "nothing?"
sometimes I even go "aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, dammit" and then i realize that at least 6 of the "hhhhhh" were totally unjustified because it didn't hurt, i just thought it would hurt.
then i feel stupid.
but usually i like falling because it happens so spontaneously.
i kind of want to fall right now.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 3:31:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Ouch. I feel for you. Of course, I've been known to fall while standing perfectly still. Maybe if I had your gift of forsight...I could have the hubby record it for hours of future laughter.

A sound commonly heard in my house?

Fwoosh! Thud! I'm OK!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Lust!
Don't fall down now, k?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 5:15:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i totally thought that would be the "i'll tumble for you" video.

and i was wrong.

i've never fallen down the stairs, but jamie did not too long ago and i totally laughed like a hyena when he did. cause i'm hateful. oh but i wouldn't have laughed at you.

nope.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 5:18:00 PM  
Blogger Princeton McKinney said...

I call this the power of presuggestimonition. Which is why I no longer have stairs.

I fell down the stairs when I was pregnant with my now 23yo son. There were no physical consequences at the time, however I have been blamed for every clumsy thing he has ever done since. We blame the pointy ear on his dad.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 6:32:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Fad-y the Jonas's were just belting out your song on Dancing With The Stars (back off, I have a nearly 11 year old girl who likes dance!).

They were bit by the Love Bug named Fad!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 7:40:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

How far into the future can you see? Because if you can tell me who will win the World Series or the Super Bowl, please send me an email. Thanks!

I AM pretentious and driven by the mighty dollar.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 7:54:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm in awe. When I fall or trip or do something like that, I'm too busy going "whoaaa, whoa, whoooooooooaaaah" like I'm a freakin' stooge. No time to have thoughts.

Thanks to title, I now have that song stuck in my head which isn't all that bad.

I bet you knew I was going to say that before I did, right?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

OUCH!!!

And, since I've been faaahreeaking out about the state of the nation, all I could think about after you wrote about the Roman empire was, "somebody better tell the U.S. not to fall down now". Sigh. I'm glad you weren't hurt girl!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Oh my. Two things...the fact that you seem to have fallen in slow mo? Awesome. And the fact that the hotness that is the vision of BPD couldn't save you? Sad. Until now, I thought his powers transgressed everything....my bad. I'll try not to think of him the next time I'm halfway to landing on my ass, face, or my ass and my face in the same fall, whatever.
PS...thanks for coming by my blog and saving me months of embarassing stalking....which I was really prepared to do...you rock.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

2 things to ask.

When you fell, did you see anybody scurrying away?

Is BPD like Dora the Explorer? You know, cuz of the backpack?

Sorry, that's all I got because I am sleepy but my house is hot and where is my freakin' crisp fall??

Oops! I said "FALL"...

Thursday, September 25, 2008 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger Fu Manchu Dad said...

It's no point telling my kids not to fall. About the best I can hope for is "don't die!" With them it's less falling and more jumping.
For the sake of humanity, please use your powers for good!! No short selling the market, okay?
FMD

Thursday, September 25, 2008 2:29:00 AM  
Blogger LarryLilly said...

Screw the advill, here are some hydrocodone 750's. But the bigger question next to the age old one of does bacon go bad if you used kosher salt to make it is this question. Why did it take only the fifth step before you fell? From the sounds, you cant chew gum and walk at the same time, or else your so preoccupied with the sight of cards that your feet motors get all ahead of themselves.

Funny story, but tap your heels three times and repeat "Dont fall down now"

Thursday, September 25, 2008 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

You are hilarious! And psychic.

And have great taste in kids' books. How about Joey Pigza Swallows the Key? Joey has ADD and comes home from school and mixes his mom a drink. And then he pushes his grandma in a shopping cart with her oxygen tank to the store to get cigarettes--it's one of my favorites.

And I think Joey falls a lot, too.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 7:11:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Are you available for hire for parties? Because if you are, we are so golden.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 7:45:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Are you sure you didn't suffer a head injury during your fall? Dizziness? Disorientation? Slight concussion? Brain cloud?

No?

Just curious.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger jenboglass said...

Kenny!? Remember that song about Lucille? I thought the lyrics were "four hundred children and cropped to be filled" not "four hungry children and crops to be tilled."

Thanks for the Sheena Easton, Kim Carnes and Boy George references! So much nostalgia before 8am MST!! Must update Ipod!

Also, you are so right about Kenny. He's looking pervy these days.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Did anyone make a "Gambler" joke yet? Know when to hold 'em, and all that?

I'm still thinking about "Six Pack" with Kenny Rogers and a young Anthony Michael Hall. That movie had Oscar potential.

See, you knew I'd get around to commenting eventually.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 9:30:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

um. yeah. i love you. that is all.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 9:47:00 AM  
OpenID blissfullycaffeinated said...

Kenny Rogers new face scares the bejeesus out of me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Kenny is scary, and I totally forgot all about Kim Carnes, and Sheena for that matter.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 1:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Seraphimred said...

(I had thought I had already posted here...hmmmm...if I was a bad girl and said something bad, I'm sorry! don't whip me! my backs been out so I've been uber bitchy)
Anywhoo...I'm sorry you're hurt. That sucks. I remember once when my brother and I were younger, he had just been shown how to sharpen his pocket knife by a well-meaning uncle. well, mister big stuff was going around cutting stuff for everyone and whene he was outside one day cutting a collar down for a dog, my mom said those glorious words,'Be careful, and don't cut yourself!' Two seconds later he cut into the tips of two of his fingers. Now days (he's about to turn 30), if he's anywhere near my mom while he's cutting something the first thing that he says is,'No! Don't say it mom!'

Thursday, September 25, 2008 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Oh, Diff Girl, I fall for you a little more with each post...

Too soon?

Thursday, September 25, 2008 5:14:00 PM  
Blogger Ms Picket To You said...

when i fell down my basement steps -- alone, with no one at home -- all i though while hurtling through space into the abyss that is that hell hole was oh fuck; they are going to find me dead down here and be all, jesus this woman has a lot of holiday decorations.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger DCD said...

I am not laughing at you falling down, I swear!

However, I am totally laughing at the electric coat, KR and KC's sassy 70's get-ups and KR singing a song that's basically saying, "Stay here and have sex with me," to Sheena Easton who looks about twelve.

Hope you feel better and thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment!

Thursday, September 25, 2008 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

if you take a digger like that on the first day of Fall, I'm scared to see what you do on the first day of Spring! Yowza! :)

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Ouch!
Keep an eye on that... sometimes it takes a few months to really feel the effect.

Now looks like you need to hone in on your time slowing technique, so you can put your minute into the future predictions to work!

Friday, September 26, 2008 3:08:00 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Girl, you could totally be on Heroes! That's the kinda shit that The Company is looking for.

By the way, I think you must have hit your head, because you are linking Bryan Adams and spouting a lot of
BD. I mean a lot. The Luuuurvefest you two have going on is pretty funny. (and I saw him first, have a picture with him) but all is forgiven and I hope you feel better. (besides you probably totally can predict what will happen next anyway)

T.

Saturday, September 27, 2008 2:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OWG, this post is hilarious! I wish you no ill will but... you falling made my day (so far). Haha!

I, too, recently fell (while playing football with a 4-year old :P) and I totally had all that slo-mo inner monologue going on, too! I was like, "I'm totally fucking falling right now. Shit. I can't believe I am FALLING. Who falls at 32? Christ. This is embarrassing. And I'm going to be hurt on top of it all. Talk about adding insult to injury..." (SMACK!)

- Kristin

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 10:27:00 AM  

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