...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, February 22, 2008

'i will always be weird inside, i will always be lame'

It's time for some random around here, my lovelies. I'm sure you've come here lately and wondered when I was going to kick in the assorted bullet points of strangeness I've been depriving you of for awhile, so I'm giving it to you now, because I think it's so adorable when you get that cute look of longing in your eyes. I'm here for you. Enjoy.

  • Tyra Banks scares me. I see her and fear she's capable of breaking free of the television and sucking my soul out. Straight out of my eyeballs. Forget Big Foot. I totally now double check my house twice every night my husband's gone to be sure Tyra can't unleash her fierceness on me in my sleep.
  • I intend to look for every opportunity in my daily life to say the following to those who choose to smite me: "Yeah, like YOU got the stones." Classier than "cojones" and more ladylike than "balls," and I am nothing if not a classy lady.
  • Why do I have this animal attraction to Larry the Cable Guy? I do. I so do. Git-R-Done? If you must, Larry the Cable Guy. No. If you will!
  • I now urge you to go back up to that bullet point directly above the previous and remind yourself that I am, indeed, a classy lady. A classy lady who says "squirrel covers" and "down there dingle dangle" and giggles with my hand covering my mouth. With my pinky finger raised. Classy lady style.
  • Last night I had approximately 5 dishes to wash. Under normal circumstances, this job would take, at most, three minutes. However, with ear buds crammed in and the iPod much too loud to be safe in the long run, "Jungle Love" came on and, without warning, I started doing that kicky little dance Morris Day rocks in the video. Three times completely through. "I I am dangerous. Girl I wanna show ya." But I can't, for there are no silly YouTube moments right there. Please. Anyway, those five dishes took 20 minutes to wash, and I now wish I had someone with a mirror following me around so I could admire my smooth moves.
  • Add Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta" to my list of songs I would perform if I ever do work up the nerve to karaoke.
  • Why am I still watching "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles"? Especially since that quirky guy who played David Silver on "Beverly Hills, 90210" is on there now? The only reason I can think is I have an unholy love of all things Terminator because, while on my honeymoon, Tool Man and I discovered a Terminator pinball machine in the hotel's game room and we spent hours in there trying to defeat Skynet.
  • Yeah, I spent my honeymoon ballin'. Pinballin', that is. The job of dream wife is filled by yours truly (curtsy bow).
  • btw, so what? So what I used to watch "Beverly Hills, 90210"?
  • Recently I ducked into the break room at work to put some lotion on my dry hands. Winter is killing me by sucking all the moisture out of my body even before Tyra Banks gets there and sucks the marrow of what's left of my bones after winter's ravishes (even though I'm all "You don't have the stones, winter!" while keeping one nervous eye glancing behind me for Tyra to creep up, ninja-like, and snap my neck). So I'm standing there, rubbing in my big dollop of cucumber melon lotion from Bath and Body Works when a coworker looks up from his lunch and charmed me with the following: "So, looks like you're in nude of a little lubrication." Hello?! Wha?! You're talking to a classy lady, sir!
  • Today I'm going to go see U2 3D, and I'm beyond squirmy with delight. Bono and me. Dark theater. Sexy plastic 3D glasses. Match made in heaven. He just doesn't know it yet. But in the dream I had about him recently, he wrapped me gently in his stubby arms and sang "With Or Without You" in my ear, and traced his name on my arm. It seemed so real that I nearly asked my husband for a divorce when the alarm went off.
  • Here's exactly why I'm a catch, in the event my dream man is reading. My breasts are a catch all for dropped food and miscellaneous crumbs. Hungry? That might be a cookie crumb. Need a snack? Do you like Doritos? Yes, I'm a veritable boob buffett. I am not, however, disgusting. I don't really walk around with errant food on my cleavage, but there is a certain sexy factor this creates, I'm sure.
  • Speaking of snacks, I love Cheetos. I crave Cheetos. I've not had them in years, but lately, I want them constantly and can almost taste them (Before you ask, yes, I've peeked down there. No Cheetos).
  • The other night I was home alone and decided to watch television. Free reign to watch whatever I wished! These are exciting times, people. I flipped through channels and landed on a show that caught my eye. Two and a half hours later, I realized I had been watching Hannah Montana. Not because I had to. Not because that's the channel the television had been left on. Because I apparently wanted to. I won't even deny this if asked, either. In fact, I want a blond wig so I can pretend to be someone else. Oh, and be rich, too. That wouldn't suck.
  • The truck up there in the photo isn't the Four Wheels of Fun Lovin' parked in our driveway. It belongs to the neighbor. I took this photo because I appreciate the fact that, while we all gripe about the cold and the snow, kids simply see it as glorious. Then come inside crying that their feet are cold and they have to pee.
  • When I tie my sensible and unsexy shoes each morning, I make "whooshing" sounds while looping and tugging the laces. Like I'm in a knife fight in a movie. I just realized I did this while getting dressed this morning. Let's just pretend it's a cute quirk about me and move on, shall we?
  • If you stumbled over here from somewhere, or read this nonsense regularly but don't comment, peek your head out and say "hey," OK? Yeah, I bet you got the stones for that.
  • Olive juice, my pretties. Olive juice.

Labels:

28 Comments:

Blogger Bunny said...

I also spent a portion of my honeymoon pinballin'. He played other arcade games, I played pinball. At DISNEYWORLD. Because, you know, there's nothing else to do there. :-)

We still think a great date night is spent at the local arcade (though arcade doesn't do it justice - old school video and arcade games and pinball, plus DDR, indoor go-carts, ropes course, laser tag, VR games, and on and on.

Friday, February 22, 2008 6:46:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Oh, baby, I'd LOVE to watch you run it up the flagpole. I would definitely look ;)

Friday, February 22, 2008 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

Dude...Tyra scares the beejeezus outta me!

Also, it's not been a good day unless I've dropped some kind of food on my boobs. ;-)

Ha! My word verification is unylwdgy...is that like a unibrow but a wedgy? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Friday, February 22, 2008 8:30:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Mmm. BOOB! buffet.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't read the part about Larry the Cable Guy. That's just unforgivable, right there. Do you really think Bono and Mike Rowe deserve to be lumped in with THAT?

Hey, is that the Sasquatch neighbor's truck? At the house I'm supposed to be purchasing and moving into?

Oh, and that's not kids coming inside from the cold, having to pee... That's just Scarlett.

Friday, February 22, 2008 8:33:00 AM  
Blogger Melody said...

I have so many thought about this list - I'll cover as many as I can without making this an all day affair (Oh, before I forget - Thanks for your comments this week AND the nice things you said about my hair. I still love it, even though I realized I'm starting to look like my mother.)

Tyra - Ditto - those eyes are frightening, and she's SO intense!

LOL! When you said Jungle Love, I'm thinking Steve Miller band. I do LOVE LOVE Flagpole Sitta though. I sing along loudly whenever I hear it - even though I don't know all the words.

I was wondering the same thing about the Sarah Connor Chronicles this week. I don't know, but I've been sucked in.

My husband says I can't eat without "feeding the girls"

and last (and sorry, I know I didn't keep it short) I secretly watch Hannah Montana whenever I can. When my BIL lived with us, his girlfriends daughter would come visit, and we would watch HM together - even though I always pretended I was just watching it for her. (We also sat and read all my old Sweet Valley books too.)

Friday, February 22, 2008 9:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Karla said...

1. Tyra Banks is scarier than the Cloverfield monster.
2. Am I allowed to post here if I'm barely an A cup? I couldn't even pass the pencil test when I was preggers.
3. Cheetos suck.
That is all.

Friday, February 22, 2008 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

I watch Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles because I keep hoping that Robert Patrick will make a cameo. Robert Patrick is fine.

Oh, and if the Bible calls them "stones" then I don't see why a lady can't as well. :)

Friday, February 22, 2008 2:05:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

My ex and I watched "Revenge of the Nerds" on our honeymoon. This says something, but I'm afraid to analyze it too deeply.

Re: Cookie crumbs, Doritos, Cheetos... M&Ms?

I recommend a necklace of Hostess snack cakes to ward off Tyra Banks. I can't guarantee it will work, but on the other hand... Hostess snack cakes!

Friday, February 22, 2008 4:20:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

No no no no I had so many things to say so many but you said unsexy shoes and I lost what little bit of mind I had left. No. You must must get another job where you can where all kinds of sexy shoes. Black Stillettos, RED , Brown even Purple.
Only on sale of course.

Friday, February 22, 2008 8:09:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

OMG, just the other day I was singing 777-9311 in the kitchen and sliding around the floor in my socks like I was Morris Day. Kid you not! I normally don't tell people that, but since it's just us well then...I think it's okay. Love me some Gigilo's Get Lonely Too. Oh now ya got me swayin'....

Work it out girl. Work it on out!

Friday, February 22, 2008 8:42:00 PM  
Blogger D said...

Wow...your quirks like the shoe wooshing remind me of my Ex-hole.

Except you're cool.

And you like sex.

You're livin' the life. Enjoy the glory!

Friday, February 22, 2008 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Yes...o we o we o

I'll follow you around with a mirror! And then when I'm hungry, I'll hit the boob buffet, whoohoo!

Saturday, February 23, 2008 1:44:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

"Now I am a grown man, with a child of my own..."

That's gonna be going through my head for the rest of the day. Thanks.

On an unrelated note, I actually bought and consumed Cheetos last weekend for the first time since... uh... ever. Although they were kinda delicious, both arms from the elbow-up were atomic orange by the time I was done, and I'm pretty sure the vast majority of my body's arteries are now crammed with similarly-colored "reel american cheez food."

Saturday, February 23, 2008 7:54:00 AM  
Blogger katie said...

I too am afraid of Tyra. She freaks my freak in a way i can't quite articulate. Her fierceness is my foe.

I was obsessed with 90210 back in the day- Donna Martin graduates, baby!!! i had my ass picketing with Brandon Walsh and Steve effing Sanders!! woohoooooooo!!

By the way, let me know when your wocket is available to hook it up with my wocket. we gonna wock down to electric avenue...and then we take it highah!!

Have a great weekend!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Tyra scares me!!! It is her butt that I find so terrifying. I don't think it winks; I think it bites!!!

Also, I am in love with the word "dingly dangle". I wish I could use it in every conversation I have with everyone I talk to. I don't think my grandma would approve though.

I now also am in love with the idea of finding a snack in your bra. You got Doritos? Hey, I'll eat 'em.

Can I tell you that I also cover my mouth and giggle with a pinky up in the air? I do, I really do, you can ask Big Daddy.

I was wonder if you would be interested in dating me...cause...I have a huge crush on you.

Saturday, February 23, 2008 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Scarlett Wanna Be said...

I mean, I was "wonderING" if you would date me. Crap!!! Now you're going to say no because I don't proof read my comments...great.

Saturday, February 23, 2008 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Tell me your exaggerating about Larry the Cable guy, right? lol I'm with you on Tyra. She's hot, but there is something about the way she can turn on that fierceness. It's freaky man. I'm still out on the Sara Connor Chronicles. I'm kinda liking it, but not totally. Maybe it'll grow on me. Can't wait for Battlestar Galactic to return though...

Saturday, February 23, 2008 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger 2amsomewhere said...

FADKOG writes:

"Jungle Love" came on and, without warning, I started doing that kicky little dance Morris Day rocks in the video. Three times completely through. "I I am dangerous. Girl I wanna show ya." But I can't, for there are no silly YouTube moments right there. Please.

(in my best imitation of Morris Day)

Hah-hah-hah-haaaah. Sheeeeeeeit! Ha-HAH!

(if your version of "Jungle Love" is the one of the LP and not the radio edit, you'll understand)

A recommendation and a question for ou...

recommendation: If you're going to go all Minneapolis during your dishwashing, you will need to train your sons to bring a mirror up to you during that song, a la Jerome.

question: Have you ever tried saying the Pledge of Allegiance while undergoing oral service? (cf. Ice Cream Castles, track 5)

--
2amsomewhere
(will admit to owning an LP of Jesse Johnson's Revue, once you get to know him well enough)

Sunday, February 24, 2008 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I LOVE JUNGLE LOVE!!! must run over to YouTube and add it; have been listening to I Set My Friends On Fire's version of "Soulja Boy" (hilarious,especially if you had a beloved Misfits tshirt in high school)
lotion--please pick up a tube of Eucerin Dry Skin Plus Intensive Repair Hand Crème, the alpha hydroxy acid in that stuff is THE BOMB and the backs of your hands will be softer than you evah thought they could be. If I was fondling books all day like you (in your classy lady way, that is) that would be my cream of choice ;)
OLIVE JUICE. I have a freezer full of Malibu and now I am craving a dirty martini!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Bunny - Oh, I've been so *bored* at Disney World! It's just sooo boring! I can understand why you'd go hunting for an arcade! We don't have much close by for playing these kinds of things, minus Chuck E. Cheese, and, well, I just can't bring myself to that level of suffering!

Biscuit - Come turn off time with me, baby!

Laura - I travel with a holster outfitted with Tide stain sticks. Honestly. The perils of the cleavage and food. And lord, don't get me started on having longer hair. Because I'm afraid I've already painted myself as a mess!

FTN - Bono forgave me. Instantly. Because he loves me. Mike took a little extra work, but he came along fast. I knew he would. All it took was admitting I wasn't proud of my confession.

That house isn't the Sasquatch neighbor's house. His is right between mine and the one where the truck is parked. So you will be closer to me when you move in. Just as I planned. Mwhahahaha....

Melody - I wonder if Tyra has this 'feeding the girls' issue, too? She must. I mean, her's are like their own life force!

Oh, Sweet Valley High, I remember you well...

Karla - In retrospect, I wonder if the Cloverfield monster has some of Tyra's fierceness modeled into it. I ponder this while telling myself that Cheetos suck so I don't drive to the store and get myself some. Thanks for coming in and commenting!

Therese - Oh, fingers crossed, Therese. Fingers crossed! I'll stick it out in hopes!

Michael - Peanut and plain. Both types have spent some time on the buffet line. And a Hostess snack cake necklace? Ingenious!! Suzy Qs go with everything!

Bee - I dream of having a job where I could afford some hot girl shoes like those! Damn! First, however, I have to have the feet to put up with those, but it would be worth a sacrifice, because those are HOT!

Kimmy - It's so just us here, so you can spill your dance party on me any time. Come here and shake it, girlie! Dance party in the kitchen! W00T!

D - The life of mine is full of quirks, and the various likes! Thanks for the comment!

Nan - I think I wanna...I wanna file my nails...

Polish up that mirror, sweetie! Buffet's open 24 hours a day!

Twobusy - I had the song through my head for a day, so I feel your pain? Appreciation? Hmmm.

Thanks for giving me the vicarious heads up on the Cheetos, too. This means I can withstand the urge to go buy some. It's not easy, but that arteries part was the clincher!

Katie - What about when Dylan's wife got killed by her mob daddy by accident?! Or when Brandon and Kelly FINALLY got together!? Sigh...magical!

My Wocket got out of rehab this weekend, but you could tell immediately it's heart wasn't in the effort, so it's TOTALLY ready to party, hardcore. Beer bongs? Wocket says "yes, please!"

Scarlett - The secret of using "dingle dangle" in everyday conversation is just slipping it in. Talk about the weather and say the clouds look all dingly dangly in the sky. Ask someone where they'd like to have dinner tonight? Mention that new dingly dangly place downtown. Before you know it, you're dingle dangling all over the place!

I found a Dorito crumb on my bedroom floor the other night. I was all, "Where could have that have come from? We don't eat Doritos in the bedroom!" Then I walked through my day in my head and realized it fell outta my bra when I was getting my pajamas on. I'm supa classy!

I will also totally date you! I've no problem with your lack of proofreading in your comment, because wow, have you ever seen some of the massacres I've left in comments?! Do you expect me to put out by the third date? I probably don't have a problem with that, actually. Especially if you use the word 'dingle dangle' to get unleash the buffet!

Chuck - Oh, I don't want to see Larry the Cable Guy naked or anything, and I can't explain it, but sigh...I wish I was kidding! My husband is waiting for Battlestar, too. In the meantime, he's putting up with me asking all kinds of questions about Terminator, and telling me if I don't like it, to just stop watching, but I feel like I've made the commitment now!

2am - I'm so going to train them. I'm also going to work on my Minneapolis sound and the way I insert "good gawd" in my performances! I bring the funk, mister! I. Bring. The. Funk!

1blueshi1 - You are like my little shopping guru! I'm buying some of that lotion tomorrow so I can fondle my books in sheer softness.

I've tried the Soulja Boy dance, but I just don't have it down yet. I'm always too hung up trying to get the words down and I trip in that superman move!

Sunday, February 24, 2008 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Oh yeah.. That's right.. I lust you baby.. I lust you....
You keep getting hotter and hotter!

Sunday, February 24, 2008 8:04:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Savage - SAVAGE!! You are not allowed to pop in and then disappear again for a few months. Not allowed! A girl needs these kinds of reminders from the likes of you!

Sunday, February 24, 2008 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, so now I'm beginning to understand where the whole 'eight kids' thing came from. We were most definitely NOT playing pinball on our honeymoon (except in the cheesiest 'double entendre' sense of things). . .

Monday, February 25, 2008 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Oh dude, olive juice too.

And thank you so much for the "Oh wee oh wee oh" going on nonstop in my head now. Truly. I know it sounds sarcastic, but the song hasn't crossed my mind in a long time, and it brings me back to a pretty damn fine year. Girl, I'd love to show you (show you).

Monday, February 25, 2008 6:44:00 PM  
Blogger Southern Gentleman said...

Yeah, I got the stones to comment. So there.

Love your wacked-out view of everything. Seriously. And an encyclopedic knowledge of popular music! With a built-in food storage rack! (Wink!)

You're a goddess!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Des - To further this double entendre, we also played skee ball and whack-a-mole on our honeymoon!

Melissa - Olive that you're back! Yeah! I I been watchin' you!

Southern Gentleman - Let me take an informal poll here about this goddess thing! One second.

Ok, my husband rolled his eyes, but added that built in food storage system does seem to push things toward that direction!

Thanks for having the stones to comment!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

I, too, find Tyra scary. Something about her is just not right.

Didn't you question your husband's watching the the Terminator show? Something about hot chicks? I seem to remember that post.

How was U2? I am really thinking it is on the list of things to do this week.

Thursday, February 28, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

bogart - Tyra is fierce to the -nth degree and it's too intense for me. Seriously, I think there is a beast living within her!

U2 was great, and I don't even say that as a biased fan. The 3D aspect is not the least bit 'gimmicky'. It's gorgeously shot and feels like you're on stage getting this great show for you. Definitely go. I may sneak out and go again today!

Friday, February 29, 2008 7:38:00 AM  

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