...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

'only ever has to give me love forever & forever'

My experience with bad Valentine's Day gifts (perhaps bad gifts in general) started in eighth grade, when my flaxen-haired, freckled face crush presented me with a hand tooled, red leather wallet purchased in Mexico and carried lovingly back to the Midwest when his family returned home from a Christmas holiday trip. I was, needless to say, thrilled! Ecstatic! My crush had gifted me with his heart! This must really be love!

Never mind that up until that morning, when he shoved the present at me with a heartfelt "here," between our English and math lessons, I was not his crush. His crush was another girl in our class. Another girl with whom I shared initials and a briefly one-sided affinity for this boy's heart. (Did I mention this hand tooled, red leather wallet purchased in Mexico and carried lovingly back to the Midwest had my - her's/ours - initials in it? It did. We shared first and middle names, and our last names started with the same letter. So thoughtful!).

After P.E., my doppelganger with better adolescent breasts and a trampoline in her backyard (one and a half strikes against me, dammit!), rebuked the affections of my one true love, thus compelling him to give me the gift.

Except strike "compelling" and make that " he resigned himself."

And I LOVED it! As much as my eighth grade, "I'm going to marry a rock star and be happy, happy" heart could bear. I believed his giving me the gift and being spurned by She Who Shared My Initials would indeed drive him into my open arms (admit it - right now you're hearing Journey in your head, aren't you!?) and we'd be going together by lunch, which would really just be dating in name only, what with him sitting with his friends and me with mine. Mine who would be all gooey and jealous by my hot boyfriend and sexy - yet very practical - gift!

Of course, this was not to be. As I was writing my new "pretend we're married, no longer sharing initials with She Who Shared My Initials" names into swirly hearts on my Trapper Keeper, my paramour jabbed me in the back during science lab and asked for the wallet back. Just like that.

"Give me back the wallet."

Not "Can I maybe have the wallet back, please?"

Not "I'm going to break your heart now so why don't you just keep the wallet as a symbol of my love and fidelity, which was very brief, but very real in your mind."

Just "Give me back the wallet."

So I did. Head held high, all "Oh, you mean this wallet? This hideous hand tooled, red leather wallet purchased in Mexico and carried lovingly back to the Midwest that you're now apparently going to give to She Who Shares My Initials who is hanging on you like a new species of parasite and is acting all stupid and 'Oh, gross, I wonder if I can wash the germs off this after SHE touched it?!' and giggling to her friends about how you two are going together now? Because if that's the one you mean, then here, take it. It sucked anyway."

Of course, I also thought, "One day, mark my words! I will exact my revenge upon you in the form of too many words written for anonymous people the world wide to read and think 'dick,' and this essay shall be called a blog. Or something as equally odd sounding. So there! Bleh."

Ironically, it was also around the time of this experience that I paved the way for my role as "The Portal Through Which All Must Pass If You Wish To Date, Fondle or Otherwise Mack On Any Of My Friends." TFTWAMPIYWTDFOOMOAOMF for short. But that's a story for another time. Oh, and not 'pass through' as in 'have sex with' because seriously dude, it was eighth grade.

Though She Who Shares My Initials did get more than just that handsome wallet from my crush, it would later be discovered.

And yes. That irritated me, too!

So, long story short, my Valentine's Day gift experience bites. Bites big giant chunks out of bad, waxy Russell Stover candy, then grimaces when it realizes it got that weird cherry nougat piece, so it sticks it back in the heart shaped box with the big, ugly plastic rose on top for the next unsuspecting victim who strolls in, all "OOH! Candy!!" and is stuck with nibbled on candy, but who maybe looks around to be sure no one is looking, then pops it into their mouth and eats it really fast anyway.

Food issues, people. A topic for another long winded post.

Aside from the gift of his love and my two sons (aww!), my husband doesn't do so well in the gift buying department. A short list of items he's purchased for me in our Valentine's Day tenure include: the Beavis and Butthead Experience (on cassette! and which, OK, didn't suck too much, because "Looking Down a Barrel of A Gun" by Anthrax is on there, and in the array of songs I admit to quoting from, Aerosmith's "Deuces are Wild" ranks high); the soundtrack to Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (whereupon we graduated to CDs); a toaster; a men's shaving kit; and lip balm. That last one? It was on a rope. ITo wear like a necklace. If I were eight years old. And even then, I'd be "Lip balm on a rope? Really?"

I realize it's the thought that counts. That's why, when I am buying a gift for someone, I truly do take into consideration their interests and things they've mentioned they might like and then shop accordingly. However, in my husband's gorgeous head, "the thought that counts" means "Oh, crap! I think today is one of those days I'm supposed to get her something! Let me just flip an illegal U-turn here on the highway and race back to Walgreen's for a quick scan of the clearance aisles!"

Trust me. I've seen the receipts. Very few of the gifts I've ever gotten from him have been purchased more than two hours before he gave them to me.

In his defense, I will say that my husband hasn't struck out at EVERY gift giving opportunity, including not every Valentine's Day. Some years he has surprised me with beautiful jewelry and even some CDs I can tolerate. And I should confess that, while I do like gifts (I can't help it), I do try to make these experiences about much, much more than the tangible token that can come with it. Though, seriously, I freakin' lost it when I got the men's shaving kit. Hello!! One glance down at my then-lactating decolletage made it pretty damn clear I am not a dude!

Though in retrospect, I do hope ::shiver:: my husband wasn't hoping for/thinking I was a fat dude with massive DDs...

On this Valentine's Day, my husband will be out of town for work, and I'm somewhat sure that he really isn't even aware that it will be February 14th, because he's been entirely too busy to care. That's fine. When he comes home, I'll have made plans for our children to be elsewhere, and I'll prepare some fancy feast and dessert for him, which may quite likely then be followed by some of the Sexy Sex (patent-pending). Unless he says he's too full from the steaks and gooey brownies. Then I'll have to work some magic to launch the marathon. I've got a few ideas in mind. Trust me. They're good ideas.

Consider those ideas my gift to him.

And if he should happen to come home with a hand tooled, red leather wallet purchased in Mexico imprinted with my present day initials, well, that would rock.


Speaking of red things, here's a little something that doesn't suck in the gift department. Though, I suppose, calling it a gift is a tiny stretch. This is more a "Like he wouldn't do this if I said something! Geez! As IF!"

This makes me giggle, naturally, and maybe clap my hands together about 12 times, really fast, right in front of my face. OK, 15 times.

I wuvz thes. Plz seys u wuvz thes, two.



Blogger Melissa said...

Oh my. It seems that some gifts are worse than none (of which I've been the proud recipient more times than I care to count).

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Every year I ask my hubs not to get me anything. Every year he stops at Jewel and buys me expensive flowers on his way home from work because the "guys" told him to.
These expensive flowers freeze from the store to the car from the car to the house ans wind up lasting 2 days.
This year I threatened him. I hope it works!

That chick was a slut! ;o)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I'm not sure what a decolletage is, but the word sure is sexy. Just reading it turns me on! :)

I hope you have a nice VD. I'm sure it'll be even better once the old man gets home!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Have a good celebration late, sounds to me like you've got the winning plan no matter what the husband does.

Happy Valentines day!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 1:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope you have a fabulous Valentine's Day, different kinda gal. I like your plan!! let us know how it all goes!

Now i gots a vraving for gooey brownies!!

have a great day!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 6:12:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Glad to see my masterful artwork is being put to good use. I was going to sell a print on eBay, but... this works too.

I actually was at Walgreen's last night, wandering around, sifting through Valentine's crap. No "Riding Dirrrty" CDs, sadly. I did find some pink heart-shaped Peeps. Where does that fall in the gift-giving scale? Above or below lip-balm-on-a-rope?

Next year, I'm going to hand-craft you an ugly red wallet. Then I'll say, "PSYCHE!", all 80s-like, and take it away from you.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, Molly and I have never been much on the whole V-Day thang. Our most memorable V-Day was probably the one we spent in the ER getting 1F's knee stitched up. After which, we couldn't even find anyplace to eat, 'cuz, like, all the restaurants were packed. . .

But, this year, I got Molly a box of her absolute, most favoritest candy, and an affectionately goofy card ("So why did I get you a Valentine's Day card this year?". . . (inside) "Because you let me play with your boobs." Does that rock the house, or what?). But, she'll probably roll her eyes and say, "It's Lent" and put it away 'til Easter. . .

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Aw! Hello Kitty in the red bikini!

Valentine's day can suck it. I really think that instead of Walgreen's, the tool man should start purchasing whistling monkeys or something from the Kum & Go. Now that would be a gift!

On a rope? Seriously, ha! Hi, I'm twelve and you're eleven, here is my offering of chapstick in a tube on a rope. SNORT Gotta love him though, ha.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, and you know that my heart just melts with the Beatles references, don't you?

And I have no doubt at all that You're a Woman. . .

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

You know, the dye probably would have rubbed off that wallet leaving your hands all red and blotchy, so you got the better end of the deal.

And really, I was hearing REO Speedwagon.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:46:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Melissa - HA! I forgot to mention how many times my husband has shopped at The Nothing Store! The only good thing about getting a toaster for a gift? It's practical, and I like peanut butter toast!

bee - The key, I think, is those flowers that never seem to die. Like chrysanthemums. Those things are way too durable. I think those AND cockroaches will be the only thing that survives an atomic blast.

Chuck - I like to use the fancy words for boobs! Hope you have a happy Valentine's Day, too!

Sailor - Thank you! The key now is getting the whole plan carried out. Hope you have a nice Valentine's Day, too!

Katie - Happy V Day AND Valentine's Day to you, too! Hopefully it will all go well!

FTN - In our 80s movie scenario, will you be the studly, quiet and brooding hero (aka Jake Ryan) or the cute, charming and deserving of the girl character (aka Farmer Ted and/or Duckie).

I think we should carry out that scene in the parking lot of the Walgreen's.

Desmond - When I first read this:

"But, this year, I got Molly a box of her absolute, most favoritest candy, and an affectionately goofy card ("So why did I get you a Valentine's Day card this year?". . . (inside) "Because you let me play with your boobs." Does that rock the house, or what?). But, she'll probably roll her eyes and say, "It's Lent" and put it away 'til Easter. . ."

I thought "Molly gave up letting Desmond touch her boobs for Lent!?!?!" and I wondered how you were gonna make it through the remaining days! But then I read it again, and it was clear, but I like my version better! Happy Valentine's Day, Des.

Nan - I want a tshirt that says "Valentine's Day Can Suck It!" I wonder if they have those at the Kum and Go. If not, I'm going to suggest it. And then I'm gonna walk out hand in hand with my whistling monkey and Diet Mountain Dew refill!

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie!

Des - You know I can't hear a Beatles song without thinking "Des probably likes this song, too," so know that you get thought about a few times a day if their stuff comes up on the rotation on the iPod as I go to and frome work!

Michael - Ha! You're right! I probably should be thanking my eighth grade crush for saving my life from the lack of exposure to that red dye! And thanks for putting that REO Speedwagon song in my brains!

Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:49:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Farmer Ted in Sixteen Candles is seriously my hero. One of my favorite lines in movie history is when he and Jake's girlfriend wake up in the car at the end of the movie.

"Where are we?"

"I think we're in the parking lot of my church."

"You own a church?"

That's genius, right there.

I'd probably rather be Jake, but in actuality I'd be Farmer Ted. Or maybe Long Duc Dong. At least in my high school days.

But not Duckie. No. Never, ever Duckie.

Thursday, February 14, 2008 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

"I thought, 'Molly gave up letting Desmond touch her boobs for Lent!?!?!'"

Yeef, you had me hyperventilating there for just a second - panic attack, and all that!

But, I absolutely called it - after thanking me ever-so-sweetly for the candy (which may or may not have included some pre-dawn something-or-other), she deposited it, unopened, in her 'Easter candy hiding place'. . . Yeah, we've been married for 27.5 years. . .

Thursday, February 14, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I think God created paragraphs so you could take a breath everyonce in a while! ;)


Happy Valentines Day friend, and here is to future better gifts, and more long winded stories that make my days and nights more enjoyable!!!


(the best valentines gift I could get is blogs that dont have these stupid "verify the letters" cause I am half blind and screw them up all the time! :) Its called getting old)

Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:25:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

No making me laugh like that when I Have The Sickness! I had to cough up chunks. Also, I am so hoarse from the laryngitis that when I laugh it sounds so funny, it makes me laugh MORE.
feel free to purloin my boudoir photos w/girlfriend as photographer idea for next year--I'm sure that The Tool Man would love it.

Saturday, February 16, 2008 7:51:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

FTN - As I sit here watching "Sixteen Candles" and steadying myself for the soon to start "Breakfast Club," I think that I can *totally* see you as a Farmer Ted. It's no wonder it's PO Boxes all the way with us, mister.

Desmond - Does this mean that I've nicely settled into the married routine when I can figure out the husband's next move before he ever makes it?!

justlori2day - Ha! I think that's *exactly* why God created paragraphs. Actually, God has to tap me on the shoulder every once in awhile to remind me to take a breath!

1blueshi1 - Consider me your over the counter remedy, sweetie! And trust me, I've jotted a little Post It note about the boudoir shots and tucked it into my calendar! Hot!

Sunday, February 17, 2008 10:07:00 PM  

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