...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, February 11, 2008

'i wish i was a baller'

Anyone who knows me knows I like things in pairs.

Peanut butter and jelly
Hall and Oates
Young and restless
Barnes and Noble
Bill and Ted
My kick ass Chucks
Duran and Duran
Ken and Barbie
Adam and Eve
Waldorf and Statler

All these things have a magic that just makes them work together. No question. Especially those kick ass Chucks of mine! What doesn't seem to work together so well is basketball and porn.

Oh, I can give you a moment to ponder that and come up with a case that yes, yes it's possible these two things can play well together, because I spent a chunk of my weekend considering just that, but you'd have to admit it's kind of creepy. At least, I thought so.

In the event you don't see it as creepy, let me set the scene for you. Saturday morning, we're courtside as my son's fifth/sixth grade YMCA team kicks off the first in it's series of March Madness basketball games (nevermind it's February. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense). Behind me sits the mother of a child from the opposing team. Up to three minutes into the second quater of the game (with my son's team up a handy 18 points over their opponent, thank you very much) this mother, who had been until then just mildly expressive in her cheers, decided a new strategy was in order.

"Grab those loose balls, boys!" she yelled. "Take it to the hole!"

"Box him out, baby!" replaced "Go team!" and was then enhanced with "You gotta kiss the rim!"

At first, it was fine. I get it. Sports euphemisms are cute. But these were coming from her with complementary breathy sighs and gushes of "OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, YES!!!" everytime a boy on her son's team made a move to drive the lane.


Or, as she described it, "penetrate the lane."

When that one came from her list - and just before she let her hair down, peeled off her demure librarian glasses, and loosened up the buttons on her blouse and whipped things up to the XXXth degree - I leaned over to my husband and asked him if felt as dirty as I did. My husband, being the playa he likes to imagine he is, gave me a look that was all "I'm gonna personal foul you later when we get home and play on the hard wood," so I knew he'd keyed in on this cheerleader.

In the end, after an overtime basket that clinched the win for my son's team (some one-on-one and double team action had paved the way for some out of control lay ups which pushed the score in the final drive. See? I'm down with the sporty talk, Sporto!), I left the school gym feeling like I needed a shower and maybe file a police report.

And wondering what I'd be getting myself into if my kids were into soccer, instead.


Labels:

19 Comments:

Blogger Chag said...

While I have heard all those phrases uttered at basketball games, I have failed to make this connection. You don't think any less of me, do you?

Sunday, February 10, 2008 9:48:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Um, David Beckham? Uh huh, that is what I would think if they were into soccer.

That was all over my head. I just don't get it. ;) SNORT!

Monday, February 11, 2008 12:56:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

ew.
i felt dirty reading that.

now i'm with nan-i'd like to bend beckham.

rawwrr.

Monday, February 11, 2008 6:00:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I was actually wondering how any sixth grade boys could actually get any playing done between the snickers. This is right at sixth grade level -- and obviously I mean that as a compliment to you, not an insult -- so I'm wondering how many of them ended up with travelling calls as a result of the giggles.

This is also bringing back bad memories of my junior high basketball team. Don't ask. My therapist says that I shouldn't talk about it quite yet.

Monday, February 11, 2008 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, yeah. . . been there, done that. "Penetrate, and take it to the hole", and all that. Good, good stuff. . .

This weekend, I spent a couple hours at 4M's wrestling tournament. One of the coaches is named. . . are you ready for this, 'cuz I am not making this up. . . Rocky Shaft. Yeah, sounds like a porn star, doesn't it? I just looked at my son, and said, "He must be a really, really tough guy, 'cuz I'm sure he took no end of crap in junior high, until he figured out how to make it stop. . ."

Monday, February 11, 2008 9:18:00 AM  
Anonymous M said...

The worst part about that scenario is trying to hide your arousal at a boys' basketball game. If you're discovered, there's really no graceful exit. The least damaging solution would be to point at breathy, euphemism-spouting mom and scream, "SHE did this to me!"

Then you run. There's really no other way.

Monday, February 11, 2008 9:27:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

My kids weren't into sports after the 3rd grade. Gosh, now I kinda wish they had been. . . .

Monday, February 11, 2008 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Finally, someone else who admits their love for Bill and Ted. My wife thinks I'm an idiot for that.

Monday, February 11, 2008 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger katie said...

yah for your son's team!! and i love bill and ted myself, girl!

Have a great week!

Monday, February 11, 2008 4:16:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I knew all the Baseball euphs but never in one million years did I think about Basketball ones.
You have a talent!

Monday, February 11, 2008 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Wow...you know, the kids that age won't likely pick up on most of that, but when they hit highschool age, that's going to be distracting! LOL
Stacie

Monday, February 11, 2008 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Chag - I shall never think less of you, no matter what! And it was this basketball mom's delivery that really inched up the creepiness factor.

That or I'm kind of immature!

Nan - Oh! Oh, well, if the thoughts turned to David Beckham, then after work today, I'm getting these kids signed up for spring soccer leagues!

kimmy - I'm afraid I feel dirty all the time. Especially when I'm thinking of David Beckham now!

FTN - I don't think the boys on the court heard a thing. In the zone. Or some other such sports euphemism! I don't know if that's a creey euphemism or not. Maybe I should say it outloud in a very breathy, begging voice. One second.

Yeah, ok. It could be.

Des - I'm almost afraid I couldn't attend a wresling meet where the coach is named Rocky Shaft. ESPECIALLY a Rocky Shaft who liked to wrestle. Because I'd constantly be poking my husband and snickering, and he'd get irritated.

M - This is a good plan of yours! I should have thought of it when the game went into overtime and we had to sit it out and wait to jump on the impact this mom had on us!

Thanks for visiting and dropping a line!

Phyllis - It makes getting up and spending hours at games every Saturday morning worthwhile!

RS - "And we are...WYLD STALLYNS!"

You are always welcome here, RS. Always.

Katie - You, too, Katie! Enjoy your V Week!

Bee - I get distracted by the guys with the bats, so I don't know any of the baseball euphemisms. Maybe we can share sometime!

Stacie - Hopefully, by the time my son is playing high school baseball, I'll be less giggly when I'm in the stands and cheering him and his team on!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger Scarlett Wanna Be said...

"kiss the rim" huh? Yikes! Isn't 6th grade a little early for that?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Scarlett - My hope (fingers crossed) is they really just think it has to do with the game of basketball and not the gigglefest remark I turned it into in my own head.

Though seriously, if there comes a point when they start throwing a (*) sign on the court, I'm gonna get a little freaked out. Then I'm gonna call you and be all "HEY! It caught on! Woo HOO!"

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 7:51:00 PM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

I'm here for the Skee-Lo.

I heart Skee-Lo.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 8:04:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Linked over via Chag -- he said "Sex and Basketball," and I immediately thought of the Xavier McDaniel scene from "Singles."

I'm pretty sure this is more disturbing.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 7:49:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Taja - Ha! I keep coming back here for Skee-Lo, too! I am pretty sure Skee-Lo appreciates that there's a couple of us still in his corner!

twobusy - Oh! I remember that scene. Sometimes I wonder if my husband would say the same thing if I asked him what he was thinking during that moment.

Glad you swung through. Chag's a good guy! Thanks, also, for the comment!

Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:36:00 AM  
Anonymous angie said...

i promise...

you and i speak a lot alike.

duran duran all the way, mama!

Monday, February 18, 2008 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Angie - Until I die! And even then, I'll have left directions to have some Duran Duran played at my funeral!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 7:41:00 AM  

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