...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

testing the theory of 'just what the doctor ordered'

When my husband gets sick, I tend to be as nurturing and caring as I can be while he pushes himself back toward health. I make sure he stays hydrated, eats right when he feels like eating, and stays on a meds schedule.

If it weren't for the fact I hate blood, can't handle anyone vomiting, and OK, have, on occasion suggested he take his stuffed up, lung ripped body down to the couch so I can get some sleep (I'm not proud, OK? I like beds. I like sleep. Beds + sleep = bliss), I could totally be a nurse.

Wait! Being a nurse might sometimes involve bodily fluids other than vomit and blood, right? OK. I couldn't be a nurse, then. Definitely not.

But I can be a good wife, so yes, when my husband is ill, I do take care of him and I do sympathize when he feels he's going to die by assuring him that under no circumstance is a cold going to kill him. And then I'm usually all, "Give me a break! I pushed two kids out of my body without pain numbing potions so just maybe zip it on the whole 'My guts feel like they've been yanked from my body through my nose, stomped on, set on fire, then shoved back in by a claw-handed rabid animal,' business, OK mister?"

Seriously. Sometimes the dude can be a little whiney. Sheesh!

So, ahem. Where were we? Oh, yes. I take care of my husband when he's sick. This doesn't, however, mean I (finger quotes) take care of him (finger quotes) when he's sick. Wink wink (because I say that in my head when I allude to the sexy sexiness). I've yet to read any journals of medicine that say a lack of anything sexy will kill you when you're recuperating from a generic illness like the flu or a cold. Besides, having him hack that yanked out lung across my back or in my face? Not freakin' cool!

But today? Today the tables are turned, my friends. Today I woke up with a raging sore throat and plugged up nose and itchy throat. A slurry of symptoms brought to a head from the cold I felt come on yesterday afternoon. I'm quite the sight, and I sound very alluring with the husky, yet whispery voice the sore throat has necessitated.

I came downstairs this morning hoping my husband would jump to my aid and shower me in Daytime Nyquil and blankets warmed in the dryer. I would do the same for him, you see (or maybe you wouldn't actually see, because that intent sometimes never makes it out of the file marked "good ideas, but eh, whatever" in my head, and if you could actually see, then I'm clearly sicker than I thought).

This is what I got instead:

Me: Cough, cough, ugh. Rattle. Cough, cough, oh, ouch.
Him: Stands up. Stretches. Smirks. Pats his down there dingle dangle. Looks at me, all "And so?"
Me: Eye (cough, hack, ouch!) roll.
Him: Thinks maybe she didn't get the message. Lowers waistband of pajama pants. Shakes down there dingle dangle at her. Smirks.
Me: "Are you (cough, sniff, sniff, blow, sniff, cough, ouch!) kidding me with this?"
Him: Shake. Shake. Flop. Shake. Smirk. Eyebrow raise. Wiggle. Shake.
Me: "I have a sore (cough, cough, ouch!!!, cough) throat and you want me to do that?"
Him: "It's nature's...."
Me: "DO NOT say it's nature's elixar and/or cure!!!" (cough, ouch, sniff, blow, sniff, ouch, cough)Him: Pat. Pat. Pat. Shake. Dangle. Shake. Pat. Flip. Twist. Smirk. Flop. Shake.
Me: Blank stare. Meds coursing through my system. Hallucinating. Pretty birds. Flowers. Cute men. No cares. Cough. Cough. Rattle. Ouch.
Him: "So, whataya think?" Pats down there dingle dangle again. Again. Again. Again.
Me: Cough. "I think you don't - cough, cough, ouch!, cough, sniff, blow, ouch!, cough - really need me in this study you've got going on?"

Alas, he has spent the morning shaking his thing at me.

All. Morning.

All.

(And again just now!)

Nevermind he seems to have not yet realized my stuffed up nose would prevent me from breathing, thus leaving him with the potential for an entirely different medical tragedy on his hands if I suddenly felt the need to partake of this wacky science of his!

Seriously. This is how the tables turn and he opts to try and take care of me!! By getting a little cared for himself.

Well done, Loving Husband, M.D. Well done. Your co-payment is in the mail.

Labels:

23 Comments:

Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Apparently both our husbands have the need to shake their tools at us. What is that about? Granted, there are times this can be slightly cute, but every night gets slightly predictable. Sometimes I just wave back. When I'm feverish, though, he knows not to tempt me. I don't know what it is, but when I'm sick my libido goes through the roof!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Geez, I'd think he'd be worried about gettin' some kind of viral dingle-dangle thing. . .

Molly and I are not above a bit of orgasm therapy, but it's pretty much on the sick one to initiate the festivities. . .

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Impressive that you are that patient. I don't think my wife would speak to me for a month if I did that... Let alone me getting any of the "and so?"

It says something for the marriage, I suppose, that the simple lowering of the waistband and the dingle-dangling has apparently worked in the past.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I think your husband might be on to something there. I read in Prevention Magazine once (or maybe it was Hustler) that man juice is indeed an elixir and can cure everything from strep throat to certain kinds of cancer. You might want to give it a try!

:)

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

I hope you feel better. Sounds like you have something akin to the infection I had this weekend. A few things come to mind on the other issue....but nothing that would help or be productive...I have to control my instigating side you know.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

I'm going to have to kill my husband when he gets home.

OB-viously, he's married to both of us.

Sorry you're sick, hope you feel better!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!::breath::BWAHAHAHAHA!

The hubs told me the same thing about teh remedy for a soar throat!! Do you think they have a playbook the all share?
That's my theory!
Maybe we should write one too.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

AND! Hope you feel better!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

This so sounds like a man! My husband does this exact same thing to me all the time - drives me insane. When I had my kidney surgery he even offered "other places" he could "shake it". I told him of a few places he could shake it that didnt concern me!

I would get a refund on that co-pay! ;)

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 7:53:00 PM  
Blogger Southern Gentleman said...

It's been medically proven that sex will cure the common cold ... in men. And if you give me a few hours I can write up -- errr, I mean research the apporopriate articles.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008 11:52:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I can only shake my head. ;) And apparently that is all the tool man wants to do as well! Bah dum ching.

Men....grrrrr!

Hope you are feeling better sweetie.

Thursday, February 07, 2008 1:15:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Phyllis - An informal study of my comments seems to indicate that the men are a bunch of dingle dangle waggers. This, I have to admit, surprises me a little bit. I should tell my husband, but I think he likes thinking he's the only one! Kudos to you, too, for not tempering the libido when you have an actual temp!

Des - If that thing started dripping and hacking, I'd freak. Then I'd call the producers of Discovery Health and pitch a show topic. Then I'd ask if Mike Rowe could host.

So the more I think this out, the better it sounds. I may have to go cough on his thing when I'm done here!

FTN - Were I not a patient patient, or a patient wife, we'd have split up long ago, because this is pretty much an every day event with him. It's like the air I breath. When I can breath. Because right now, I'm pretty stuffed up.

Oh, and apparently, I'm easy.

Chuck - I think I read that article. I think it was called "The Powers of Population Potion". I read it because my husband tore it out and shoved it - and his thing - in my face!

CCD - Congrats on controlling your instigating side! And thank you for the get well wishes!

Melody - I hope you just maybe hurt your husband a little bit, not killed him! I'd hate to feel bad about that on top of the sore throat and cold I have!

Thanks for your visit and comment, too!

Bee - I totally think they get handed a playbook at around age 14, and then they just wait to unleash the magic. I bet if we sat down and penned a guidebook for women, we'd sell countless copies and get ourselves a segment on Oprah!

Thanks for the get well wishes!

justlori2day - OH! He played this card after you'd had surgery?! That's bold! That's just downright bold! I shall not be telling this to my husband (because I assume he's not gotten to that part in the playbook), because it may result in surgery for him, too, and to be honest, our insurance plan sucks!

Southern Gentleman - I hear this magic exists for also alleviating headaches. That's not happened for me to date. If and when it does, I'll toss my research in with yours.

Thanks for your visit and comment, sir!

Nan - Snort! Tip your waitress, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you! Feeling a little better today. Still early, though, and I'm kind of shaky, so work will be a good time, I'm sure!

Thursday, February 07, 2008 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

OMG...MEN. i have nothing else to add.

feel better soon!!

Thursday, February 07, 2008 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

I have never been "sick" since I've known my husband, for the past 10 years. Who has some cold and/or flu bugs they'd like to share??? I'd like to see how he handles it. Hmm...

Thursday, February 07, 2008 2:27:00 PM  
Blogger Scarlett Wanna Be said...

You know what I think? I think you should have shown him a (*) and then maybe he would have left you alone.

PS-I also thought that would be a great band name.

Thursday, February 07, 2008 11:17:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

April - APRIL! So good to see your name pop up here! And I know, right?! And here we are, trapped in houses with just men and boys!! Well, ok, maybe not "trapped," but coping. Coping might be the better word!

Tajalude - I'd offer to lick ya or breath on you, but then it's gonna open up a whole can of man worms and honestly, I'm feeling so grossed out from this cold that I don't know if I can handle that right now with my amazing zingers and responses!

Scarlett - Oh! I'm scared if I did give him a (*), he'd have a reaction that wasn't exactly an eye roll!

And this band? Wanna play guitar or something?

Friday, February 08, 2008 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Im thinking he might have thought what my husband thought - and that aint pretty!!!

Hon, I hope you are feeling better!

On another note:

Heidi tagged me with a Meme, and I am now taggng you:
http://owedtojoy.blogspot.com/2008/02/meme.html

Friday, February 08, 2008 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

you shoulda hacked your lung up on his you know what...

men do not get it.

i'm sorry you're sick...i hope you're feelin better now.

Friday, February 08, 2008 5:47:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

Maybe if you'd have bit down on it, just a weensy bit, he'd have left you alone. Men....go figure :)

Hope you're feeling better!

Friday, February 08, 2008 9:31:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I just tell my husband, "Did you know you can get strep anywhere?" and that's the end of it.

(Whether that is a fabrication or not is debatable. I'm sure in the history of all medicine someone, somewhere, has gotten strep weiner.)

Saturday, February 09, 2008 1:11:00 AM  
Anonymous C-Marie said...

While reading I couldn't help but laugh because it just insures my philosophy that MOST (99.9) men have been cracked out of the same "it's all about me" mold....
GAWD!

Maybe next time when he's rippin a lung, give him back some of his own medicine. LOL!

Sunday, February 10, 2008 8:16:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I guess it says something about our marriage that while both times I was in the hospital post-childbirth, I was all, wink wink nudge nudge whatdya know, but right now? with this sore throat? it's a good thing he is sick too. and does not take it very well when I try to ease the crunchy bits off the ends of his nose hairs.

Sunday, February 10, 2008 7:09:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

justlori2day - Nothing pretty about him or me today. God bless him for trying, but you'd think the eye rolling I've been giving him today would temper him some!

Thanks for the tag. I'll note it and get to it sometime this week!

kimmyk - I shiver to think that even hacking up my lung on his, you know, might not even deter him. Cyborg. Dude's a cyborg.

Wethyb - Ha! Making note of our medical suggestion now. This does, however, make me leery of what he'd do to me when he's sick and I pull this save trick of his out of my doctor's bag of tricks!

the weirdgirl - I think it is/would be called 'strepticatus weineratus,' and while it could be cleared up with a one shot dose of antibiotics, the victim of it would bemoan it and milk it for all they could.

Thanks for the visit, the comment, and for giving me a good excuse to use the word 'weiner' today.

c-marie - Ha! Um, in his defense, I should probably note that there are many days (and/or moments in said days) when I'm flopping things around in front of him, too!

Nice to see you here! Thanks for the comment.

1blueshi1 - "...and the world was at peace again, as she saw the triumphant return of 1blueshi1 to these hallowed comments..."

Oh, seriously, moments, and I mean MOMENTS after giving birth to both my kids, I was all "so hey, when these doctors and nurses finally leave us alone and stuff, you maybe wanna?" to my husband.

Oh, but now, yeah, thanks for the visual image in my head now with the crunchy bits and notstril hairs!

Sunday, February 10, 2008 7:31:00 PM  

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