the smut meme (aka 'she'll never let your spirits down')

Melissa, the genius behind Grossly Unimaginative, is many things. One, she's owner of the blog title I wish I'd have thought of. Second, she's terribly clever. Third, she's the one who's succeeded in compelling me to do a meme!

To avoid anarchy, the smut meme comes with rules and regulations: Title your post the "Smut Meme," include the rules, and then select one choice from each of the following questions. When finished, tag two people to carry this topic through the universe. Tagged or not, feel free to share in the comments, or post it on your blog.

Now let's play TMI, shall we?

1. Chocolate or whipped cream - Perhaps you've heard about my torrid love for 100 Grand bars, yes? I would do things for chocolate. And when I say I would "do things,' I say that with a "wink, wink" implied there. Wink, wink.

2. Leather or PVC - According to a Google search, PVC is the poison plastic, and I'm not putting any poison plastic near my wink, wink. By default, this leaves leather. Leather + smut = assless chaps. Assless chaps + "Saddle up, cowboy!" = hot sex. You know this. Don't act like you don't.

3. Outdoor sex or indoor sex - Indoor. I am, however, willing to consider strategically open window blinds.

4. In the jacuzzi or in bed - In bed. I've nearly lost teeth when my knees slipped in a jacuzzi tub. While I suppose a lack of teeth could be considered beneficial in some wink, wink situations, I need them to eat the caramel goodness that is a 100 Grand bar.

5. Bad sex or no sex - I've participated in discussions debating the idea that even bad sex is good because at least you're having sex. I've had bad sex. I'll take bad sex.

6. Dominate or be dominated - If by dominate you mean cater to me and tempt me with the good stuff, then yes. Dominated. However, if you mean the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, then no thank you.

7. Thigh highs or body stocking - Body stockings make me think of a superhero costume. If I were a superhero, I'd likely be some tortured soul, living underground or wearing a simple pair of glasses to blend into the general masses. That's just a lot of responsibility for one outfit. Now thigh highs? Hello, sexy. Thigh highs for you. Thigh highs for me.

8. Fast or slow - In my house, smut is a race, not a sprint. It's like the Iditorod or the Tour de France. It's days long, complete with courses filled with twists and turns, and there may be pack dogs and steroids involved. So slow is how we roll.

9. Rough or gentle - Rough. Not "yank my hair out, slice into me" rough. That kind of craziness only happens in the fake realm, right? But consider me made out of durable industrial grade plastics. The poison plastic PVC, perhaps. I can take the pressure. Wink, wink.

10. Bite or suck - Suck. It's like a Tootsie Pop. You savor it to get to the chewy reward in the center. You bite right away and things are over before you know it.

11. Role play or reality - Only once have we even attempted a role playing scenario and it was before we were married. And it was hilariously bad. Like an awful high school drama production. Actually, it turned into a comedy almost imediately. Let's call it a dramedy. I shudder even thinking about it. Thus, reality is how we roll. In fact, if this writer's strike lasts much longer, we may fill a timeslot on Monday nights on CBS.

12. Dirty talking or dirty talking to - I can do the dirty talk like a champ. Mostly down the basement and in the old man's Ford. Long distance relationships will get you a blue ribbon in that category. However, I'm married to a man who has gotten me naked with the Beavis voice, so clearly, I like to sit back and have the work done for me.

13. Edible panties or no panties - There should be a line drawn at the level of stickiness that comes with smut. When I think sticky, I think edible underwear. And honey. What's not sticky? No panties. That's where I'm going.

14. Spanking paddle or bare hand - Bare hand. This way, I don't feel like it's Greek Week every time the smut starts happening.

15. Landing strip or Kojak - Landing strip. But I tell you what. If it looked like I was going Kojak, I'd not deny the inevitable with a comb over or a do rag. Embrace the bald. You ain't foolin' anyone. And for the love of Pete, if I was just wandering around my own house, there'd be no hat on. Vanity stops at the front door, ll.

16. Multiple sessions or one good fuck - See #8. Even when I'm looking for one good one, it has the tendency to go into multiple sessions. Pros and cons, people. Pros and cons.

17. Moaning or screaming - I'm a moaner, ladies and gentleman. I will moan in pleasure over a good meal, the pain of a Charley horse, and good (or bad) sex. Sometimes all at the same time.

18. Older men or younger men - My crushes are most often younger men. They're frisky. I married a younger man. So what if he's only six months younger than me? He's got some frisky in him.

19. Threeway or no way - Hell to the no. I will live vicariously through the very poor example of a threesome some friends pulled in college, and even that's closer than I want to be to a threesome. Plus hello? Competition! I don't need the competition. Oh, and there's that little thing about being enough woman for one man. Rawr! That's right. I just said "Rawr!"

There you go. Now you're all uncomfortable with what you know about me. Are we ok? I know that happened really fast, but it felt right. I don't do this kind of thing with just anybody, so doing it with you felt special. Can we do it again sometime? I'll ping you, ok?

To keep the glow of our fake love alive, I'm going to tag my girl Nan, and, because in my dreams he'll do anything for me, I'm also taggin FTN (I hear you now. "I don't, as a rule, do meme's, Fadkoggy, but since you're wearing that red bikini and we're 'what not' this and 'what have you' that, then yes. Yes, I will do this. For you."). I know Nan will hook me up. Believe me. I know she will. I'm not so sure about FTN, though. Even with the guilt smack I just laid down. So, if you feel bad for me, or strangly tingly knowing all this about me now (even if none of it surprised you), and you want to do this, let me know.

Especially if your answers involve 100 Grand bars and Beavis voices.