...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, January 11, 2008

peanut butter & shark. two great tastes that taste great together. sorta. ok, not really

Nan hooked me up with the mix for these kick ass peanut butter bars from her pantry last week. Yum yum, man! These are damn good stuff! Delish!

As I was baking them Wednesday afternoon, the shark was swarming around me, eager for a snack. I thumped him on the nose several times, trying to shoo him away, pointing out shiny things that might distract him. "Look, Sharky! New toys! Oooo...shiny! Go play, Sharky!"
Normally, the big shark o' the ocean likes to swim and frolic amidst an ever-growing school of giggly krill, but it seemed this day it was all attention on me. Lucky!

"Maybe we could read books until our treats are ready to slice, Sharky," I suggested. "Why don't you go pick a couple out."

Of course, I realized suggesting this might be an exercise in futility, as sharks are notorious non-readers. If you quiz them, they give you just enough information to make you think they read something, but sharks find it hard to read because their fins are busy doing what fins need to do, thus, they can't turn pages. Conundrum! Sharky knows it's OK, though, because the tendency is to feed him the answers he's after. Especially if he flashes you a smile, all shiny teeth and attention.

Sharky swam back up with a book about surviving shark attacks, telling me to check it out. "Ha! Ten true tales of survival" I muttered. "Oh, I bet there are a TON of these survival stories out there!"

Scanning the pages and finding no pictures, I suggested Sharky pick a different book. Because of that whole non-reading thing, pictures really hold Sharky's attention, and we still had some time before our yum yum peanut butter bars cooled.

A few moments later, I heard Sharky chuckling quietly to himself. "Heh, heh, heh." I turned to discover he was looking at pictures of dolphins, glancing at me with a 'knowing' look,' and trying to make out the wordy words in the section titled "Fun and Games."

"Oh, you foolish, foolish shark," I laughed, shaking my head. "I totally see your motive. I know how it is. Sharks are all about about you, you, you when they start playfully bumping you around the ocean with their dorsal fin, but eventually they like to chit chat all about them.

"Do you think my dorsal fin is beautiful? I bet you think my sleek, torpedo-shaped body is hot, don't you? You know I don't have any bones, right? This is all cartilage, baby!"

Oh yeah, it's not one way at all! Riiiight. Sharks. They are such narcissists! Sharky wasted no time proving he's was no exception when, a few moments later, he nipped at my fingers and demanded I turn the pages back to the section on sharks. "Typical," I sighed.
Finally, Sharky could bear it no longer. The succulent smell of peanut butter was filling the air and the demands for a chomp began in an earnest passion that soon lurched into begging. "Gimme a snack! Gimme a snack! I need a snack! Can I have a snack! Feed me the snack! Snack! Snack! Snack! Please, will'ya give me a snack?!" Sharky pleaded.

"Hey, Sharky. Listen. These yum yum bars have peanut butter in them. You've told me sharks don't do peanut butter, remember? You've told me peanut butter is bad for your shiny, sharp teeth. You sure you want to tempt yourself?" I asked. "If you start with just a taste of peanut butter, you're opening a huge can of tuna. Why, you might start looking for people to give you peanut butter all the time! I'm not naive, Sharky. It's out there. I know it!"

"Gimme your peanut butter!" Sharky whispered, the slightest grin spreading across his face. Stunned at Sharky's apparent disregard for our bond when faced with the temptation of all the chunky and smooth peanut butter that's out there in the world, I gave in. "Tell me if you like it, Sharky," I said with barely a trace of resignation in my voice. I'd had it with Sharky. I told him to open his mouth wide and I shoved in the biggest yum yum peanut butter bar I could down his throat.

"That's so good, isn't it, Sharky?" I asked. Sharky nodded. "Goddamn girl! These are great. You're quite the cook! When I'm not here, I may want these again. Are these sold anywhere? Say, do you have any coffee?" he asked, then beat his fin on the counter, indicating he craved more (I don't lie, so when I tell you these peanut butter bars courtesy of Nan are delish, they are, as described, kick ass!). He downright shoved my treats into his gullet. You'd think he'd have gotten tired of eating so much, but apparently sharks are notorious for gorging and then going back for more, unable to accept their reality. Stunned, I could only watch this train wreck and ask, "That's just what you wanted, wasn't it?" Sharky couldn't answer. By then his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and the fact that he just then realized he had been existing outside a body of water for the better part of forever sent his body flailing around the kitchen. Helpless (and, huh, a little less than sympathetic) I watched Sharky flip and twist, making a mess of the place.

Hours (and hours) later, this was what remained of Sharky and the pan of peanut butter bars. Was it worth it? Well, only Sharky can say for sure, but clearly he's not talking. "Whatever," I say. He new the deal when he suddenly switched from being a blood thirsty carnivore to a sweet treat eating psycho shark, so clearly, I've little sympathy for the damage done. Oh sure, you could argue that I caved and fed his sweet tooth. I'm sure I wasn't the first. He'd dipped that sleek shark skin other places before settling at mine. And I know I wouldn't have been the last. In the end, sometimes sharks get what they deserve.

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19 Comments:

Blogger Sailor said...

You had me cracking up with this one, you sure write well.

Lotsa fun- and too bad sharky!

Thursday, January 10, 2008 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis Renée said...

So, you're saying the peanut butter bars are to-die-for, huh?

Poor sharky . . .

Friday, January 11, 2008 5:43:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

oooh, please come to my kitchen and we can make fantastic peanut bars together! ;)

Friday, January 11, 2008 7:12:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Ooh, beam me one over ll! Mmmmmm, I ate mine.

Seriously, those are the best peanut butter bars evah!

I thought sharks were finicky! Oh wait, they are! Always expecting the perfect meal, and requiring the meal to swim around while the shark investigates the other krill carefully selecting the kill of the night.

That last picture, deja vu in more ways than one. Gah!

bgmssugtmegng

Friday, January 11, 2008 7:36:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

I like the whole shark/ dolphin thing! :)

Friday, January 11, 2008 8:28:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, I don't get it. . .

But, um, just which 'fin' was he banging on the counter? Sounds painful, sorta. . .

Friday, January 11, 2008 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I can totally see where sharkey is coming from, I've had those peanut butter bars, and they are to die for!
Stacie

Friday, January 11, 2008 9:15:00 AM  
Blogger cat said...

I am terrified of sharks. TERRIFIED. To the point that just seeing a photo of one has me starting to hyperventilate. I have to give you kudos though because this is the first time EVER in my entire life that I have found a shark-like thing to be remotely cute. This post was very amusing and cute and I had to keep reading, which is hard with your eyes closed so as to not see the shark photos, but I slightly looked and I smiled.

Your super powers are that great that you were able to make me think a shark thingy was cute-ish.

And you really need to write a book.

Friday, January 11, 2008 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

The shark metaphor is deep. And brilliant. Brilliantly deep and deeply brilliant. It's a shame that someone as smart and well-read as my good friend Desmond up there just doesn't get it.

Although honestly, all I could think about was those peanut butter bars. I think I need to do some cooking tonight.

Unless you want to send me a few...

Friday, January 11, 2008 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis Renée said...

This was a metaphor?? I thought it was just a story about fadkog making peanut butter bars and her talking shark. Now if it was about some hammerhead wanting to taste her muffins, well then I would totally get that.

Friday, January 11, 2008 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I'm lost.....

Friday, January 11, 2008 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I think it's completely selfish of you to not post the recipe.
Here I am starving to death (not really, my blubber could keep me for a month without food) and now craving peanut butter!

Friday, January 11, 2008 2:52:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

carnage.
that's what it is.
everywhere you look-carnage.

i would so not give up the peanut butter.

Friday, January 11, 2008 8:43:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Did you swipe some of my drugs?

Saturday, January 12, 2008 11:21:00 AM  
Anonymous prom queem said...

All that delicious torment and no recipe!?!?! What if I have a shark of my own at home that I want to put into glucose overload?

Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:13:00 PM  
Blogger Trueself said...

Okay, I really think you've officially jumped the shark with this post. Or I'm just mad 'cause I don't get it. Something like that.

Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Sailor - Oh, have no sadness for poor Sharky. Sharks like him just swim away and keep doing what they do. And his ghost may pop in from time to time

Thanks for the words on the writing!

Phyllis - The peanut butter bars are bad for sharks but just right for the likes of humans. They are delish!

1blueshi1 - I shall come bearing creamy peanut butter.

(and that comment sounds all nasty and laden with double entendre. I shall leave step away from it now, but know I do so with a smirk upon my face...)

Nan - Sharky did, indeed, leave a big mess. In the middle of cleaning it up, I fell asleep.

And spot on on your assessment of the finicky nature of the sharks, ll. I suppose they've learned there's always another puffer fish admist the others who stands out. For awhile, at least. Sharks are so classy. Sure.

itzgudtwobeeout

RS - If there is one thing I've learned, sharks and dolphins so shouldn't play together. On paper, it sounds good. In reality? Big mistake!

Des - I wish even I didn't get it! But I got it. And you'd think the fin pounding would hurt, but some sharks spend so much time with the pounding, I don't think they even realize they're still doing it!

Stacie - Indeed they are. Sharky likes to latch onto a treat here and there before moving on to brownies or cookies. But after indulging in the peanut butter bars, I can see why he'd gorge!

Cat - Ha! I'm glad my super powers were able to help you overcome, on some level, your fear of sharks. I have come to understand and sympathize, in a sense, with this fear.

Thank you for your compliment, too. I'd love to have a book. I'd slip it into the shelves at the bookstore where I work and be all "Oh, what's this!? Why, it's me!" All subtle and embarrassed. But smug. Oh so smug.

Until I became sad that no one was buying my book!

FTN - Except you, right Numby? You'd buy my book, wouldn't you? If I plied you with peanut butter bars and other assorted goods, you'd flip my pages, wouldn't ya?
Said imaginary book would be laden with metaphors and double entendre and tips on how to ensure the stability of large scale papier mache models. And it would be autographed.

Look for special gifts in your PO box soon!

Phyllis - Oh, there may be a dash of the muffin tasting hammerhead metaphor in there....

Choppzs - I wish I didn't get it either! It's ok that you didn't! I'm a wordy one, so no worries. I'm glad you chimed in to say you didn't!

Bee - Mmmm...peanut butter! I'd have dropped a recipe with this, but it was a delicious and apparently secret mix of goodness and glee, add peanut butter and an egg and a smidge of water. MAGIC!

kimmy - it's an absolute massacre is what it is. I'm telling you, carnage is spot on.

And it's good not to get so comfy you give up the peanut butter. Never get so comfy you're sharing the creamy.

Biscuit - If Vicodin would make me forget the likes of this shark, I'd aks you to hook a girl up!

Prom Queen - Make nice with Nan. She's a good person! There was no recipe, just magical deliciousness and tastebud popping delights!

(glad to see you back, btw!)

Trueself - Oh, I hope I've not jumped the shark myself. There doesn't appear to be any motorcycle jump ready for me in Arnold's parking lot yet! And don't be mad you don't get it. Sometimes these rambly wordy words are more for me, even though I do appreciate the comments!

Sunday, January 13, 2008 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I'm off to hit up Nanette for the recipe. Anything that good, I've got to have.

Monday, January 14, 2008 7:47:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Melissa - I have to find out if this sweet, sweet goodness if available online. If Nan hooks you up with the goods, let me know!

Monday, January 14, 2008 11:37:00 PM  

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