you can't fire me, i quit. (not really)
In an effort to bust a hole in the myth that Santa really does know if I've been bad or good, I told a little lie at work today so I could leave an hour earlier than scheduled. Why? Why tempt fate this close to Christmas, you ask?
Great bouncing icebergs, people! I've reached the point where I'm finding it difficult to smile and be friendly while people are making their lists, checking them twice, and ultimately saying "fuck it," before looking at me like I'm the elf that can solve their gift buying conundrums.
(The cussing up there? Naughty column. Come and do yer best, Santa. I dares ya!)
Here's the truth. I'm a misfit. Oh, sure, I was all gung-ho back in August when the holiday inventory started arriving, and we were getting the weekly pep talks from management ("Now you come to elf practice, learn how to wiggle your ears and chuckle warmly and go hee-hee and ho-ho and important stuff like that."). But now? I want to be done. I don't care that I only have 10 more retail hours scheduled between now and C-Day. I want to put tar on my radiant red nose and trot off on adventures with a little man who, when he asks if I'd be comfortable showing him my molars and bicuspids, really only wants to check out my molars and bicuspids.
Now that I've confessed to you all, I figure we should get our story straight. If anyone asks, my kindergartner's holiday concert was amazing! Those little angels were sooooo cute! Their performance of Handel's Messiah? Why, I tear up just thinking about it. Let's practice saying it together, shall we? Maybe say it a little slower. And might I suggest you don't make eye contact with Santa, even if he gets in your face and starts yelling and your eyes start to water because you're afraid you'll start to cry, but you'll be all, "No, old man! It's because your beard smells funny!" Hold strong. If Santa calls in his goon squad and they start kicking you in the shins with their cute little shoes, remember the goal - presents!
And know that next time you need someone to cover your back, I'm totally there for you. And if you need me to look up a book for you, I swear to you. No cussing (well, I mean I swear to you. I don't really mean swear swear to you).
Because I like presents, and I shouldn't tempt Santa any more than I may already have.
Labels: And if *you* wanna get me a gift, just ask. I've got a list.
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 12:00 AM
13 Comments:
Got it- the concert was great.
But, did you evade the goon squad okay? I'll not ask you to look up a book, thanks anyway. Bookstores are the one place I can happily browse on my own, not disturbing the sales staff that is busy with people that don't know what kind of book little Johnny would like, much less knowing (gasp!) and actual title.
Hang in there, C-day is almost here, and you can go back to helping people that actually want to read the books!
Hmm, we may need to work on some details of your story, there, missy. Because I'm not sure how gullible these people are. Handel's Messiah? Are you sure you don't want to go with something a little more on the kindergarten level, like, I dunno, maybe Beethoven's Fifth or a random Brandenburg Concerto, set to interpretive dance? Why not just say they did Turandot?
Lying AND cussing. You are a bad, bad girl. [Awkwardly stops before the "Daddy" thing goes any further.]
Just so long as you don't swear AT me, my dear. . .
And you meant that 'misfit' thing in the whole 'obscure reference to Christmas-y TV shows past' sense, didn't you?
And hey, can you send me the .mp3 of the 'Hallelujah' chorus? 'Cuz, now we're in the home stretch, and Molly's got 'Messiah' playin' on the stereo close to 24-7 by now. And the London Symphony Orchestra is like, so passe, y'know? I'm ready for a 'fresh' treatment. . .
But hey, after C-day, you've got a week or two of returns to look forward to, right? . . .
apparently I purchased my new seasonally festive inappropriate nightwear far, far too early. my tank proclaims NAUGHTY GIRLS GET MORE PRESENTS and the red boxers cause my cheeks to declare NAUGHTY (yes, those cheeks. hope you're not a visual person! hehehe)
this loses some impact when your ten year old follows you around chortling, "your butt says naughty" sounding like Beavis complete with snarky laughter. also, looking at the sad lack of gifts for me, apparently I have been far, far too good this year.
....sigh....
I was a Barnes & Noble manager for three years back in the mid 90's and because of working retail like I did I developed a hatred of Christmas. Actually I learned to hate all holidays where shopping was involved. Getting out of retail was the best cure for my christmas spirit!
You know Santa feels the same way. That's why I always leave him a nice cheese plate and bottle of red wine. Your secret is safe with me!
You so make my naughty list... Great bouncin icebergs indeed! (excellent boob analogy)
But with my being Savage Claus instead of Santa it's good to make my naughty list....
Big Daddy has been trying to get me on the naughty list all year!!!
I love being on the naughty list!
I made it again this year and am busy plotting away for 2008! ;o)
"...when he asks if I'd be comfortable showing him my molars and bicuspids..."
OMG! I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! Liar liar pants on fire!
twotrdfowrdvrfcashon
oh but the naughty list is soooo much more fun to be on, but if you insist, then you know I'm behind you all the way..I won't blow your cover. I'll go along with it for you..at the very least that'll make me an accomplice, assuring my spot on the naughty list..cuz you know..naughty is sooooo much more fun!
Stacie
Sailor - Thanks for playing along with my shady dealings. If Santa starts getting suspicious, I'll do someting to distract him, allowing you to make a dash for it. Just don't run to the bookstore. It's insane there! Thankfully, I have only a few more hours left in the madness!
FTN - Thankfully, you have curbed things before I went off on some rant about how you might want to spank me. Or ground me. But I can't do anything double - e'ish with a grounding. So yeah, we should change the subject.
After the Messiah, they acted out "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer," which, while cute, was just as annoying as any performance of that freakin' song. Someone shoulda spanked the composer of that dreck.
Des - OH, sure, I meant 'misfit' in the Rudolph sense. But there's a pretty big part of me that's a misfit. Screw it. I'm the mayor of misfit. But it's almost a new year, and I resolve to never misfit again! Or swear again. I can only guarantee one of those resolutions will be intact after a few weeks!
1blueshi1 - I would LOVE those pajamas. I'm not sure I'd love my five year old following me around spelling 'naughty' off my ass, which I've no doubt he would. Or my husband asking me to show him my presents. Maybe it's good I don't have those pajamas.
I've been super, super good this year, too. Based on my husband's gift buying skill, though, sometimes it's better to be good.
Chuck - Ah, good! So you can help me find a red book that I once saw in a Barnes and Noble in Kansas City. I think it was red. It may have been blue. I don't know who it's by or what it's about, but it had gold lettering on it, and it *may* have had the word 'the' in the body of it. Also, there's a chance a penguin was part of the story. Or a sea turtle. Either way, I think they may have worn glasses.
Whattaya mean you can't find it!?
Sugar Kane - You put out the fancy treats like that, I may want to deliver presents to you place!
Savage - When push comes to shove, if I have to confess, I'm more likely taking up space on the naughty list this year. So I guess you have some presents to deliver me, eh?
Scarlett - I held off as long as I could on the quest to get me on the naughty list, but inevitably, it just happens. You just gotta be sure to end up on the sorta-naughty list!
Bee - Already working on next year! I think that alone qualifies a couple notations on the naughty list!
Nan - Whenever your(sic) comfy, we'll proceed with the x-rays. No rush. Whenever!
Stacie - I've found it's ok to be on the naughty list. It just depends on who is actually keeping that naughty list. And how naughty you actually have to be. Super naughty? Nope. Sorta naughty? Ok, but again, depends on the list maker!
Hi hun sorry, haven't been over here in a while. This time for year can be stressful for every one, just know your not the only one that's been under pressure from customers.
S.R.
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