...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, December 07, 2007

we can't rewind we've gone to far

"Videotaped sex?" the man on the telephone said to me after I'd offered my cheery greeting.

Taken aback by his query, I was all, "How dare you, sir! I do not know what you take me for, but I am not some two-bit harlot! I am pristine!! Why, I never! The nerve you must have to sully my good name! Why, why, why if I could reach through this telephone and profer a dainty slap against your no doubt course cheek for the mud you wish to drag my made up pristineliness through, I would do so this instant! Do you hear me? This instant, I say! Videotape sex! Harummmmph! Why, that's unfathomable to me! How did you get this telephone number, anyway?"

"This is the giant megaton bookstore, right?" the man questioned, oblivious to the above dialogue. Because it was all in my head, naturally. "Ah!" I declared, suddenly remembering where I was. "You're asking me this as if it were a noun and not so much a verb, yeah? As in 'Do you have Videotaped Sex, not do you videotape sex?'"

Sure enough, I ascertained my wannabe actor was looking for a book. A how-to tome on capturing the lovey love thing for posterity. Alas, we didn't have it in stock, a fact that clearly disappointed him and required me to tell him we don't get a lot of inquiries for guides on videotaping sex.

"OK then, do you have any suggestions?" he asked.

"Well, for starters, spit out your gum or anything else you may be chewing before the camera starts rolling. That's just nasty," I responded (maybe in my head. maybe not. play along). "Oh! And whatever you do, do not look directly at the camera! Gah! People videotaping themselves having sex and insisting on breaking that third wall? That is my biggest freakin' pet peeve!"

"I was thinking maybe something about film making or photography," George Lucas-lite interrupted.

Sadly, we didn't have anything like that in stock right now, either. I fear I left him dejected. It's a fair trade off, really. Why? Because I wanted to ask him if it was truly necessary to have a how to book on making your own videotaped adventures (if you want that to happen, fast forward for this ending!). Color me naive, but if someone coerced me into videotaping the lovey love, it would be an exclusive, one time screening for an audience of two who - oh look! - just happen to be the stars of the film. No dwelling on the lighting, story arc or score, becaust it's not like anything I'd commit to tape would be making the award circuit at film festivals, thank you very much. Nor would you be able to go all, "So, you got a YouTube page?" to me in hopes I accidently send you a link because I have this really funny clip of something lame on there I want you to watch and in doing so, instead give you all out access to the rack. So give that one up before you ever start (But you? Oh, I will never give up on you!).

So read the above paragraph as a declaration that I've never taped myself having sex or engaged in any activity that may resemble sex. This could include, but is not limited to, the reactions one might see me have from eating a really great brownie or watching a movie on the Hallmark Movie Channel (The look on my face from those two options? Easily confused for the orgasm face. One a blissfully achieved appearance, the other a 'Thank goodness! Finally!' look. You decide which is which). No amount of quality lighting is going to change my mind. My rump shaker prefers to see where it's been as it moves along, not what it's doing bouncing around on my TV screen.

Because believe me, if it did start the bouncing, it would probably get a giant head and I don't want to have to figure out how it's going to hold the Sharpies to start signing autographs.

Labels:

17 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

Oh you know I'm the nasty!

You make me laugh so hard! I should pay you for all of the laughs, why not put together an invoice.....youporn moment for sure.

gahindeucng

Friday, December 07, 2007 2:25:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

LOL grrrl, I gotta go find some hangover meds.

Friday, December 07, 2007 6:16:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I think we're aware that I'm a huge fan of the videotaped sex.

That being said, quite honestly, I have high hopes for something a bit more complex. Something I could shoot and edit on a DVD, hence making it more interactive. Perhaps with multiple menus, and special features. Different camera angles. A commentary track, most definitely.

The feature itself would be a "choose your own adventure," if you will, all shot from the first person's perspective. You know, if you want to "do this," click here and see what happens. And so on.

As you can see, I've put some amount of thought into this. Will it ever happen? Probably not. Because who wants to spend 60 hours shooting and editing a film that no one is going to watch but me?

Well, okay, so I probably would, given the opportunity.

Youtube page? Do you *really* want to see my Youtube page? Are you sure you could handle that kind of power?

Okay, fine, you asked nicely. Here it is.

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Jeez, DKG. . . I was just kidding in my comment to your last post. . .

But, once again, I am one step ahead of the curve, am I not?

;)

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Free of charge, baby. Free. Of. Charge. We've so earned it...

1blueshi1 - I hope I am not responsible for that hangover. If so, I need to spend some more time with myself!

FTN - Are you thinking a two-disc, blueray edition? Would you pepper it with hidden Easter eggs? Would you package a re-tooled (heh!) special edition to cash in for the holidays?

Oh, and you ROCK the high-waisted, acid washed, pleated jeans. ROCK THEM.

Should I ever do my own video, might I borrow that guy who flips off the walls in your YouTube page?

Thank you.

Des - First, when you said that last entry, I was all "DESMOND! Get outta my head! How do you know what I'm gonna write about before I've gotten it down on screen?!" and then I thought "Desmond? Was that you on the other end of the phone?"

But, do you notice what I've *not* been using to apparently bait people this week? Yep. None of those.

Of course, now I look forward to the hits that will land here as people search for videotaping sex. Hello, all!

Friday, December 07, 2007 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

videotaped sex. i'm gonna start using that. "hon, should we watch some videotaped sex tonight?" it's so proper. i love it.

Friday, December 07, 2007 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Well, ya gotta be careful about making videotaped sex at home. Especially with the kids still living at home. It's scary when you take the tape out of the cover of Shrek and find Mommy Lovin' Daddy instead.

Friday, December 07, 2007 2:49:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

This made me laugh all morning long just thinking about it after I read it. I don't have a clever comment, it just made me laugh. Thank you for that!
Stacie

Friday, December 07, 2007 4:37:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i made a video tape once. i had no idea til it was over that he made it...but when i found out i set it on fire in the kitchen sink.

never again. well, unless you want me to then i might. but i have morals damnit.

Friday, December 07, 2007 5:02:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

oh yeah DKG I would totally make a video with you!
and mixing rum, wine, and vodka is what caused my hangover...then again, what's the office Christmas party for if you can't rock the hooker shoes and get embarrassingly drunk? hehehe

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:01:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I got nothing.... 'cept my lust for you....

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:37:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

LOL...too funny.

Friday, December 07, 2007 10:51:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

If I was going to do a sex tape I would do it like Paris....

Sheeesh, yah right, that girls got problems.....

Ok, so I do too, but not like her! lol

Friday, December 07, 2007 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger 2amsomewhere said...

Back in the mid 90s, photography publisher Amherst Media released a book titled Video Sex: Create Erotic & Romantic Home Videos With Your Camcorder. Maybe this was what he was looking for? It's out of print, BTW.

--
2amsomewhere
(No I don't have a copy of this book. So please don't e-mail me for it.)

Saturday, December 08, 2007 2:07:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

There is no such thing as good homemade porn - even if you have a book! Of course I should have listened to myself before I let Scott make the tape, but...

Saturday, December 08, 2007 2:35:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Niiiice. You left me with the mental image of a sharpie, snuggly nestled in your crack.

Sunday, December 09, 2007 3:52:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

you da mom - I bet if you courtesy when you request it, too, you'd get a lot of it. I'm going to try that part!

Phyllis - Oh, personally, I can think of nothing but bad things that would happen if this took place in my house. Or my husband would spend more time watching TV.

Stacie - No worries. You can just drop in and say anything, anytime!

kimmy - I think you and I would set the world ablaze with a video, hottie. Therefore, to spare the world, we should refrain. I know it will be hard, but I think we can hold out.

Unless you think we can't do it...unless you just want some of this too much. Then I'm gonna cave for you.

1blueshi1 - I've done such at some work parties. To the point that I was still at work the next day. Anymore I'm a cheap date. If we ever go out, can we take turns with the sexy shoes?

Savage - ...and that is good enough!

wethyb - ha! thanks!

choppzs - If I were going to do a video, I'd want it to be one of those "pop up" videos, with trivia and factoids about me. Perhaps some clever tips. That kind of thing. I think that would be hilarious. I'd probably watch that one regularly.

2am - Wish I could see the cover, because that may be the one he was looking for. I informed him he'd have to go out and look on a dealer network for it.

Mandy - Why, you little minx, you...

biscuit - Ha! At least you're not thinking of my ass with a head on it. Or are you?

Sunday, December 09, 2007 11:07:00 PM  

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