...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, November 19, 2007

so maybe. maybe not.

Last Thursday I planned to take a test. I’m not very good at tests. I panic a bit. I think I know everything and yet, when faced with the need to answer, I freeze. But this test was going to be easy and, in all honesty, I was looking forward to it with an anticipation that grew daily.

That anticipation was especially great last Sunday as I sat in church. I have a tough time concentrating in church as it is, but last Sunday was particularly hard. Everywhere I looked, I was face to face with the answers to the test I was anxious to take. I’d look to one side and spot one, then the other. That has to be a sign I’m going to do well, I convinced myself. But, for further assistance, I turned toward that which I used to always turn to at test time, and I bowed my head, closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed to pass.

On Tuesday, my test was cancelled, when, more than two weeks late, my period finally arrived and quashed the need tick two minutes off of my life in anticipation for something I know I want, and, sadly, think I must start accepting is never going to happen for me again.

Here’s where I tell you typing that sentence up there is tough, what with the tears that sneak up on me. Sure, they’re not long-lasting tears. I blink a few times, and PRESTO! They’re gone. They’ve had company, though. They join the ones that filled my eyes as I watched a baby find solace in the hollow of his mother’s neck and drift off into that instantaneous newborn sleep last Sunday at church, and they are familiar with the others that fell in the shower Tuesday morning as I pressed my forehead against the slippery walls and gave myself the quick acceptance pep talk.

In short, I wanted to be pregnant. To be even shorter, I’m not. This disappoints me more than I imagined it would. Probably because spending so much time imagining what it would be like to have a new baby in the house again prevented me from thinking about the real possibility I wasn’t going to be doing that.

Maybe not soon. Maybe not this coming year. Maybe the following. Maybe not ever.

There are a lot of maybes in whether or not my husband and I will have more children. Maybe I’ve had my opportunities and, my God, how I love them! I know I’m lucky to have had three opportunities to have had children, and from those, I was blessed with two really great sons. Maybe now, though, I have to start the slow acceptance process – the mourning process, really – of not being tested at this new motherhood thing ever again while we figure out the answers to the other tests the maybes present.

14 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

:( Hugs sweetness...such a bitter pill to swallow.

Monday, November 19, 2007 1:40:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Aw, so sorry. Those tests are nerve-racking, are they not? We had to take one of those a few weeks ago (what is this "we"? okay, my wife had to take one).

You are a great mom, though. Not that I would really KNOW, having never actually met you. But anyone that buys Costco hot dogs for her kids is nothing short of a magnificent mother.

Monday, November 19, 2007 8:57:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I'm so sorry, DKG. {{Hugs}}

But hey, just between you and me and the lamp-post, 40 ain't quite the 'midnight on the biological clock' that it might seem.

On Molly's 40th b-day, we were proud parents of six children. Today, we have eight. Molly was 41/45 when she was pregnant with our two youngest. Our doc told us that the average woman's fertility declines markedly after age 44. Silly me; I should have known that there's nothing remotely 'average' about my beloved.

And just for fun, within a year either side of our youngest's birth, half a dozen women among our circle of friends/acquaintances were pregnant at 44+.

I will say, tho, that 'geriatric maternity' (Molly's term) is not for wimps. . .

Anyway, if you really want another one (and I assume you and the Hubs are in agreement on this), I wouldn't necessarily think that it's a done deal just yet that you can't. . .

(And just between you and me and the other lamp-post, Molly's 51 and still getting regular visits from her aunt, so. . .)

Monday, November 19, 2007 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger D said...

I'm very sorry to hear that your hopes are not coming true.

Have you considered sharing your love with a child hoping to be adopted? (No...I don't read often enough to know if you've answered this before.) There are so many kids -- some infants, some a bit older -- who would feel fortunate to be your child.

Monday, November 19, 2007 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Keep practicin'. That's all you can do. Maybe practice more while standing on your head, or try practicing in the shower, or on the kitchen counter. Practice for your test anywhere you can...I wouldn't practice though in church cause well, from what I hear a lot of practicing goes on in places such as that-you know what I'm sayin? Thought that you would.

Now here comes the MA working in an OB/GYN office-have you seen your gyn lately? Maybe pay her/him a visit and get some "preconception" bloodwork done and just take a peek at how those little ovaries are doin'.

I am sorry though you're bummin'. I've been thinkin' about a little lovely for a while now, but then that whole lack of sleep and well...I need my sleep...

hugs to you my friend. Keep your chin and your legs up. {ha!}

Love ya.

Monday, November 19, 2007 5:47:00 PM  
Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

I'm sorry.

We have one baby, and lost one baby. Sometimes I think I want another one...sometimes I think I'm just missing the one who I should have.

I don't know how I feel about actively TTC again...but I know that when we were trying the first time, the days my period came were...sad. And then the period seemed to NEVER end...I just wanted to move on to trying another month.

...good luck....and hugs.

Monday, November 19, 2007 9:31:00 PM  
Blogger KiKi said...

Sending love and positive energy your way!!! my two best friends are 40 and 43... the 40 year old just had her first marriage last year and the 43 year old is expecting her first baby in February. So sending best wishes to you!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 5:58:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you...so sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that and can imagine how you're feeling.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

Hey, that sounds familiar! My test was cancelled also. (Although until after I'd whizzed on a couple of sticks just to be sure. There's $15 I'll never get back.)

{{Hugs}}. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I don't even want to say I'm sorry, cause I know after you hear that so many times you start to get sick of it. But you know what? I am, and I have felt that way too. After 3 1/2 yrs. of trying, we finally had Crazy. Then boom, we had Baby Boy. It's a roller coaster, and for a while there, I thought I would have to grasp the fact that we weren't going to get pregnant. It was sad, and sickening, and it made me want to puke. But like you said, you have been blessed in other ways. Those beautiful boys you have remind you that you are lucky in so many other ways! Hugs to you!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis Renée said...

Well, I can't even imagine how you feel. Loss, yes, I do understand that. But after I had my second I knew that was it and had to have a hysterictomy. But I want to cheer you up, so I will just second what kimmyk said in her last line :o)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1:19:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

My comments aren't sticking in blogland today...I left one this morning, but it's gone now. Hugs to you. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time. Hugs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - It's a pill I think gets bigger the longer the decision/option hangs out.

FTN - The fact I totally corrupt my childrens' digestive systems wtih Costco hot dogs is reason number 1 I should be so lucky as to have another child!

Though honestly, I've sworn off those things. They've irritated me one too many times to give them the benefit of the doubt again!

Desmond - Geriatric maternity! I love it. I think, though, if I call it that to my husband, he'd totally say hell no to anymore!

d - Thanks for visiting again, and for your comment. At this point, adopting isn't an idea we've discussed yet. We're still in that whole "do we want another child/if we have another child" summit meeting, so we're seeing where that leads. I totally agree with you, though, that it's a beneficial option to consider should we get to that.

Kimmy - Your comment reminds me that I have to do that little doctor visit thing soon. Good times. In our discussions, the whole "sleep versus lack of sleep" thing is a point being made. Not by me, though. See, I pretended I never heard the babies crying, so for me, it's no big deal!

Lainey - I understand exactly what you're saying. I lost one between the boys and I sometimes wonder if my desire is a projection on what "should" have been my family. Tough decisions, though, regardless.

kiki - Thank you for the visit, the comment and the wishes. Hope you'll drop in again sometime!

1blueshi1 - Thank you, sweetie.

Melissa - Thank you, too!

Taja - When I got pregnant with my oldest, I whizzed on a ton of sticks, all came back negative. I was totally pregnant. But damn, that's a lot of wasted money I can relate to!

Choppzs - The blessing I have in those two boys are amazing. As frustrating as they can be some days, I'm madly in love with them, so I know however this may work out, I've been truly lucky in life.

Phyllis - I'm a big fan of the whole legs up thing! That suggestion is duly noted!

Stacie - Thank you, my friend...

Sunday, November 25, 2007 10:44:00 PM  

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