...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

i hope we can still be friends, though...

I imagine from time to time, some of you experience a strong desire to ask me on a date. We've formed a really great relationship from the comfortable barriers of our computers, but now you think it's time to take things to the next level, so one day you give yourself a little pep talk, maybe jot down a few thoughts that are equal parts witty and charming on a piece of scratch paper to help you figure out what you're going to say when you finally decide to take the plunge. I completely understand, and I want you to know that I absolutely appreciate your interest.

However, before you go to all that effort, I feel I should tell you it's impossible for me to date you. Oh, rest assured, it's not because I don't like you! I would absolutely go on a date with all of you! Not at the same time though, because I'm not really into that kind of thing. No, believe me. It's not you. It's me! For one, I'm married! I know, I know! All I can say is where were you between November 1992 and November 1993? You could've had me!

The second reason I can't date you? Well, my Saturdays are pretty much booked for the foreseeable future with this:

In case you can't see what that is, it's my DirecTV on-screen guide with Saturday's premiere of the Jonas Brothers' television show set to record at 7 p.m. If you look even more closely, you'll see it's set to record for the season. Yep. That, my computer paramours, is what I, your dream girl, will be doing Saturday night. Of course, when I say 'doing' I mean 'watching,' but, well, you know... Do I expect greatness? No. Do I anticipate cringing at least 15 times during the 30 minute program? Yes. Will I marvel at the scant bit of Joe's chest hair I've noticed when commercials for the show aired this morning. No comment.

Maybe we can go out on Friday night dates. Sure, I'll still be married, but I'm usually not doing anything on Friday nights. That's if I've not scared you off completely. Did you notice that the little screen-in-screen in the above photo is from this week's episode of The Office? Combine that with the fact I think you're all so very cute and you know I actually do have some sense of good taste!

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In addition to my good taste, I'm also quite a looker. Or something like that. According to my young son, I'm apparently far younger than my 41 years could potentially lead you to believe. As my youngest son and I ventured to the bus stop this morning, he looked up at me and declared me much younger than his music teacher. "Honey, that's very sweet of you, but your music teacher can't even be 30 yet, so Mommy's a bit (a bit -ha!) older than her." I replied. "But you don't look as old as she does!" he said. "She looks a lot older than you!" I encouraged him to go on, his words a much needed compliment in light of a recent horrible haircut and an undying zit on my chin. Later in the day, I visited my son's school for a music program, and met the infamous young, but old music teacher, and damn if my kid wasn't just trying to butter me up! I do look far younger than she does! My delight was short lived, though, when, after thirty minutes spent watching some of the kids she attempts to teach every day, I realized she's clearly earned every wrinkle, and that while she may not have an undying zit, there's no way I could do what she does every day.

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When I returned home from the elementary school, my oldest son immediately ambushed me at the door and informed me I had to thoroughly wash my hands. "In case you haven't heard, there's an outbreak of the swan flu going around!" he enthused. While I've not yet heard the news today to know if this is a potentially new pandemic, I imagine symptoms of the swan flu include feeling like a fairy tale princess and/or overhearing people whispering about what an ugly little duckling you are. Based on my horrible haircut and undying zit, I'm pretty sure I have a raging case of the swan flu, and now there are three reasons why I can't date you!

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Speaking of my charming older son, he's been assigned to make a balloon-powered vehicle for science class next week. Tomorrow, he has to take a prototype to school, and yeah! He informed me of that about 15 minutes before his bedtime tonight. Normally, he works on these types of projects with Tool Man's assistance, but as luck would have it, Tool Man isn't home. This left my son and I staring at each other, deflated as his non-existent balloon-powered vehicle. "If Dad was here, he'd know what to do" he muttered. "Listen, according to your brother, I may look young, but I'm not clueless!" I replied. "Yeah, but you're not a buildy, worky type person like Dad," my son said. Clearly the kid has never seen his Dad's caulk jobs (which I'd link to, and you know I would, but that caulk is all over the place already)(literally). As you might imagine, my son's implication that I am neither buildy or worky compelled me to declare game on, and I immediately took to the Internet for ideas. Thank you, sweet baby Internet! In less than 30 minutes, we transformed drinking straws, wooden skewers (I knew one day the 2,000-plus wooden skewers I've had for the last 13 years would come in handy!), duct tape, an empty pop bottle and four pop bottle lids into this:

Not to toot my own horn too much, but I think this shows I'm not just bookish, my friends.

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It should be noted that to help build this balloon-powered vehicle (which I hope works because while I may own more than 2,000 wooden skewers, I don't have balloons in the house to test this with), I downed four large bottles of Diet Mountain Dew after 9 p.m., including one in the delicious Code Red variety. Suffice to say, I'm a wee bit hopped up. If we were in a dating relationship, this is when you'd probably be able to take advantage of me because I'm just that easy after a few drinks, and that Code Red packs a punch. But alas, no dates.

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Comment responses. Oh, they're still coming back sometime. So are the two tags I've recently been given. For now, I need to go work off some of this pop and call it another lonely day. Oh! One more reason why it's probably best we don't date. This post? SUPER RAMBLY! Proves that if we did go out, I'd be sitting across the table from you going on and on and on about myself while you pushed your dinner around with your fork, then used my brief pause to excuse yourself to the bathroom so you could sneak out on me. Well, let me do that for you instead. Seriously. I just drank triple-digit ounces of Diet Mountain Dew. I really, really, really need to go to the bathroom.

Labels:

39 Comments:

Anonymous EarnestGirl said...

Funny, clever post. I liked the pop-fueled ramblings and was not pushing my food around at all.
Swan flu is fabulous - am listing mental symptoms right now (including irresistible urges to bite apples, couple with deities, burst into spontaneous verse)
Also: be glad you have boys. A girl would have told you to cover up the zit and that by the way? your haircut is embarrassing.
& your Dew-kart is brilliant.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Dammit. I was going to ask you out for Saturday.

Friday, May 01, 2009 12:19:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Thank the Lord for the internets when it comes to school projects. And do they REALLY expect the kids to drill holes in plastic, etc. to make these projects. You know all those things are going to be parent-made.

Friday, May 01, 2009 5:41:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Someone get me a tranq dart.

Friday, May 01, 2009 6:44:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I am in Iowa as I type this.... I got 5 or 6 days.
I'm not gonna ask you out but I'm still gonna lust you.

Friday, May 01, 2009 6:46:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Ah, you, at your rambly best. I would totally date you. But not on Wednesdays. Shemar Moore and I have an on-going thing that night.

Friday, May 01, 2009 7:22:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

That balloon-powered vehicle looks very similar to a gravity bong I built in college.

Mine didn't have wheels though.

It've been allot cooler if it did.

Friday, May 01, 2009 7:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Yesterday my dvr... I can't say it. It's too hard.
PS Where's the glitter?

Friday, May 01, 2009 8:36:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Swan flu sounds simply beautiful and I want it (assuming I don't fall into that ugly duckling category, in which case, I'll pass). I think swan flu sounds like everyone becomes beautiful and graceful! Maybe tutus are even involved, at least if we are going to Swan Lake with our swan flus!

Friday, May 01, 2009 8:36:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

chest hair? on a jonas brother? WHAT?

although, now that i think about, eyebrows is most definitely the hairy one. heh.

Friday, May 01, 2009 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, there go my plans of asking you out on a Saturday night. Oh well, looks like I'll just continue to read your blog and admire you from afar.

Also, I have a diet mountain dew habit myself, so if you need any extra bottles, let me know, I've got about forty of them floating around my car.

Friday, May 01, 2009 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

I adore what an unmitigated, equal opportunity, yet well-intentioned flirt you are.

Think you really ought to encourage that sort of behavior in your son; they are never too young to learn that each and every woman is to be told how comparatively young she looks.

Yours in Swan Flu (31 years running),
Mel

PS - You may be swaying me on this Jonas matter. The one with the obviously flat-ironed hair? Despite the styling issues, not-so-bad . . .

Friday, May 01, 2009 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Thank you for reminding me to tape the Jonas Bros... Technically it's for the girls, but you know I'll be right there with 'em :)

Just make sure you take appropriate measure before you get all comfy on the couch -- that swan flu is NASTY stuff !

Friday, May 01, 2009 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Swan flu over the cuckoo's nest. . .

And, lessee, between Nov92-Nov93, I was adjusting to our fifth child. Which would've been a really bad time for me to be stepping out on Molly. . .

;)

WordVer - 'winarrea'; which seems suggestive of something or other, I just don't know what. . .

Friday, May 01, 2009 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Eldest was once bitten by a swam...oh...oh, dear. This may explain a LOT.

Friday, May 01, 2009 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Buildy. Worky. I love you long time!

Friday, May 01, 2009 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You're practically MacGuyver. That is so totally HOT!

Friday, May 01, 2009 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

I too have a package of 2000 skewers that I've moved to at least 3 different houses. I think we used them to bbq two shrimp 7 years ago and I've been saddled with them ever since.

I was actually going to ask Seth out. Is that OK?

AND - after TIVOing the Jonas Bros show on the Disney channel you are never to mock me re: Twilight ever again. ;)

Friday, May 01, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Forget dinner. I just want to have drinks with you (and Seth).

Friday, May 01, 2009 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

After reading that I feel a bit hopped up and rambly myself! See what you do to us?!

I'm totally impressed with your creation - I hope it works!

Friday, May 01, 2009 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Could've sworn that was a bong ...

Friday, May 01, 2009 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

Only 41? Just barely legal as far as i am concerned.
Sorry my life seems taken up by my adventure.

Friday, May 01, 2009 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

There is a spot on the couch reserved for you -right in between my 5 and 9 year old - to watch the Jonas Bros.

LOL!

Friday, May 01, 2009 2:22:00 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Now, fadkog, you know I love you. I would totally date you. But...Jonas brothers? come on, now. We dealt with your obsession, but this is getting extreme.

The balloon car is pretty cool, but I would have taken off the Mtn. Dew label, just because now the teacher is going to think you are some kind of meth addict/speed freak trying to stay hopped up after rehab.

Or, maybe that's just me...

T.

Friday, May 01, 2009 4:33:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

41? I thought you were 14.

Friday, May 01, 2009 4:36:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Holy mass quantities of Mountain Dew late at night, Batman! I could guarantee you I would not sleep for a week. Although, the yumminess that is Mountain Dew might just be worth it...

Friday, May 01, 2009 5:37:00 PM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Ah, the dreaded swan flu... It's a killer.

Friday, May 01, 2009 6:19:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

Cool! I'll send my daughter over to your house on Saturday nights so I don't have to watch that crap.

Friday, May 01, 2009 8:12:00 PM  
Blogger musingwoman said...

Can you believe I'd never heard the Jonas brothers till five minutes ago?

Friday, May 01, 2009 8:46:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

well i'd date you because you're young looking and cute and can build one seriously impressive balloon powered soda bottle car with your mad macguyver skillz but see here, i like people who are chromosomally inclined to grow more chest hair than you are (well, and even those the jonas brother are chromosomally inclined they seem preternaturally hairless for folks possessing an XY pair...crimony, i have more hair on my upper lip than they have on their chests....dangit, guess i just killed my own dating chances, huh? someone pass me the nair upper lip creme already would ya!)

Friday, May 01, 2009 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Bee's Niece:
Tia Bee, I don't know how to tell you this but I think I'm begining to like the Jonas Brothers.

Bee:
... !!! ...

Bee's Niece:
But only a little bit okay? Maybe just one song.

Bee:
... ... [THUMP!]

Friday, May 01, 2009 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

I am impressed with your "vehicle"-no way would I have figured that out! NO WAY! hmmmm bookish and handy- what a good catch!

Saturday, May 02, 2009 7:23:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Dude. I thought you were in love with me. And me alone. You stinking harlot!

If you're gonna cheat on me, dude, does it have to be with the JONAS freaking BROTHERS? That's as offensive as when I walked in on my high school boyfriend with a girl who looked like a transvestite.

Saturday, May 02, 2009 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

that is SLAMMIN. my fifth grader is doing something with soda bottles, too, but this looks FAR cooler.

Saturday, May 02, 2009 3:04:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Shoot, my Fridays are reserved for TLC reruns. We could have been beautiful together.

Saturday, May 02, 2009 4:20:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Can your son stop by and see me right quick as I could use someone like him around here being I'm feeling pretty old right now.

Saturday, May 02, 2009 6:08:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

The effectiveness of the balloon vehicle will depend on what you fill the balloon with. You could try using Mountain Dew

Sunday, May 03, 2009 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger Nenette AM said...

OMG, girlie-friend, I was going to get you to post your hottie boyfriends on my Freebie 5 post, but I think yours will just look like this:

1. Joe
2. Joe
3. Joe
4. Nick or Kevin
5. Kevin or Nick

Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?

Sunday, May 03, 2009 3:26:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

If you were my date, I'd let you have as much Jonas brothers and mountain Dew you could ever want.

Thursday, May 07, 2009 2:25:00 PM  

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