...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

toot, toot, hey, beep, beep

So last night I was enjoying yet another slow night at the bookstore - where for the duration of summer break, I get to be out mingling among the grown ups on the sales floor and not penned in the children's department, so can I get an amen? - when I decided to head to the break room to enjoy a few minutes with my delicious Diet Mountain Dew and the latest copy of People. Because I enjoy perusing the fine literature which surrounds me.

Anyway, I'm walking, walking, walking with my head down and my swingy name tag, the one that, when I'm wearing it, prompts people to ask, "Hey, do you work here?", when a coworker came peeling around the corner from the cafe and says she'd love to join me on my break, which was weird because I don't recall asking, "Hey, would you love to join me on my break? And do you think I use the words 'hey' and 'anyway' too much when I write? What about 'so'?"

So my coworker falls in line in front of me and we continue our toe-gazing march toward the break room when she suddenly comes to a screeching halt in front of me to bend down and pick up a book that had fallen off the children's octagon. Because I was admiring my super sexy black Reeboks instead of keeping an eye on the horizon, her sudden halt nearly caused me to leapfrog her. In fact, as I bounced off her rump, I was sure casual passersby would recoil in fear, slap their hands over their children's eyes, and tsk, tsk us, thinking they'd stumbled upon some bizarro bibliophile porn,

Anyway, it was while my coworker was in the deepest throws of her downward spiral, just as I stumbled back a step after bouncing off her ass, that she expelled a giant fart balloon. The kind that I normally only hear within the confines of my own home because hi, I live with penis-bearing creatures who rate their expulsions, thank you, and I know when I've been rendered speechless, and this one? This one, from this demure older woman, killed me and then I rose from the dead like the zombies I love and, like I zombie, I couldn't speak. I could only make random grunts. I also couldn't move away from her very fast. Damn zombies!

So my coworker, propelled by the hydraulic release of air from her ass, rose up, looked over her shoulder at me, and, with delight...let me repeat that: WITH DELIGHT!!...says, "Heh! Oh, yeah! I gotta go take care of business soon!"

And that? That pretty much summed up my day yesterday. Crappy and close to exploding.

My friends, sometimes you're the farter and sometimes you're the one who gets farted upon. Sometimes you'll end up taking your People magazine outside instead to read by the dying light, and sometimes you'll be stuck humming the hit(s) of Bachman Turner Overdrive the rest of the night (and if you hear a whistle up above - or directly in front of you - and people pushing, people shoving, I suggest you back the hell up post haste) while shelving self-help books, wondering when someone is going to write one for you.

Mark my words.

Just try not to mark your underwear.

Labels:

54 Comments:

Blogger Cameron said...

I love giant fart balloons!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Your words are usually a breath of fresh air. But not so much this time.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:52:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm entranced by the image of your coworker suddenly "propelled by hydraulic release" — as if some methane-fueled turbo engine buried deep in the recesses of her lower intestine had abruptly kicked into gear, and launched her into low orbit.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 10:01:00 AM  
Anonymous A Vapid Blonde said...

I love that she was all proud and delighted with herself...I would have been mortified. I can just see you beeing propelled backwords by the exploding fart balloon leaving a swirly cartoon clound in your wake!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Wow, I have NEVER been delighted to pass gas on someone. EVER. And I grew up with four older brothers who often chased me down and farted on me and I STILL didn't retaliate. Holy crap.

I guess the other option for her would've been to curl up in a ball of embarassment (my choice) but you do what you gotta do.

Hope your day today is better and fart balloon free.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

"I gotta go take care of business soon!"

That, my friend, is the very definition of TMI. . .

Fart on me, if you must, but I do not, repeat, do not want to be reminded of the 'root causes' of said flatulation. . . Reminds me too much of a guy I used to work with, who without fail, whenever someone would belch and/or fart, would chime in with, "Didja get any on ya?"

Thursday, June 11, 2009 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

I've been staring at the little blinking curser for a couple of minutes now, trying to come up with some sort of witty, coherent comment that summarizes my thoughts on being fart bombed by a coworker. I'm reaching deep but can't come up with anything. Truly, I am speechless.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger TentCamper said...

I thought the story was going somewhere ...a bit kinky...but a giant fart? NICE!!!! I would have pretended to pass out. that being said..someone should talk to her ..she can't be prissy AND let out monsters like that!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Okay, I haven't even read this yet, but I just have to tell you that I have that Donna Summer album on vinyl.

Nice work on the title there!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Ah, nice.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

That was HILARIOUS!

You shouls come stay with me in my girly house 'o pink. I'll have you craving your penis-bearing, fart-making creatures in no time :)

I can't believe her. I think it's spelled klassy. With a capital K.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Only you could wax poetic (gastric?) about a fart balloon, FADKOG. Some of the most, er, colorful people I've met are my former bookstore colleagues. Thankfully none of them actually tooted on or at me, to my knowledge, but we tend to be a different lot (present company excluded).

I'm trying to imagine a world in which I not only fess up to a fart, but I smugly own it and foretell dire gastrointestinal wonders to come. I'm failing.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

That is unbelievably gross. Might you steer her in the direction of the Emily Post section?

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Would you be willing to link to my raffle? I need to spread the word and I know you have a large following.

http://www.firstgiving.com/hallietwomey

I would really appreciate it!!
Hallie

Thursday, June 11, 2009 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Oh my lord, that is really classic. And gross. And hilarious.

At least you no longer needed to worry about what you were going to blog about today!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

that was sooooooooo funny! when i am in an embarrassing situation, i laugh (to disguise the tears) and if that were me, i would've needed help off the floor from laughing so hard!

i love the rainbow background in their video.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 1:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Eeew! "Talkin' 'bout those bad bad girls..."
So sorry.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I made a rare visit to a bookshop yesterday (to buy a gift), and I'm now trying, with great difficulty, to imagine the very prim and proper sales assistant who served me letting rip...

Thursday, June 11, 2009 2:09:00 PM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

Oh good lord. That is seriously hilarious.

Thanks, I definitely needed a laugh today. Thanks for taking one for the team.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 2:18:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

Sounds (maybe smell also), Hmmm, like a difficult day!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 2:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

I would die of shame if that were me and yet the old ladies I work with go around crop dusting all the g-d day. They are almost like those room fresheners that expel perfume every so often but they are the room fresheners from hell. My Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence torment me so. :o(

Thursday, June 11, 2009 4:07:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I love how she "blew" that off!

Speaking of zombies, have you heard about the zombie rendition of Pride and Prejudice? Apparently it's been #4 on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Perhaps it's time you pick that one up for your Mountain Dew break!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 5:17:00 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I have a co-worker that can't control his gas. He thinks it's no big deal. Being embarrassed is everyone elses hang up.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 6:00:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

BTO rules!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 6:37:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I, too, live with penis-bearing creatures. With that said, I shall now share (they make me oh so proud, my boys) some of the wonderful phrases that bounce off our walls...

Speak oh toothless one.

Nope, not fully croisoned yet.

It's prairie dogging.

Check out my anal volcano.

And of course, the classic- pull my finger.

It's phrases like this that make a mother (and a wife) oh so very proud.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 8:52:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

I love your co-worker for owning up to her stench. I chastise Cameron openly for the "Check out my anal volcano" comment. Honestly, where does he get these things?

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:00:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

Whoops! It looks like it was Chasity said these things. Luckily it's knowledge she skimmed from her boys. They probably heard it from Cameron though.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:01:00 PM  
Blogger Qaro said...

I found you via TwoBusy. You're hilarious! (Sorry about your day.)

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:28:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I'd have died if that were me, I mean your co-worker and well, you too, or at least I'd have fainted. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my people mag too but I've got a Diet Coke with me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 9:59:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

my 12 year old son is a fart machine. I get this.

Thursday, June 11, 2009 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

You paint such a vivid picture. It's like I was there, and yet, thank god, I wasn't.

May your underwear stay unmarked. Mine is a little damp, but only because I'm eleventy months pregnant and you made me laugh.

Friday, June 12, 2009 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

LOL. Sadly, I know far too much about the velocity and numerosity of male expulsions and accompanying male frivolity.

Keep your chin up (or should I say down?), girlfriend.

Friday, June 12, 2009 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

hahahahahah-Interesing comeback she made!!! I dont know what I'd do in this situation......

Friday, June 12, 2009 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I just got yer BTO reference.

Yeef. (that it took me so long)

And Yeesh. (you've ruined the phrase, 'takin' care of business' for me for the next week or so. . .)

And my boys have been known to make reference to 'turtle heads', in a manner similar to what I take Chasity's 'prairie dogging' bit to mean. . .

Friday, June 12, 2009 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

I'm trying to work out if you were the Victim of a First Rate "crop dusting".

Sounds more like a Kamikaze Attack to me.

I dunno. This is one of the most bizarre "crop dusting" cases I've ever heard of.

Clever and Balls-y. But, bizarre.

Friday, June 12, 2009 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I am laughing so hard I have tears! That scene in my head...priceless.

Friday, June 12, 2009 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

OMG, I would have burst out laughing, being an adult when it comes to things like this, and then waved my hands in front of my face! This is so funny! And embarrassing for her! It's bad enough you had to bounce off her butt, making it look like you both should have been in the erotica section, but to be farted on? That just adds insult to injury!

Friday, June 12, 2009 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Could this whole farter/fart-ee thing be related to the glass half full /half empty concept?

discuss amongst yourselves

Friday, June 12, 2009 7:18:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

The puppy is p*ssed because I'm laughing...silently...so hard that I'm shaking the whole couch. But at least I didn't fart, right?

Friday, June 12, 2009 10:11:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Good for her embracing the horror of the moment...but sorry, that's horrible and I would die a thousand deaths if that happened to me at work. And now that I've jinxed myself - it absolutely will... You will not read about it on my blog though.

And "bibliophile porn" is great. They say there's something for everyone in that curtained off room at the video store...

Friday, June 12, 2009 10:17:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm pretty sure worker's compensation covers being farted on. You should have gone home with pay. For several days. For antimicrobial treatments. Which I think is accomplished with wine.

Friday, June 12, 2009 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger Lola said...

Oh my, I'm laughing so hard tears are coming out of my eyes.

Being treated to a leapfrog and a fart balloon within moments, what does she do for an encore?

Saturday, June 13, 2009 12:11:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I laughed so hard I tooted a little. You paint the perfect picture of a "brown air" moment (as Mr. Sweetypants calls it) so well that I can only imagine the look on your face as you were minding your own business, looking forward to the delicious moment that is a break with a People magazine, and were greeted with a fart balloon.

Speaking of Mr. Sweetypants, we used to politely excuse ourselves to go to the loo when we were dating. Now, we announce, "You might not want to come in here," quite regularly. What can I say, I'm old and I'm gassy and I LOVE your blog.

Saturday, June 13, 2009 6:18:00 PM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

Hilarious! Reminds of the time that I was making a beeline for the ladies' room when one of the directors pulled me into a conference room for a chat. Five minutes later, he said, "I hope I wasn't keeping you from anything." At which point I stood up, and said, "Yes, I have to go poop now."

Totally destroyed his image of me. I loved every second of it!

Saturday, June 13, 2009 8:30:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Fuckin' A, man. Best advice ever.

Saturday, June 13, 2009 11:38:00 PM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

We have all had a little racing stripe moment in our lives.

I usually just look around and ask, "Who just stepped on a frog?"

Sunday, June 14, 2009 7:03:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

ROFLMFAO

Sunday, June 14, 2009 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

It's been a crappy week (health-wise), but that actually put a smile on my face.

Sunday, June 14, 2009 7:55:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

I don't get people who fart in public. Or people who announce "You don't want to go in there for awhile!" after they visit your bathroom.

I'm no prude. But poo and farts are only funny if I do it. I mean them.

Sunday, June 14, 2009 10:00:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

That made my morning. Thanks!

Monday, June 15, 2009 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

ewwwww!

Monday, June 15, 2009 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger Mimi Lenox said...

Bookstores are wonderful except when they're not. OK. I'll try not to mark my underwear. Taking notes...

Monday, June 15, 2009 2:17:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

OK we interrupt this broadcast to let you know I just received the new JoBro CD in the mail! I ordered it from the fan club, and I guess I got it a day early!

A little nervous/non plussed about the Miley Cyrus song on there. Go away, Hannah Montanna. Ickness.

Wait until you see the photos they took for the inside. Joe... and a horse...

It's all just too much ;)

Monday, June 15, 2009 5:09:00 PM  
Blogger Cretin said...

omfg.. This was great. I need to remember that "I gotta go take care of business soon!". Most excellent.

Monday, June 15, 2009 10:50:00 PM  

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