...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

'if there be any truer measure of a man...'

The assignment - Measure, in centimeters, something you love and draw a picture of it.

"Oh! I know what I'll measure!" cheers the 7 year old boy, ripping the red plastic ruler from the junk drawer and running upstairs.

"Take your time and measure very carefully!" reminds the always helpful Mom, imagining her son taking precise calculations for a scale model drawing of a Star Wars action figure or Lego car.

"I've got it!" cheers the 7 year old boy once again, bounding down the stairs, prepared to draw.

"OK, I'm done!" cheers (again)(for he is always cheery) the 7 year old boy. "Mom! Look what I measured! Can you guess what it is?"

The Mom, turning from her pot of perfect spaghetti sauce, takes one glance at her son's worksheet and thinks, "Yeah! Blog fodder!! Oh, thank you, thank you, sweet Gods of Homework!" She then smiles at her son and says, "Hey there, love! Looks like you found something pretty interesting to draw! I think we should call Dad in here and see if he can guess what it is, too!"

"Wait!" cries the 7 year old boy. "Before we do, I need to fix it. It's too small! I need to make it bigger!"

"That's what they all say," says the Mom as she watches the boy slash through the orb that had once been a zero and editing his work to insert a 2 in its place.

"Hey there, boy!" greets the Dad. "What did you measu....Oh, hahahaha. Um, HEY! WHAT IS THAT!?"

"I will give you clues!" says the helpful 7 year old boy. "See if you can guess what it is as I write down the letters!"

The 7 year old boy writes. P...E...

"Oh! Hmmm...." ponders the Dad. "Hey, son? Is this homework you'll actually be turning into your teacher?"

"HAHAHA!!" laughs the Mom, pausing briefly from her fit of laughter to remind the Dad that the 7 year old boy's teacher is named Mrs. Wood.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laugh the Mom and the Dad.

The 7 year old boy writes some more. "Have you guessed yet?" he asks while putting the finishing touches on a softly sloping lowercase N...

"Well, I have some ideas," say the Mom and the Dad in unison, pausing briefly to marvel at how in sync they are that they said the same thing at the same time, thus causing them to ignore the 7 year old boy for a few seconds and commence in some fist bumping and the Mom saying, "Now you have to buy me a Coke!" and the Dad saying, "What?" and the Mom saying, "Are you kidding me?" and the Dad saying, "I don't know what you're talking about!" and the Mom asking, "You seriously don't know the rules of jinx? Next you're probably going to tell me the words 'slug bug' mean nothing to you, either" and the 7 year old boy to finally interrupt by crying out, "Hey! I'm talkin' here!"


The Mom and the Dad turned back to the 7 year old, prepared to tell the child how clever they thought he was, but that it might not be a good idea to combine his math homework with what was looking hauntingly like a biology lesson when they noticed he'd stopped writing.

"Can you guess what it is?" quizzes the 7 year old boy.

"Yeah! It's a pen!" cry the Mom and the Dad, relief and glee washing over their faces.

Homework complete, the 7 year old boy jumps down from his bar stool and puts his ruler AND his pen away without the Mom needing to remind him. Such a good boy, that 7 year old boy!

Left alone to marvel at how smart their son is, the Mom and the Dad marvel at how smart their son is. Then the Mom turns to the Dad, smiles, and suggests he brace himself for the remarks that are to follow.

"Are you ready?" the Mom asks the Dad, who shrugs, knowing that no matter what he says, the Mom NEEDS to get what follows out of her system.

"I guess what they say is true. The pen IS mightier than the sword!" she cheers. "Get it? Get it? The pen IS? The PEN IS? The PENIS?!"

Realizing she may be pushing her luck for she already presented a classic, the Mom went for another. "I guess that other thing they say is also true. It's not the size of your pen that matters, it's what you write with it that really counts!"

"Are you done now?" inquires the Dad.

"Close," responds the Mom. "But first, maybe you should give me your autograph. You'll need a pen for that. Wink, wink."

"Be sure to call me back here when dinner's ready," sighs the Dad.

"I'll make a note of it!" says the Mom. "I'll need something to write that down with. Hey! Is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

The Mom then went on and on with the veiled penis jokes ("I could go on all night! I haven't even touched on the ink portion of the comedy!") because that's just the kind of person she is. The Boy went on to get smiley face sticker on his homework courtesy of Mrs. Wood. And the Dad? The Dad still owes the Mom a Coke, though he may have written her an I.O.U. Heh...



Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, hold on, let me try to stop laughing. That's absolutely brilliant. I think that's genius. And I love how you saw it and thought BLOG!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

See there is a God. Just when you think blog fodder is running thin a jewel like this falls right in your lap!

PS-Please tell me his teachers name isn't really Mrs. Wood.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

At P-E, I'm asking myself, Is he gonna go 'peter', or 'pecker', instead of the obvious 'biological' term? And when you told me the teacher's name was Mrs. Wood, I was all, Oh - 'pecker' for sure. . .

I'm also the least bit bemused that he drew his pen with a head on it. . .

But, uh. . . in line with yer last line of humor. . . does that make you the ink well?

Thanks, I'll be here all week. . .

PS - I thought yer inner 14-year-old was named Seth, but you go all Simon in yer label. . .

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

That is HILARIOUS! Thank you.
It's nice to share the wonder that is raising boys with someone.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger Margarita said...

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!! You should keep that until he's like 20 years old. And show him. He'll think of what you're thinking of for sure. HILARIOUS!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

I'm having flashbacks to helping my wife fill out a medical form for one of our daughters last year.

Her: "How do you spell penicillin?"

Me: "P-E-N..."

Her: "Yeah..."

Me: "I-S..."

Her: (waiting for me to offer the next letter for 10secs, then looking down and realizing what she just wrote on our preschool form)

Her: "You. Suck."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

I was thinking pen all along, what is your problem?

I had one of these moments with my daughter when she cut a vase out of brown construction paper one day.

Until the flowers were in it was sure it was a nice set.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

A teacher is just asking for trouble with an assignment like that.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Too funny; but outstanding blog-fodder! Be sure that I.O.U. isn't written in disappearing ink though- unless, of course, you have him repeat it. hmmm.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...


Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

That WAS a gift.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Dear Lord, what teacher is going to look at that drawing and think it resembles a PEN?
But yeah, my son used to measure his stuff, for real.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I think I "know" that pen!

Hallie :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, and as re the measuring of junk and stuff, I was taught that it is most unwise to ask questions the answers to which you don't want to know. . .

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

That is over the top hilarious!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Long. Enough. To. Comment.

*deep breath*

That "pen" looks awfully familiar. My husband keeps one just like it tucked away at all times.

P.S. I slug bugged my hy hubs yesterday. It was glorious.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Beautiful! Between your penis and my boobs we've got quite the anatomy thing going on in the blogosphere!

And you with the penis jokes! Have you ever considered stand-up? I'd come cheer you on ;)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

My school headmaster's name was Mr. Woodcock. The HEADMASTER! Just thought I'd add this to the highbrow discussion.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger kristi said...

I was thinking, "DAMN! And he's 7?" My son's is no bigger than a tic tac.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 12:26:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

my dear, given the conversation i shared from my son today i think you and i would get along famously well. we might not ever want our sons to meet...but then again....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

You must be so proud...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

lol, I can't wait for that stuff to start!! lol

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 1:04:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Z'Oh Mah Gawd, grrl, you are TOO funny! maybe you should put that one up on the refrigerator...? hehehe

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 1:20:00 PM  
Blogger msprimadonna67 said...

I am laughing out loud--you crack me up!! This is classic--you're going to love re-telling this story when he's a few years older.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 1:22:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I can't even imagine... I would die laughing. That is SOME pen!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

You made me laugh so hard that I forgot to keep my feet in the air.

It does TOO make sense! A big ass jumpy thing fell out of my blanket when I lay down to take a nap, and it hopped right under my chair. And I vowed to never put my feet on the floor EVER again, but you made me forget.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 3:05:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...


That is so totally awesome...I'm sure that the picture will end up floating around on the internet and turn into a sensation of sorts. Thanks for the laugh. Reminds me of when my son turned in his homework and it looked like he said the weather was "shitty". The teacher didn't think it was very funny though!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 4:00:00 PM  
Blogger badassdad05 said...

Dude that is the nastiest looking pen I think I've ever seen. If boy were a few years older he'd realize his pen looks like a vibrator and the whole thing would take on new meaning. Very nice.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 4:32:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy K said...

I love it...I cannot wait to get that pic in a forwarded email :-)It has classic written all over it.
I actually may start the photo forward chain right now, ha!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 4:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

Quite possibly the best post ever.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

That was so good, I feel like I'm detracting from it by even commenting. But I couldn't help but wonder . . . where did he get that PEN?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:21:00 PM  
Blogger shay said...

mwhaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa!!!
sorry. I'm just dropping by from Becky's blog and had to leave a note.
Your son IS a genius and there's nothing like a good penis joke lol.

And in other news...you were hawt at prom lmao! Sorry. none of us were. It's a sad fact!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:10:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

hahahahhahahahhahaha omg tooo funny! *grins*

my darling daughter drew a picture of a stick man for my grandmother when she was 4.

an anatomically way-out-of- proportion stick man.

yup, explaining that was fun!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:39:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

HeHe- too funny. Your son is quite the abstract artist. He could make some money, I think, or design his own Rorschach Tests...

And slug bug blue, no hit backs.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:45:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

And at first I thought he found the little "mr. happy" from your bedside table drawer....oh wait, that's MY bedside table drawer. Never mind. cute story.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger The Gonzo Mama said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 8:29:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I was totally on the edge of my seat with that one. And you had me crackin up...your poor hubby-he can't hang. Bless his heart. He tries but fails.

His teachers name is Mrs Wood? You totally could got somethin' out of that too!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 8:41:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

This makes me really look forward to 7yr old homework! Only a year to go before I can polish off my penis jokes.

Totally love it!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:05:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I once heard of a little girl bringing her mother's cigarettes for show and tell.

This is hilarious

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Avapidblonde said...

I am such doofus, I kept thing 10 inches, my god what this poor women is in for once he reaches puberty...
Too funny!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:34:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

typing fr9m the floorrrr...
laughing so hard!

That was insane. The part about the, "not about the size of the pen, but what it can write?" seriously? I'm going to use that when i become an English teacher, and I will! 1.*


*that was a lame footnote attempt. no proper font for such.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:44:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Have your kids been hanging around my house again?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA OMG! I have to pee now! hahaha.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger staceyd said...

That is almost too good to be true. I'd accuse you of making it up, but how could you make up something that fantastic?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Oh the blog gods are seriously smiling upon you. Did you leave cookies out for them? Awesome story, and even better, it's real. Nice.

We have had similar things, but dh forbids me to blog them...



Thursday, May 28, 2009 3:46:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

a-hahahahahahahahahahahaha that is soooo great!

Thursday, May 28, 2009 6:47:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

Dear, Lord.

Thursday, May 28, 2009 7:58:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Bwaaaa ha ha ha! I love you! And your son. And your husband. Seriously, I want to eat up your whole family. Delicious!

Thursday, May 28, 2009 9:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! Holy shit! I can't wait until I get to have a moment like that with my son.

Except with my luck he probably WILL have measured his cash and prizes.

PS. My word verification was "ceptice." Sounds appropriately like a venereal disease!

Thursday, May 28, 2009 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And hey, I thought the penis WAS 'the sword'. . .

Thursday, May 28, 2009 3:10:00 PM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I'm waiting for the teacher's phone call on that one!

Thursday, May 28, 2009 5:00:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

This is when I'm really glad to be sitting side by side with my husband. I might be comment # 52 but consider it the 52nd and 53rd laugh of the day!
Cracking up over here.

Thursday, May 28, 2009 6:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Oh. My. Hell. I'm waiting for M to finish what he's doing... I've already told him, "You've GOT to read this.".
Dying laughing!

Thursday, May 28, 2009 7:05:00 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

OMG! That was awesome.

Thursday, May 28, 2009 7:12:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I hope you sent the pen to school with him so the teacher knows what his model was. Cuz I never woulda guessed.

Friday, May 29, 2009 7:39:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Everyone tells me (re: kids) it just gets better, the older they get.
This is 10 inches of proof!

Friday, May 29, 2009 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Ok, I spit out my coffee. That is freaking hilarious!

Friday, May 29, 2009 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I even laughed at you saying "veiled penis jokes" because I thought it was a, ...wait for it...., another PENIS joke! LMAO -- that was an excellent post. :D

Friday, May 29, 2009 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I think he needs to join the Pen 15 club.

Friday, May 29, 2009 5:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Betty said...

Ok that made me laugh almost extra hard!

Friday, May 29, 2009 11:02:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Oh hey, and I thought it was a pencil!

Saturday, May 30, 2009 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

"Yeah! Blog fodder!!"

Indeed! Hilarious post!

Saturday, May 30, 2009 8:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

oh come ON! The teachers name is NOT Mrs Wood... :)

I think I just pulled a muscle with the laughing.

Sunday, May 31, 2009 4:09:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Do you mind if I list "President of the For A Different Kind Of Girl Fan Club" on the activities section of my resume?

Sunday, May 31, 2009 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Does blog fodder get any better than this? I think not. Hot damn I love the Pen is Mightier jokes.

Sunday, May 31, 2009 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

much with the laughter and my lust for you

Sunday, May 31, 2009 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

That's the best blog fodder I've read in a long time!

And I was going for pencil.

Monday, June 01, 2009 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Why do you buy your child sex toys disguised as pens?

Tuesday, June 02, 2009 2:39:00 PM  
Blogger Ilina said...

Hey, I had that pen when I was a kid! If I had been smarter I would have saved it to use in between boyfriends in college.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009 5:48:00 PM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

Oh dear, I hope he added more "pen-like" details before handing that in.
Reminds me of a traumatic incident in middle school. I had a pen very similar to that and some boys teased me saying I would have s*x with my pen. About the worst thing ever for a 7th grader.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009 8:21:00 PM  

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