...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

head games

A couple of weeks ago, before embarking on a morning out running errands, I tweeted my plans to leave the house wearing Crocs and a Scrunchie. Because nothing says "Thanks for giving up before even trying!" like that top to bottom debacle, I figured why not also let my Facebook friends in on the magic about to be unleashed upon the suburbs. In both arenas, I suggested no one cast the first stone at me because, let's be honest here, haven't we all donned a fashion disaster and mistakenly thought we looked damn good?

No?

Huh.

(liars...)

(somewhere there are photos of you in rainbow suspenders...stirrup pants...an Ed Hardy t-shirt...)

Within seconds of posting, friends started filling my Twitter stream and Facebook page. One asked if I was sporting a traditional ponytail or rather decided to rock one on the side (damn...if only!). Another queried (nay - TAUNTED) "Is ur Snuggie in the wash???" to which I had to take a series of deep cleansing breaths before responding because clearly that particular friend doesn't yet fully understand how deep my allegiance is to the Snuggie (nor, apparently, my marginal disdain for Internet abbreviations like 'ur') and apparently, we need to work on our relationship before we can go much further.

Undaunted, I ventured forth and had a productive morning. I smiled at fellow shoppers. Made small talk with others. Clearly, I thought I was quite charming. So when I asked two women standing near me as I finished my shopping if they wished to use my cart, I was surprised when they shook their heads furiously, then rapidly dashed to the next aisle without saying a word. "That's weird," I thought.

Weird and also apparently horrifying because when I climbed into my mini, I caught a glimpse of myself, utterly disheveled, in the rear view mirror and my reflection screamed in horror a full 10 seconds before I did. Stray shocks of hair had dislodged themselves from the Scrunchie, making me look like a crazed Medusa. At some point between leaving my house and arriving at my destination, my pores had birthed a set of clotted septuplet zits upon my chin that were now screaming and red with fury. The top button of my winter coat had given up the fight, fallen off and run away. And OK, I'll admit it, my feet, encased in the once loving embrace of my Crocs, hurt so much that my face was pinched in pain, giving me the appearance of a dried apple doll or constipated baby.

I rushed right home, buried myself under my Snuggie, and vowed never again to leave the house looking such a fright.

Until today...

Oh, yes, my friends, as my mom always says, I'll never learn! This morning, once again armed with an errand list and the false assumption that I'd not see a bunch of people at Target four days before Christmas (oh, hilarious!), I again ventured out of the house in a manner perhaps not fitting public consumption. This time, however, I opted for my running shoes over my Crocs (you have a pair and you know it), but the hair...well, the hair was still a bit of an issue. Sure, I pondered the Scrunchie for a few minutes, but the memory of how it let me down still haunts me, so I went another route.

Friends, today I walked out of my house and into the masses wearing a Bumpit.

Oh, I hear you out there with your screaming and your "Seriously?!"

Seriously. The only thing I'm teasing about with this confession is my hair. Forget Jersey Shore's Snookie. My big pouf is the next big thing. In fact, you know what? I'm going to adopt my very own guidette nickname. What do you think of these ideas:

D-Pow! (exclamation point totally not optional!)(clean STD test results also not optional)

The Incident

Pooker

Tanny

The Position

Hard to choose, friends. So hard to choose.

In my defense - and despite the rabid paranoia I felt while assuming everyone in the health and beauty - oh, the sweet irony - aisles were staring at my altitude achieving head - I must confess I find the Bumpit to be ingenious! Will I wear it again soon? Sure, if by soon you mean in a few months when I work out a few imaginary scenarios of how it could perhaps fail me if I wear it to work. But sure, like my Crocs, I'm going to wear those hair gripping marvels again, and you know what? It feels good to get that confession off my chest. Or out of my beehived head, as the case ma be.

But chill out, Freckles McGee, because I've got another confession that could make thing potentially more pathetic than the pouf. While I, The Position, was at Target getting the situation with my errands under control, I wandered over to the music and DVD section, and without warning, found myself leaving the store a few minutes later armed with Foreigner's greatest hits CD.

I know, I know! But dammit, I, D-Pow! wanna fly, don't want my feet on the ground! I stay up, I won't come down!

And if I can't, thanks to my Bumpit, at least my hair will.

Labels:

36 Comments:

Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I thought the crocs and the scrunchie were funny enough. Now I've heard everything.

Sunday, December 20, 2009 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

thank u for sharing. I have now buried all my scrunchies in the backyard and put the money into my savings acct that I would have spent on crocs. Also, if you think Foreigner is bad, I have two copies of the Saturday night Fever album

Monday, December 21, 2009 12:57:00 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

Ok, I just watched the Bumbit's commercial and I laughed so hard I snorted. I guarantee that will be the funniest thing I see all day.

Monday, December 21, 2009 2:39:00 AM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

I actually do NOT own a pair of crocs. But only because Hotty Hubby made me leave them behind in Canada...on threat of divorce.

Monday, December 21, 2009 2:43:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Listen, Chuckles - you use my idea for Christmas ponytails and we's falling out, okay?

Monday, December 21, 2009 3:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

Sexy, elegant, fabulous, flirty, sassy, casual ~ I'm dying to know if you felt all of these at the same time or individually while wearing your Bumpit!

Monday, December 21, 2009 5:35:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Um... I'm glad you're only my friend through the computer. so I don't have to hang out anywhere with you--LOL!!!!!!!! snort!

Monday, December 21, 2009 6:19:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Some bright red lipstick with that Bumpit and you are SET!

Monday, December 21, 2009 7:09:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

P.S. - Did I also mention I bought some Croc heels? Because I totally did! Some truly adorable high wedges.

Oh, did I say I just bought one pair? Yeah, well, I bought two! On SALE.

Because I need to save my pennies to buy hairspray to keep my beehive so high and pretty.

Monday, December 21, 2009 8:04:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

They make Croc HEELS?!?

And, uh, the rest?

I have no words. . . none at all. . .

Monday, December 21, 2009 8:11:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

FADKOG,

You are like a neighbor or personin a sitcom. I keep picturing Jim From Taxi.

Monday, December 21, 2009 8:37:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Here's hoping Santa brings you a hat on Friday.

Monday, December 21, 2009 8:38:00 AM  
Blogger just making my way said...

Wow. I can't believe I actually know someone who wears a Bump It! That is just some kind of awesome. And frightening.

Monday, December 21, 2009 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Ur my hero.

Monday, December 21, 2009 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Too busy adjusting my stirrup pants to comment...

Monday, December 21, 2009 9:46:00 AM  
Anonymous kdiddy said...

I, too, have a deep allegiance to the Snuggie.

Monday, December 21, 2009 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I've been waiting for someone in BlogLand to reference Snooki. Thank you for that.

And any greatest hits CD from the '70's is good gift material for the Husband! Merry Christmas, FADKOG!

Monday, December 21, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

After years of not making an effort, people's expectations of my fashion sense are now so low that I never have to worry about my appearance.

I'm afraid I didn't fully understand what you had to do with that bumpit thing - it's all way to complicated.

Monday, December 21, 2009 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I want a picture of this. No, I NEED a picture of this. It is my Christmas wish. PLEASE??????

Monday, December 21, 2009 4:52:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I want a picture too. After I've Ped-Egged my feet, and taken off my Ov-Gloves and finished Be-Dazzling my stirrup-pants.

Sheez- I'd never be caught dead in a scrunchie. (LOL)

Monday, December 21, 2009 6:44:00 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

I don't do the scrunchie thing. I just use regular pony tail holders. But I have looked scary leaving the house many a times before.

Monday, December 21, 2009 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger Trueself said...

I have watched the Bumpit commercials with mixed emotions. First there is contempt. Such hautiness these women have to want such poofed hair. Second, sadly, is desire. I wants me some Bumpits so very badly. I do believe the only thing that has prevented me purchasing a package so far is the fear that no matter how carefully I follow the instructions I will look not like the beauties in the commercial but like a sad middle-aged lady who can't quite dress herself right anymore.

You, FADKOG, are my hero for braving the world's scorn and going for the Bumpit look. Huzzah brave lady, huzzah!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:15:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

now listen here, just because i live in my birkenstocks and favor tie dye doesn't mean MY fashion sense is bad too! you rock the scrunchie and crocs, girl.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger JennyMac said...

I would write something witty but all my Madonna bangles are in my way from typing. And I need to fetch my leg warmers and put them on.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I tried to avoid the scrunchie disasterpiece last week and threw a baseball cap on instead. I thought I was safe, but my mirror inspection before the return trip home provided me with the image of trying to smuggle a wildly flailing Medussa under a baseball cap. Who the heck did I think I was fooling?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Dude, I like, totally want to befriend your friend who asked about the Snuggie. Touche!

(And, yes, we all have days like this. Exactly why I don't do those "look what I'm wearing!" posts, as much as I like admiring fashion.)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

In college I sewed a scruchy and a pair of shorts for my girlfriend...clearly I missed my calling.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I've never watched Jersey Shore or whatever t's called but I watched some guy spoof that woman on SNL so I kinda got your reference. That being said, next time, why not try for a ballcap? it makes you somewhat unreconizable (in case there are people you know at Target) and still hides plenty of hair flaws (like the weird kinks that develop in my hair should I ever have the AUDACITY to let it air dry). Just a thought...

Also, I own crocs. I bought them for wearing around the campsite during hiking trips because they're light and I can clip them to my backpack easily. I have worn them outside of this ONE other time and I saw an ex boyfriend at the store. Never again, my friend..never again!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I'm so confused... how did you unearth a scrunchie from the 80's?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 6:23:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You know, I thought you were one of my BFF. Now, I don't think I know you anymore. FOREIGNER? NO. NO. NO.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger Six Feet Under Blog said...

You mean we cant wear our scrunchies? lol

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 8:20:00 PM  
Blogger mommymae said...

wait. wait, wait, no pictures of this wicked awesome goodness? i'm hurt.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 3:25:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I don't think this crowd understands how very L.A. bumpits can be! All you need are big sunglasses and a pair of white capris (preferable with something along the lines of "hottie" across the ass) and you're good to go!

Also? Recently we went to a party and they broke out the snuggies and those were ROCKED BY ALL!

How did I end up here?

Thursday, December 24, 2009 4:32:00 PM  
Blogger BiketoWork Barb said...

So THAT'S how they get their hair to stand up like that! And all this time I thought it was genetic and I had no hope of ever having foofy hair.

Oh. Wait. i don't have hope. i have flat, straight hair, under which the Bumpit would be SCREAMINGLY OBVIOUS and pathetic.

So if you can get away with it, more power to you!

@BarbChamberlain

Friday, December 25, 2009 1:25:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Although your descriptions were great, I really need photos to help with the discussion.

I'm just saying......

Scrunchies, crocs, and bumpits? Oh my!

Friday, December 25, 2009 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger M&M's Mom said...

I am sad to say that YES I do have a pic of some REALLY BAD hot pink stir-up pants whith a God awful shirt that looked like a collage of salsa vomit AND to top it off a very styling pair of green Sally Jesse Rafael (sp) glasses. I was so delusional thinking I looked good when in fact it was a walking nightmare

Saturday, January 02, 2010 9:10:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home