it's not you, Christmas, it's me
Christmas? Can you come here a minute? I think we need to talk.
Listen, you've always been good to me. All this time we've been together, you've pretty much given me everything I've ever asked for. What's that? Oh. yes, I've forgiven you for not giving me that Easy Bake Oven when I was younger. I was being selfish and petulant. I'm glad we could move beyond that dark period in our relationship and get on with things. You really made up for it over the years, Christmas, and I thank you. I wish you could stop worrying about that.
You know what I find so amazing about you, Christmas? That for all the giving you've done, you've never once asked for anything in return from me. Sure, I try to do the whole "church thing" and understand the reason for the season and all that. I commiserate with you when I see you depicted as some silly oaf or snoozing animal decked out in a Santa Claus hat across the front of a greeting card. Since I'm being honest with you, though, I'm admitting now that I've most often sent out some snarky little cards over the years. Oh, come on! You know my friends!
Seriously. Enough about them! This is about us.
I've tried to be consoling when you've gone on and on about how others just don't get you. I know it's been hard for you to understand why people want to horn in on our relationship. When they start showing up in September, poking around and putting up pretty decorations, trying to lure you away. Well, I'm not gonna lie. It can be a little hurtful. I've seen how you look at them. I pretty much cast aside Halloween for you and you expect me not to be a little bit jealous? Halloween and I kind of had a good thing starting there before I realized my loyalties to you again. And let's just say it's a good thing I get a little more turkey when you roll up, m'kay? How have you not noticed the way Thanksgiving looks at me?
Listen. I don't want this to turn into an argument. You're too jolly for something like that!
OK, since we're being so honest, I have to get a few things off my chest.
What's that? Heh. Oh Christmas! You always know how to make me smile! Yes, you're right about my chest. It is a kick ass rack. What? You want to see it? Oh, OK...
Wait! What are you trying to do!? Please don't change the subject! Can we get back to what I was saying? I adore you! Really! But listen...
What? Oh. you just knew there was going to be a "but" in there? Please don't get snippy with me! OK, really, stop looking at me like that or I'm going to cry and I told myself I wasn't going to do that! Dammit! How do you have this kind of power over me?!
Listen. Listen! Would you just come back here?
I've been working a retail job now for five of your seasons. You assured me it would be busy and such. That people would be nice and friendly. That deep down they knew you were good and that would rub off on them. It would be all smiles and cheerful "Merry Christmas!" greetings. You taught me to not be afraid to say that even when people went with the less invasive "Happy Holidays." You taught me to give in spirit and not abundance. You assured me that, with proper planning, I'd be able to help you out by doing some of my own shopping and spreading our love to others.
But I'm tired. Your ideas aren't really working for me this year. People aren't being so nice anymore! They growl some response to me when I ask if I can help them, or they're pushing around in the aisles, forcing me to just grab like a mad woman when I go shopping. And they're messy, Christmas. The people are just so messy and rude lately. Plus, I don't think I can say "Would you like a gift receipt?" one more time without the possibility of provoking some carnage soon.
I'm tired, Christmas. I'm just so damn tired.
So what I'm saying is I think we need to take a little break. What's that? Are you crying? OK, now I'm going to start crying again! I thought I was stronger than this, dammit! I've been practicing this speech in my head for a week.
Yes. Yes. Yes, I still love you. No! I don't want us to be apart forever. Are you kidding? You mean too much to me, Christmas! I just think we need a little time apart. Figure out who we are without the other, you know? I think we're mature enough we can still be friends, don't you?
What's that? Oh. you plan on sticking around?
I have to go back to the store and work now. In the children's department, Christmas. Yeah. What do you think about that? See what you're making them do to me? That alone should be cause for a permanent break-up.
But you know what? You're right. I do love you. I'm so glad we had this talk, aren't you? What'dya say we celebrate our stronger, improved relationship with a little celebration? I say let's go shopping!
I originally published this in December 2006. Oh, yes, my friends! I totally just re-gifted you!! Come on, though. Doesn't this beat that set of body lotion that smells like a flower never grown in nature? And didn't it fit perfectly when you tried it on? See? This is the most perfect gift ever! You're welcome! It was my pleasure! Besides, working a retail job this time of year means I've been working a lot, and it's sucking the life out of me, but everything I do, I do for you. Even if I rehash the old stuff.
Labels: ho ho ho and all that