stripping in the suburbs

as i've mentioned before, i'm not a huge fan of working out. i dread it. i'll never be 'ms. perfect ass' in the front row doing the perfect squat (why? you ask. well, for starters, there's no rows when you workout at home. second, i prefer referring to myself as 'the chick with the kickass ass' - that's a step above perfect and meets my need to say 'kickass' at least once in my posts).

however, despite my disdain, i work out most days. so that explains why i was mutated on my couch saturday afternoon, flipping television channels and folding socks and underwear (admit it. you so freakin' wish you were me right now. if you folded my underwear, i'd let you be me. and if you then put them away in the right place, there's no telling what i'd allow). as i'm browsing all the quality programming saturday afternoon has to offer, i stumbled upon cnn (which, i have to admit, doesn't happen much). i perked up at the site of women sashaying around poles in stacked heels and tiny t-shirts, and realized the reporter was doing a package how stripper workouts are growing in popularity.

here's where i tell you that i regularly do kickboxing workouts, but when i've had it up to my chin with uppercuts, i pull out the cache of stipper workouts i have. sometimes you have to learn how to do the perfect squat while slinking around a chair, people. i love them!

according to the report, i'm not alone in my fondness for striptease. women across america are learning the fine art of pelvic thrusts and the sensual kneel. some are even taking their new found power and using it to open up work out arenas for others to pull out the feather boas and bump and grind with the empowerment that can only be found, it would seem, by learning how to doff your clothes (you rethinking that whole 'come to my house and do my laundry' thing now?).

pole dancing is great exercise, the reporter says, and is gaining in popularity among women in their late 30s to early 40s, especially moms seeking a way to regain their sexual self and enhance their confidence. i'm hearing this and am all 'amen!' as i sprawl out more on my couch.

that's when they decide to toss in the requisite sociological study to put a damper on things. a university of florida professor who has studied stripper culture for more than a decade fears, in essense, that the growing acceptance of stripping and exotic dancing in mainstream media(pussycat dolls, anyone?) that has led to gyms offering burlesque workouts and a growing dvd market makes stripping seem perfectly normal and not 'seedy.'

through her studies, this female (as if that matters) professor has found that strippers lose their sense of self and sexuality, and fears that those of us in our late 30s and early 40s who are pulling our kids off of us in order to yank our tshirts off every once in awhile could suffer the same fate.

wtf?

last time i checked, i wasn't slithering over to the sniffer section in my living room to retrieve a damp dollar bill from the meaty paws of some guy. hell, more often then not (not) there's no guy in my living room while i'm doing these workouts (yeah, I may be compelled to stop shimmying for a second when you pass through the room en route to putting my folded underwear away, but only because the sight of that would take my breath away). i have no compulsion to change my name to Dominique Double Ds and go put my resume in at the 'lumber yard' (marketing tagline? "where real men go to get wood!").

there's a fine line between cat crawling across my living room floor and doing it in some dark club. yeah, i want a pole in my house. i totally support the whole 'boosts your confidence' arguement that can be made. it's sexy.

so as much as we need to pay the bills around here (hope you don't expect to be paid when you come to personally care for my laundry) and of course, i so have the boobs for it (sigh...), i'll be strip teasing in the suburbs for free, a firm grasp on my sense of self.

and my ankles as i bend down toward them and give that cute little look back.