here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy, daddy
Sunday. Late afternoon.
Aside from the inane bantering of Will Smith on FX's 2,038 airing of "I, Robot," the house is quiet. Oddly quiet. The two young masters of the mansion, sensing a barricade to the computer and the opportunity to fight over control of Noggin.com, have called their grandma and planned their escape. Grandma's a pushover. They'll be on her computer before she can get the keys out of the car ignition.
On the couch is one husband (because honestly, one's about all I can handle at this point), remote in hand and the day's wear and tear settling into his tired body.
Armed with the possibility of two child free hours and the perplexing decision of either watching skinny robots trying to outsmart the Fresh Prince (stupid, stupid robots) or having sex with my husband, I quickly make my decision and then crawl up the length of my husband's body, dismissing winces of pain and some kind of outburst about his sore back (suck up, soldier), and eventually arrive face level. It is there that I give him my patented "sex move."
The "eyebrow arch."
Two times. In rapid succession. Followed by a smirk. Try it. Trust me. It will be a skins game before you realize it.
"What?" he says.
Ok. Trust me. It will work after a couple attempts, a few nipple pokes and the performance of a sing-songy refrain of "We could be having sex right now! Don'tcha wanna see my boobies?"
On with the show. Sex is agreed upon and decisions are made. Kissing ensues.
Then it happens.
When I pull away from his lips to grin down at him, my eye is nearly plucked from its socket by the longest nostril hair I've ever seen. Truly, I am both awed and appalled by it's dominance and the way the sun coming in from the window above us seems to give it an auburn highlight I'd very nearly kill to replicate upon my own head.
"Dude....wow....seriously," I say, struggling for words, watching to ensure that this follicle doesn't suddenly become a tentacle and snatch away my very soul. "Truly, that is the most disgusting thing I've seen."
A slightly closer look (because honestly, I'm a fan of bodily oddities. I've yet to meet a skin tag I wouldn't like to flick) allows me to notice now that this mighty nostril hair's powers have given it the power to spawn a colony of similar follicles to support it. I'd have thought it would have sucked the life out of the others, but apparently it was using them as minions to slowly feed off of.
"I almost think that thing could make a 90 degree turn upward and spiral its way into your brain, rendering you paralyzed or dead," I continue.
Before you ask, the answer is yes, this banter quite honestly adds to the foreplay. We're kinky like that.
"Well," my husband replies slowly and wisely, "that kind of thing should be covered under my life insurance so you'd be well taken care of."
Game on, mister! Thanks for thinking of me! Let the sex commence! Ah, but with one caveat.
"Um. After sex - because believe me, there's going to be some sex - we really have to address this hair issue," I say. "That thing looks like it could kill me. In fact, there's a part of me that questions whether it plans to strangle me at some point in the act, and therefore, I don't intend to turn my back on it at any time. No matter how much you beg and I like it."
"The hair and I'll make sure it looks like an accident so we're covered by your life insurance," my husband says.
Heh. Clever. Sneaky. I like that in a man. Which is good, because overall, it was much better than Will Smith and "I, Robot." The three of us quite enjoyed the afternoon dabble.
And rest assured. Since I'm posting this and my husband is asleep upstairs, you can reasonably assume that only one of us in our threesome died at the end of the festivities.
Or did it...
Labels: let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 12:26 AM
19 Comments:
Have you ever seen that movie with Will Ferrell, Stranger Than Fiction? I want you to narrate my life, pretty please. Bravo my lady, bravo. :)
fabfpe
The thought of you having sex ruined any other sort of comment I had except... lucky hubby!
Yikes! I'd have been too distracted to get down to business....
Stacie
I'd have to take care of the hair first. In fact, I think I HAVE taken care of such issues prior to The Sex.
^5 for a Sunday afternoon romp, though!!
(And FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, FX, STOP SHOWING I-ROBOT!!!!!!!)
Oh, the hair will be back; trust me, it will be back. And you know, don't you, that nostril hair is only the beginning? Ears and all manner of sundry orifices are merely biding their time, waiting their turn. . .
I seem to recall a similar discussion a few months ago, about other sorts of bodily hair, and the grooming thereof. As the 'aging hippie' resident in this corner of blog-space, I sort of feel it's my duty to let you all know that it's OK, it's all perfectly natural and survivable. Altho personally, I do draw some lines; those nose hairs have got to go. But they're 'OK'. . .
You like clever and sneaky in a man? Hey, just a couple posts ago, you called me 'clever and sneaky'. I'm flattered! And humbled that such an eminence as yourself would count me worthy of such a compliment.
;)
Nose hair talk as foreplay. I might have to try that out sometime.
ubvmdy (I gotta nose hair for ya!)
Ah yessss. My Other Half informed me upon our engagement many years ago, that I (repeat I) was now responsible for any and all hairs trying to escape any of HIS body cavities. I should've know then that he'd try to pawn many other tasks on me through the years.
And, umm, Im a little jealous of that Super Sunday Sex.
Ok, that's just ummm
GROSS
And Terry - I think you should have RUN, not walked, RUN, at that point LOL
HaHaHa ... unfortunately it becomes a never ending battle ... next up ... ear hair.
I don't mean ruined in bad way.. just majorly distracted.. damn lucky hubby.... sigh....
You are one powerful woman that the hair didn't distract you from---ahem-- Well, you know. I don't think I would've been able to concentrate after seeing that.
HA!
You think it's easy having hair growing from different places on your body? That's what I hate about being old. The nose hairs, the ear hairs, their all annoying. Plus they seem to pop up at the most inopportune times.
You did a good job of not letting that spoil your alone time. Way to use the grandparents for good use!
CH
Oh, and just let me add my voice to the chorus - your hubby is a lucky, lucky man.
;)
Maybe you could braid the nose hair, and fashion it into something stylish.
Random body hairs, at least on me, have strange growing patterns. They can spring up out of nowhere and grow like 2 inches overnight. Generally it's in a weird spot where it doesn't belong, like too high up my chest near a shoulder. I'm not very hairy, so those things stick out. Or I'll occasionally get one extra-lengthy eyebrow hair that shoots out like that extra set of teeth from the creatures in the "Aliens" movies.
And since I've shared the rest, I might as well mention that I also have one that sometimes grows at an abnormal rate, somewhere around my left nipple. It's eerie.
That sounds like the pillow talk that goes down at our house.
Nanette - I've not seen that movie yet, but am familiar with it. When it came out, I wanted to see it because I thought how cool it would be to have an actual voice outside your head doing the talking. So yes, sweets, I'll be your life's narrator. Please allow me to do some poorly done and completely inaccurate foreign accent though, ok?
Savage - If necessary, think of me doing mundane things like the dishes, grocery shopping and scrubbing toilets. I find that pretty much numbs any thought to the core.
Stacie - There comes a point when you have to bypass the freaky body things and seize the moments when the come up. We, as they say, needed a moment!
Taja - I put myself in placements, let's say, that allowed me to avoid direct contact with it! And it would be great if FX quit airing "I, Robot," but maybe now I can use it as some Pavlovian response for the husband...hmmm
Desmond - As a compulsive "bodily oddity" searcher, trust me, I've found hairs and things I don't even want to think about when I've explored the husband like a monkey. And hair is ok, I've not beef with hair. I have some kick ass hair. I just like it to grow in places you're not shocked to find it. And seriously, hair grows. It must be trimmed regularly. That's my thing. Now join the ranks of those who fit in the "clever and sneaky" row, mister!
Finished - Believe me, of all the things we could have used, nostril hair wouldn't have been my first choice, but it beats a runny nose or something stuck between the teeth!
Terry - There is a part of me that, if I'd been told I was responsible for the weird body things going on in my future partner, would have DEMANDED we eloped that very second. I dig the weird things! And I feel like I should announce, Monster Truck style, that ever Sunday around here should be Super Sunday Sex. Tshirts and bumper stickers available for purchase next to the beer garden!
Lady C - Sure, there's a grossness to it. However, I bet somewhere on the mystery blog my husband writes (heh!) there is a post about something weird about me. I just can't imagine what that might be...perhaps he'll comment here anonymously and let me know!
George - I've seen hints of that thing happening, and seriously, I'm gonna do my best to nip that in the bud!
Savage - Surely I didn't ruin your entire day, render it virtually impossible to get anything done, did I?
Rug - Let's just say that some things precede some other things. Some things just need to get taken care of first! And I did close my eyes from time to time to avoid contact!
Confused - Dude, I've seen where some of those hairs are cropping up and I'm nothing short of stunned on some of that real estate. Sometimes, it's like a little freak show walking away from me! And when I say 'freak show' I'm not just talking about what happens in that 'alone time'!
Desmond - I'm gonna tell my husband that random, anonymous internet people are clapping him on the back, telling him how lucky he is to have alluring old me around to entertain him. I'll, of course, bypass the fact that no one actually called me "alluring," because I so like to make assumptions!
FTN - You make me swoon with the goatee thing (um, so where's the mention of that, eh?!) and now you tell me you sprout strange and mysterious hairs here and there? Because I'm a fan of the lone wirey hair that pops up on a shoulder. I had to take a rest after reading of the mysterious left nipple hair.
Chag - I'm certainly not adverse to hearing "is that a zit or a baby's head poking out of your back?" before declaring game on.
ROFLMAF!! This whole post including the comments has put me in a better mood. I'm working on my post it's just taking me a while because of work, and family.
S.R.
Alluring, Schmalluring. Who cares, if you've got a woman who will crawl up your body on a Sunday afternoon and announce that it's 'game on'?
Just so's you know. . .
But I have no doubt that your alluring-ness is fully as kickass as the rest of you. . . ;)
Summer - Good to see you popping in these parts again! I've been keeping up with you. You two definitely have your hands full. Lots of positive thoughts your way!
Desmond - I must be pretty damn great considering I've done the crawl on Tuesday evenings after work, too!
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