betty draper would have fixed them with a steely glare and sent them to bed without dinner

Last night around the dinner table with my sons:

"Was this something pre-made?"

"You saw me standing at the oven cooking this meal not 20 minutes ago!"

"These noodles taste weird."

"These noodles taste like dirt. Are these noodles supposed to taste like dirt?"

"These noodles do not taste either weird or like dirt. These noodles taste fine."

"I'm thinking they taste weird."

"They're quick cooking noodles. That might have something to do with the flavor. They're fine. Let's just eat, OK?"

"I take it the corn is quick cooking corn then, too?"

"Seriously?"

"Well?"

"NO. It's just corn! Let's eat, OK?"

"That reminds me. When I woke up this morning, that hangy down thing in the back of your throat was numb."

"In my throat?"

"Yeah."

"My throat was fine."

"My throat!"

"Hmmm."

"It's not now, though."

"That's good. You should be able to eat without any problems then!"

"It was, though. It was weird."

"Indeed."

-- 45 seconds of uninterrupted eating --

-- or so I thought --

"Honey, I know your tooth is loose, but can you not try to pull it out at the dinner table?"

"That reminds me! Today in PE, we were playing hockey, and someone whacked me right here and I was bleeding."

"That will happen when you get hit in the nose."

"But it wasn't my nose. Weird."

-- looking down at my pasta...with red sauce --

"Can we just eat now?"

"Do you remember Courtney, Mom?"

"Mmmhmmm."

"She has this dry skin and it just flakes and hangs off her arms and stuff."

--putting my fork down --

-- because so far, putting my foot down hasn't worked --

"Also? When she thinks the teacher's not looking when we're on the carpet, she'll pick scabs off her legs and fling them."

"Well, be sure to duck if you see her aiming for you. And please, leave your loose tooth alone!"

"It's gross. She just picks, picks, picks!"

"Does she eat them?"

"No."

"So, it's kind of like this dinner, then, hmmm?"

"What?"

"She's saying this dinner is like Courtney's scabs."

"Huh?"

"Since you're not eating your dinner..."

"My nose is running."

"Seriously, this pasta tastes like dirt."

"It. Is. Fine!"

"I was looking at the Guinness Book of World Records today, and there's this dude who has 9 fingers on one hand!"

"Gross."

"I'm sure he didn't see himself as 'gross.'"

"And three of the fingers? Were stuck together! And there was, like, TWO THUMBS!"

"The better to pick up his fork and eat his dinner when his Mom asked him to, I'm sure."

"I've heard that a monkey went to space once. Is that true?"

"Yes. Also? Let go of your tooth!"

"Is it true, then, too, that corn helps you poop?"

--and then I caught myself actually explaining how corn doesn't fully digest in a person's body and five minutes later, I realized I was still talking about it, so I paused and pushed myself away from the table because clearly, this meal had gone down the crapper --

"I'm done. No dessert for you two tonight, gentlemen."

"Wha? Wait! This pasta's not too bad!"