...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

but then my homework was never quite like this

I like to think I'm one of those people who could be called a 'life long learner.' Always interested in new things. Nodding my head in agreement and hoping you won't ask me questions before I can get away if you're telling me something I simply can't grasp. Not confusing me with your wacky code talk. Soaking in knowledge from the Discovery Channel (lesson - dirty men are hot!) and Glamour magazine (lesson - everyone really can look great in the right shade of red lipstick), I simply drink in knowledge with an unquenchable thirst.

That approach would be messy and kind of slurpy.

This same insatiable curiosity is also akin to the way I approach sex (What's that? Where's the 'mommy blogger' you ask? Tied up in the corner). However, as I tried to achieve a delicate balance of sex and learning Monday evening, I realized I'm something of a teacher. If you're the least bit interested, check out my lesson plans:

  • Time Management & Organization - Technically not a class, but a good student knows you have to be proficient to succeed. To that end, I gave myself 1/1/2 hours to get ready for work Monday night. This included showering, putting on make up and finishing up. Incorporating stellar time management skills, minus dressing, I was done in 40 minutes. With that in mind, I thought, "Hey, girl! What do you want to do with this extra time?" Answers A,B,C and D were "Have sex!" Woo-hoo!

  • Math - Girl A finishes her shower and work prep with 50 minutes to spare. Eliminating 10 minutes for making a sandwich to take to work because she'll be skipping dinner with her family if all goes as planned, and figuring the average duration of sex Girl A has with Husband B can fall between 37 and 75 minutes, minus 8 minutes of random foreplay and 3.24 minutes to work out any kinks, how much time does Girl A have to bust one out before going to work?

  • Economics - Today, class, we'll be covering the most basic concepts of our market economy - supply and demand. Because it's not often I'm down for a pre-work roll, I was harboring a supply just slightly above fair market value. So I needed to see if the demand for it was there. Thus I stepped, naked, out of the bedroom, into the hall, and called down the staircase to my husband.

  • Speech - In the hall, doing little to cover up, I practiced a variety of inflections to attract my husband's attention. Sexy? Always (even if it's not part of the speech curriculum). Earnest? Good. Demanding? Needs work. Curious? Very good! Even better as I began to wonder what was taking him so long to respond.

  • Anatomy - Before we start, class, please welcome our newest student - my oldest son's neighborhood friend! Unbeknownest to me until he bounded up to our kitchen, landed at the bottom of our staircase and turned his gaze up to me, we had company! As our eyes briefly locked and I exclaimed something profound like "OH! OH!! HEY!" I became the naked woman hereafter hoping to be known in the teacher's lounge as Mrs. "Please Jesus, don't let that kid have seen my boobs! And Dear God! Not that, either!" Good times.

  • Fire Alarm - Or maybe it was the random screams of a thousand terrified moments flooding my brain as I realized what had just happened. Taking cover behind the locked door of my oldest son's bedroom, crouched down low to the floor, all I know was the voices were trying to consume me as I whispered affirmations. Kind of like my high school science teacher did right before having a nervous breakdown. But minus the nudity and boob talk, which I still clearly was sporting.

You'd probably think that would be the end of the school day around here. Ha! You'd be wrong! My husband finally arrived to give me the all clear, and a quick check of the clock showed 25 minutes still available to the point of the day's lesson. So I offered him a quick review and suggested he pay attention to the next block of subjects:

  • Government - What can your governing body offer my governing body that helps both governing bodies achieve a favorable and peaceful outcome? Weapons? No time. Peace accords? Whisper them in my ear and we'll see how times plays out.

  • Art - The naked body is truly the world's best artistic canvas. Or something. I'm not really poetic like that. But I trust you all know what I mean and will have no trouble with the test.

  • English/Literature - You want an example of how unpoetic I am? So much so that I'm not even sure 'unpoetic' is a valid word. But rather than dwell on that, please review the following and then prepare a paper for me by Friday outlining the fundamental flaws in the following - "Jack and Jill went up the hill to bust a little tail."

  • Biology - Finally! My favorite class! After all that effort, the time to get up close and personal in the study of organisms or groups of organisms has arrived! After a brief review of economics (would there be bartering involved in this exchange?) and government (who would jockey for ultimate control?), pencils were sharpened and overheads prepared for note taking. Or something like that. Irregardless, this class was the one to pay attention in. Participation was 80 percent of the final grade.

What's good about my approach to learning is I'm clearly not hard nosed. It's all about just taking in the lessons where and when I can (like in that 15 minutes we had left for the actual sex). And I flash boob, so I figure that maybe keeps a few people in the back row attentive. Not the least of whom I assume is my neighbor kid, considering how he looked at me yesterday morning when he stopped by prior to going to his actual school.

Now, if no one has any questions, study up. First test on Friday. Or not. I may be busy after all. Time management is so very important.



Blogger Edtime Stories said...

going, going, gone...another homer and one step closer to the record.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 7:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh to be a kid again...THAT kid...

Haha, have a great day, FADKOG!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

So, you know that the kid is telling all the other kids at school, right? Then, your son is going to have to punch said kid in the face. Your son, then expelled, doesn't get educated and starts working the streets as a drug dealer to make some cash, and ends up in jail all because you wanted some pre-work nookie.

Think about it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 9:39:00 AM  
Blogger JamesMommy said...

I give you credit...I don't know if I could have followed through on the lesson plan after flashing the neighbor kid. You wear your MILF badge well.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Congratulations, you are now *totally* Stacy's Mom... And you've got it goin' on.

15 minutes is just not enough time. Who needs that kind of pressure?

Um, what, pray tell, should I be studying for this test on Friday? Because quite honestly, studying was not one of my strong suits in school.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, see, here's the upside to our youngest being off to school - school starts at 7:40 this year (it used to start at 8:00), and we have been blessed by God with kids who can't stand to miss any of the before-school playground action, so they leave the house by 7:20 or so.

Now, based on the 'old' school schedule, I've been heading out the door for work around 8:00 for. . . I don't know, ever? So, the other morning, it's 7:20, and the house is empty except for Molly and me. So, in the best 'Business 101' tradition, she made me an offer, and we took things from there. . .

Altho, I'm guessing that, once the novelty wears off, she'll start trying to sell me on the merits of getting in to work earlier. . .

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

I think I'm just like Van Halen at the moment. I've got the hots for teacher as well. I got my pencil so give me something to write on.

New question. Hope your good with word problems. How long will it take for neighbor kid A to tell neighbor kids B through X about what he saw? Taking into account how fast word travels and that Kid F will start telling kid Aa through Yyy, when should teacher expect to have the entire neighborhood over trying to get a glimpse of
the Holy Grail?

That kid is the luckiest kid that I don't know.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 1:20:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I've got it bad baby! You lost me at Jack and Jill went up the hill...could I possibly get the cliff notes? ;)


Wednesday, August 29, 2007 3:08:00 PM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

hahaha! this was just too funny, yea I know all about neighborhood kids coming over at the wrong time. Or having one of your own burst into the bathroom because the phone is ringing and your in the freaken shower. Memories I wish I didn't have.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 6:12:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

okay so i just got my schedule for next semester and math is on the list. whatcha think about that??

you be my phone a friend?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 8:30:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

OMG...you flashed the neighbors kid? I thought it was bad enough that I just flashed the neighbor! Holy Moley Girl...LOL
Well...congrats to you for still being able to get your groove on after that, cuz I tell ya...I'd pretty much have to be medicated after that!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 8:50:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Ed - I quite love records, dear, but these days I've no way to play them. ;)

(that horribly bad pun will no doubt knock me back a few, eh?!)

lbp - That kid's here every morning. I'll see if he's interested in an 80s movie style "kid/adult mind swap"!

RS - I'm on path to ensuring that my kids will have the kind of life I never had. If that means I have to make them crash down hard to climb back up by their knarly fingers, so be it!

(and stop me from saying I did it all for the nookie. Oh, well good job there! You shoulda been faster!)

Jamesmommy - Sadly, or proudly, I don't know, I've carried on thru far worse. My husband is kinda lucky whether he gets lucky or not!

FTN - This is clearly the next step after I've finished shaking my ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car.

Which, btw, I'd normally do for longer than 15 minutes. Like other things. 15 minutes for sex is like recording the series finale of your favorite show and having the DVR crap out in the final 5 minutes. A let down. Unless you can act it out on your own.

I have no idea where I'm going with this response...

Desmond - As I hear the words to "Whiskey in the Jar" in my head after reading your comment, I have to talk over them to say one should never, when possible, deny the morning meeting. Work is for the weak and people who can't sit and hit blogs all day!

CH - Math problems scare me. I typically get confused with story problems by the first three words. I have a headache now. I must go lie down. And anticipate the coming media frenzy when word gets out the holy grail has been under my shirt all this time.

Nan - I gots your cliff notes right here, baby! Short and sweet. Don't want you getting stressed!

SR - My kid did that very same shower/phone thing to me this summer. I don't do much in the shower, and things I have, I shouldn't even talk about. Especially on the phone while in the shower.

kimmyk - I'd gladly be your phone friend, but we'd have to talk about things other than math! Quite honestly, I'm not even sure I could come up with an answer to my own story problem!

Stacie - Oh, when there's been getting grooves on through telephone calls from my mother and nose hair fiascos, clearly I am either terribly easy or Just. That. Amazing!

Besides, I'd have got sent home had I gone to work after, say, drinking, so, basically, I have learned to accept things!

Thursday, August 30, 2007 7:58:00 AM  
Blogger Jean Knee said...

something tells me you will be having a lot of new visitors around now, well at least your kid will be popular, right?

Thursday, August 30, 2007 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

jean knee - cripes, I've already got kids I don't even know using my yard as a recreational facility and bike path. Perhaps I should consider substitute teaching as a means of raising cash for a fence.

Thursday, August 30, 2007 11:16:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

Two things.

1) Has the lucky kids parents come over to ask you why it is that their son seems to be acting weirdly around the house yet?

2) How can you possibly live in an area with houses in close proximity and NOT have a fence? The only was I'd go fenceless is if I had some acerage to go along with it.

Friday, August 31, 2007 1:52:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

CH - Two answers:

1) This lucky (oh, should we *really* call him that?) kids parents are king and queen of the clique and yet terribly antisocial. Thus, not so much talky talky with them. Ever. Good times. However, as I speak, said "lucky kid" is here, as he has been every a.m. since school started (grrr) and has been for 15 minutes. I've noticed the morning arrival time has gotten earlier.

2) I like to pretend I live on a acreage. An acreage dotted with trees with similiar houses and other people's animals and children who roam free for me to get mildy annoyed by. Even more good times!

Friday, August 31, 2007 8:02:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Ok, no offense but I saw the word homework and then I shuddered. Then i saw the words math, biology and english and I almost vomitted! lol So with that said, I glanced but did not read. lol. I am a schoolaphobic! lol But I thought I would leave you this lovely comment anyways so you knew I was neglecting you! lol

Friday, August 31, 2007 6:03:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

That should say WASN'T neglecting you! lol

Saturday, September 01, 2007 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

I have to say I'm with Sissy, but then I saw the part about flashing the neighbor kid and starting cracking up!

Saturday, September 01, 2007 4:15:00 PM  
Blogger Childsplayx2 said...

I KNEW that's what Jack & Jill were up to.

And your neighborhood friend will have a story for all time. Mrs. Robinson. ;)

Monday, September 03, 2007 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Choppzs - Ultimately, the homework was a veiled way for me to just not say the words "I had sex!" but I do thank you for not neglecting me! It's a refreshing trait in people!

Wethyb - My neighborhood would probably be a hell of a lot cooler if we all just took to flashing each other as we pull out of our driveways from time to time!

Matthew - Thanks for the visit! I suppose it is odd that the kid gives me a little wink now, eh?

Monday, September 03, 2007 5:53:00 PM  

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