...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, August 15, 2008

she's a bitch, she's a tease

See that cute little pooch up there? That's Zoey, and she's our loaner dog again this week. All the fun of dog ownership without all the work! Sure, she still has to be fed and walked, but friends, 11 1/2 years ago, I predicted the day would come when I'd be asked to care for the dog of someone I didn't yet know, so I turned to my husband, then known as my Camera Man, and whispered, "Baby, let's make a baby!", and that is how my oldest son came to be. Now I have a really cute kid who will put sandwich bags on his hands to pick up dog poop, and I get to sit on the couch and rub Zoey's cute furry belly. There's just a hint of a power struggle between boy and beast when I ask one of them to fetch my slippers. Opposable thumbs give my son the advantage.

But just barely.

When she's not with us, Zoey is owned by our pastor and his family. That means when she's home, she's quite proper and abides by the rules. Some people walk with God. Zoey comes pretty close to taking walks with God.

I've seen her in her natural environment, and she's very calm and polite. Every morning, between her numerous naps, she takes some quiet time with her Devotional for Dogs. During prayers, she refrains from barking and squeaking her stuffed porcupine (which...sigh...my kids call Mr. Beaver, and I don't know why, but it makes me laugh. Oh, I know why it makes me laugh. I just don't know why they call a porcupine a beaver. Also? Yep. There's still a 12 year old boy inside of me. No! Wait! That sounded wrong! I'm stopping now, as I've dug a hole AND written the longest parenthetical comment ever on this blog...).

Anyway, at her home, Zoey is a dream dog. One of God's glorious creatures.

Then she comes to my house, and I swear to you, the instant her owners pull out of the driveway, she's hiking up her skirt, tying her shirt into a slutty halter, smearing her lips with blood red lipstick, and trying to bum cigarettes off of us, even though she knows none of us smoke. I know her ways, because that is EXACTLY what I did during my freshman year of college. She's all, "What's up, bitches?? Get it? I'm a bitch, and I was all just, 'What's up, bitches??' Is that beagle across the street new here? Whattaya say we shake a tail over there, check that hottie out? Bark, bark!"

Yeah. Good times. She wants to watch soft core porn on cable, and stir up trouble between me and Maddie, my sister's visiting dog. She also chews her left front paw incessantly, like a little boy who just discovered he's got a permanent plaything tucked between his legs. She tries to hide the fact she's chewing, chewing, chewing, but I am not stupid. I know. Especially when it's 3 a.m., she's stretched out over my thighs, and the chewing, chewing, chewing wakes me up. "They don't let me do this at their house!" her bulbous eyes seem to say when I urge her to stop, maybe get some help "They say it'll make me go blind! But it feels good! You know what I'm talking about! I! JUST! CAN'T! STOP!"

So I push her over to Tool Man's side of the bed, and eventually their snoring falls into such an even pattern, I'm unable to tell which of them is blowing the roof off above me. When she does sleep, she's apparently dreaming of packs of wild, hot dogs of every breed chasing her, because she's fluttering her eyes, softly barking, and paddling her little paws in a flirty dance.

But the most disturbing thing she does? She's apparently hot for my oldest son, the child I bore knowing one day we'd have to take care of a dog. So hot for him, in fact, that she attempts to hump him as soon as she sees the opportunity. "What's Zoey doing?!" he'll ask when she zeroes in on him. "Oh! She just missed you so much she wanted to show you by giving your leg a big hug! Ha! Ha! Isn't that sweet!?" I respond, lunging across the room to pull Zoey McSlutenstien off my boy's calf.

Here's a little something I've never learned despite all the hours I've clocked in on the Discovery channel - (A) I didn't know female dogs humped, (B) especially female dogs that have been spayed. I'm very much the suburban girl, and the dogs we had when I grew up were as chaste as I was.
Oh, but had one of them gone to college with me...

Clearly, Zoey thinks of us as the crazy relatives who let her get away with anything. If she had the opposable thumbs that enable my son to lead the slipper race to date, I've little doubt she'd sneak out at night and go visit the neighbor's beagle. It's a pity she can't, really. It'd give my poor kid's leg a much needed break. She's a little too much my son's best friend.



Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

It's always the preacher's daughters. They're always the ones going crazy with the boys.

Friday, August 15, 2008 1:06:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Oh but she looks so sweet...
"Who me?"

Friday, August 15, 2008 1:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh thank you, I needed that laugh.

Friday, August 15, 2008 1:08:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

So how does the pastor manage to keep order? Have you tried reading the dog passages from the Good Book, or singing devotional songs?

Friday, August 15, 2008 1:23:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

My cockapoo, who looked very similar to Zoey, also chewed a paw. Turns out thats what they do when they have allergies. And all that red on her face? That's protein stains from her saliva from the chewing.

Just sayin'

P.S. How do you get the child to pick up the poo? My son would sooner poke his eyes out with sticks.

I was at the Disney store last night and I thought of you. Joe Jonas was all over that store.

Friday, August 15, 2008 5:33:00 AM  
Blogger Alice said...

Hey! I've been spayed and I still like to....

; )

Friday, August 15, 2008 5:51:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I've heard it's the sweet quiet ones you've got to watch out for.
Zoey Mcslutenstien- too funny.

Friday, August 15, 2008 6:42:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Humping is an act of domination. Male dogs do it to each other, too.

But it's much hotter when it's bitch-on-bitch action.

Friday, August 15, 2008 7:12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(Applauding the entirely appropriate 2 Live Crew reference, then finding myself disturbed that I can recognize that lyric on the fly...)

Friday, August 15, 2008 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

At first I was offended because I thought you were calling me out on your blog. But as I read further I realized I was unscathed for one more day. Whew.

So how did you become the dog sitting fairy for more than one dog? Lucky you!

I could send mine down to you, but he may get too excited and pee on your sons leg. I am proud to say his yet to start humping - but I know at 10 months, we are just starting to figure out what that thing is down there.

Friday, August 15, 2008 8:52:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

You ARE the dog whisperer.

I've always wanted a dog, but I can't imagine letting one sleep in bed with me. That's sacred space.

Friday, August 15, 2008 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

Female dogs hump to show dominance, which makes this little, sweet girlie a dominatrix, too.

Friday, August 15, 2008 9:18:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

The description of her smearing on makeup and bumming ciggies is just too funny for words! Now I know where to send Chilco next time we go on vacation.

Friday, August 15, 2008 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Opposable thumbs, lol.

Friday, August 15, 2008 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I had a Shih Tzu named Edward. He liked to hump my unsuspecting dates. And he would. not. stop.

Friday, August 15, 2008 11:22:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Fortunately, we only own fish and they seem rather asexual.

Friday, August 15, 2008 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Mr. Beaver.

Friday, August 15, 2008 12:47:00 PM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

I thought the title was super funny until I read "McSlutenstein." That shit is hilarious!

Friday, August 15, 2008 1:49:00 PM  
Blogger cat said...

Zoey McSluteinstein! HAHAHAHAH!!

You always make me giggle.

Friday, August 15, 2008 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

See, this is why I love reading your shit. I have such a car crash of disturbing visuals going on in my head and it just feels so right.

Off to catch up on more of of your postageness. I've been out of commission for a while.

Friday, August 15, 2008 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

Hilarious post!!

I'm terrible with other people's pets, I turn them into crazy rule breakers. You know, some animals just like to par-tay. I encourage that. Yeah, I'm evil.

Friday, August 15, 2008 2:49:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

We had a long-term loaner dog for a couple years, that 1F brought with her when she finally left her asshole for good (does that sound just too strange? Sorry).

Little guy just won my heart the first time I ever walked into the room when he was there. He instantly looked at me, and said to himself, "Whoa! THIS one is the Alpha male!" And he walked to the far side of the room, looking respectfully at me. The whole time he lived with us, whenever I walked into the room, he'd move to the far corner, and just look warily toward me. Less than warm-and-fuzzy, but you gotta love a dog who knows his place.

Our guy was 'fixed', too, but every time we'd take him to the park to play with the other dogs, he'd try to hump every other dog in sight. . .

Friday, August 15, 2008 4:23:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

It is always the small silent types you have to watch your back for.

Friday, August 15, 2008 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Oh SO many questions!

First, Camera Man? As in nudie pics???

Okay. Is was just one question but a very important one.

My SIL, Crazy Ez, has the cutest little toy poodle! What does this little female dog Nieves do? She continues to try and hump my Mocha.
A little girl on girl action in da house!

Friday, August 15, 2008 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

is she an equal opportunity leg humper is what i wanna know? i mean, does she equally try to dry hump your other son? gotta share the love.

maybe it's all that jonas boys your listening to around there. ya think that might be it?

Friday, August 15, 2008 7:57:00 PM  
Blogger April said...

We dog sit for my in-laws dog Gracie quite a bit too. Don't let the name fool ya, she's a whore. You should hear her flirting with the bulldog next door. And you know how bulldogs are. Thankfully, she leaves my boys and their legs alone. Gross.

Friday, August 15, 2008 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

At least she is not a he--I don't think your son would have fallen for the hug line when the "red rocket" is ready for blast off. Oh no I didn't.

You runnin' a doggie daycare ll? ;)

Saturday, August 16, 2008 1:45:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I've got nothing much in the comment department save that there is much that I have that is lust for you....

Saturday, August 16, 2008 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

Ha! Whenever I head to the shower my two dogs head under the bed. We assume they're going down there for their daily devotions. Although we're not really sure. I know about the obsessive need to lick paws too. Geez...can we send my Morey and Zoey off together?

Saturday, August 16, 2008 1:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm, there is a certain Sausage who is salivating over this lovely Zoey. she is waaaaay outtah his league though, girl. But you know that wiener and his distorted sense of reality!! he thinks she wants him just based on her gaze in the picture!! :)

Hope you are having a fabulous weekend!

Saturday, August 16, 2008 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I love watching you dig holes and write long parenthetical comments, it makes me feel right at home. I think I would have hung out with Zoey McSlutenstien in high school if given half the chance, she sounds saucy.

Saturday, August 16, 2008 8:50:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

It's been said above, but PK's are always the most shameless. And the most fun to hang out with.

Sunday, August 17, 2008 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

Too funny!!

What kind of food are you feeding her? I buy the cheap stuff for mine because I resent spending a lot on someone who poops in my yard.

Sunday, August 17, 2008 6:19:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

My wife wants a dog. My kids want a dog. But before I turn this into a Donald Barthelme short story, there will be no dog until everyone's out of diapers. I'm not cleaning up after a dog as well.

Sunday, August 17, 2008 8:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My MIL used to have a female teacup poodle, by the name of "Bubbas", that would hump this wizard doll like mad. Only stopping to lovingly lick its face before going at it again. Even as she aged and became quite decrepit she would still hump this ratty old doll. And she drank coffee, this dog. Bubbas always reminded me of an aging diner waitress... past her prime but still interested in sex, and without a man in sight.

Sunday, August 17, 2008 8:29:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BP Dad - Let's play Preacher's Daughter and Bad Boy. Ready? "Hey, Bad Boy, I've been praying SO hard for you..."

Zip - Except for her random flatulence issues, she's terribly sweet!

kateanon - Anytime! Anytime I can muster up some lame attempt at funnny, that is!

Brian - My husband suggested an exorcism, but I thought that was a tad bit extremem!

Bunny - The kid of mine won't pick up his room, but he wants a dog of his own so much, he was willing to test the possibility by jumping in on the dog doo duty. I still don't know if it's enough to convince his dad!

Also, I know what to bury myself in a Disney store! Mmmmmm...Joe...

Alice - You should see me smirking at your comment! Ha!

Chas - I totally ditched the sweet quiet version of me at the state line when I went to college. I should have suspected as much with Zoey!

Always Home - What is it about dudes and their lust for bitch-on-bitch action, man?! ;)

Twobusy - It makes me happy that someone picked up on that. It makes me even happier it was you!

(HEY! BACKPACKING DAD? I'm watching you. From behind my hymnal...)

Lori - Some people, like our friends, ask nicely if we'll watch their pooch. Others, like my sister, just assume that, because the same blood runs through us, dog sitting is a given! I'm a sucker for furry little faces, too.

(which reminds me...BP DAD! You have a furry little face... ;) )

ftn - Eh, when there's not a lot of praying and offering up praises to God going on in bed at the time, a dog to keep your feet warm can be calming.

MAM - I KNEW that little furry doll face had a bit of a streak in her!

Mandy - The door is open for Chilco anytime! I promise I don't corrupt animals. They come here and try to corrupt me!

(kinda like BP Dad. You want me to do WHAT in the confessional?! You're a bad, bad boy. I'm so in for bad, bad boys...)

Mike - They totally come in handy!

Merecat - I had a friend with a poodle that would hump the couch cushion everytime I sat on it. Every.Time.Great.Again. It really sets the mood!

Cocotte - Fish are totally all, "Eh, whatever. I'll swim a bit and then die. No worries." I like that in a pet.

Ali - Double snort!

Shonda - The funny sometimes hits me when I'm punchdrunk late at night. Thanks for coming out and saying so!

Cat - Thank you, sweetie!

Manager Mom - And I love when you come around here and read my shit. I've missed you! Get back here and let's pretend we're married!

Chat Blanc - The truth is, my propensity for evil is probably the real reason my kids don't have a dog of their own! Thanks for visiting me and commenting!

Des - This dog is going to be totally aloof to me when we go over to the pastor's place, act like it didn't hover around me or sleep on the end of my bed. That's what sassy dogs do. Yeah, she *thinks* she knows her place, but she knows she's got a little place in my heart.

Tuesday girl - Ha! With her interest in humping anything that gets close to her level, I don't dare turn my back on this one! Thanks for coming around!

Bee - Naked photos?! Of MOI!? Ahem...no (shhhh...there's a few boob shots around....but seriously, shhhh!). I hear, and I can't speak from experience, but I hear sometimes girls just like to experiment!

kimmy - Interestly, Zoey doesn't have an interest in violating my youngest. She likes him, but not 'that way'! She loves my leg, though.

And I think the only thing listening to all that Jonas Brothers around here does is make me want to get up on that cute middle one.

(BP Dad - I mean you. Or something. Say a prayer!)

April - Oh, I know! Zoey also stands at the window and shameless bats her eyelashes (or what few she has) at that beagle across the street. She totally wants him.

Nan - Hah! Blech. But Heh! No. Not Heh. Hah! My dream is to keep that boy of mine as innocent as possible for as long as possible! No doggie daycare, ll. I've got enough mess around here with the humans!

Savage - So it shall be... :)

Laura - I hope all they're doing under your bed is saying their devotions!

Katie - Wacky as Lenny is, I bet he's one weiner that has a better sense of reality than some of the bigger weiners I've seen out there. Then there are those who just like to pass out photos OF their weiners!

Motherbumper - I will totally dig big holes for you! I hung out with the Zoey McSlutensteins of the world, but I was always trying to preach the good word to them so they'd be good girls.

(kinda like I pray to you, BP Dad. Or should I say for you. And us.)

That girl from Shallotte - Amen! That's why all the effort I put into pointing the way for those bad girls from my past was so half-assed!

Meg - Her owners bring some dried food over for her, but I've not a clue what it is. I just know it reeks, both in it's original and post-digested forms!

Chag - The key is to have everyone out of diapers and then having those formerly diapered ones trained to pick up someone else's mess. I think we're only halfway there here.

weirdgirl - It warms my heart to know that at least Bubbas cared enough for the toy wizard to hold it and kiss it gently before and after all the mad ravishing! Also, again, you make me laugh like mad, and leave me also picturing Bubbas with a frilly old school waitress cap on, maybe bitching about tips!

(BP Dad, you are SO on my prayer list. With little hearts and flowers scribbled around your name. Prayer #1? That we'll always be together!)

Monday, August 18, 2008 12:37:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You bitch.

I'm totally dumping you now.


And I'm gonna go kick BPD's skinny little ass.

Monday, August 18, 2008 1:53:00 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Tooo cute! We have a Zoe (pronounced Zoey) in our family - a Pom. Don't you just love small dogs? They're the best.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

redneck mommy - When he and I went parking one night last week after going to the movies, he asked me to go with him. The moon was shining on his adorable goateed face. I couldn't help myself!

(but we could make out during open lunch and he doesn't have to know...whataya say, hmmm?)

(BP Dad, I super duper heart you!!)

Bob - After my lack of success trying to own a large dog, I'm much, much better about caring for someone else's well behaved small dog, for sure. Thanks for coming this way!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 10:56:00 PM  

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