...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

'straightenin' the curves, flattenin' the hills'

so the mini was transported to the dealer today for about $3,000 worth of repairs following last week's interstate massacre, and the friendly folks at enterprise rental hooked me up with a 2007 dodge charger. a complete pimp car.

oh that's right, baby! i'm kicking it out dukes of hazzard style! way to catch on! i'm makin' my way, the only way i know how.

and what way is that, you may ask?

oh, you know. sing it with me....

"that's just a little bit more than the law will allow"

nice. very nice. and quite impressive, i must say, for seriously, i freakin' hated the "dukes of hazzard." it sucked. and i'm not just saying that because i'm a girl.

a girl who pretended she was daisy duke for a little bit today, but i digress.

oh ok, i may have called a few people "enos," too. strictly because i like the way it sounds. especially when coupled with "aw shucks. i think a little something bounced up into my undercarriage."

as the day wore on and i got a bit more comfortable with my ride (and ok, i got a little tired of yelling out "roscooooe!"), i totally thought this bad ass piece of steel (give me a break. i drive a minivan, for cripe's sake. a rickshaw pulled by a peasant boy would be more bad ass than the standard issue grand caravan) was much better suited for gangsta work.


why?

because honestly, this car's pimped out little windows makes me feel like i should be driving in slow motion down some seedy industrial ethnic neighborhood while some sorrowful opera serves as the only atmosphere in the soundtrack. you'd see my guy, johnny "the weasel" mcmurtrey, glance over at me. then, with one hand on the wheel and one eye on the landscape, he'd pull me close for a passionate kiss and then say, "doooz ya thing, doll face!"

"anything for you, johnny," i'd sigh while reaching under the seat for the bean shooter that i'd poke out the tiny window, bonnie and clyde style, and blow down the poor stoolie who fingered us to the coppers. why, i'd fit him for a chicago overcoat, i would.

"i always knews you's was a bad apple, hot lips "the tart" mcalister!" the boob would gurgle back at me, shaking his boney fist in one last moment of defiance before his blank eyes were left gazing skyward.


"ways to go, baby," johnny would say. "youz the best."

"let's go tighten the screws on those lugs down by the river," i'd say, adrenaline pumping as i wiped away a drop of blood from my pale cheek. a crimson pearl that resembles a tear, mind you, thus serving as a metaphor for my life on the lam.


you gotta wonder about me sometime, eh? that i can come up with all this in what amounts to two 20 minute car trips daily?

the curse of a pent-up writer, my friends.

tomorrow, anyone with the name "tupac" or "biggie" should really consider staying inside. because me? i could so be taking the wheel wednesday morning as "hott wraxx fantastic," laying down beats that are deadly en route to story time at the library.

Labels:

16 Comments:

Blogger The Savage said...

More like Hot Lips "The Rack" McAlister.... And now I have visions of Johnny Dangerously all up in my head....
Farg-ing Ice Holes!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 5:04:00 AM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

Yo Wraxx, me and da peeps will be check'n da ride wichu. Hee'r? You gots a cool ride, momma. Peace, out!

...okay, now back to my older white man truck. :)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 6:19:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I have a tough time with the accents when everything is lower case and there is minimal punctuation.

Plus, and I think I just need to come clean on this one, my inner editor has struggled with it greatly.

But I'll let it go for now, because you are highly entertaining, and you can even keep the ADHD in check to pose for papier mache sculptures.

What I really wanted to say is that this is one of the reasons I love business trips. Because at home, I drive the same silver emasculating Grand Caravan, or else my beat up work car. But when I fly to Corporate City USA on business trips, it's RENTAL TIME, BABY! I seldom get anything so speedy as a charger, but it's always something different. Once, I ended up with a creepy little Honda Element.

Most definitely NOT a pimp car.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 8:24:00 AM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

I really think those cars are cool. I've somewhat changed my views however. One day as I was cruising down the interstate, I saw a pimped out silver charger with tinted windows. I thought to myself, "That's a hot car!" And then I saw it pull some guy over with flashing lights on the backside of the rearview mirror and in the grill. Sorry, but if the State Patrol is using it for their sneak-mobile, I don't want one.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 8:39:00 AM  
Blogger ArtfulDodger said...

I invision a fog enshrouded overlook, the city lights spread out below, I'm leaning against the hood of my black hunk of carmeat, smoking an unfiltered camel and pondering the unponderable, as you quietly crunch through the gravel next to me, the window silently rolling down as you say, "You know, you really shouldn't smoke." I'd flick the stub into the bushes (hopefully not igniting a brush fire) and say, "Doll, with the Boss after me... I ain't got long enough to live to worry none." You'd smile that smile that comes from being behind the wheel of that car and say with your eyes, "Get in." And the night would be dark as usual, but we'd both be warm.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Hott Wraxx Fantastic??

Nice. Very nice.

You never told us before about your moonlight job as an exotic dancer. . .

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

Ok I am a guy of fairly adequate masculinity and I hated Dukes of Hazzard too. I'm not sure which of my rides is less pimp, the maroon Voyager with the dent on the back fender and remnants of duct tape on the drivers window or the old man Caddy (in a weird sort of snot beigeish green) my dad left me. Put me in my standard khakis and polo and I be about as pimped as Michael Scott .

carjuepy (we hit the mother lode)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

You didn't like the Dukes of Hazzard??????

I...I....I just don't know if our friendship can withstand this test...

Boy....

I guess given all the kick ass 80's tunes you turn out here, I can forgive you this one thing...but boy oh boy, next you're gonna tell me you didn't like BJ and the Bear either and never pretended to be a lady trucker named Peaches or Brandi,
please...if that's the case, dont' tell me..that would mean you likely weren't a CHiP's fan either and I just don't know how much my heart could take.
At least tell me you loved Grizzly Adams???
Stacie

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 5:19:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Aaaand now that song is just stuck stuck STUCK in my head.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 6:57:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

savage - "I'm not wearing a bra, Johnny."

finding heart - seriously, a truck is more bad ass than a minivan. i applaud your willingness to buck the trend that comes with kids!

ftn - let's say with the proper motivation, of which i've not yet figured out, i may be persuaded to ditch the lowercase and go straight.

though my superior editor isn't as freaked out about it as yours is. i say they should be challenged to a dual. first one spotting misplaced commas wins! wins what? a bronze replica of my kick ass rack that is taking you a long time to complete.

your rental cars are kind of "white bread," aren't they? there is nothing pimp about that honda, although setting it on a beach scene makes it dead sexy. like a delivery truck.

i'm the first person to drive my charger, a fact that made the enterprise man quite lumpy in his pants. i, in essense, grabbed that v6 engine's virginity. alas, i think i'm falling in love with it.
rug's - i came across some tricked out law enforcement versions of the charger while hunting my picture down. like they need that type of machismo (thanks, ftn!)

art - you're trying to make me fall in love with you, aren't you? at the very least you're going for a very deep like. if you tell me i'm wearing a trench coat and a 40s hairstyle in this little scenario, i'm a goner.

desmond - hott wraxx fantastic is my rapper name. i go by something entirely different for my dancing days. which take place entirely in my living room, so that's pretty exciting!

finished - anyone willing to have duct tape on their vehicle is pimping it. at least in my world, which includes me driving with a cracked windshield in both cars.

stacie - i'll do my best to redeem myself with you somehow, because i have to break it to you that i can't do CHiPs, bj and the bear, grizzly adams and let's toss in the love boat and fantasy island and hunter now, too.

but i am a good person and i'll make it up to you!

heather - i found it best just not to even watch the clip even though i linked it!

Thursday, April 26, 2007 12:42:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Ok, I guess I won't invite you over for a duke's marathon....it'll be lonely without you :( That was my friday night...the dukes, v, and then dallas, ah yes, and pizza.

But, I totally want that car, and a fake bentley aka the 300C.

BTW Rug--they have a few black and whites with those rides here too, that would be a job perk imo.

I'll be waiting for you to pick me up on your way to Vegas! :D

edzlw
cbkla

Thursday, April 26, 2007 1:16:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

now you are just getting scary.

Thursday, April 26, 2007 6:03:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I wish something would bounce up into MY undercarriage...

Thursday, April 26, 2007 8:02:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

nanette - oh, my friend, i did watch 'dallas,' at least for a time. however, i usually spent my friday nights waiting for 'friday night videos' to come on!

i'd bring this sweet, kick ass ride right up to your front door (hell, i'd probably be looking for conveniently placed natural ramps ala "the dukes of hazzard"!) if that enterprise dude hadn't made me sign a waiver that i wouldn't drive it out of state!

ed - heh! if not for fantasy, what would i have! where else am i going to get away with a nickname like "the tart"?!

biscuit - wouldn't we all, my friend. wouldn't we all.

Thursday, April 26, 2007 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

no Hunter either? I don't know how you're going to make this up...
This is big.

Hunter was my alltime favorite ever. I was positively in LOVE with Fred Dryer.

It worked for me.
Stacie

Thursday, April 26, 2007 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

ROFLaughing!! I would not drive a Charger, those windshields are so close the the stirring wheel.

When my suv was in the shop for repairs and had to get a rental, they stuck me in a car. Talk about low to the ground, not a great feeling.
Sorry I haven't been by working too much not enough play.
S.R.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 1:20:00 AM  

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