'fitting you with weapons in the form of words...'
- why is it that when i saw this blog had been unearthed via the google search 'mike rowe dirty bitch' i actually thought to myself "dream job, baby!"
- why is it necessary to say "thought to myself," anyway? is "thought" alone not obvious?
- for a former editor, i have no love affair with brevity.
- as a society, does anyone really need a toothbrush that play the hits of kiss and the village people as an incentive to have them brush longer? it creeps me out. i despise the black eyed peas. having to listen to "let's get it started" while spending two minutes on my molars would be akin to death.
- were the discovery channel's planet earth series a film we had to watch in 11th grade science class, i'd have been all up in a notebook, planning out my wedding to simon le bon and trying to stay awake. instead, as a grown up, i'm mesmerized by it, all 'oooh!' and "aww' at nearly every scene. if you aren't watching this, prepare to have me hunt you down and pin you to your couch sunday night.
- speaking of nature, why is it the males in the animal kingdom, of nearly every shape, size and type, are the ones doing all the work at attracting the females, but as humans, it seems we females go to the extremes to get a little bit of attention from the males? backwards? indeed.
- you'd probably be as amazed as i am at the number of "animals having sex" clips there are on youtube. god. i hope you're only amazed, if you catch my drift.
- i only discovered this fact upon doing some scientific research. and watching a tremendous amount of neil diamond clips.
- one more "planet earth" thing (you are watching it, right? do i really have to be at your house sunday night? ok, fine. you better have snacks and diet mountain dew) what in the hell was god's grand scheme that he's putting cute little white bunnies and delicate little birds into creation and then deciding antarctica is where they're destined to map out their days? and is there a wolf and/or fox stalking every known territory in the world? bad ass, i'll give them that, but kinda fickle these wolves and foxes.
- obviously i need to look into a 12 step program to wean myself off of the discovery channel. as a teenager, i never dreamt there would be a day in my life when i would live without watching music videos (ever. as mrs. simon le bon, it would have been unheard of!). now, as a crotchety old person, i'm all up on the discovery channel as though it was crack for people who want to act like they know something, but only get their smarts off the television.
- because of that, i want to know who the hell grows up and legitimately wants to be a crab boat fisherman. those "deadliest catch" dudes have my respect. i think they're not altogether right in the head, some of them, but they've earned the respect
- i get a little tingly inside when i discover someone else digs 'the deadliest catch' and we can gush about it together
- i miss mike rowe. honest to god mike rowe. not just his voice or his ford truck commercials. i want dirty, dirty mike rowe back.
- there was a time in my life when i did dirty things in a ford truck.
- speaking of which, it's good to know that when someone types in "different kinds of cock" that your blog is the first to come up in a google search. this is particularly good when you consider i've used "cock" maybe three times total in posts
- i feel like i should apologize for using the word "cock" in this post now, ensuring i'll definitely get lots of hits for similar searches in the future. forgive me
- because i more often call it by other names. like beauregard
- one more thing about nature. at the store, we're stocking the paperback release of al gore's 'an inconvenient truth' on a big old display. in the children's department. only in the children's department. so basically, what we want to do is terrify your children as they browse pictures of the devastation that could be caused by the melting of the polar ice caps. however, near the display is an assortment of 'happy feet' activity books, allowing them to rest assured that penguins will be blissfully unaffected, as long as they can talk, dance and sing about the fate of our environment.
- which, if they watched "planet earth" these penguins would learn they don't have much to be dancing and singing about when a seal comes to call. seals don't give a rats's ass about penguins when they're hungry.
- did that sound smart? i learned that from watching television.
- ky intrigue personal lubricant commercial. this should be about all i have to say about this, but i'm wordy, so therefore, let me say a couple things. why does this thing annoy me and yet fascinate me so? is it the idea of seven hours of sexual activity and toying alluded to within? not too shabby, my friends. is it clothes scattered throughout the house and being pressed into the shower door? even less shabby. but it pisses me off, too, because seriously, there's not a time i can recall ever needing a personal lubricant that puts in a full days work, minus a lunch and two breaks. that and the overt use of every trite public relations phrase used on the website to describe the product (though, truly, i may have come close to orgasm just reading about the shape of the bottle).
- of course i requested a sample. hope it comes with a coupon.
- i have to assume that screaming "fuck" while driving a minivan registered to a pastor is probably a straight shot ticket to hell, and that screaming it many (many!) times while also pounding on the steering wheel and yelling myself hoarse might just prompt god himself to assemble a team of angels to install a well-greased chute straight to the fiery bowels.
- i suppose this is where i tell those of you who think that's where you're going to look for me. i'll be wearing my chucks and a belly dance hip scarf.
- and no doubt i'll meet up with someone who has found me by searching google for 'different kinds of beauregard."
- if you must know, this is me avoiding ftn's questions for me.
- my goal is to mention that guy in at least two out of every three blog posts.
- but now, it's time to go to bed. simon and mike await (and maybe some beauregard), and i have crab to get up and catch in the morning after dancing with the penguins.
Labels: and all the girls whose hips couldn't move fast enough
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 1:06 AM
21 Comments:
You can attempt to pin me down on Sunday.... I don't watch Planet Earth.... As a matter of fact I don't watch much TV as it is... Besides, I have neither cable nor satelite.
You would also be very disappointed in my lack of snacks and the fact that Diet anything would never come near my fridge nor would mt. dew....
Sigh... I guess we weren't meant to be after all....
how can I comment to such wonderfully written material???????
I tend not to write in the margins when I read Vonnegut. Be well dear.
Oh, oh, oh!!!!
My kids have that toothbrush, it plays Smashmouth's All Star, and it works if you have freaky kids that don't want to let you brush their teeth. :)
Love, love, love.... Planet Earth--the great white shark, incredible. Come over, we will watch together! I know it is nature, but I really get sad watching some of the predator scenes.
likfschl
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In case you've misplaced your questions, ma'am, you can find them here. Just trying to be helpful.
If the KY's "full day of work" is anything like mine, that means it'll work hard for about 45 minutes and then be sitting around playing games and surfing blogs the rest of the time. And perhaps eating a sammich.
I just watched "deadliest catch" (see, I left off the capitalization, just like you, Ms. Editor) a couple nights ago. A shipful of guys end up in the sea and only one survives longer than 15 minutes. That's commitment to your job, there.
But man, I love me some crab.
Give my regards to Beauregard.
I think I'm the male with cable who doesn't watch Discovery Channel or The History Channel or anything else where I might accidentally learn something.
"prepare to have me hunt you down and pin you to your couch sunday night" -- sign me up! I'll even provide the snacks.
I also share a love/hate relationship with the KY commercial. It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
^5 to getting your smarts from Discovery. Works for me! (But I never watched the History channel. Ever. In fact I think I took it off the remote.)
Well I guess you need to come over here to my place this weekend. I don't watch that show on Discovery Channel. My couch is comfy and I have tons of Mt. Dew. Although it's real Dew not the fake diet stuff. But then again you would have to come to work with me and make me watch it since I work on Sun. nights. But with that new pic I'd be more than happy to have you come tie me anywhere on Sun. night. Something I'd even call in sick for. As long as S.R. can join in the tieing too. :D
Now it may be that in *your* household the female does all the work at attracting the male species to pay a little bit of attention to you, but not here. I do an awful lot of stuff to get the attention of my female counter part to no avail. Just to be told i'm tired.
So your a pastors wife?
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pmvaiqye WTF is that about?!
I'm so very tired after reading this. Do you talk like this too, or is it just writing? It's fine if you do, since I'm a bit reserved in person, and it make take a few beers and U2 songs worth you blathering on and on to finally draw me out of my shell.
I've been meaning to watch that Planet Earth show, but only in high-def of course. I'm such a snob about that, but it's been too damn cold downstairs in our living room to watch much on the new screen. But I'll be sure to check it out now that you've recommended it. When have you ever steered me wrong?
Ok, it has now been confirmed, I've suspected for some time that we were separated at birth and now I know! I love the Deadlist Catch and I love the Discovery/History/NatGeo/Science/channels. I don't get to watch as often as I like, but when I do watch TV, that's pretty much it. My son and I used to celebrate Shark Week, that's how bad it was in my house.
I haven't watched Planet Earth, only because I can't be there every Sunday night and I hate missing anything, so I ordered the whole series on BluRay DVD so I can watch it in HD, it comes out in a few weeks. :)
Pathetic? I dunno, who cares, I feel smart.
i'm with you all the way on deadliest catch and planet earth. but if you tell me you watch myth busters, i'm gonna have to kick your ass.
That Discover channel sure is rocking these days, I love both the deadliest catch and planet earth.
Brilliant shows.
You're gonna have to tie me down, I already got way too much to watch. Myth Busters, History's mysteries, Modern Marvels, various Treks, Raines, Criminal Minds, and CSI's and I only have time to watch half those. Tei me down, please.
For the record, the guy does all the attracting (attempts) around here. Just saying.
savage - after you looked past some of my 80s one hit wonder weaknesses, you're just going to give up on us becasue of my discoery channel obsession? even if i acted out parts of "planet earth" (which, you have to admit, since it's all animals and element, would be pretty kick ass. and amazing)? think about it.
ed - these comparisons given to me this week serve to make me blush. thank you for dipping your toe in to comment when you do, dear.
nanette - i shall grant a pass to you, my friend, allowing for these types of toothbrushes. sadly, though, this may be the extend of smashmouth's career path!
i also get the same way when it's "dinner time" on the plains, but wonder who to root for in the little circle that inevitably has to go on. shall we comfort each other over reece's peanut butter cups and milk?
ftn - and i thought being mike rowe's dirty bitch was my dream job? strike that. your job, complete with sammiches. the only thing that would have made it better is if you said you ate that sammich in the libaree.
i'll come face to face with those questions, after i deal with beauregard. he says 'hey,' by the way. with a southern accent, as all good beauregards should.
chag - it was only after i graduated from learning my alphabet in spanish and deciding i was capable of doing things without the help of a talking backpack that i signed up for the advanced courses at the discovery channel!
kelly - look for me to show up around dinnertime, then, all casual-like "what's for supper, eh?" and then you'll be forced for feed me that *plus* snacks before we plop on the couch. i will help clean up!
taja - i hate being taunted by a personal aid product, i know! how dare ky mock me!
and heh...i'm so smart off the discovery channel, i was all "what the heck is ^5?!" when i first read your comment. but then it came to me, and i felt like an idiot for not knowing immediately. discovery needs to look into a "blogger-ease" program.
confused - you still going on about that new pic? ah, you silly, silly man. eh, who am i kidding. go on as long as you wish. i'll bring my own diet mt. dew.
which i nearly choked on, mind you, when i read the part where you question whether i'm a pastor's wife!
j - i talk like this in my head constantly. like you, i can be terribly reserved around people until i get to know them and they simply resign themselves to the fact that i'm going to carry on. so our initial meeting has the potential to be awkwardly silent or you'll be all drinking your beer, nodding your head and thinking, "jesus! enough already!"
and i say let's you, me and art hook up and watch "planet earth" in hi-def, because i'm jealous you both can and i can't! you can show me your boy toys!
art - i'll be pathetic with you, my friend! afterall, it would seem appropriate, what with all this separated at birth thing going on around here. you, me and j...we're going to conquer the world.
but not until after shark week!
you da mom - the only ass kicking that's going to go on around here is in the form of racks! i actually said to my husband as he watched "myth busters" this week that i couldn't tolerate that show. nope. don't believe the myth at all!
nocturnal - let's say i make the italian, you supply the beer and we'll just marathon it, discovery channel style?
xi - i wonder if the men around here who have asked to be tied down are making that request in the interest of learning something off these "smart people" channels. hmmm...
I have my dvr set to record every episode of Deadlist Catch, it's the only show on t.v. that I will sit down and watch. I tried watching their series of Earth, I've missed so much of it already that I'm not even sure if I would be able to catch up on it.
S.R.
LOL! I was just looking at the toothbrush ad and saying I had to get some mouth rock-n-roll for my kids. ;)
Um, why does the KY site have a button saying 'enter' instead of 'play'?
Toying with you now: Due to trainings I've been able to attend, I saw the Discov Atlas: China in HD at a theater b4 it's TV world premire and saw Planet Earth in a private screening before it's tv premire. Discovery usually treats teachers very well.
Okay, back to my frustrating world. have a great weekend.
KAR, yeah you got it there. We just too weak to choose these things on our own and need a bit of kick-ass therapy. Sure, that's it. Really.
I watch the history channel for the same reason.
gpvsm
summer - you're never far behind on the "planet earth" thing! trouble is, they don't rerun the hell out of it like "deadliest catch." which i can be found watching over and over again.
finding heart - my, my, my. that's a very interesting observation about the ky website. i hadn't even noticed! obviously i was so overcome with the descriptive words and that shower part.
it's with a little jealousy that i admit my awe that you got an early pass on the "planet earth" thing. aside from the attitudes, meetings with parents and grading papers, i'm guessing being a teacher has it's advantages!
xi - everyone benefits from a little kick ass something from time to time, for certain!
finished - i don't know if i should be proud or ashamed that much of what i've learned and retained in my adulthood is the result of television...
I found you through... oh, I can't remember... but you are funny!
anon. boxer - glad you found me however you did! and thanks for the nice comment! hope you'll feel inclined to leave another when you stop back again sometime.
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