...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

the 'e' stands for 'enough already...'

i have this habit on sundays of going to church. for the most part, i'm tuned in to what's going on around me. a lot of the the times, though, i'm gawking ("oooh! look at the shiny lights!") or, about an hour in, i'm hitting the indiglo button on my timex, gesturing my thumb toward the pastor and muttering to my husband, "do you get this guy?"

however, i have reason to believe god really does have a purpose for me. i believe he wants me to realize that my spiritual life is one that will put me on a straighter path to heaven. because honestly, i've seen hell, and i really don't want to chart out my eternity there.

"oh. you've seen hell, have you? pray tell, what's it like, little girl?" you're probably saying.

well, i can tell you that hell is loud. there really is a lot of screaming and tearing at bodies. and you'd naturally assume hell would be dark, but i'm here to tell you that it's not. despite being a cavernous hole, hell is illuminated by bright and glaring lights, and punctuated by sirens and bad music.

and germs. you just know hell is crawling with germs because you'll look around every once in awhile (they make you do that in hell, btw, because you never want to lose track of the person you're there with. you must always have a partner in hell) and you'll see people licking things that shouldn't be licked. running their hands across dripping noses. you'll cringe, but trust me, if germy mcgermeson sees you cringing as they smear snot across their face, they'll just laugh and maybe dig in for more. because they see that look of horror on your face. oh yes. they see it and counter it with a contorted squeal that can't be stopped by snot bubbles.

and there is always snot bubbles.

oh, they feed you in hell, too, but don't expect it to be good. if it were good, you'd never want to leave and truly, leaving should be the only goal you have.

so how do you know when you've reached hell?

when you see this:

ok, i know it's pretty cliche to put down chuck e. cheese (to "cut the cheese," as the case may be if the case was i was a 12 year old boy, and if it were, i'd toss in an armpit fart for good measure just to drive the case home), but seriously, i can think of no other god forsaken institute worthy of it.

so here's my question. when you apply for a job at chuck e. cheese - because who wouldn't want to pimp plastic bugs and fake teeth that cost a penny to make but forces parents to spend upwards of $50 to make their kid stop crying at the skee ball game - does the fact that the manager tells you you will have to dance in front of groups of crazed preschoolers and their zombified parents while singing some version of "happy birthday" 27 times a day not turn you off? is the $6 an hour you pull down enough for you to toss your pride out the back door so you can either support your drug habit or your kid?

because it wouldn't be for me.

mostly because my singing is reserved for my own kitchen, where little children can't mock me (though sometimes, my preschooler does get pretty ballsy).

apparently, the staff at the chuck e. cheese i'm blessed enough to frequent (last year - three times in one week! thank you, preschool birthday parties!), the staff there doesn't seem to mind because they apparently have some alleged issues that require that paycheck. our chuck e. cheese is nothing short of a quentin tarantino movie, which should, in essence, make it fun and come complete with a pretty kick ass soundtrack and a cameo by bruce willis ("zed's dead, baby. zed's dead...but not this half pepperoni, half sausage speciality you ordered! enjoy folks!").

when i returned home from chuck's place last wednesday, i perched myself at my kitchen counter, opened up that morning's newspaper and was hit with a headline declaring "chuck e. cheese's manager faces meth charges." according the the register account from the police report, "the manager of a restaurant that caters to children was arrested saturday for allegedly assaulting two employees and was later charged with possession of methamphetamine. police arrested chuck e. cheese's manager geoff willson of west des moines after another employee of the store, 1431 22nd st., said willson pushed her out of the way when he wanted to get by, a police report said. willson allegedly threatened and assaulted another woman at the restaurant, but she did not want to press charges. police noticed willson was jittery during initial talks, and an officer found a bag containing methamphetamine in his patrol car after taking willson to jail, the report said. willson later admitted the drugs were his."


i figure this explains why there were three jehovah witness boys in their nice suits there while our party commenced. and here i just thought they were there for the wack-a-mole game they were getting strangely into. however, i'm pretty sure it doesn't figure into why my slice of taco pizza still tasted like crap.

you'd think this would be enough madness for the big cheese this past week, but no. oh, no, my friends. perhaps you saw a little blurb picked up by the associated press (it was apparently all over newspapers and television news) last monday when a deer crashed through the window of another area chuck e. cheese. no one was hurt, and two men dining in the establishment jumped on top of the deer and held it down until employees from the state department of natural resources arrived and were able to retrieve the deer, also unhurt, and release it.

undoubtedly, the deer must not have realized the above mentioned manager was not scheduled to work that day and it's quest to obtain the devil dust for it's woodland friends was sorely thwarted. damn deer is probably out there now, wandering in the forest, shaky and strung out, eyeing the semis whizzing by on the interstate like death's sweet mistress.

if it takes that leap, i only hope it ends up in some sweet animal heaven, because truly, i've been to hell, and the only animal there is some giant, matted fur rodent dressed like will smith from the "fresh prince" days.

and none of us wants to be there. trust me.* i suggest you pay attention the next time you go to church, if you go to church, and pray about that. i know i did today. and then i glanced at my watch, poked my husband, and said, "seriously! do you get this guy?!"

* unless you're prepared to have me kick your ass at skee ball. or muster up a snot bubble...

Labels:

17 Comments:

Blogger The Savage said...

Havign never been to Chuck's place I am now glad that I have never done so....
Ifn's ya want good taco pizza.... Casey's.. and don't look at me like ya don't know what I am talkin' about... Your State spawned the chain.... Yeah... when it come's to taco pizza.. Casey's is the best.... when it comes to making pizza at a Casey's... I, at least, rank in the top 100....

And as for Hell... I don't think it exists (I tend to avoid Religious conversations for this reason)

Monday, April 02, 2007 4:50:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Ha! You read me like a book. I did say to myself, "self, what does fadkog consider hell?" Only it came out more like, "hmm, I wonder if she has had a near death experience...."

Do you have the equally disgusting Jungle Jim's out your way?

Another brilliant insight!

lslper

Monday, April 02, 2007 5:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Nocturnal said...

Sheesh, I don't know whats worst: the pizza or the employees there.

Monday, April 02, 2007 6:20:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I know this hell you speak of...and while meth is not my drug of choice, they need to hand out something at the door for the parents.

Monday, April 02, 2007 6:30:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I'm no good at snot bubbles, but I bet I could kick your ass at skeeball!
Chuck E. Cheese...yeah, I gotta agree with you...that place is hell.
Stacie

Monday, April 02, 2007 10:36:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

First of all, I would kick your ASS (and your KickAss Rack, for that matter) at ski-ball. Don't even pretend you could compete with me. I could have made it on the pro ski-ball tour, if it wasn't for a freak wrist injury when I was 19.

I kind of like Chuck E Cheese. It amuses me. But then, my local establishment isn't run by meth-crazed hoboes like yours.

Last of all, I'm completely fighting the urge to link to my own Chuck E Cheese post. Because it's annoying when people whore out their own blog in blog comments.

So I'll just be super-sneaky and put the link in the period at the end of this sentence.

Monday, April 02, 2007 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

Hell indeed. I am thankful that my kids are past that age but the promise of grandchildren in the next decade or so looms eerily ahead. I will start bracing myself for my return to hell even as we speak.

jniqbk

Monday, April 02, 2007 10:49:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

There is something weirdly surreal about Chuckie's (hmmmm; 'Chucky' - coincidence?).

It reminds me a little bit of the time we took the three oldest kids (they were all we had at the time) to Disneyworld, altho the costumed characters at the Mouse (hmmm; maybe it's a 'mouse' thing?) are better-kempt. But we went through the 'Small World' ride, with its pretensions of Heaven in the last room, with that song - THAT SONG! - repeating over and over and OVER, worming its way into your cerebral cortex until your ears bleed!

(deep breaths; deeeeep breaths; OK, better now). . .

Monday, April 02, 2007 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger ArtfulDodger said...

Thank goodness it only took my son ONCE at that hellish place to turn to me and say (at 3 years old) "Dad, please don't take me here again because I will seriously grow up a psychopathic killer and blame you on all the talk-shows!" Or, words to that effect. Once was enough, I dipped my toe in the cauldron of Hell and that was enough for me.

Yeesh.

Monday, April 02, 2007 5:15:00 PM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

I agree with finished last! I'm so glad my kids and niece and nephews have outgrown that place! It's just a darn shame that I live 10 hours away from the next sister just starting to have babies! She will be frequenting the Des Moines area ones too!

Monday, April 02, 2007 7:00:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

savage - with a casey's behind me, one up the street and another two minutes in the car, i'm well surrounded by that taco making goodness. and it is the goodness. like a little orgasm covered in dorito chips, and seriously, how kick ass would it be were that always the case, hmm...

nanette - no jungle jim's here, but you may see me knocking on wood now that we not get something like a jungle jim's! there are enough of these germ lands serving crappy food popping up all over! preschool's nearly over for the years, so my hope is we're not tempted again by the allure of the chuck!

nocturnal - truly, it's a toss up between the staff and the patrons. last fall, the place was in the police blotters when a man went on the rampage there and ran in and attacked his exwife's boyfriend as he sat there, prompting other customers to run sreaming from the place.

additionally, a car has run into the front of the building and entered it upon impact.

we're quite classy here. come visit.

biscuit - excellent point. cripes. i wish i had made it myself! further reinforcing that crush i have on you, thank you very much...

stacie - are you calling me out on the skee ball? are you?! bring it! seriously. i mean it. or else we can skip the skee ball and just sit out on the deck and have a drink. either way!

ftn - part of me hesitates to ask this question, but the bigger part screams "do it" because that's just the kind of girl I am.

what provoked your wrist injury at the age of 19? because i have to think a teenage boy/almost man should have an incredibly supple and healthy wrist, no?

crazed hoboes. heh....this place actually operated on a skeleton crew of spaced out girls who stood around griping about how "i'm not even supposed to be here today, dammit," so that was good times.

oh, and bring it, skee ball wizard (and blog pimp)! that is, if your wrist is up to it. i may or may not be making chicken noises right now.

finished - the amazing thing is i haven't unleased his hellish fury on my parents as a guilt thing to recognize their grandchildren. probably because my mom would mock me!

desmond - i personally would take a day-long journey through the small world attraction at disney over two hours at chuck's place. i think. stamina. yeah. i can do that!

art - my jealousy is ripe! you are raising that boy right! my kids so much as see a person in a mouse costume and they're chanting and pleading! i have this scary thought that hell is still in my future.

i may have to ship them out to ftn, though, so he can take them to his meth-riddled hobo free chuck e. cheese. i'll give him money for his own tokens, if necessary.

cripes, i'll give anyone money for their own tokens never to have to personally go back there again!

chrissy - i suggest you tell your sister now to avoid the des moines area chuck e. cheese places at all costs! at this point, i'm all for the backyards! you're lucky!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 1:26:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

lol -
I actually knew a girl in high school who worked in hell. She was hired merely to be the rodent, and after a couple months started to develop SERIOUS back problems.

Apparently there is a reason man (or rat) was not designed with a head that is twice the size of the rest of one's body.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Unfortunately, I'm sure she's all too familiar with them. She has 3 half brothers that are just growing out of that stage. I've heard stories! Unless there is one in the Boone area, I'm sure the ones she's been to are DesMoines! Poor girl! :)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger JUnderCovers said...

I have no words (except for "Aww, poor little deer"). You've frightened me. As if I wasn't inclined enough to avoid Chuck E. Cheese for the rest of my life, you've steeled my resolve. Mrs. J and I decided that we don't care how much it scars our potential future children, we are NOT playing the "kiddie" game. No Barney, no Chuck E Cheese, no living room full of plastic crap, and NO FUCKING WIGGLES! They can listen to our music and watch BBC America with us and be perfectly obnoxious precocious little things with no friends, but we'll all be saner for it.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I'm not overly competitive, but skee-ball is one "sport" I know I can excell at. If you want, we can sit on the deck and have a beer *after* I kick your ass in skee-ball. I'll even buy!
Stacie

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 3:22:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

rs - science truly has cheated us out of this ability to sport craniums larger than our bodies. ah, but all the delightful other things we can do with them. like sigh and roll our eyes. or is that just me?!

chrissy - boone is safe. there's not much in boone to alter anyone's lifestyle. i've been to boone. it's just a gateway to bigger and better thing!

j - before The Husband and I had kids, we'd sit at restaurants and such and plan out our children's lives. Not senseless TV, we'll read to them an hour every night. No Happy Meal toys unless they actually eat, and they'll eat it because it will be such a rare treat. Oh, the days. The only mandate that did seem to stick, though, was definitely that "No Barney" one! I caved on The Wiggles, and pretty much everything else!

They do listen to my music, though. Except my husband bought The Blackeyed Peas cd (why?! good question...) and one day, the boys and I are driving around and the youngest is going on about wanting to hear "that lumpy song." I had no clue. So the oldest cleared it up for me by singing about "my lady lumps." Delightful.

I may have played it for them. Because parenthood does make you something of a pushover!

stacie - can we drink beer while also playing the skee ball? If so, book a flight.

Oh, and I can't comment at all on your blog. I saw your post about it and I get much of the same issues you have. Anyone with Haloscan doesn't get my words, and then I have problems with their site for a period afterward. If you get things figured out, let me know!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007 1:20:00 AM  
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Friday, May 04, 2007 7:11:00 AM  

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