maybe i do, maybe i don't

as a general rule, i feign stupidity when the topic of blogs comes up in discussion among my friends and family. truth be told, if words even starting with the letter 'b' are used in a conversation with them, i'm looking for the exit, fidgeting in my seat or pointing out the imaginary wad of gunk the other person has embedded between their front teeth.

this tactic usually buys (argh! a 'b' word!) me about 18 second with which to breeze (another! the agony!!) through the files in my brain (you ever realize how hard it is to avoid these things?!) to come up with a new point to discuss, such as the war and bush's (sigh...seriously...) mangling of the situation, perceived ineptitude in my parenting skills and, if with my mother, the debate over when i'm going to get a "real job."

so imagine my discomfort last sunday afternoon when, while gathered around the empty table at my mother's house following easter dinner, the topic of blogs and blogging came up, out of the blue (for god's sake...).

"what is a blog, anyway?" asked my mother, pretending to be stupid. i say "pretending to be stupid" because, for one, you'll now be able to see where i get this talent, and two, seated at the table with my mother and me were my aunt and my cousin, who authors a blog that my mother has critiqued and editorialized about vehemently to me and anyone else who will listen since the poor girl typed her first entry last fall.

"i mean, i don't even know what the word 'blog' stands for. do you?" mom asked, her gaze turning toward my own, which quickly went from her direct molten stare of shame toward examining an imaginary flaw in the finish on the table top.

"oh, you know, i think i used to," i replied. "i mean, i know i've read about them, but i'm not positive what 'blog' stands for. so, yeah, mom, do you really think i've not achieved all i could in life simply by not utilizing the maximum benefits of my college diploma? after all, you did push me toward it."

no use.

"the word 'blog' is short for 'weblog,'" my cousin chimed in. "people use them to write about all kinds of things."

"i simply can't imagine wanting to air things about my life for a bunch of strangers to read about," mom sighed, following her remark with what i swear was a hint of a 'tsk' sound. "people out there are putting up information about themselves or their kids, or about the things (imagine "things" said with finger quotes) they do."

knowing full well what 'blog' stood for and wanting to tell my mom that my keen research skills had pointed me to the statistic that more than 70 million people worldwide author blogs, according to the most recent data, and that, given the inspiration, she could write one of the more than 75,000 blogs created daily, i considered for a moment speaking up.

but my cousin, whose blog is an account of her struggle to get pregnant and then the evenutal birth of a child, chimed in with her reasoning for creating a blog before i could.

"i look at my blog as a way to get support from people going through similar situations," she said. "i feel like i've made friends with people i may never get to meet in real life, but that doesn't mean i don't feel connected to them. we can bounce ideas off each other, or just say we support each other. and honestly, i think of these people as friends."

"i agree. completely," i thought.

and sometimes, i wanted to add, i've found a blog is simply a way to get the words out of your head into a space where they can take flight. where they can stretch and grow. where maybe they'll strike a chord or make someone smile. where they might provoke a response leading to a discussion. or where they might simply sit, which is just as good, because sometimes, i simply do just need to get my thoughts out and have nowhere else to go with them.

but i didn't say it, because i'm not kidding when i say i don't wish for my family or friends to find this site. why the covert action? what some might call an apparent embarrassment and shame?

honestly, i don't know.

i'm obviously not what one could classify a "sex blogger" (merely for the simple fact that i reserve those topics when offering up tantalizing replies to other people's blogs). i have no apparent agenda when it comes to this stumbling block titled '...for a different kind of girl,' as evidenced by the fact that many of my posts are these rambling dissertations i pull from the left rear quadrant of my brain and then hit 'publish.' i don't know that i fall into a "mommy blog" or a "relationship blog" category, either, despite having written about my children and my husband.

i think i'm a "rambling blogger," at best. at worst, i'm a "we simply don't get you, but you say you you have a kick ass rack, so we're going to take that at face value, and by face value we mean we're hoping, simply hoping, that one day you'll prove it" kind of blogger. which, i suppose, isn't really the worse thing i could do as a blogger. the writing part, mind you. not so much the showing off my stuff part (curses! foiled again! though admit it. it was a perfect opportunity to slip in some more 'grease.' you're welcome, btw).

before i started writing here, i read blogs. i very well may have skimmed a few of yours. then, at the encouragement (prodding) of someone i'd read, started a dialogue with and consider a friend, i ventured out toward the creation of this. until last fall, i hadn't written anything of any worth to anyone in more than five years. there are some days here where i feel i'm still not doing so, but those of you coming along for the ride graciously say nice things, make up interesting names for me, and have become support systems and friends. and i dig it. it's safe and honest and what have you. i'm not so sure it would be the same with my friends and family, because i sometimes think we're quicker to judge those closest to us.

i probably haven't gone to great pains to make this site as anonymous as it could be, but i have opted not to directly name myself, my children or my friends and family members here simply because i realize that if i can be found out there by someone doing a google search of anything from "different kinds of panties for my girlfriend" to "chuck e. cheese nightmare," i could be unearthed by any one of my "real life" acquaintances using any random point of interest i may have.

like my mom. and truly, my mom and i can't even say "i love you" to the other comfortably, so i'm pretty sure i don't wish her to discover my obvious love of aquatic mammals and the various toys that make me oh so happy. or aghast at my ability to multitask. or 'tsk' about the stunning way i can turn simple and pure things into a double entendre.

(as a public service, allow me to remind you again that i am not a "sex blogger." despite the above mother/daughter cringe-worthy examples. my hope is you'll keep coming back because of or in spite of that fact. there's nearly 100 posts contained within this blog. surely something will strike you. thank you)

anyway, long story short, i keep myself veiled here because i don't want to have to explain to my friends and family why i sometimes inject parts of their involvement in my life here in my writing for others to read. because i don't wish to listen to my mother question why i would air aspects of my life for people she'd call "strangers" to judge or cheer. because i don't think you can make people who don't have blogs understand when you make a case for the fact that the people you can connect with through your writing, in a sense, become friends. i don't have any qualms or opinions on whether you as the author of your own blog chooses to do so on a less anonymous basis. i read many of you who do. i respect everyone's choice in the matter.

and i'm still going to pretend i'm stupid when the word "blog" gets bantered (again with the 'b' words!) around with my friends and family.

especially my mom, because i learned from the best (one last time...).