'fitting you with weapons in the form of words...'

• why is it that when i saw this blog had been unearthed via the google search 'mike rowe dirty bitch' i actually thought to myself "dream job, baby!"
• why is it necessary to say "thought to myself," anyway? is "thought" alone not obvious?
• for a former editor, i have no love affair with brevity.
• as a society, does anyone really need a toothbrush that play the hits of kiss and the village people as an incentive to have them brush longer? it creeps me out. i despise the black eyed peas. having to listen to "let's get it started" while spending two minutes on my molars would be akin to death.
• were the discovery channel's planet earth series a film we had to watch in 11th grade science class, i'd have been all up in a notebook, planning out my wedding to simon le bon and trying to stay awake. instead, as a grown up, i'm mesmerized by it, all 'oooh!' and "aww' at nearly every scene. if you aren't watching this, prepare to have me hunt you down and pin you to your couch sunday night.
• speaking of nature, why is it the males in the animal kingdom, of nearly every shape, size and type, are the ones doing all the work at attracting the females, but as humans, it seems we females go to the extremes to get a little bit of attention from the males? backwards? indeed.
• you'd probably be as amazed as i am at the number of "animals having sex" clips there are on youtube. god. i hope you're only amazed, if you catch my drift.
• i only discovered this fact upon doing some scientific research. and watching a tremendous amount of neil diamond clips.
• one more "planet earth" thing (you are watching it, right? do i really have to be at your house sunday night? ok, fine. you better have snacks and diet mountain dew) what in the hell was god's grand scheme that he's putting cute little white bunnies and delicate little birds into creation and then deciding antarctica is where they're destined to map out their days? and is there a wolf and/or fox stalking every known territory in the world? bad ass, i'll give them that, but kinda fickle these wolves and foxes.
• obviously i need to look into a 12 step program to wean myself off of the discovery channel. as a teenager, i never dreamt there would be a day in my life when i would live without watching music videos (ever. as mrs. simon le bon, it would have been unheard of!). now, as a crotchety old person, i'm all up on the discovery channel as though it was crack for people who want to act like they know something, but only get their smarts off the television.
• because of that, i want to know who the hell grows up and legitimately wants to be a crab boat fisherman. those "deadliest catch" dudes have my respect. i think they're not altogether right in the head, some of them, but they've earned the respect
• i get a little tingly inside when i discover someone else digs 'the deadliest catch' and we can gush about it together
• i miss mike rowe. honest to god mike rowe. not just his voice or his ford truck commercials. i want dirty, dirty mike rowe back.
• there was a time in my life when i did dirty things in a ford truck.
• speaking of which, it's good to know that when someone types in "different kinds of cock" that your blog is the first to come up in a google search. this is particularly good when you consider i've used "cock" maybe three times total in posts
• i feel like i should apologize for using the word "cock" in this post now, ensuring i'll definitely get lots of hits for similar searches in the future. forgive me
• because i more often call it by other names. like beauregard
• one more thing about nature. at the store, we're stocking the paperback release of al gore's 'an inconvenient truth' on a big old display. in the children's department. only in the children's department. so basically, what we want to do is terrify your children as they browse pictures of the devastation that could be caused by the melting of the polar ice caps. however, near the display is an assortment of 'happy feet' activity books, allowing them to rest assured that penguins will be blissfully unaffected, as long as they can talk, dance and sing about the fate of our environment.
• which, if they watched "planet earth" these penguins would learn they don't have much to be dancing and singing about when a seal comes to call. seals don't give a rats's ass about penguins when they're hungry.
• did that sound smart? i learned that from watching television.
• ky intrigue personal lubricant commercial. this should be about all i have to say about this, but i'm wordy, so therefore, let me say a couple things. why does this thing annoy me and yet fascinate me so? is it the idea of seven hours of sexual activity and toying alluded to within? not too shabby, my friends. is it clothes scattered throughout the house and being pressed into the shower door? even less shabby. but it pisses me off, too, because seriously, there's not a time i can recall ever needing a personal lubricant that puts in a full days work, minus a lunch and two breaks. that and the overt use of every trite public relations phrase used on the website to describe the product (though, truly, i may have come close to orgasm just reading about the shape of the bottle).
• of course i requested a sample. hope it comes with a coupon.
• i have to assume that screaming "fuck" while driving a minivan registered to a pastor is probably a straight shot ticket to hell, and that screaming it many (many!) times while also pounding on the steering wheel and yelling myself hoarse might just prompt god himself to assemble a team of angels to install a well-greased chute straight to the fiery bowels.
• i suppose this is where i tell those of you who think that's where you're going to look for me. i'll be wearing my chucks and a belly dance hip scarf.
• and no doubt i'll meet up with someone who has found me by searching google for 'different kinds of beauregard."
• if you must know, this is me avoiding ftn's questions for me.
• my goal is to mention that guy in at least two out of every three blog posts.
• but now, it's time to go to bed. simon and mike await (and maybe some beauregard), and i have crab to get up and catch in the morning after dancing with the penguins.