...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

'gonna dress you up in my love'

Despite recent evidence to the contrary, I truly am not a very creative person. What you might call creative I'd argue is actually perfectionism. Sweet, irritating, incredibly out of control perfectionism.

As a result of this lack of creativity, and ironically, despite the perfectionism, my children have never had homemade Halloween costumes to wear on their quests for delicious chocolaty treasures for their father and me. It's not as though I've never wanted to make a costume for my kids. Every autumn, I browse the Internet and flip the pages of FamilyFun magazine, marveling at what you can do with a couple giant cardboard boxes, dryer vent tubing, and a can of spray paint. Then, when I'm done marveling, I go downstairs and pull out the costumes I bought on clearance at Target the year before. What I lack in creativity I make up for in frugality.

As I'm wont to do in most areas of my life, I blame my lack of costume creativity on my Mom. Each Halloween, with visions of princesses dancing in our heads, my sister and I would turn to face the mirror to see how our Mom had worked her fairy godmother magic upon us, only to find ourselves sporting ashen beards, dark circles under our eyes, and various scars.

"Down on our luck hobos AGAIN!?" we'd cry, and Mom would smile.

One year, thinking I'd caught her in a weak moment, Mom agreed to let me wear an old bridesmaid dress she had hanging in her closet. Caught up in the excitement of the idea, she soon had plans for me to wear one of her old wigs and to do my make up with beautiful eyes and a tiny mole dabbed on my cheek. I was thrilled at the prospect of shocking my neighbors into giving me extra candy when they opened their doors to find me standing there, beautiful and quite non-hoboesque. That night, wig on and dress stuffed, Mom sat me down to complete my look. Twenty minutes later, I turned to face the mirror and realized that the powder I thought she was using to set my face was actually an ashen five o'clock shadow that had been enhanced by the addition of a garish scars.

"Down on my luck hobo bridesmaid?" I asked. Mom just smiled at our reflections in the mirror. I couldn't smile, what with the sad hobo eyes all. Also, I feared that if I actually smiled, she'd grab my face and attempt to blacken my front teeth with her eyeliner pencil.

I gave up trick or treating shortly after that, and didn't don a costume again until my freshman year of college, when I went to a Halloween party with my fellow yearbook staff (ain't no party like a yearbook staff party! Hey! Ho!). Out from under my Mom's hobo thumb, I reveled in my opportunity to finally take control of my costume choices, which were (a) hobo or (b) condom.

I went as a condom.

Except actually, I went as a penis wearing a condom.

Because, unlike a hobo, which I'd seen before, I thought it would be oh, so hilarious to dress up like something I'd not yet gotten up close and personal with yet at that point in life. Good thing most hobos and most penises are bearded, so I had that part of the costume down.

Clad in a pink sweater and pink tights (heh), I assembled my costume by tugging a giant, clear garbage bag over my head, rolling up the ends a bit and declaring myself dressed for my pleasure. What I failed to do was poke any holes in my costume for airflow (because who wants a holey condom, right?), so I was a rather sweaty condom-clad penis by the time we got to the party. Nothing says 'Hey, you're pretty damn smart!' like putting a giant plastic bag over your head and then laughing so hard you nearly pass out from the lack of oxygen.

There are photos of me in this costume. I'd show you, but, well, I'm pretty sure I don't want the first glimpse some of you of me to be dressed as a giant, condom-clad penis. Because I'm not kidding about the giant part. Having enjoyed the vast array of goods available at the student cafeteria during the first few weeks of college I'd pudged up a bit my freshman year, and the resulting pounds added some weight to the argument some have that girth is better than length.

The condom costume was my last foray into homemade costumes. It's because of that ridiculous rubber get-up that my kids must pay the price because I firmly believe the lack of air I got that night under that plastic bag killed what few creative brain cells I had.

However, the way I see it, thanks to a lack of condoms, I have two kids, and those two kids are going to go out in their clearance-priced costumes tomorrow night and they're going to set me up nicely with the Fun Size snacks, because, come Halloween, I'm totally a fan of girth.

Labels:

49 Comments:

Blogger flutterby said...

I totally sputtered about the Non-Holey-Condom get up. You are a rockstar, Fadkog!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I hear you in the creativity department. I, too, surf the web weeks before halloween, and then due to lack of planning the year before, wind up paying way too much for a cheap batman costume for my 6 year old. I am going to my first Halloween party in years and still have no clue what I'm going to dress as. Oh, how I wish I could borrow my baby's bumble bee footie jammies with the antenna on top!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

OMG how much do I love that you use the word "wont"? SOOO MUCH!! We are destined to be BFFs forEVAAAHH!!

(Said the clown hooker to the condom.)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Too funny about the girth! What kills me most are the entire families who dress up like characters from Wizard of Oz and such. I didn't learn how to sew like that in 7th grade home ec!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

That story warmed my heart ... and made me laugh a lot.

BTW there's a great post at VE's Fantastical Nonsense about pets costumes - some unbelievable pics.

Not creative? Yeah right!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Must. . . not. . . mention. . . old. . . joke. . . about. . . doing pushups until you puke. . .

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:51:00 AM  
OpenID abdpbt said...

I was about to ask how you could breathe, and then you explained that--of course--you couldn't. LOL

Nice costumes.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:52:00 AM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

LOL'ing at the mental imagery, heheh.

Hilarious post!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

LOL...lucky you didn't fall to the ground, limp.

Luckily, my son is usually into whatever we pick up for a costume.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

that is hilarious!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:33:00 AM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

My 6 year old is Dorothy and I BEGGED her to let me make her costume, but she wanted me to BUY it. IDK if i would have been as cool as condoms and hobos though.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Growing up in the northeast - Halloween sucked. No matter it a homemade or store bought costume, we always had to wear a coat under it, and usually gloves and a hat. Imagine opening the door to the Stay Puf'd marshmellow dressed as a cheerleader or princess or superhero...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger cIII said...

A "Down on Your Luck Hobo Bridesmaid" is a kick-ass Costume. Your mother is obviously some sort of Genius.

My last Homemade Costume was a 'Badly Rolled Joint'.

Awesome as well.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I like your honesty. So many parents don't admit they're sending their children out into the night to gather candy from themselves and not the wee ones.

I'm a fan of those plastic face costumes with the plastic shirt. I don't think they make them anymore. Might've banned them because kids couldn't breath OR see through the tiny hole cut in the masks.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger MadWoman said...

Oh the visions running through my head right now.

For years I was either a clown, or a harlequin. Which is really rather like a clown isn't it? My mother didn't have much creativity left in her either.

When I got older I perfected the "sexy bar wench" look. Which by the end of the night probably looked rather like your hobo bridesmaid.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:52:00 PM  
OpenID blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh my god, I think we may very well be long lost sisters. I was a hobo so many times. We NEVER had store bought costumes (except for the year my brother talked my mom into a Boba Fett costume). This cracked me up.

Also, I am firm in my belief that it takes some creativity to find a great costume in the clearance aisle.

Hobos unite!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:53:00 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

We were bums often for halloween - except the year my kid brother confused hobo with homo.

I died, and ruined a perfectly good cup of coffee reading about the condom costume...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 1:16:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

Oh honey, you have my email, right? Go ahead and mail mama those condom pictures. Come on baby, you know you wanna.
;)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Kori said...

OMG, this is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard, for a variety of reasons. I was a pirate three years in a row (coffee ground wiskers!) and a withc for another three-and I have hated to dress up ever since. I also hold out for all the good candy, because I don't buy candy otherwise. And I also tend to prefer girth. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

What you do, see, is you get yourself an idea man, see? And he comes up with all the ideas, and you stand back and take all the glory, see?

Why did I suddenly start talking like a 1920s gangster??

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 2:02:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm glad you survived the condom outfit, though it sounds like it was a close thing.

Did anyone ask what you'd come as?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 2:29:00 PM  
Blogger manic mariah said...

I'm all about throwing this shit costumes together at the last minute. My mom always made me the best costumes. I suck at costume making

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 2:33:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

OH. MY. GOD. My mom made me go as a hobo every year too...I was thinking about that just today and laughing. I'm so glad there was another person out there like me.

Can you imagine doing that now? Only it would be dressing up like a homeless person...people would kill you for your un-PC stance!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 3:46:00 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I would totally love to have my first glimpse of you be the condom college pic! You had me rolling with the girth remarks!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 4:11:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I bet you were an absolutely adorable condom clad penis :) I bet the men around here are going to chastise me for calling any penis adorable. I think that is generally an insult to the male persuasion.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 5:16:00 PM  
Blogger DCD said...

Right there with you on the non-homemade costumes. My Mom did participate in that until I decided I wanted "cooler" stuff.

One year a friend had given her a couple of dresses (probably cast off bridesmaids as well.) My friend Jessica and I were so excited to dress up in them. I found out years later that my Mom was saying we were dressing up as "Ladies of the Night." Nice.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:13:00 PM  
Blogger Jenni said...

Hobos get asked to be bridesmaids too! Right?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:32:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Human condom!!!! Bwuahaha!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:38:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I'm thinking "chode" for next year's Halloween!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:53:00 PM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I was never a condom. But I did win a Rocky Horror Picture Show contest once. No, it wasn't Halloween.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 8:07:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

There's some kind of auto-erotic asphyxiation joke waiting to be made here, but I'll be damned if I'm the one to do it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

So, it had to be Heinous to make the "limp" joke here. I salute you, o' queen of the latex. I'm guessing that it was as a safe sex advertisement or something. And the Hobo thing? My husband was always a hobo growing up. Year after year. He hates coffee to this day because his mom would smear his face with coffee grounds to make his little beard.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I think you should throw caution to the wind and dress up as a diaphragm this year. And any and all pictures taken MUST be posted!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 10:54:00 PM  
Blogger TattooedMinivanMom said...

I didn't even know dryer vents had tubing??

You reminded me of something about the Halloween party where I met my husband. A friend dressed up as John Wayne Bobbit. He wore a white robe with a bloody front and carried a dildo in his pocket. He swung that thing everywhere!...the dildo too... That's what Steenky Bee said.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

That's fricken hilarious....a condom! lol

Mmmmm, kid's candy!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 12:54:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

"Down on my luck hobo bridesmaid?" might've been the saddest thing I've ever read on the web. But at least your mom tried; we just got the plastic mask and polyester jumpsuit costumes that were like $2.99 at the drugstore.

Thursday, October 30, 2008 8:20:00 AM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

Hey I'm just stalking you early today. Sorry I stopped by so late. I wish you would wrap me up in your love though. When Obama wins I can't wait to marry you and live in sin. Socialism and Liberal Gays! Yay!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

For a couple years as a kid, I went as some horrible fat clown-slash-hobo combination. Sweat pants and an oversized striped shirt with some pillows stuffed inside, with some makeup and creepy glasses.

Sadly, it took me 25 years to finally find a fantastic name for this Halloween character.

And through my teenage years, I usually ended up as the down-on-my-luck hobo, too, just because it was the early 90s, and ripped jeans and flannel were plentiful.

I'll be waiting for the condom pictures in my PO box, by the way.

Thursday, October 30, 2008 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

No you definitely don't want a holey condom!

A knew a couple freshman-in-college guys who dressed in white tights and turtlenecks with little white tails. They each wore a nametag: Fallop and Ian. They were sperm. You would have fit right in. (I was John Waite and my friend was Cindi Lauper - it was 1984. Or is that painfully obvious? I ain't missing those days at all.)

Thursday, October 30, 2008 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Homemade costumes? PUH-LEASE!

I cannot believe you were brave enough to be a penis-how hilarious-you were proabably a riot in college!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

If I had a kid who didn't demand costumes such as a naked sole and Australian spotted jellyfish, I wouldn't make a homemade costume either.

Thursday, October 30, 2008 2:24:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

My brothers were hobos a lot :)

A penis-in-a-condom. Now that's original :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Can't stop laughing!! Girl, you are just crazy.

Thursday, October 30, 2008 6:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anita Doberman said...

So funny! Really! Can you hear me laugh? Love the post!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 9:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

and this is why I am glad we don't do Halloween here in Oz.

More cash for shoes you see.

Now where is the damn photo woman!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 9:53:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I wondered where the creativity went... It all makes sense now!!!

So can you set us up with some email love of girthy condom clad penisness if you wont post it for all the internets to see? You dont want our imaginations to run wild now do you? Because we havent had plastic bags cutting off our creative brain cells!

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Friday, October 31, 2008 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

A condom-clad penis is way more original than the costume choice of so many college girls: sexy cop, sexy cat, sexy nurse, ect basically just take any costume and add "sexy" before and voila! Halloween: the one time a year it's acceptable to dress like a whore and wear lingerie in public!

Saturday, November 01, 2008 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

flutterby - Goodness! I haven't seen you around the world in so very long! Good to see you here!

Chas - My grand dreams of creativity typically exhaust me. My children, alas, bear the brunt of my exhaustion.

bejewell - Hooker clowns rock. So does the word 'wont.' Thus, we rock. Woo hoo!

Cocotte - I'd not be able to convince my husband to dress up even if I used trickery, so, while I, too, question those families, I'm curious how it came to pass.

Chris - Thank you, although lately, seriously, the creativity is quite sporadic.

Des - Excellent restraint! I thank you! :)

abdpbt - I clearly didn't think out the costume very well, which is a problem that still plagues me in life today.

goodfather - Honestly, it's a pretty hideous image! Thanks!

heinous - Heh, heh, heh... :)

Heather - Thank you! :)

kd - Dorothy I'd never be able to make. Hobos? Well, I'm quite skilled at the classic hobo look!

Swirl girl - Most photos of me from Halloween include my massive winter coat hiding whatever hobo look I had going on. It also seemed ironic, since really, what self-respecting hobo had a nice winter coat?

ciii - So incredibly awesome!

Meg - I had one of those plastic mask costumes once as a child. Guess what it was. A hobo. Seriously.

Madwoman - You seriously can't go wrong with the defeated bridesmaid look.

BC - If you can make a costume out of what is left in the aisles of Target after things are marked down, you truly are a genius, and I love the challenge!

kate - I don't know how to make coffee, but I promise I'll make it up to you!

sherendipity - I assure you, they are not pretty pictures!

kori - I never was a witch, ever, which is really surprising when you consider what a great fall-back costume idea that is for a parent.

ES - OMG! I LOVE talking like a 1920s gangster, which you wouldn't realize here because the comment is lacking that element, but I swear to you it's true!

Brian - Luckily, to avoid any confusion, I carried a sign advocating safe sex. Always be prepared! That's my motto as well as a condom's motto!

Mariah - I completely suck at the costume making. I hope my kids don't resent me for it one day!

stiletto mom - You know, now that you mention it, I think you're right. It certainly explains the lack of hobos you see out at Halloween.

Chuck - The effects of a lot of bagels with extra cream cheese can be seen in those photos, I assure you. They're pretty bad!

kat - I think calling a penis adorable is adorable. ;)

dcd - It's a special moment when your mom says you are dressed like a hooker, even if it's just for Halloween. ;)

jenni - I've been a bridesmaid enough times to believe your theory is true!

laggin - 'twas a supersize condom!

aunt becky - I had to Google 'chode.' So, that was fun. ;)

Meg - I've a friend who can rock out a really great Frank N. Furter!

twobusy - OMG! I didn't even think about that, but now?! Awesome! Awesome and scary and sad. Mostly awesome, though.

steenky bee - This use of coffee grounds to make whiskers is entirely new to me, yet so many of you have mentioned it! My mom never used that to make my hobo beard. It was always dark smudged eyeliner and dots for the whiskers. I do hate me some coffee, though!

Sammanthia – With my vast knowledge of birth controlled-themed costumes, I could probably work something like that up!

Tattooedminivanvanmom – The John Wayne Bobbitt costume is a no-fail. Well, it might today, as no one might know what it was, but I find it hilarious!

Choppzs – It’s now been four days since trick or treat here, and I’m proud to say I’ve staye out of my kids’ candy stash. I can’t promise how long I’ll be able to keep that up, though!

Chag – Ah, it was a hard-knock life for me!

Steenky bee – Tuesday’s our day, honey! I can’t wait for us to be together forever or until Congress declares our love evil.

FTN - Look for the photos to arrive sometime this week, clownboy.

bunny - That idea is so utterly awesome that I wish I could toss out my "I'm not creative" mantra and dress my boys up like that for next Halloween. Because that wouldn't be weird or creepy in the least! Heh. ;)

Christina - I was a far, far funnier penis when I started being the inebriated penis. Ah, good times. :)

Heather - Goodness, woman, those costumes you made were super creative. I'd have been all, "Are you sure you don't just want to be a hobo?"

wethyb - You do what you can with what you have when you're a broke college student!

heather - That's why people either love me or just want to hug me!

Anita - I thought I heard something I hadn't heard before! Thanks for coming over!

kelley - I had no idea that Australians didn't do Halloween! See?! Who says the Internet is just for bitching in blogs and for porn?! I learned something today!

lori - I can see the image in my head of what's in that photo, and believe me, the Internet is a far, far safer place not seeing it! :)

tulip - I took my boys to McDonald's Friday night for dinner and in walked a girl with thigh highs and stripper shoes and a teenie tiny dress. The boys were mesmerized and curious, and I was just wishing we'd gone through the drive-through instead!

Sunday, November 02, 2008 4:53:00 PM  
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