...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

remind me not to ask twitter if i should jump off a cliff

Earlier today, I was cleaning my basement, which is something I like to do when it's finally nice outside, I have a day off work, and it's only the eighth day of summer vacation so ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh (gasping for air), ha ha ha ha ha, it's so very unlikely my kids will destroy the place again within minutes using just the power of their minds, a million tiny board game pieces scattered like confetti around the room even though we never seem to play games (like you even have to ask), and an errant bag of microwave popcorn I kept telling myself was OK for them to eat down there, but I knew better. Oh, yes. I knew better...

Long opening paragraph short, it was sarcastically delightful. I'm a wee bit anal, so the chaos had me feeling out of control. Also, my use of the word 'anal' is a lovely, yet sad coincidence to the story I'm eventually going to tell. Check it - I'd chastised my oldest son about the condition of the basement, using words like "crime scene" and "this must be what Hell's like." As I concluded with "It's like you two come down here and morph into apes, flinging pooh around your cage!" I reached into a small trash can (apparently fitted with an invisible trash blocking lid) to toss the lucky detritus that had found its way in when my fingers melted into something damp. I think we all can agree that when you blindly touch something damp and, oh, did I also mention soft, our mind immediately goes to someplace sinister. Mine definitely did. It also instantly switched into survival mode. Fearing the worst, I looked skyward and begged God, "Please, please, please...don't let this be..." as I pulled my digits from the quicksand of questionable origin. Before I could even finish my prayer, I was punched in the face by the odor. Like Captain Kirk unleashing his frustrations, I gritted my teeth and screamed "POOOOOH!!!!!"

I lost my...well...I think you can fill in the blank there with a word some people use to refer to what I'd just stuck my hand in to best describe what I misplaced. Contrary to this lengthy story-telling buildup, I had no words. I live with three males. I wash enough horrifying underwear every week that I've become numb to the experience. But this? I...don't...even...want...to...know. I tweeted about it, but no one responded, so clearly, they didn't want to know, either (so it's weird I'm writing this, huh?).

After I collected myself and dump (ha! also a perfectly coincidental use of an appropriate for the situation word) the offending bag of crap (which also included things I typically refer to AS crap, such as Happy Meal toys, mega balls, and Bakugan cards), I trudged back down to finish the evil I'd unleashed. Nearing the end of my task, I picked up a plastic bag littering the stairs and noticed it had a bit of heft to it. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson, but no. I stuck my hand straight down that thing like a vet reaching into a birthing cow to pull a calf's legs, and what did I emerge with this time?

An unopened bag of peanut M&Ms! JOY AND HAPPINESS AND BLISS!! Much like the pooh that preceded it, I tweeted my discovery, asking my mysterious friends if they, faced with a discovery like mine, and knowing the candy belonged to a child who'd apparently forgotten about said goodness (my crime scene reenactment placed the M&Ms in my house sometime between March 30 and April 4), would shove the candy down their gullet. Of course, I issued the proper warnings. This time, the responses were mighty. I was advised to eat them and never look back. I was also informed that the statute of limitations was clearly up I (I'm looking at you, solid Dove chocolate Easter rabbit STILL in my house!), and that possession is 9/10ths of the law. Thus, I took it upon myself to declare this "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers Day" and I poured those chocolaty nuggets of peanutty goodness into my belly.

I know you can't imagine how this story could possibly get any better than it already is, but just wait, because it does! Soon after my candy discovery, I unearthed several little plastic bags filled with money that were knotted up and scattered throughout the basement! It wouldn't take a CSI team to uncover the rightful owners of the property I'd discovered, but Twitter once again reminded me of the malfeasance (or, one might say 'the malfeces' if one were me) that had been unleashed upon me today, and encouraged me to pocket all of it and feign ignorance. After some mulling over the Internet's reasons, I decided my kids owed me for today, so for clarification on what I did with those treasures, please turn to Section 23, Article 4 of the "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers Day" rule book to the top of the page titled "You Win Some, You Lose Some," or to Section 58, Article 9 - "Too Bad, So Sad." Additional clarity can also be found in the "Sorry, Charlie!" clause.

-------------------------



"My, you have quite manly hands, Fadkog. In fact, your hands look like that of a man who works hard, perhaps 'rasslin' gator or tossing spherical orbs of fire on to unsuspecting wrongdoers. Might you use some of those quarters to get yourself a nice womanly manicure? Perhaps a massage? That death grip your hand's in would seem to indicate you're perhaps under a little stress, though I'm sure it's not because the Internet just mocked your man hands."

-------------------------

That's $8 in quarters there, friends! Eight smackers! Not pictured? The penny I also found, making today's haul almost what my hourly wage at the bookstore is, and trust me, I deal with some pooh there, too, and I ain't all just Winnie the Pooh, my friends (rim shot)! Notice how my control issues rendered me incapable of leaving the candy unopened before taking the photo? Notice also how the quarters are scattered in what almost appears to be an arrow pointing to the M&M bag, as if to encourage me to put the camera down and indulge accordingly? That George Washington in front is all "I cannot tell a lie, so, um, yeah, you better eat these M&Ms and bank me and all my buddies here pronto if you think you're going to get away with this sweet caper, Clyde Barrow." While taking that photo, my oldest son ran inside and heaven help me, I threw a pillow atop my (questionably stolen) loot and actually whistled while staring innocently skyward. Had he come equipped with a polygraph machine, I may have ran through the house screaming "You'll never take me alive, copper!"

The moral of this story is twofold - Twitter has has some very loose and highly questionable morals, and also, if you dig deep enough, even the crappiest day can turn out to be a pretty happy one...unless you're a kid jonesing for some chocolate and discovers (a) his candy is missing and (b) he's suddenly too broke to go buy some, in which case, remind that kid of subcategory 45-B (aka - the "Ain't That A Shame" amendment) in the "Finder's Keepers, Losers Weepers Day" bylaws, which states "Sometimes having one's hand coated in pooh not of one's making means never having to say you're sorry."

Just wash said hand before you dig into that delicious candy.

Labels:

26 Comments:

Blogger unmitigated me said...

I'm just wondering what would have been in the little scattered bags if the cash was in the trash can.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 8:46:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Oh dear lord. This is quite a haul. Am CERTAIN you washed your hands in between the two incidents, right? The cow birthing reference was priceless... as was this entire post!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 8:54:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

Wait, did they poop in the garbage can? Or did they put it there afterwards? I feel like we need a CSI type investigation.

Really, kudos on the candy and cash, but I can't get past the poop.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 9:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Pgoodness said...

Finders keepers, losers weepers bylaws....perfection!!!

Also, yes, candy was rightfully yours and the money? Well, they probably got it from you, so really, it still is yours. :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 9:52:00 PM  
Blogger just making my way said...

I am now actually sorry that I don't follow twitter. Because clearly this day is the Grand Poo-bah (Hee!) of all days!

Enjoy that chocolate and all those many, many quarters, FADKOG. Anyone who had to deal with unexpected poop hand is cleared for take-off.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Hmmmm. . .

Eight bucks in quarters AND a bag of (Peanut, no less!) M&Ms, on the one hand. . .

Dipping your hand into poop, on the other. . .

I'd say the Universe still owes you some. . .

Altho, yeah - I'm wonderin' how the poop got into the trash, too. . .

An' yeef - it's like All Poop & Butts, All the Time around here lately, ain't it?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Turn that brown upside down?! I kept wondering if you washed your hands in between finding the poo and eating the M&Ms.

If you use twitter as your moral compass, you could end up in the slam.

Thursday, June 17, 2010 4:58:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

The difference between your house & mine: my kids have actually thrown cash and gift cards away AND I would have spent the rest of the day questioning every person who'd ever been within 20 ft. of my basement about the poop.

Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:23:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Mmmmmmm candy... and lust for you!

Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:27:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm just so, so very happy you washed your hands first.

*phew!*

Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:35:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Wow. I have a hard enough time eating Baby Ruths after "Caddyshack," now all these new images ...

Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Thank goodness you managed to find some good in cleaning out hte basement. 8.01 and peanut M&M's seems like a fair price for touching poo.

Thursday, June 17, 2010 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger The Invisible Seductress said...

Never a dull day with kids around!! Ha !! I am glad you got such a great reward. hugs

Thursday, June 17, 2010 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Sheeesh, gotta love the rug-rats huh? Good job on the candy & quarters though, and I'm so glad you remembered to consult the manual!

Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:54:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Doooode. Poo? Clearly I was not meant to be a mother of the male variety, yet sadly I am. And I am not going in the playroom again until September at least.

Thursday, June 17, 2010 7:30:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

As the saying goes, "You can't make this shit up."

Why, oh why, is there shit in your garbage can?

At least it's IN the garbage can.

Was it HUMAN shit?

Do you own a dog?

Score! on the M & M's!

Score! on the quarters!

Of course, in this household, it would be used to go to the laundromat to wash said crappy underwear.

I'm much rather use the quarters in slot machines.

You deserved EVERY BIT of the chocolate and quarters.

No guilt here.

Friday, June 18, 2010 3:44:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

$8 dollars in quarters and a bag of peanut M&Ms in the basement beats a pen cap, melted chapstick, and a hershey kiss from the dryer any day!!

Call it your hazard pay...

You need to publish your rule book!

Saturday, June 19, 2010 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

I think we should be Facebook friends. I realize you are too cool for me but I can handle it if you can. My contact info is on my blog. We owe the world this union of superpowers. And I love you. What more could you ask for in FB friend???

Saturday, June 19, 2010 10:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I, like others, am deeply disturbed about the poo in the garbage can.

Poo should be on the walls, like in my house.

Sunday, June 20, 2010 2:16:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

There is something about you, something magnificent, that keeps me reading even after you've flung your hand in poo.

It occurs to me though that those quarters might have been saved for an arcade. Then again, they might have been for vending machines which are so unhealthy you are doing the original owner a favor by calling on subcategory 45B.

Monday, June 21, 2010 7:06:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

So WHO left the bag of poo in the trash and WHY? Good. God.

Monday, June 21, 2010 7:45:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

Please. PLEASE. Elaborate on the poop. How. Did. It. Get. There? I'm supposed to be studying algebra right now but this is a much more compelling mystery. Maybe they were playing a game of, "whoever leaves the basement first has to stay out for the day."

My best guess.

Monday, June 21, 2010 8:22:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

baby, you EARNED that candy and loot! every chocolatey nugget and every shiny quarter! i'm glad you enjoyed.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

You were fully justified for whatever crimes you were driven to.
However, as soon as you wrote "rim shot" I thought "rim job" for which I place full blame on you, queen of the chocolate/poop stories. So if I ever come visit you, rest assured, I'll be pilfering any M&Ms I come across.

Friday, June 25, 2010 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger The Lady's Lounge said...

I mean really...

If cramming your hand in a can of kid poop isn't worth $8 and a bag of M&Ms, what is?

Saturday, June 26, 2010 3:09:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

HILARIOUS!!! I am following you because of one tiny comment you made under Anna See's blog.

She had mistakingly written "Happy Friday" at the end of a post wrritten on a Wednesday, and you wrote, "I love Wednesday Fridays!" That sneaky comment made me laugh for about 15 minutes at my desk.

Little did I know you were THIS funny!

Monday, June 28, 2010 3:57:00 PM  

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