if you don't hear from me for a few days, hope for the best, but expect the worst
I came home from work an hour ago to find my husband and sons missing.
I know what some of you might think (How? Why, thanks to my amazing power of thought stealing, of course! Bwahahahaha!) if you were to come home and find your loved ones (and your husband)(it's been a long week, friends)(Wait...it's only Tuesday? Damn...) absent from your home.
You'd think aliens abducted them!
Trust me, it was the first thought that crossed my mind, too.
No, I take that back. My first thought was "Well, it's good to see the mess they all created yesterday, the mess I'm purposely NOT picking up so they learn to be responsible, is still scattered throughout the place! Nice. Reeeeaaaal nice."
THEN I thought aliens.
OK, that's not true. After bitching about the mess, checking to see if anyone had found the stash of peanut M&Ms I have hidden behind the Tupperware, changing into a pair of shorts, and clearing out voice mail messages, THEN I thought aliens had swooped down from the heavens and taken my family. Personally, I think it's the aliens navigating that mysterious glowing sausage that was spotted floating over China last week. I think they want to probe my children's knowledge of video games for new and exciting offerings from Nintendo, offerings that will hopefully be available for purchase in time for Christmas 2011!
I honestly couldn't imagine what aliens might want with my husband, even after spending this past hour mulling it over. The only conclusion I've come up with is maybe they want to harvest the vast knowledge of space and space civilization he's gleaned from hours spent watching ScyFy channel programming. Seems plausible.
Then, of course, I remembered. They left this afternoon for their Second Annual Testosterone Throwdown (and fossil hunt)!
So, do you know what that means?
If you said "You're going to spend the next two days fighting for your survival and trying not to freak out by every damn noise you hear when it gets dark and poor whittle baby has to go to bed?" then see what I mean? I TOTALLY CAN STEAL YOUR THOUGHTS!!
Of course, that's exactly what I'll be doing. Trying to stay alive while alone in my house. Listen. I know it's tempting to drop everything you're doing right now, Google Earth my exact location, marvel at the caulk jobs Tool Man has done to the house over the years by basking in the site's street view option, stop at a convenience store for Cheetos and Red Bull, and then drive like a maniac for the next 4 to 26 hours until you arrive at my front door, pound on it, and successfully scare the ever-lovin' bejesus out of me, but I'm begging you, think twice. Then think two more times. Between the Chinese UFO and not one, but two chupacabra sightings in Texas last week, well, I think we all know it's just a matter of time before my much feared Bigfoot comes to stand under the streetlight I look toward when I peek out my bedroom window every night before bed.
Oh, mark my words, friends, it will happen one day. I just pray a Loch Ness monster doesn't rise out of the man made lake across the street from my house first.
"Great. So NOW what are we going to do with our time?" you're thinking now (do I really need to explain this to you a third time?). "We can't come hang out with and/or scare the hell out of you, you probably wouldn't share your peanut M&M stash with us, and listen, if we're being honest here, we're just as scared of Bigfoot as you are, so tell us, what can we do now?"
Glad you asked.
Please, please, please go visit me at Polite Fictions! Remember that awesome collaborative fiction site I'm part of with a band of awesome writers who keep me around because they're wacky? Click on that link and go read my newest submission! We're all writing on the theme of "What happens after...", which opens up a ton of ideas. There's just three so far (mine is the third, but please give some love to the ladies who've laid the smack down before me, then return for the gauntlet tossing the rest of my friends will be challenging you). Listen, I know we're all busy, and who needs (exasperated sigh) another (geez!) website to visit, but honestly, do this, please, because it's like a free gift of awesome for you, and you're not even going to think about wanting to return it. Critics call it "Thoughtful AND thought provoking!" and "THIS is why the Internet was invented! Who said it had anything to do with easy access to porn? Did you say that? Well, you're wrong! It's this!"
Did you know I fuh-reak the hell out when it's my turn to write for Polite Fictions? Oh, baby. In fact, to say I freak out is a slap in the face and complete disservice to the word. I go loco. Maybe that's evidenced in what I produce. I don't know. I'm a wee bit of an over-thinker (so as you can imagine, it's exhausting trying to steal my own thoughts), but I could use some feedback on what I've written, so I honestly would love it if you'd take a moment and visit.
I'd also love it if you didn't prank call my house over the next two nights and yell things like "Boo!" or tell me how much you want to do me, because that once happened to me when I lived alone and the dude sounded EXACTLY like my boyfriend at the time, and listen, um, I may have ::finger quotes:: talked ::end finger quotes:: to that stranger about some things I only talked to my old boyfriend about, which probably explains why he'd call every night at 3 a.m., for two weeks solid before I got wise. Oh, yes, I got wise, but that doesn't mean I'm not still a big old weenie (and that may have been part of what I talked about with the stranger...anyway...)
Long story short, please go read my newest attempt at fiction, won't you? Now that I know my family is safe, I'm going to go bask in the quiet and watch what I want to watch. At least while it's still light out.