...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, February 28, 2011

so, that was awkward, huh?

And I'm not just talking about the Oscars, though hoo boy, THAT was three and a half hours of WTF, am I right?!

No, I'm talking about my last post, in which I sort of hinted at kinks in the armor that is my marriage, and then went away for a couple weeks, leaving it to hang there. I've returned a few times since posting that, wanting to flick the offending creature away, but I'd end up staring at the words and thinking of all the things I want to say, but that I don't feel like putting up in a post because, even though we're all nice people (seriously, you all are some truly nice people), we all also know the internet is like that high school upperclassman who, even though you did absolutely nothing to them, likes to torment you for having the audacity to be alive. I like being alive. I do not like the idea of my 'woah is me' words being used against me by someone who doesn't know me. I've gone this long having a blog without that happening, and I'd like to keep it that way.

But I will say yes, things here suck. My marriage is not good right now, and if I were to tell you just how long it's not been good, I'd be embarrassed. And sad. Mostly sad, which is truly how I feel most days, but you don't know that because I go about said days as the "I'm good, how are you?" girl. Here, let me put an exclamation point at the end of everything I say because everything! in! my! world! is! amazing! "You're the funniest person I know," my friends often tell me, and I'm inclined to scream "You clearly don't know enough people!" because I don't feel funny, not even in the slightest. Not even now when I'm going to tell you that over the last two weeks, I've given some thought to what music video might better describe the state of my union than the two posted previously, and I've settled on this one:



Total Eclipse of the Heart. Yep. That's what my marriage feels like right now. A humongous, over the top, angsty mess, but minus the ninjas (also minus the kids with the glowing eyes, but really, who's to say those aren't adequate representations of my own children, or, at the very least, what I remember feeling like growing up as the child of two people who didn't seem to get along for a very long time).

Of course, there's a good chance I'm missing the bigger picture of this song. Sure, one could say it's all about the complexity of love, and isn't that sweet, but then there's this part where, oh yes, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears. I get a little bit angry...a little bit terrified. Over there is a powder keg and yep, look at that! It's giving off sparks! And guess what? I am falling apart.

Good times.

I'm not purposely trying to make light of this situation. There's nothing light about it. This is the curse of being the 'I'm good!' girl.

But I'm not, and so I guess I have to start acting like it.

42 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

I'm sorry. That sucks. :(

Monday, February 28, 2011 8:57:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Hard times, that's rough- (I won't say it'll get better, cuz how the hell would I know that?) I'll send hugs & prayers though, loads of them

Monday, February 28, 2011 10:30:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

You need The Dan Band. Stat.

Monday, February 28, 2011 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

I am so sorry, my friend. . .

{{hugs}}

(praying for you both)

Monday, February 28, 2011 10:47:00 PM  
OpenID bikinfool said...

Been there, working through it, still don't have the t-shirt. Hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for what you need. From anybody.

Sending thoughts of peace & strength your way . . .

Monday, February 28, 2011 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

i wish i had words of comfort for you, but i really don't. only you know if it's worth staying to fight for, or if it's better to walk away. i hope you are able to see your path with clarity.

Monday, February 28, 2011 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

XXXXXXXX
You may not feel particularly funny, but you are undoubtedly smart. Your writing shows that.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 1:20:00 AM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

I don't know how I missed that last one, but I'll echo the sentiments there and here: I'm sorry things are so difficult right now, and hope you find the strength to figure out the best path forward.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 4:34:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Alls I got is cyber-hugs ((((((you)))))

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 4:38:00 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

I don't know the particulars of your marital stress, but I do know that every marriage, even the good ones, is filled with peaks and valleys. I hope this is just a valley and that by working with your spouse you can fix things. If not, I hope you can give yourself permission not to "should" on yourself and do what you can to take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and move forward. Hang in there and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

No advice.....just prayers!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Hugs and good thoughts. My heart goes out to you.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Balls. Sorry to hear things are rough. And I get the Total Eclipse of the Heart reference in a non-light hearted angsty kinda way. that sucks.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

I think the scowl you will add to your face is going to clash horribly with your hair, but if you must, you must. I've always been part of the "better laugh or I'll cry" school of shitty times. Is there a way to reach out for help without having to give up the occasional chuckle?

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I'm an "I'm good" girl too. And you know what? It puts a lot of pressure on the heart and on relationships. Now I try to be an "I'm gonna scream soon" girl...gives me a little leeway.

((HUGS)) to you! I really hope that you and hubby figure things out.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 1:12:00 PM  
OpenID alittlebarefoot said...

I don't know you but I'm truly sorry for your pain right now. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be.

I'm a girl who would walk through fire to be there for the people she loves, but has a very hard time opening up to those same people. I get it.

Sending you hugs and love and healing thoughts.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 1:28:00 PM  
OpenID alittlebarefoot said...

I don't know you but I'm truly sorry for your pain right now. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be.

I'm a girl who would walk through fire to be there for the people she loves, but has a very hard time opening up to those same people. I get it.

Sending you hugs and love and healing thoughts.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 1:29:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

That sucks. There are some upperclassmen who don't want to torment people for being alive...they just want you to do their homework for them.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 2:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

I don't know what to say, really. But I felt like I needed to comment to let you know I was here. And I care. And you've been a big part of my internetting for so long that I feel like we have some sort of connection and well.. yeah. I'm here. *hugs*

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 5:54:00 PM  
Blogger Kyddryn said...

Hugs, darlin'...

Been there, dealt with that, sucks. If you need a complete stranger to talk at, you're welcome to borrow me.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 7:27:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

Life as a Bonnie Tyler song sucks. Even more than life as a Celine Dion song.

Hang Tough -- like the New Kids.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 8:08:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Aargh. I am sorry things are so very sucky right now. HUGS.

And yes, I think you are very funny.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 9:25:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I guess you'll always be funny no matter how little you try... But I feel for you. It's hard to be that person who is so "together" for everyone else - but not always so much for herself. I've been there. And yes - marriage is really, really hard. We're all tested by different stress situations (kids, money, kids, money, kids - am I missing anything?) So big virtual hug to you. I know I can't help really - but I can care. And I really do. A lot.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

Sorry you're going through this. Sending good thoughts your way.

I know that sounds trite. But you know what I mean. I really hate this.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011 9:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Liz said...

From one "I'm good" girl to another, I'm so sorry.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

I keep thinking of how the youth-minister of our church used to use 'Total Eclipse' to teach lessons about our need for God, and the inadequacy of the various things we often use to try to fill the 'God-shaped hole' in us. . .

Whatever the case, I hope I can be a friend for you. . .

Thursday, March 03, 2011 4:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

Baby, anyone who says their marriage is easy is either lying or doing it wrong. This shit ain't for sissies. Find yourself an awesome marriage counselor, take a few deep breaths, lose yourself in a hot bath or a really bad TV show, and give yourself a break. Trust me. Been there.

Friday, March 04, 2011 9:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

This well and truly sucks. Since I'm totally ineffective sitting here in front of a keyboard, I'd like to offer to be your Ninja. Every woman in a sucky marriage should have at least one of her own. In the meantime, I'll just sit here and hope for better things for you. (Ninja)Hugs.

Saturday, March 05, 2011 1:07:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

So damn sorry you're going through this. Hoping you find the answers you seek. Marriage ain't for the fainthearted.

Saturday, March 05, 2011 6:31:00 AM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

I've been in some long rough relationship patches myself. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think sometimes we get stuck in the "I'm good" mode because things aren't truly horrible or anything... but they're not good either.

Saturday, March 05, 2011 12:01:00 PM  
OpenID Sus said...

It's been a while since I commented here. I just wanted to remind you that I love you. I am sorry things are not going well.

Monday, March 07, 2011 6:53:00 PM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

Big fuckin' lobster hugs, comin' at you right here & now.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011 6:57:00 AM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Here's me, crossing my fingers for you that it's a phase that you two will work through sooner rather than later.

Deep breaths...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011 9:01:00 PM  
Anonymous crafk said...

I've been a lurker, reading and laughing and loving every minute of your blog. I'm so sorry to hear of the struggles you're facing right now. I have no direct advice, only to say that only you know what's best for you. Do what you have to for the happiness you desire.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Bekah said...

Im sorry

Wednesday, March 09, 2011 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

i'm sorry my life has been so out of control that it's taken me this long to get over here. i'm even more sorry for the pain you are going through right now and for so long before this.

Sunday, March 13, 2011 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Some part of me wants this not to be true - or to magically resolve. Because I think you are super cool and I've loved you and your writing and your humor and your blog since I first found the internet, or just about. But, this isn't about me. Dammit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry it's hard right now and I wish it hadn't been hard for a while. Hugs. Truly.

Sunday, March 13, 2011 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

Hugs from my paper plate head and plastic cup arms. Hope they're not too crinkly

Tuesday, March 15, 2011 10:26:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel like I need to say so much more than that, and one day, maybe I'll work up the whatever it is I need to work up to do that, but right now, as I should have done earlier (oh, how I sort of walk away from the internet these days...), I want to say thank you for your words here, for your emails, and for your overall kindness. It helps more than I can say.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011 7:28:00 PM  
Blogger Zephyr said...

My marriage wasn't good for most of the 25 years I've been in it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about in trying to make the best of a situation, and just getting through one day at a time until you're ready to do more.

I had to figure things out before I could take action. We all have our ways of dealing, and no one should ever say that YOUR way is wrong. I hope you find a way to make things better... in whatever way they need to go to become better. *hugs*

Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:38:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

I know it doesn't necessarily help to hear that other people have been through the huge ups and downs that is marriage - as it's not your marriage and we are not you.

That being said, however, it is freaking hard work and sometimes it sucks rocks. Having been through several roller coaster years myself, all I can say is - if you feel like you want to stay together - take a deep breath and tackle the tough stuff. There will be light again.

xoxo

Friday, March 18, 2011 6:05:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

This is terribly belated, but - I'm so very sorry. I hope in the time since you've posted this you've had some resolution & peace about this.

Friday, April 08, 2011 8:36:00 PM  

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