so, that was awkward, huh?
And I'm not just talking about the Oscars, though hoo boy, THAT was three and a half hours of WTF, am I right?!
No, I'm talking about my last post, in which I sort of hinted at kinks in the armor that is my marriage, and then went away for a couple weeks, leaving it to hang there. I've returned a few times since posting that, wanting to flick the offending creature away, but I'd end up staring at the words and thinking of all the things I want to say, but that I don't feel like putting up in a post because, even though we're all nice people (seriously, you all are some truly nice people), we all also know the internet is like that high school upperclassman who, even though you did absolutely nothing to them, likes to torment you for having the audacity to be alive. I like being alive. I do not like the idea of my 'woah is me' words being used against me by someone who doesn't know me. I've gone this long having a blog without that happening, and I'd like to keep it that way.
But I will say yes, things here suck. My marriage is not good right now, and if I were to tell you just how long it's not been good, I'd be embarrassed. And sad. Mostly sad, which is truly how I feel most days, but you don't know that because I go about said days as the "I'm good, how are you?" girl. Here, let me put an exclamation point at the end of everything I say because everything! in! my! world! is! amazing! "You're the funniest person I know," my friends often tell me, and I'm inclined to scream "You clearly don't know enough people!" because I don't feel funny, not even in the slightest. Not even now when I'm going to tell you that over the last two weeks, I've given some thought to what music video might better describe the state of my union than the two posted previously, and I've settled on this one:
Total Eclipse of the Heart. Yep. That's what my marriage feels like right now. A humongous, over the top, angsty mess, but minus the ninjas (also minus the kids with the glowing eyes, but really, who's to say those aren't adequate representations of my own children, or, at the very least, what I remember feeling like growing up as the child of two people who didn't seem to get along for a very long time).
Of course, there's a good chance I'm missing the bigger picture of this song. Sure, one could say it's all about the complexity of love, and isn't that sweet, but then there's this part where, oh yes, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears. I get a little bit angry...a little bit terrified. Over there is a powder keg and yep, look at that! It's giving off sparks! And guess what? I am falling apart.
I'm not purposely trying to make light of this situation. There's nothing light about it. This is the curse of being the 'I'm good!' girl.
But I'm not, and so I guess I have to start acting like it.