and then i go and spoil it all by by saying something stupid like how stupid i sometimes am

Earlier this evening, I caught my oldest son in a trivial lie. This type of thing doesn't happen often, but when it does, I like to drive home my disappointment with an overly emotional lecture that goes on about three minutes longer than it should, and sometimes involves a PowerPoint presentation with bullet points and graphics that float in from one corner of the screen and off the other, all set to the melodic inspiration of Celine Dion or Bette Midler. I think it's this aspect of my parenting skills that's resulted in having two children who rarely cause trouble, rather than the fact two laid back, typically apathetic individuals came together to create offspring who model similar behavior.

(Speaking of things that go on longer they should, talk about a long-winded introductory paragraph, why don'tcha...)

Twenty minutes into my lectures, I typically notice my audience fading (or, in some cases, disappearing entirely), so I like to conclude with a kind word or a catch phrase that reminds them, should they ever be tempted to repeat whatever bad behavior I was trying to discourage, that they don't want to sit through a PowerPoint again, so they'll nip their business in the bud (sidebar - make note of 'nip your business in the bud' as potential future catch phrase). Tonight, I tried out the following:

"I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid now, I've never been stupid, and I don't plan on getting stupid."

Seriously, does that make me sound bad ass or what?

But here's the problem. I just sat here for five minutes wondering "Or should that read 'Does that NOT make me sound bad ass?'" which absolutely contradicts the point I was trying to make to my son. Couple that with the fact that, in all honesty, I'm probably at least a little bit stupid if for no other reason than, earlier tonight, I had to cry mercy (read as: actually cry) while helping my youngest son with his homework. I honestly had no idea a rod was anything other than a stick and/or a proper name that never fails to make me snicker, but apparently - and I only learned this about an hour ago after my husband got home and was able to help our son, a rod is some sort of measurement, 16 1/2 feet to be exact. OK, that's all well and good, but don't expect me to know how many rods are in 66 feet. Seriously, don't expect that of me. Everyday Math? You win, OK? I don't do math like this every day.

Additional evidence to the contrary? I just sat here another five minutes debating whether it's 'Everyday Math' or 'Every Day Math.' Also, after telling my son that math gives girls headaches, I rubbed my eyes really hard, hard enough that you see geometric shapes, then cheered, "Ooooh! I see stars! And octagons! Wait - octagons have eight sides, right? Right?"

I think I owe my oldest an apology. My words sound awesome, but probably more so as dialogue in some testosterone-fueled action movie, where someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger would pronounce it as 'stooo-peed' and I would laugh, than spewing out of me long after any point I was trying to make was lost on the recipient (which is sort of like what's happening with this post...).

In an attempt to feel...what's the word? Unstupid? In an attempt to feel unstupid, I decided I'd toss one final zinger at my son to conclude our moral lesson.

"It would behoove you to heed my words," I said. Because I often like to speak (or should I say 'expatiate') as though I'm staging a forgotten play by Shakespeare to those among me who have no idea what 'behooves' even means. This explains a great deal now that I think about how many times I've used the word 'conundrum' while trying to get my husband to understand we have problems.

Anyway, you know who's not stupid? People who use words like 'behoove' and 'expatiate' (and sometimes 'conundrum'). Want to know how I came up with a word like 'expatiate'? I had to look it up in a thesaurus...aaaaaaaand I spelled 'thesaurus' wrong - twice - while Googling it in an attempt to bring one up online to come up with another word for 'speak.' )

OK, three times. What was that I was saying?

"I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid now, I've never been stupid, and I don't plan on getting stupid."

Clearly.

(I think I'd have made my point more succinctly (see also: 'in brief') had this post actually been a PowerPoint. Did you ever know that you're my hero? My heart will go on...)

(p.s. - there are four rods in 66 feet)(but I only know this after once again turning to outside help to be sure I was right about how many inches are in a foot...)(hooray, I was!)