i need a hero. who talks. and sometimes cries.

I used to date a man who, when we were together, wrote me poems and referred to me by a nickname that, when spoken, sounded like he was singing. Every night, when we were apart, we'd speak for hours on the telephone and whisper words of love and encouragement. When together, we'd do the same thing, only it was deeper and more thoughtful.

Kind of like something out of a Wham! video.

In short, the time we were together felt connected. He knew how I was feeling. I knew how he was feeling. We spoke about those feelings. I never doubted his manliness, and I believe I kept a pretty even keel on the whole woman thing.

So earlier this week, I was speaking to this man when he said, "You want a man who "feels" things as deeply as you do, and he doesn't, or at least doesn't seem to, and can't communicate it if he did. Men are simply not wired that way. Other men call guys like that names on the playground. Men are ruled by appearances. Emotions are an outward sign of vulnerability, and therefore are open to exploitation. Men are supposed to be the rock, dear. We are the ones who are supposed to care for and provide the necessities of life for women, not become them ourselves."

Our conversation came after I shared with my friend that the personal matter I've been dealing with for such a very long time has been (finally) resolved favorably and that I'd wished my husband would've been as outwardly happy and relieved for me as I was with him when I shared the news. For a very long time, my husband has stood by me in this issue, but he has remained stoic and silent. Rather than talking to me about it, he'd let me fret and cry to him, and he'd show his support as he best knew, which was by being silent, but the silence only made me feel more alone. He never showed me or told me how he was impacted by it so I could feel less alone (and intrinsically I know he was impacted for he's not devoid of feeling - and because my friends who pulled me from my home to help me a couple weeks ago told me he was so frustrated and upset by the matter that he cried to them. Hearing that made me cry harder because it was everything I had wanted from him for so long).

Before you ask, yes, I've had this conversation with my husband, too. We've had the "show me your feelings" conversation many times during our marriage. After all he had to say about the resolution of this recent matter was "good," I told him I'd have felt like this was truly resolved had he given me even a hug and offered up a word of thanks. It was a matter that, when completed, really deserved some type of emotional response. God knows, I was happily a wreck for a change; however, part of me felt inappropriate in my personal response.

I know I married a man who is, truly, very silent. He can talk surface topics for so long I sometimes wish there was a contest that offered a huge cash prize for such a skill. But he doesn't like to find himself in the middle of conversations that might test him. Abhors confrontation. Not one to make a fast decision. So his response doesn't come as a huge surprise to me. And, on the flip side, perhaps I'm too quick to get emotional sometimes, though I don't think I am a person who cries needlessly over silly things, or bursts into rages should the slightest thing go array. I stew about things rather than spill sometimes, much to my chagrin. In this respect, I suppose the case could be made that my husband and I are perfectly suited this way. But we're also committed to each other, and committing to someone means sharing with them. Sharing everything.

So it comes down to this for me - do men seriously think that today, as relationships have evolved and grown, they can't show any type of emotion to their wives or girlfriends or, hell, anyone, for fear of appearing weak and vulnerable? Is it really that emasculating to cry? The gender roles have evolved greatly since the days when knights in shining armour were slaying dragons to rescue damsels in distress, and yet no matter how often or to how many men I argue this whole "show your emotions" case to, I tend to hear responses in line with what my friend said above. Some have even told me they'd rather take a beating then cry about something "because that's just what a man does." This kind of response leaves me questioning whether I am actually hyper sensitive, or do I just expect too much from a man who has chosen to share his life and all facets of it with a woman.

I could go on and on about this subject. Clearly, you can tell by the fact that I barely ever manage to write a short post (or, as you've no doubt figured out and, if not, will soon see that I also can't write a short sentence), that I'm one of those who likes to talk about an issue or an emotion until all parties are satisfied and perhaps singing happy songs together while sharing an uncomfortably long embrace. However, I'm interested in hearing what you all think. If you're a female reader, does your partner share their feelings with you? Do they dare show their emotions, or do they fear it a sign of weakness? How does that make you then feel if they can't share that side of themselves with you? Do you feel as though you must tamp down your emotions for them? Men, if you're among the apparently large army of "strong and silent" types, why are you that way? Was it a matter of nature versus nurture? Is there really a fear in shedding a tear? Would your really rather take a beating then be vulnerable to the person you loved? If you're not part of that army, what is it allows you to feel comfortable sharing or shedding?

If it helps, I'll hum "Careless Whisper" while you all ponder these questions and we share together openly in the comments.