moral of the story: get your newtons at target

So my husband and I were splayed out on the couch Saturday night, doing what we do when we finally have time alone on a weekend to bring our raging libidos together to one precarious location.

Yep. We watched television. Because we're sexy like that. Well, and because we're way behind on Tivo'ed episodes of "Planet Earth," so we figured we'd free our minds and the rest would follow.

So we tuned into the "Jungle" episode we'd started watching a few days earlier. Ah, look at the cute gliding leaf frog! Oh, isn't it amazing the way the fungus grows! Goodness! Look at all that water the rain forest produces!

Yes, I was learning a ton. I've made no secret of the fact that much of my grown up smarts have been garnered from television. So I was freakin' shocked to discover these cute little male gliding leaf frogs essentially rape the females of the species as the unsuspecting divas try to work their way up a tree to reach the male frog they have chosen to mate with.

"I know it's the jungle, but good Lord!" I said to my husband, as the Discovery Channel crew spared no angle to show this act to me. "Leaf frogs are the jungle's gang lords!"

And I held onto that idea.

Until it was time for the chimpanzees.

Yeah! Chimpanzees! Adorable cousins of man! Teased with the idea of chimpanzees bouncing from tree to tree, eating figs and cleaning each other, I soon put aside the idea of those nasty leaf frogs and was grinning from ear to ear. Listen to them call out to each other! Oh, isn't it cute? That chimpanzee is so hungry he can stuff five figs in his mouth at one time! Isn't it all adorable? The jungle is so sweet!

Or is it? Sigourney Weaver, are you teasing me before the commercial break?

When we returned, we see that chimps are fond of sticking together in large groups, and like to maintain a hold on their territory so as to protect their supply of figs and such. No big deal. I completely understand. I've hidden bags of peanut M&M's away from my kids before. I'm on track with the chimps.

But then Sigourney tells us this colony of chimps is prepared to defend their territory from other chimps who've dared enter their turf, and I immediately sit upright, all tingly.

"OH!! They're totally going to go Jets and Sharks on each other!" I exclaim, excited once again to have the opportunity to toss in yet another reference to "West Side Story" as the larger chimps start circling their turf.

When the chimps' yelping and howling started in, I lost it with out of control laughter. "This is so much better than "West Side Story," I told my husband, perhaps punching him on the shoulder for emphasis. "This is freakin' 'Yo! Ding Dong, man. Ding Dong. Ding Dong, yo,' in the jungle, baby!

"Back off me, man! Back off!" my husband tosses back (cementing yet another reason why I married this man).

Watching the chimps chase the intruding chimps out of their territory and exerting their power by slamming their head into tree trunks, I was near tears laughing as they got bad ass on each other. Tossing out Weird Al dialogue ("Is that what they teach you in that little sissy school of yours?" - me. "I've got more chins than Chinatown" - my husband) to enhance the soundtrack only added to the glee I felt.

And then...instant silence. Wiping away a tear that finally escaped and crossing my legs so as not to wet myself, I sat up, refocused and peered closer at the television.

"Hey...um...is that a little chimp head that bigger chimp is shaking in the air?" I asked my husband.

"Yes. Yes it is," Sigourney answered first.

"But...weren't we all just happy, fig eating primates a moment ago?" I asked, horrified as this gang of large male chimps tore into a poor baby chimp, glutton style.

"Yes," Sigourney confirmed, adding that while cannibalism isn't unusual in the animal kingdom, no one knows why a species would gang up on and then devour their own kind.

My respect for chimps, once questionable at best based on those who wear clothes or exhibit embarrassing behavior at the zoo (I'm talking to you, poop eating chimp), fell even lower.

"So, yeah," I say, my laughter cast aside along with my sadly immense knowledge of Weird Al videos. "Here's hoping the episode on forests is a bit tamer."