The one where Jeff Foxworthy would call me stupid...

I've made no secret of the fact that I grew up on the mean streets of the Midwestern suburbs. I got my first piercing (my ears, yo!) at 13. Got to go to the mall by myself at 14, G. Got hella crunk for the first time at legal. Hardcore, bitches! I learned to get through life by livin' it, you know? It comes down to this: I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. That's just a really lame way of saying I can balance my checkbook, because balancing it (straight up perfect the last six months, homes!) involves only simple math. Or, as I like to call it, life math. It's all I've needed for the better part of half my life.

Until this week.

My oldest son, a fifth grader, came home last night with math homework. Because my baby daddy done been gone a few nights now, the job of helping my boy fell upon me. The lone question left on the page: What is the prime factorization of 54?

WFT? What the hell is a prime factorization? Straight to the Internet I went! Yeah. Big help. WTF is this? Integers? Internet, you have brought me fear, joy, more fear and, finally, the answer to this math question. Sort of. You didn't show me how to figure it out and then explain it to a fifth grader. Because I think you know I'm math stupid, Internet, and for that, I hate you. Well, I don't mean I hate you because I'm math stupid. I mean you just don't give me the easy answers, and you'd think if any place would have them, you would. Sigh.

(I totally thank you for the opportunity to browse all the free porn I'd ever care to, though, Internet. If I cared to. Whatevah. I secretly love you, Internet.)

I couldn't help him. "Let's save this one until your dad gets home," I cried. Like "I need to yell about nothing for awhile,' cried. Then I may have actually cried. Like "tears falling from my eyes," cried. "What the hell is a prime number? I've never spoken of these things in my life! Thus, this isn't life math!" I muttered out of earshot. "This is 'I will mock you and call you fat because I'm a dick,' math."

I could damn near hear that annoying Jeff Foxworthy making fun of me because, apparently, I'm not smarter than a fifth grader. So what, Jeff Foxworthy? So what? What do you have that I ain't got, other than a bajillion dollars and Larry the Cable Guy's telephone number? I closed the math workbook and looked at the title on the cover. Nope. It sure wasn't 'learn it on the streets life math.' It was 'everyday math.' My bad. And my ass! Prime numbers don't balance my checkbook (um, and if they do, don't make fun of me when you school me, k?). I think prime numbers just get you cut on the mean streets here if you go around bein' all flashy and knowin' 'em.