could you describe the ruckus, sir?*

Why my sons are not destined to ever have careers in law enforcement, spy rings, or as leaders of any sort of heist activity (which sucks because I enjoy saying the word heist):

If, for whatever reason, one leaves the room they were just jointly in, within seconds, the other will come out of the trance of play and inevitably ask me, "Hey! Where's INSERT ONE OF THE BOYS' NAME HERE!?"

Contrary to what you might believe, our house is not a mansion, and inevitably, the other boy (aka - The Missing) is often no further than the next room, typically within plain sight. More often than not, they are also causing some sort of commotion in the form of gas emission or tripping, thus leaving behind a trail of clues so vast their disappearance can hardly be described as a cold case. Yet I hear "Hey! Where's THAT OTHER KID WHO LIVES HERE?!" 5 trillion times a day AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!!

Occasionally, my oldest, in an attempt to either move up the law enforcement ranks or prepare for a future on the game show circuit, will respond to his own query with, "Let me guess. He's in the bathroom!"

Did the sound of bathroom activities going on less than 20 feet from where you're sitting tip you off, Colonel Mustard? Or was it when Professor Plum panicked and yelled out, "It was me in the bathroom with the two-ply! And by the way, I'm done and I wiped a little!"

(OMG...as I'm writing this, my sons literally just passed by each other like phantoms, my youngest coming down the stairs and my oldest having just walked by the stairs to the front door, easily spottable to the other, and yet my youngest just bounded into the family room where I'm sitting and said, "I'm guessing That Big One You Loved First is in the basement?" And so another day of CSI: The Suburbs begins. But OMG!)(to the kid's credit, the basement door IS ajar, so I suppose I can understand why he's pencil that down in his flowchart of clues).

Why my sons are actually quite well suited for a career in law enforcement, spy rings, but still not as leaders of any sort of heist activity because I just realized that pulling off a heist is akin to committing a crime and that's not what I wanted for them when I held them in my arms as tiny babies and dreamed big things for them one day:

I just realized that, despite my random snarky responses and "Are you serious? Are you kidding me with this?" queries when they ask where the other has vanished to, I INSTANTLY cave and point out where the culprit has skulked off to even when sometimes pointing that out means doing nothing more than responding, "He's sitting right beside you!"

Do you see it? They are fantastic investigators! They get potential witnesses such as myself to cave instantly! I don't even make them work for it! Why,I'd have been kicked out of the Scooby Gang instantly because I'd have thwarted the whole fantastic musical number/chase scene with those intrepid teenage investigators and pesky villains like the Creeper and 10,000 Volt Ghost. I should have realized this already, of course, based on the number of times they've come barreling from miles away into the house screaming "We want ice cream, too!" when they've heard me quietly crack the freezer open for the carton of tin roof sundae I thought I'd hidden from them. I'd have enjoyed a delicious bowl of fudge revel and crunchy peanuts if it weren't for those damn pesky kids!

Huh. I guess the point of this post is a far cry more pointless than it originally was going to be, so good job, me! At any rate, I get to use a fantastic quote from The Breakfast Club (which, if you Google to see if you have it correctly, as I did even though I don't know why because I quote from that movie on the daily, so forgive me, Judd Nelson, for dishonoring you so, you'll be humored to know that Backpacking Dad comes up as the second entry in the search but now your goal is to unseat him there. Or perhaps that's just me. What would I be doing if I weren't out making myself a better citizen?

* My thanks to Backpacking Dad for pointing out my original use of The Breakfast Club quote was slightly wrong. Alas, this allowed him to retain his number two Google position and I came in as a neo maxi zoom dweebie in the fifth spot. The world is an imperfect place...

(of course, this is only if you Google 'can you describe the ruckus, sir?' thus, I'm declaring this a draw because I cannot compete with a man with a Leonardo DiCaprio goatee)(even though I have a crazy awesome rack)