please hammer, don't hurt me

friday night in the music department when the telephone rings.

"thanks for calling barnes and noble. how can i help you?" i answer, the smile on my face making my voice bright. that's right. you know i've got the mad customer service skillz.

"yes. i was calling to see if you had a cd in stock," replies the young woman on the other end of the line.

"i'd be glad to check for you. do you have a title or artist i can start the search at?"

"i do. i'm hoping you have mc hammer's greatest hits available."

for a moment, i pause. fingers over the computer keyboard, ready to type in her query, i don't even realize it at first when my first thought escapes me.

"wow. the hits were plural for hammer? there was seriously need for a greatest hits package?"

"um," the young woman replies, letting me know that when i do talk to myself, sometimes words and thoughts actually do spill out of my mouth. "perhaps you've heard of 'addam's groove'?"

"huh," i answer, letting her know she'd put me properly in my place. "consider me schooled, my friend. wait! consider me old schooled!"

"so?" she says, obviously not agreeing that i'm actually pretty kick ass to hang around with.

"ma'am, i'm sorry to say i can't touch a copy of mc hammer's greatests hits cd in the store, but i can order you a copy."

while she considers it, i simply can't stop myself now.

"if it's a problem, yo, i'll solve it" i say. "i can grab a copy of vanilla ice's disc for you!"

"yeeeaaah," mc hammer's last known fan says. "i'll have to think about that and get back to you."

"sorry we didn't have that for you," i answer, ending our conversation.

until inspiration hits me and i'm compelled to keep her on the line for just one second more.

"word to your mother!" i cheer, that ever-present telephone smile still on my face.

yes. i said that last part.

then made a note that i should know better. every thought that pops into my head (not styled in a high top fade, mind you) shouldn't jump out of my mouth.

'cause that's just wiggity wiggity whack.