...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

i'm wide awake...i'm wide awake...i'm not sleeping...

for the past two weeks, i've perhaps slept a total of 50 hours. maybe three or four more. i slept more when i had newborns in the house. tiny creatures who demanded attention deep into the night in the form of food, love, binks or simple reassurance i was still there and i still adored their very souls.

sure. sometimes i pretended to be asleep when they needed these things. when their very whimpers tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me i was responsible. but in my acting, i'd be awake, in the dark. listening to my husband care for them or waiting for his hushed voice as he brought them to me.

now. now it's just me and 2 a.m., and 2 a.m. isn't the best company for me. i've not a clue why i'm doing this to myself. coming home from work late doesn't allow me to immediately dash to bed. i simply can't. impossible to shut my mind off.

now it's happening even on nights i don't work. weekends. i can't seem to recall a complete night of solid, satisfying r.e.m.s (here's where i start dancing to "shiny, happy people" but you can't see me...).

so i pace a bit. pick up here and there. scan the tivo list. catch up on emails. clean out emails (seriously? 164 emails sent in the last couple of months? no one needs to hear from me that much, though i dig hearing back from them. yes. 'them.' i have friends and such, so trust that all those emails aren't going to one person). i watch television shows online. read websites for magazines i subscribe to already. read what's going on in your lives. chat here and there with some friend who suffers from the lingering effects of a former third shift job he no longer holds. get some very nice visits. very nice, indeed.

it's silliness. i've reached a point where it's truly becoming mind over matter. when i do slink off to bed, i make a promise to myself that i have to be somewhat rested by the time i'm yanked out of sleep about four hours later. somehow i manage to not be a raging beast come noon. i don't yell. i don't argue.

i don't do much.

it's showing. sometimes, when the ups or fedex man makes his daily appointment at my doorstep, i expect it to be a camera crew from some tabloid program at the door with a producer hovering under a boom mic, asking me when i gave up. "when did you let your house become a halfway house. a place for transients? what has made you like this?"

(sidebar. do you think if i let things go utterly out of control, packrat like, mike rowe will show up? someone keep tabs on me and i'll let you know when to visit the "dirty jobs" website and suggest me for a program. i mean suggest my environment. heh...)

i'm exhausted. every morning, as i glance at the mirror, take a deep breath and count to 10, i tell myself "not again. please? for me?" for now, i'm left staring back at the beauty of a tired face and disheveled pigtails. and my reflection is taunting me. "sure...we'll go to bed at 11 tonight. and btw...you look stunning in pigtails."

yep. so if you need me, look for me around 1:30 a.m. or so. cripes. i'm up longer than the neighbors living behind me i'd dubbed "the vampires" simply because they only come out at night ("watch out boy, she'll chew you up..."). even they're heading to bed before the sun considers an encore.

i babble a lot more when i'm tired, too. sorry!

maybe i really just wanted an excuse to add this video. this song tears me apart. god. it's perfection in verse, chorus, verse. the homage to the stones near the end ("pleased to meet you...hope you guess my name...") is bliss. commit to it. then try to convince me this isn't some generational theme gifted to us. it's rattle and hum, baby.

somehow, in some aspect of my life, i want to have this song played for me.

a lullaby, perhaps.

U2 Bad (Rattle and Hum)


Blogger Nanette said...

I think I shall just copy and paste this post, make a few minor modifications and call it my own. ;P

I am the worst on school nights, last night I got zero sleep and 2 hours of flipping around, anxiously awaiting the alarm. And here I am. I was dead to the world tired until I put the kids to bed--then boom! I might consider stealing some of my husbands sleeping pills....ugh...I feel for you girl!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 2:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ug. Horrible! That happens to me when the hubby's away on business. For the entire month of June, while he was slaving away in Texas, I was up all night every night, knowing that it was just me and the twins 24/7, and if I didn't get some sleep, I'd be in big, big trouble -- which only made it worse. Before these kids came along, I was the best sleeper on the planet. I could sleep anytime, anywhere. No one tells you kids will ruin your ability to sleep! Sure, they tell you kids will keep you up, but I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore even when the kids weren't crying. I want my old sleep habits back!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger April said...


what is that?


and hold the phone! mike rowe might show up if we let our houses get outta hand?


(yeah, i like what i saw when i googled him. :))

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

i'm reaquainting myself with sleep these days. friend to 2 am, i am no longer! i will sing along with your lullaby, however...

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I guess I should never again complain about only getting 7 hours of sleep in a night.

And you do look stunning in pigtails.

Stunningly like you're about 14, that is. Are you gonna start chewing bubble gum and wearing Catholic schoolgirl outfits, to really round out the whole "jailbait" theme?

Incidentally, Rattle and Hum is one of the best albums of all time. But wasn't "Bad" on "Unforgettable Fire." (Okay, never mind, I looked it up... It wasn't on the album, but it WAS included in the film.)

I'll take a pass on your weird INXS fascination, but I'm all about the U2.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 2:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been there and understand how you feel. I can live for a while on 4 or less hour of sleep but then it all comes crashing in and I ask myself why I am feeling so sad. I have found that sometimes Nyquil helps.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 2:18:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'll be getting my insomnia come summertime...

A couple of beers might help you get some shut eye.. if not then think of me and you are surely to be bored to sleep... *wink*

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 7:06:00 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

I thought you were going to get your Hubby on the room darkeners little lady.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger JUnderCovers said...

Isn't it weird that Bono thinks this is one of his most "unfinished" songs, and we all think it's one of the greatest things of all time? The two U2 concerts I went to last year were the most moving experiences I've ever had (as I've told you), but when they played this song in the encore of the second show, my heart almost burst out of my chest. Doesn't get any better than this.

Oh, and go the fuck to sleep!

Thursday, January 18, 2007 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

nanette - at this moment, i'm sitting in a daze after about 4 1/2 hours sleep. my goal was to be in bed by 11:30. now i think i'm just slowly killing myself! maybe i *should* move next door. we could at least hang out in our insomnia! and we could watch your dog during vacation! win-win!

kelly - oh! now i'm reminded that my husband will be in chicago in a few weeks and i'll be not only here alone, but here alone and awake, because i, too, sleep terribly when he's not around. sigh...i need a training program to get prepared for that. maybe i should just have a baby to at least have this 'awake time' worth something!

april - apparently, sleep is for the weak (though i trust ftn down there is a brute force of quiet fury and strength despite his hours of slumbering bliss). though if weakness gets me some mike rowe time, consider me on a sleep strike!

youdamom - congratulations on reclaiming 2 a.m.! victory is yours! i'm sure bono and the boys have an appropriate song for it!

ftn - you could complain. sure. you could even complain to me. however, i'm just gonna give you that look of quiet contempt. it will be a cute look, though, what with the catholic schoolgirl uniform i'd be rockin'. and the fact that i'll be twirling my pigtail with one long and beautiful finger. ok, if you insist. i'll also toss in the pouty lips. though i'm thinking more along the lines of lollipops instead of bubblegum. tootsie pops, actually. in fact, 'tootsie pops' may be the name i give myself if i decide to *really* pursue a vocation at this. considering i'm up at 2 a.m. anyway, i have to figure i could squeeze in a shift. perhaps i'll work up a routine to 'sweetest thing,' really make the boys in the greatest rock band in the world proud.

and, um, weird INXS fascination you say? is it weird that i can act out the complete "need you tonight" video, complete with placards with the silly words on them? no, my friend. that's simply dedication. and lust. whatever. send me one of your cds and i'll get all obsessive about you!

finished - i'm on a first name basis with ibuprofen with sleep aid. a few more nights like this and i may need a 12-step program.

savage - however would we coexist, what with me up in the winter and you up in the summer? i suppose we could pass each other a beer in spring!

nocturnal - i'm preparing myself for the day when i can hibernate in the dark goodness of such a room! perhaps that's why i'm staying awake, so when they're up, i'll collapse immediately into restful peace!

j - this song...i swear to you i have watched this clip so many freakin' times. masterpiece. totally. plus, honestly? ok, i am still a fan of that longer-haired, earnest and committed bono of 20 years ago. passion, baby! untouchable.

and tonight, i swear, in bed by at least 11:30. heh...just like i swore last night and then didn't make it until 2 a.m. i need to take cues from your regimen!

Thursday, January 18, 2007 9:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope this doesn't become a chronic problem for you. I rarely get a full night's sleep.

And pigtails are fabulous. They help counteract the aging effect of the dark rings under your eyes. :-)

Thursday, January 18, 2007 5:38:00 PM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

And here I am responding at--what?--12:42 a.m.?

A little bit of silly TV puts me in the mood for sleep. Or mattress-pounding sex. Yes! That's the best sleep aid!

Friday, January 19, 2007 12:44:00 AM  

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