please hammer, don't hurt me
friday night in the music department when the telephone rings.
"thanks for calling barnes and noble. how can i help you?" i answer, the smile on my face making my voice bright. that's right. you know i've got the mad customer service skillz.
"yes. i was calling to see if you had a cd in stock," replies the young woman on the other end of the line.
"i'd be glad to check for you. do you have a title or artist i can start the search at?"
"i do. i'm hoping you have mc hammer's greatest hits available."
for a moment, i pause. fingers over the computer keyboard, ready to type in her query, i don't even realize it at first when my first thought escapes me.
"wow. the hits were plural for hammer? there was seriously need for a greatest hits package?"
"um," the young woman replies, letting me know that when i do talk to myself, sometimes words and thoughts actually do spill out of my mouth. "perhaps you've heard of 'addam's groove'?"
"huh," i answer, letting her know she'd put me properly in my place. "consider me schooled, my friend. wait! consider me old schooled!"
"so?" she says, obviously not agreeing that i'm actually pretty kick ass to hang around with.
"ma'am, i'm sorry to say i can't touch a copy of mc hammer's greatests hits cd in the store, but i can order you a copy."
while she considers it, i simply can't stop myself now.
"if it's a problem, yo, i'll solve it" i say. "i can grab a copy of vanilla ice's disc for you!"
"yeeeaaah," mc hammer's last known fan says. "i'll have to think about that and get back to you."
"sorry we didn't have that for you," i answer, ending our conversation.
until inspiration hits me and i'm compelled to keep her on the line for just one second more.
"word to your mother!" i cheer, that ever-present telephone smile still on my face.
yes. i said that last part.
then made a note that i should know better. every thought that pops into my head (not styled in a high top fade, mind you) shouldn't jump out of my mouth.
'cause that's just wiggity wiggity whack.
Labels: to legit to quit
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 4:00 PM
28 Comments:
Oh, that was way too clever for me!
And after way too long in retail, I'm lucky if I stay civil to the end of a conversation these days.
Thanks for the chuckle FADKOG.
omg...I have such a crush on you.
After that I'm gonna drink some funky cold medina.
Oh wow. I'm just speechless over your kick ass skilz.
CH
Crazy, whack, funky....
now there is coffee all over my keyboard from the spit take.
You are the best.
Muhahahahahahaha!
Stop! Fadkogtime!
It's fadkog go fadkog mc fadkog yo fadkog and the rest can go and play can't touch this! Whooooohooo ;)
zzmturm
After checking this out again this morning it remindd me of the funniest commercial that ran a few years ago. It started off with Hammer singing and dancing to U can't touch this, in front of his mansion. Tehn in the next scene Hammer is sitting on his front porch a few years later as repo men are hauling his furniture out the door. It was hilarious! Unfortunately I can't find the video. I forgot what the commercial was advertising.
CH
ROFlaughing! how well I know this song, I use to play it all the time, just to drive my mom up the wall. I'm sure there a few others she didn't really liked, this one sticks out the most.
S.R.
Girl you are truly kickass and too legit. What a combo!
pyfhrqx
People don't get my humor either, but you cracked me right the heck up! It reminded me of the time I asked out loud in front of about a zillion customers at the craft store where I worked, "ok, whos the guy that needed the Stiffy?" (it's the name of a product) Oh yes I did...sigh
Stacie
You're a cold, cold woman, DKG. I'd make some wisecrack about 'Another One Bites the Dust', but see, I'm just a bit too old to be absolutely f'certain that that was Hammer. . .
And I'll be sure to avoid your store when I'm looking for Wings' Greatest. . .
I'm guilty as hell but I love the pumps and the bump.
fusion - you're welcome. i'm the (watch it now) killa when it comes to the 'blank retail smile/stare' combo. i'm a gem. i've learned to contain myself, in a bookstore, when people just say "i'm looking for a book..." Genius!
biscuit - you have a little crush on me? girl, we're all set for a staring role in a rap video for sure, then!
al - your threads are fresh and you're lookin' fly...let me know how that works for you...
confused - i kind of remember that commerical. but i also was reminded of his "Hammer Man" cartoon. Wow. The quality of entertainment was right up there.
savage - you just want me to bust a move, don't you?
ed - sorry for the mess, dear!
nanette - check, baby, check! which, sure, i did when i got done writing this. here's me with wine coolers, wayfarers and friday night videos...
summer - my mom just got disturbed by all the duran duran i was listening to, but today, she'd probably want me to add some of these songs to her ipod.
finished last - not only am i those two things, but i'm spunky and i like my oatmeal lumpy.
stacie - i bow to you with that one! if we worked together, they'd have to separate us since we'd be spending our time trying to inject these types of things into customer service! we'd be like salt -n- pepa. we just need a spinderella!
desmond - i promise i wouldn't make fun of you if you asked me who sang "another one bites the dust." i'd just make you refer to me as the queen afterward when i informed you. then i'd loan you my personal copy of wing's greatest hits, of course!
ftn - why does this not surprise me? ah, because you know i'm one of those girls with the pumps and the bump. but do you come equipped? a pimp with a slippity slip? then i suppose you can take a trip.
please, stop me. seriously. i'm turning into a k-tel album.
I laughed out loud reading this! I used to manage a bookstore. I loved the questions. Particularly, "I'm looking for this book, it has an orange cover....it came out about 5 years ago." I was never as clever with my comments as you though.
LOL at K- Tel That rocks
vqaecku
rug - thanks for stopping through here. how wonderful that you know of my retail pain, too! my favorite questions include, but are not limited to, the one you mentioned (but our customers seem to toss in the fact "that i saw it at the kansas city store five years ago and i know it had some red lettering on it. where would that be here?" and "can you tell me where the nonfiction section is." when i get that last question, my impulse is to throw my arms out and spin around and ask them to tell me when to stop. instead, i politely inform them that the bulk of the store is nonfiction. sigh. good times. good, good times!
finished - i have a sneaky hunch that my mom has my k-tel albums packed away somewhere. they were a christmas gift staple. and not wrapped sneakily, so it was always easy to tell that i was getting that!
All night long I had Vanilla Ice stuck in my head. Thanks a lot!!! :(
rs - trust me, i feel your pain. i've been topping the vanilla with many other assorted "rap classics" since i stumbled through this post. last night at work i caught myself doing some wrexx n' effects' "rump shaker" in my head.
hope that won't keep you from stopping back sometime, to at least check out the hook while the dj revolves it....
truly, i need to stop this...
My closest friend's daughter works at a bakery. One day, someone came in and asked what they had that was 'Atkins-friendly'. Uhhh, it's a bakery; pretty much all we have is bread. . .
Full disclosure: I have this song on my mp3 player. I work out to it. I may or may not totally love it.
Full disclosure, 2.0: I also may or may not be talking my band into covering that song in the near future.
You're the most illingest FADKOG around. Kick it, girl.
:)
demond - the world is full of temporarily stupid people. thank goodness we're not walking amongst them!
ftn - two words. panties and persuasion. i possess both and i may or may not use one or the other in order to hear this performance. your stoic guitar work will be the secondary inspiration i need.
flutter - i'm like lil' kim for the suburban set...i just may play that way.
Now, I'm not too schooled in the lyricology of MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice, but for some reason I can't stop thinking of "Malibu's Most Wanted" now.
Shrink, shrink. Blinkity-blink. Tried to make me think. Wanna go to my sink. And vomit. Clean it up wit' Comet. Earth is my planet. See? I'm the shiznit.
therese - see, it's lyrical poetry like that that i can get behind! and shake my rump!
Too funny, I can only imagine what that must of been like.
nocturnal - they love me at the barnes and noble. two shows. three drink minimum. no cover. come check it out sometime.
Now that's ruthless! Awesome!
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