...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, June 29, 2007

hard time on the cul-de-sac

So, God forgive me, I Tivo'd Paris Hilton's interview on Larry King (hereafter to be known as the worst interviewer since my best friend in freshman journalism) last night. I don't typically feed into the frenzy that are these "celebrities by virtue of being born" things, but I was curious to hear her speak passionately about how jail time had transformed her into a caring, mature humanitarian. Ten minutes into the interview, I realized my face was twisted into a look that prompted my son to ask "Wha? Do you smell something bad?" when he passed through the room.

Another ten minutes and I began to see some pretty striking similarities between Paris' life in the clink and my own:

Paris' jail life:

  • Hours of stagnating isolation, the likes of which gave her panic attacks
  • Boring lunches of cold sandwiches and juice day after grueling day
  • Barely warm dinners consisting of what was described as "prison slop"
  • Visits limited to once weekly 30 minutes sessions
  • Interaction with those incarcerated with her carried out in passing
  • One hour of free time daily to shower, make telephone calls and shop the prison commissary

My suburban life:

  • A willingness to fake a panic attack if it might provide me a bit of isolation. Paris endured 21 days (but refers to it as "three and a half weeks" because that sounds much more intense and worthy of a prison tattoo) with no one around. Give me 16 days (or two and a third weeks, homes) and I could finish a book, enjoy a pleasant nap, avoid getting shanked while in the shower, and conquer the world
  • Lunch time, Marla! What'll it be today? Peanut butter? Peanut butter? Say, do you have any peanut butter?
  • Dinner? Sounds about the same. And those juvies in lock-up on the second level sure do bitch about it, so I think we're on the same track as Paris.
  • I tend to avoid "outsiders," to be honest. Some I encounter really would benefit from having a glass barrier between us.
  • Here in Cell Block 6, we also have this "communication in passing" thing down pretty well. But bonus! There's prison sex every once in awhile.
  • An hour a day to yourself?! Cripes, I'm lucky to get 25 minutes! I've actually made telephone calls WHILE IN the shower. Book me a 12 X 8 cell, pronto!

The interview came to a crashing conclusion after a Taoist reading of Paris' jailhouse diaries (no doubt we'll be selling these masterpieces in about six months), and after The Worst Interviewer Since My Best Friend in Freshman Journalism actually asked "Is it as gross as we think it is?" when hoping to find out if Paris had been strip searched upon booking.

"Yeah, it's pretty gross having to stand in a room and take your clothes off in front of someone you don't know," Paris replied, apparently oblivious to thought that the woman conducting the strip search is probably as acutely aware of what Paris looks like naked as most of the free world also is.

That part of the interview was probably my favorite because it didn't make me throw up a little bit in my mouth the way the parts where she talked about how she "grew from this experience" and wants to be a good role model for all the girls she heard from during this troubling time did. My second favorite was when she seemed to panic (and it's hard to catch, because truly, her zombie expression rarely changes) when asked her favorite passage from the Bible she said she read daily while behind bars.

Tonight she's probably at bars.

Lesson learned.


As an end note, should I ever have an opportunity to serve in a women's prison, I am gonna kick ass, Wendy O. Williams "Reform School Girls" style. And I want Nanette to serve in the cell next to me because I've got a raging crush on her and we can be each other's bitches. What'cha say, my friend? Life on the lam? Or should we get caught and then make up our list for approved conjugal visits?


Blogger Nanette said...

I'm thinking the list sounds pretty nice. ;) I've been known to watch an episode or two of Oz you know, that coupled with my tour of Prison Break and we'll bust out in no time baby. Then, we'll be enjoying some of them there peanut butter sammichs while venturing cross country on our mission. Oh mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law.


Friday, June 29, 2007 2:10:00 AM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

"Yeah, it's pretty gross having to stand in a room and take your clothes off in front of someone you don't know," Paris replied. ?? Ya mean without the web cam running and the drunken dudes hitting on you??

I was told Hard Rock LA paid her $800k to be able to host her release from jail party. There's a guy serving years for getting head as a minor and she's out in 21 days as a repeat offender?

Which children's picture bible did she have with her??

Friday, June 29, 2007 6:10:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

I bet there's no boxes in prison.....

Friday, June 29, 2007 6:31:00 AM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

My Auntie always says when her kids were little she used to wish she'd get sick enough to go to the hospital so she could have a break. So how's wishing for prison any different?

Friday, June 29, 2007 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

See, dear, you've just got to break out of this whole cycle. If people just stopped paying attention to her as if her every fart were a momentous occasion, the poor girl might actually have the opportunity to grow up.

"Yeah, it's pretty gross having to stand in a room and take your clothes off in front of someone you don't know". . .

I'm sorry; there's nothing else to do but laugh in merry derision. . .

Friday, June 29, 2007 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Um, I have no idea what Paris looks like naked.

[Shuffles awkwardly.]

Crap, I'm a lousy liar.

Friday, June 29, 2007 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

That's it, from here on out, I'm only commenting in haiku.

FADKOG in prison
Shower room never the same
Flashing BOOBS! for smokes.

Friday, June 29, 2007 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Nicely done! Some days it does feel like a prison.

Friday, June 29, 2007 12:29:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I hate paris! she annoys the shit out of me! lol

Saturday, June 30, 2007 4:37:00 PM  
Blogger Jean Knee said...

It's very touching how jail has changed Paris. Martha Stewart said nearly the exact same thing after her incarceration. Such inspiration

Here's a fail proof way to get some free time to laze about in bed. First grab you stomach and say ooooh or something else subtle. Then" I think those tacos from Jose's House of Cat Tacos may have been bad. Puff up cheeks and run to bathroom. Leave bathroom and lay on bed. Husband and or kids will rush in for a million requests "where's my soccer pants?
did the gas bill come yet? I can't find the remote. etc etc
Slightly moan and say "I'm gonna throw up" and cover mouth with hand. They will instantly disappear. They'll be back so repeat as needed.

Saturday, June 30, 2007 9:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know a woman who had to spend a day in jail over a minor charge. She was allowed to take a book with her and she actually rather enjoyed her day of solitude. (She had three boys under 4 at the time) The thing that makes it more ironic is that her husband is a correctional officer at the next county's jail.

Sunday, July 01, 2007 6:32:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nanette - Who should we have out there ready with our get away vehicle?

FH - I get the whole idea of businesses paying people to "host" parties or whatever, but it irritates me that people who don't need the cash take it and do that stupid thing. Stupid things like talking about how gross it is to get naked for strangers. This is why I don't get sucked into celebrity things. Well, not vapid celebrities!

Stacie - Oh, I'm so going to refrain from saying some stupid joke about "boxes" and "women's prison," but I have to say, it's hard for me. So I'm sitting on my hands for a moment.

Ok. Better. I hope, dear, that the weekened ended well for you!

Rug's - I'm hoping there's no water torture and big girl come ons in a hospital retreat. And that I soon refrain from any more women's prison cliches...

Desmond - I don't usually pander to all the celebrity thing, aside from when I am left to shake my head in disbelief or disgust when you pan back and see the huge media circus that was on hand to watch Paris walk out of prison. I was shocked.

Would it make you feel better to know that the night before her interview, I watched Paul and Ringo be queried by The Worst Interviewer Ever?

FTN - I can't describe for you what Paris looks like naked.

(glances around. maybe giggles a bit)

I'm a worse liar.

FTN - But I am a fan of the haiku! Would you really and truly only comment here in haiku!

Your comments amuse
I would flash BOOBS! anytime
And I'm not lying

Chag - Thank you! And thanks for the link on your site!

Choppz - As she does to me, too. I'm only going to pay the slightest bit of attention to see if she actually carries through with some of the things she says she wishes to do now that she's endured such a hardship!

Jean Knee - Thank you for your visit! I am a true advocate of the "throw up fake out"! Hope you'll pass through again sometime!

Finished - Not that I actually wish to ever spend jail time, but wow, if I could take a book with me, I'd be locking the door behind me myself!

Monday, July 02, 2007 12:12:00 AM  

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