...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, July 20, 2007

if you'd like to end this call, please throw your phone against the wall and yell an obscenity

Thirty minutes into a once valiant effort to speak with a human at my local cable/Internet provider, I'm pacing my kitchen this morning like a cougar.

A cougar that can speak English and enjoys the different inflections her voice takes when she uses the "f word". And then picks the bones of the unheard dead she's trying to reach from between her glinty fangs.

Twelve automated hangups (after following all directory options to the letter! make that number!) later, I'm finally in touch with someone at a local office.

"Thank you for calling, how can I direct your call?" a lady asks.

"Let me direct this to you, though you're not responsible, and I know that, I get the feeling I'm not going to get to participate in the 'end of the call' survey I've been promised many times now," I respond. "You suck. Here's my telephone number as it appears on my bill. Look me up. Then repeat what I just said back to me, and when you do, I want you to say my name, bitch."

(That last part? OK, part of it is true. A lot of it was in my head. Though I'm a huge fan of "say my name, bitch" lately...).

"So...how can I direct your call?" I'm asked again.

"Listen. My cable? It's frozen on the Cartoon Network. Mommy needs to watch "The Young and The Restless" in an hour. How are you going to make that happen?" I ask.

Silence. I love customer service.

So I try another route.

"I've now tried calling via the automated number 12 times. Twelve times, after pushing zero, as directed to speak to someone in repair, I get hung up on automatically. I find that perplexing," I say.

"Oh! That's the problem!" I hear. "Don't press anything!"

"Um. That seems odd, don't you think? The directory gives you many options. Including an option to speak to repair," I say. "Never once does it say 'Don't press anything. Just hang on the line like an idiot who doesn't know how to work a telephone, say 'hello? hello? hell-oooo?' a lot into the phone and THEN get hung up on"

(Yes, I totally did the whole multiple 'hello' thing. Cut me a break)

I ask to be reconnected to try out this bit of magic she has suggested.

And get promptly hung up on. Again. After pressing no options. By now, guess what. I'm not happy. In fact, I said something about hating this company. In different, potentially uncomfortable positions.

So I call the local number again. Same lady.

"Guess who! Heard you missed me! Gimme some suga!" - in my head. Mostly I said "Hey, yeah, great idea. Not so successful."

She seemed shocked. At the very least, she feigned it well and if that be the case, I applaud her.

"Well, I know they're busy. They're taking lots of calls," she tells me.

"I can't imagine how that is even possible," I say. "Quirky, considering you also provide phone services. But who am I to split hairs."

"What is your customer service need, ma'am?" she asks.

"I need to not watch 'Camp Lazlo' all day. I need to be able to bring up my DVR recordings of 'The World Series of Pop Culture,' 'Dirty Jobs' and 'Ice Road Truckers' immediately. I can't do anything with my remote!" I say.

"Have you tried changing the batteries in it?" she queries.


Here's the part where you're going to think "Well, duh! The woman HAD a point with that idea! Did you? Did you actually TRY to change the batteries, Miss Smarty Pants?"

And I will tell you two things. First, I freakin' love it when you call me Miss Smarty Pants (what's my name, bitch!). Second, obviously, I changed the batteries! Well you should know my need to have the house stocked with various batteries in situations such as this and others that are, actually, sometimes more pressing then the need to change the batteries in a television remote.

I assure you and I assured the lady on the phone I gave that a hearty shot.

"Oh, well, you can just come down to the office and exchange your remote! We're open until 6 p.m. tonight!" she says.

And while I'm not that convinced that that option is actually going to solve my problem, while I'm irritated no one has suggested one of the company reps I see cruising around in their service vans out here just deliver me a new remote nestled on a red satin pillow, the fact is I do need another one. Because I tossed the one I was shaking at the television and trying to make work that way against the floor. Kinda hard.

You would too if you were stuck on the Cartoon Network all day, Smarty Pants.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

At first, I was thinking you meant a Cougar of a different sort...

Good luck! Have a great weekend!

Friday, July 20, 2007 10:52:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Yes, I am also stuck on Cartoon network all day, but not because it doesn't work. Simply because it shuts my kids up!!! lol

Also, we love ice road truckers too! lol Great show!

Ok...now....Say my name bitch!!

Friday, July 20, 2007 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

I seem to be havingproblems with my cable company as well. I can't seem to get any of my recorded shows to play. At all. None of them. How am I supposed to catch up on the hunting adventures of that hot blonde if I can't watch the shows I record?! I NEED MY DOSE OF TIFFANY!!!!

Of course after hearing of your problems with your cable company I'm sure I'll have the same problem if I call.

Seddening really.

Friday, July 20, 2007 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...


What is this. . . cable?

Friday, July 20, 2007 1:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, try the buttons on the front of the box first to see if they work. We've had two fail and both times they wanted to exchange onlt the remote when it was really the box that hozed up. Two trips down there for one problem.

On the not-able-to-play deal, um, sorry but your box may be hozed and all may be lost. We've had two DVRs go that way and both wime the hard drive was toast. And they don't reclaim recordings for you!

Friday, July 20, 2007 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

Um...are you going to require an excuse? because if so, I can customize the one I gave Ben to suit you instead. I don't really think he's going to use it, he's more of a "my dog ate it" kind of guy. You though, I think you would totally use a colorful story laden excuse. In fact, I withdraw my offer, I know that whatever you come up with will be far more entertaining!

Friday, July 20, 2007 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

oh and ps..dammit all to heck, I have missed every single episode of ice road truckers because my lame ass cable provider didn't give me a dvr box and the only thing gracing my screen at night is sports crap when the man is home. UGH! KILL ME NOW!
is it good? dont' tell me, it'll only make the pain worse...

Friday, July 20, 2007 2:04:00 PM  
Blogger cat said...

I was thinking Cougar of a different sort as well. Ha! Oops!

Imagine, living in a country where people might possibly speak with you in English on the phone. Being in Quebec all I get is French and then rude sounding noises if I try to see if we can conduct the phone call in English. The nerve I have, obviously!!

Did you try turning the cable box off, waiting 5-10 minutes and then turning it back on? Sometimes that resets things... heh.

Friday, July 20, 2007 3:15:00 PM  
Blogger George said...

It has electronics, it has a screen ... reboot ... you didn't have the bsod you had the cnod

Friday, July 20, 2007 4:47:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I lust you Miss Smarty Pants

Friday, July 20, 2007 9:49:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Ha! Gold...pure gold sweets!

Say MY name bitch! That is fnhot and impressive! ;)


Saturday, July 21, 2007 4:10:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

I think my favorite customer service call was when my internet was down and they directed me to their website for support.... lalalalalalalala

I never talk to the people who answer the phone. I always ask for a supervisor.

Funny, one time my remote went dead and I traded it in...but since I just schedule an appointment and someone does come out and fix it.

Monday, July 23, 2007 7:25:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

LPB - Well, I probably fit that cougar category, too, but I'm caged, so eh, whatcha gonna do! Good to see you back around!

Choppz - Say my name! Then turn the channel over to 'Ice Road Truckers' and let's settle in!

Desmond - I hear rumors of these silly things called "satellites" too, but all that scientific mumbo-jumbo just frightens and confuses me...

XI - Oh, I tried all those things you suggested. Many times. Some even before I ended up smacking the cable box thingy (that's technological talk right there, mister!). I do it all in the hopes of not losing the hundreds of hours of taped programming I have! It's happened before, I and have yet to forgive the cable company!

Stacie - You're a doll. I considered asking if I could borrow Ben's dogs as a means of justifying a new remote. In the end, all I had to do was have my husband go get new ones. No clever ruse necessary! Darn it!

And I don't have to fight for sports space on the DVR. Just science fiction. Did you know they run some of those science fiction shows all day? Because I did...sigh...

Cat - Actually, I fancy myself something more along the lines of a fancy panther, a puma perhaps. And I want my own show on the Discovery Channel. And I want Mike Rowe to host it. And perhaps ride atop my powerful puma back.

I'm sorry. This reply is taking on a tone entirely different than it's so nice and harmless precursor.

Ahem. Ok. Back to nice. I think I would dig the French, actually. I find that *I find* the French talking to sound a little dirty, and it would make all that time I spent on hold on the phone that much more interesting.

Sorry, this is taking another tone again...

George - Lots of rebooting was had. Even some hits sent from the company. But in this technological wacky talk that scares me, I've no clue what this "bsod" and "cnod" business is. However, let it be knwon I find abbreviations quite hot.

Savage - If you'd have tossed in a "say my name, bitch," well, there's no telling where that could have gone

Nan - We'll rule the world one day, baby!

Didja catch that? I just called you "baby" Heh. You're so hot!

Ed - Ugh! People! Sometimes they suck! My next thought was to schedule a time for the cable guy to come to the house, but it would have required me to wait three days, block out a four hour period on that day, and then remember to pick up my laundry off the various floors it's scattered around, so, you know, it all worked out in the end just going down there!

Monday, July 23, 2007 1:36:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

CH - Sorry! I missed you! Probably because I was trying to figure out who this "Tiffany" is you speak of. I only know of one "Tiffany" and she rocks an acid wash jean jacket and talks a lot about us being alone now. Probably not the same one, eh?

Monday, July 23, 2007 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

It's ok. I'm used to being looked over. It's the story of my life. *sigh*

You can find out who Tiffany is by going HERE! I know the Tiffany that you were thinking of as well. I had a thing for her when I was in Junior high. Her and Debbie Gibson. Those were the days.

But now it's about the new Tiffany. She's pretty hot to begin with, but put her in some camo with a gun in her hand and WOW!

Now if only she had red hair.

Monday, July 23, 2007 9:01:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

CH - There can only be so much hotness out there in the world with red hair and I'd like to think that I have the market pretty much cornered.

Mind you, I'm pretty much the only one who thinks that!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 11:36:00 AM  

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