...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

'it never felt so good, it never felt so right'

Contrary to what this may appear to be at first blush, no, scientists have not discovered the fossilized remains of a prehistoric snake, fangs bared and prepped for attack.

These bastards are my two semi-new bras. Bras that demanded I deprive my children of food and necessities in order to buy them just a few months ago. Sadly, as kick ass as the rack is, I can't entomb it in bras picked up at Target, just tossed in my cart capriciously while shopping the clearance aisles.

I lovingly hand washed you and complimented your smooth and luscious fit when others were around, and this is how you show your gratitude? By performing exploratory surgery on my right breast while I was at work tonight? That machete of a wire boring a hole into me wasn't distracting and painful at all! Way to test my steely resolve for five hours, bra. In the end, it was no match for your own.

When the first bra defected on me a few weeks ago, I chalked it up to the power it was trying to harness. But tonight, when the wire in the second one decided to poke it's gleaming little pointy head out of the lining like some rodent on Groundhog Day and give a hearty "how's it goin'?" to my nipple, I wanted to scream. And I would have if I could trust the customers not to look at me funny.

So I gasped instead, because seriously, that damn wire is sharp. I figured if push ever came to shove, I could've used these bras as catapults to vault my way clear of danger, or used the cups as a floatation device-slash-water containment facility should I have had to drift across the ocean on some special assignment for the government. Instead, I'm ready to go "mano-o-mammo" in a knives out street brawl.

So thanks for confirming my sarcastic love of lingerie, you expensive bras. Thanks for slicing me as a means of lifting and separating.

And thanks for making me have to struggle to find something to reign these things in once again, because I so adore bra shopping.

Bastards.

Labels:

28 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

Ouch!!!! Burn them all, damn it!!! ;)

hbnyq

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 1:40:00 AM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

I like nanette's idea. Just burn all the bras. But let's not just limit this to just you. We need ALL women to step up to the plate and burn them all. After all..... if you going to do it then do it right!

Oddly enough I too hate bra shopping. For totally different reasons though I suppose.
CH

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 2:24:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

You want I should kiss where it hurt you and make it all better?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 6:04:00 AM  
Blogger 2amsomewhere said...

Nanette writes:

Burn them all, damn it!!! ;)

Bra burning? That's sooooo 70s.

That would require our fearless blogger to actually trot out some AM radio tunes from that era, like Helen Reddy's "I am Woman". What's next, postings with the title "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo?" Oh, the humanity!

FADKOG writes:

Way to test my steely resolve for five hours, bra.

If there is any bright side to this story, it is that you didn't have one of those 18 Hour bras. Talk about your 3.6 times sized doze of pain and suffering!

--
2amsomewhere

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

figleaves.com!!!
I too, have a "kick ass rack" that defies target bras. I went to a boutique, got fitted, bought one there, and the rest on figleaves. It takes ALLLLLLL the torture out of shopping. (I'm not a shopping kind of girl) They have it all there, wires, no wires, (mine have plastic "wires", so much more comfortable)and they've held up forever! A bit pricey, but considering it's cut my shopping in nearly half, it's worth it. Look for coupons and codes to enter for % off or free shipping too.
Stacie

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 6:42:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

"mano-o-mammo"

(snicker)

Very cute, DKG; thanks for that. . .

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

ditch the bras ... heh

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

When we said we wanted to see your bra that is not what we meant. I am just glad my boxers don't come equipped with any wires.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

I too hate bra shopping. I can never find anything that really matches my beautiful eyes...
I mean Therese's eyes...

AWKWARD

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

BOOBS.

Both a blessing and a curse, aren't they?

Why wear a broken-down bra for 5 hours at work? A quick trip to the restroom to remove the thing, and your problems are solved.

Plus, you'd probably garner quite a bit of extra customer interest.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Hate bras, hate bra shopping and hate underwires. I so wish I had small boobies!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 1:06:00 PM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

Hey, retro is the style these days so bra burning it is. I'll douse-and-burns Queenie's after work. Any other takers? Who'll attend my funeral afterwards?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 1:31:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

It only happens twice a year and is over soon!

This is a fabulous time to replace all the dainty, lacy, flirty, or just comfortable female things that have broken or gotten too worn throughout the year. This is one of the few sales that I actually anticipate at other times of the year.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 1:46:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nanette - I'm afraid burning them would be akin to starting a wildfire out in the west!

Confused - Oh, there comes a time when these things demand the support. I'm afraid burning them would dangerous!

Savage - That would be a lot of ground to cover.

2am - What about "Free To Be, You and Me?" because honestly, I may have hummed that as I ripped this offending beast off my bosom last night in the parking lot after work.

Cripes...I just, without provocation, used the word "bosom" I'm my own grandma.

Stacie - You are like my little boobie angel! Or in this case, big boobie angel, but why dicker over words. It's so very tit for tat anyway, eh?

I'm going shopping on that site later!

Desmond - Everything I do, I do it for you!

Dzer - My bras, actually, are like ditches.

Finished - I've taken into consideration this interest people haev in seeing my bras, but to show them to people would be difficult. Why? Because I'm quite sure they'd block out the sun, making the actual "seeing" part of the equation moot.

RS - I strive for the kicky and pretty ones because I so get that matching it with my eyes thing! Or Therese's. Except that would be weird...

FTN - As fate would have it, you have just released the title to whatwill ultimately be my biography with that whole "BOOBS - Both A Blessing And A Curse" thing.

I thought about ripping the thing off, David Banner style, but I feared for the lives of the small children running through the store last night. Plus, I have to leave a little to the imagination of my work husband. Even though they aren't little.

Choppzs - The irony of life is that I rather dig the big boobs thing. Call me weird, but I can't help being a fan of mine. Unlike my bras, they've never let me down.

XI - I can't go to any funerals without a bra on. It would just be bad form!

Therese - It is with a great deal of frustration that I must admit that VS doesn't carry bras up to my size. So close, and yet so mockingly denied!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 3:24:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Argh!!! I hate that!! Damn bras! So expensive, and so unreliable.

Come to Chicago. I'll hook you up at Schwartz's Intimate Apparel. The little old Jewish ladies will feel you up and humiliate you, but you'll walk out of there with bras that a) fit and b) will last. Oh, and c) will cost about the same as college tuition, but that's the price we pay.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 3:57:00 PM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

OK. So I have the Target bra. And I've been coveting a "real" bra for awhile now. I'm pleased to know that the "real" bras fail just like the Target ones. Do you think Kelly would let me crash at her pad with you guys? I don't want to be alone with the Jewish ladies.
P.S. I'm always crossing my arms when the morning person neighbor shows up. Yep. No bra.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 4:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Terry said...

I ripped this offending beast off my bosom.
Shouldnt that read ample bosom? In my opinion bosom wasnt the grandma word, it was cripes!

Please do not discuss bras with me. I HATE the word and the stupid piece of fabric that my Dad used to refer to as an over the shoulder boulder holder. Unfortunately, though ample in all areas, my Boobalas are not nearly boulders but more like cup cakes. Bra mfgrs just assume all of us big girls have mondo boobs. And it just aint so. I want a piece of them there bra execs.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 6:03:00 PM  
Blogger George said...

I don't think all bras should be burned or removed ... we would end up with a lot more eeeewwwww than we would mmmmmmmmm

i love the way you write ... wicked sense of humor.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 6:39:00 PM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

No prob, I'll spot ya one black bra. It's only fair!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 7:47:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

Hi there! Linked ya from my sissy, Choppzs, site.

You'd think for what we pay for these damn things, sometimes, that they'd last a helluva lot longer than they do. Just pisses the crap out of me some days.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 9:55:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Kelly - I'm on a personal vision quest to obtain a bra that fits perfectly and instantly seems to disappear the instant I put it on my body. I don't want to tug, pull or know I have it on. If the little old ladies in Chicago can hook me up with that, then clear a space on your couch and I'll gas up the mini!

Rug's - Every day there is a delivery person at my door and every day I'm caught in my pajamas, braless for the world and for my comfort. Well I now the "arms crossed" method of friendly greetings. Stop by on your way from out west and pick me up and we'll journey to Kelly's! My hope is to never have to remortgage my house for a bra, but I'm to the point I'd consider it to get something fantastic.

Terry - I've a smidge of a love affair for the exclamation "Cripes!" It's my effort not to go overboard with the other words I could use in front of my children, one of whom I actually call "Boobala"! Saying "bosom" makes me want to sit on a veranda and fan myself while handsome men bring me lemonaide.

George - Suffice to say, these things only go without a bra while I'm safely entombed in my house or when alone in the mini for short jaunts where I'll not be getting out of the vehicle. I can't foresee that changing.

Thank you for the kind words on my writing, as well. I've a bit of the snark in me.

XI - I'm partial to the nude color ones myself, just for practical tshirt purposes and all, but if you're willing to buy me a black bra, I'll give you my size and look forward to greeting the delivery driver at my front door doing the arms crossed, no bra while in my pajamas greeting!

Wethyb - Yeah! A new reader! Thanks for coming by I paid a tremendous amount of money for the two bras that are now garbage to me and I'm sick at the thought. I just got done online shopping and purchased two, plus shipping and handling for about a third of what I got those two for. I just hope they contain these beasts. I hate this! Hope to see you around here some more!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 11:49:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

"It is with a great deal of frustration that I must admit that VS doesn't carry bras up to my size."

Saddly enough I know exactly what your saying. I too have the same problem. I want to buy myself one of those sexy bras but alas they don't have my sive either.

Oh wait a second. My wife used to have that same problem. We would always see the bras that would look goos for but they weren't in her size. Now that she has had the reduction done they have plenty of bras in her size. Now the problem is just affording them. I really need to get her out of those full coverage bras and into something a little more appealing to the eyes.
CH

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 1:48:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

amazing...the rack can not be contained....
I would love to be there when you return them... ;)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 6:13:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Confused - Sometimes the full coverage thing is truly a curse. It's like holding back wild horses. I'm assuming. Honestly, I know nothing about horses except they like to take off on a full scale run when I'm on one and that's not cool. As for reductions, I'm too great a fan of mine at the moment to consider such things, but I can totally understand the factors that go into having it done.

Ed - Sometimes I think they should their own little superhero capes, but that might be a bit pretentious and I don't need any more encouragement than I already give myself sometimes! I went to where I bought them last night. They seemed less than interested in thinking I should be refunded anything. Therefore, no more bra shopping there for me!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

"greeting the delivery driver at my front door doing the arms crossed, no bra while in my pajamas greeting!"

Um, yeah, that right there? Pure magic. I might have to find a way to personally deliver the package if such would be possible ....

oh yeah

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 9:22:00 PM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

My favorite place to buy my bras, is www.onehansplace.com, the reason ch hates me going there I go overboard on bras. This last fitting has me down to a 36C, they fit me better than the one's I've tried on at VS.
S.R.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 10:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Nocturnal said...

The neighbourhood wifeys were talking about bra quality and prices the other day. I couldn't believe it. I was thinking to myself I could by a zildjian cymbals for the amount they are paying -- and they are invisible to boot.

Thursday, July 12, 2007 12:15:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

XI - I'm typing this reply while still in my pajamas, unable to do the arm crossover thing because of the typing, but there is bunching involved, I suppose. Will this suffice??

Summer - I've bookmarked that site. I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new ones from where I ordered last night. Thankfully I've one lone sports bra helping me through this desolate time, but I'm afraid it's hanging by a thread. I can see why you'd go overboard at that site. Some bargains to be had.

Nocturnal - In what I've spent on bras in my short but illustrious bra-wearing lifetime, I could probably buy you a lot of cymbals, but that's not so practical for me. I can't go out of the house with cymbals strapped to my chest, though it might be an interesting look.

-------

So it charmes me that my bras (all glory to the bras) brings in this many comments. I adore you all! But that none of you noticed or mentioned that I am rocking the whole "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" (it seemed quasi-fitting, what the whole breasts/headlights thing. and because I'm kind of stupid like that) as the post title. I'm snickering like a 12 year old boy.

Thursday, July 12, 2007 8:29:00 AM  

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