...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, August 27, 2007

the gauntlet's dropped, starbucks

Oh, I'm on to you, you money grubbing, addiction feeding coffee pimp!

You see that over there? No. Jesus, Starbucks*. Look up. Then over to your left.

That over there is me. What am I doing over there, you ask? Good question.

I'm kicking your ass!

What's that? Oh, very nice, Starbucks. Really classy! You want me to repeat that?

Then come closer.

Kicking. Your. Ass.

No more will you make me feel used and unappreciated when I want a frappuccino. Nope. I'm through with you. I can make this baby in my kitchen at a fraction of the cost.

Hell, I can make about a year's worth of these in my kitchen for what it would cost me to drive to one of your many, many locations in my area and get all proper and snooty sounding when I ask for a venti. Assuming I use my very loose grip on math and don't cry when I work out the cost per ounce via a clever and yet still terribly perplexing story problem. Whatever.

So it was nice, Starbucks. Clearly, I had mad love for you. Told you all the time. Even when you didn't ask. I licked your whipped cream and toyed with your pretty green straws.

But no more.

Today, and days after today when I feel like absorbing way too much sugar and chocolaty goodness disguised as some veiled hint of coffee, I will just sashay into my kitchen, and ask myself "What would you like, beautiful?"

I'll respond, "Oh, my, how sweet of you! Wow! Now I know why I like coming here all the time."

And then I'll probably get a little irritated because I imagine a line will start forming behind me, what with other people wanting one of these delicious, cheap and "tastes EXACTLY like Starbucks!!" frappucchinos that I can whip up, so I'll say, "Seriously. I don't got all day here. Beautiful. Cute, yada, yada. Whattaya want?"

So I'll blush and then whisper I want a large (large, I say, not a venti!) frappuccino, all while wondering if I did something wrong and would it be OK if I came back to this kitchen tomorrow? Should I maybe wait to see if that very nice but sometimes easily irritated girl isn't there?

When I've given myself my order, I'll then thank me. Then I'll make it, dollop it, squirt it, stick my straw in it, and suck it down.

In a completely non-sexual way. I mean, honestly! What kinda girl do you take me for?

Sure, you had me at the very first taste,Starbucks. It's stunning how quickly those caffeine addictions take hold. Oh, sure, I know that a frappuccino isn't laden with caffeine, but baby, you brought the good stuff every time. And I told you. Every time. How much I loved you. How I craved you. You knew I did, even without asking, but I spilled. You did that to me, Starbucks.

I know. I know we talked about how we were committed. The only one for each other. You forgave me when I admitted that Caribou Coffee flashed it's good stuff at me a couple times. "We all have our weaknesses," you said. "But you know who whips your froth and gets you all steamed." True. Very true. For me, it always came back to you. You're like magic, Starbucks. I may never understand.

But no more! Although I know I'm gonna dwell on the fact that the chick in my kitchen making these tasty knock-off frappuccinos for me called me beautiful (but I won't think of her that way, you know what way I'm sayin'? Yeah, I know you'd like that, Starbucks), the time has come for us to wean ourselves of the other.

So thank you, Starbucks. Thanks for the love and for giving me things I sometimes didn't even realize I wanted (That strawberry frappuccino? Baby, you were so right about that!). I can take my own silly cravings into my own hands now. I do that a lot anyway.

Unless, of course, I'm at work and you lean over and whisper in my ear something about how bad I want one and "Hey, beautiful girl, that 50 percent discount would so rock hard up in there, what with all that pretty coin you're saving making knock-offs in your kitchen and all." Then, yes, alas, I'll probably cave.

'Cause you know me, Starbucks. Apparently I'm easy, and I'm so yours when you do that to me.

But still. I'm calling you out, and warning you, fair and square. I have a mean little kick. Especially when I'm hopped up on your sugar, sugar.

And, um, well...Panera over there has been eye humping me for a couple of months, and you know....sometimes we're fickle.

* I realize it's not an ad for a delicious Starbucks frappuccino, but seriously, it was worth it just to include. Glen! Glen, Glen, Glen!



Blogger Nanette said...

I don't even like coffee my sweet and you've made me crave a little. I guess since I've never tried the greatness, it shall be easy for me to turn away.

Great post my baby!


Monday, August 27, 2007 5:24:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, Darling! (Here's where I would normally bust, all 'Abbey-Road-like' into "I'll never do you no harm. . .", but I don't want to cliche myself, y'know?)

I've been on a Starby-Jones (no relation) for a couple years now, altho, like you, I'm startin' to feel the pinch of those $4 lattes, even only once a week.

But my most-favored local franchise (read: closest to home) has now got my order memorized, and associated with my face, so that, when I walk thru the door, they smile and say, "venti, low-fat latte, three pumps sugar-free hazelnut, two pumps sugar-free vanilla, no foam, right?" And I just smile back and say, "you remembered!" And how can you resist serious consumer-love like that?

But, Molly's been experimenting, and, while she's not quite 'just like Starbs' yet, she's makin' some pretty good stuff, that's probably more favorable toward my long-term viability than what Starby's is givin' me. . .

And - what kind of a girl do I take you for? Uh, Different? Was this a trick question? . . .

Monday, August 27, 2007 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I have a love/hate relationship with Starbucks.

I hate coffee. So there's that.

I spend about 4-5 hours there, late at night, one night per week, with a group of friends. And I love that.

You know how much money you can throw down on frappuccinos in 4-5 hours? Yeah, I hate that.

But the Espresso Brownie? Yeah, I kinda love that. And the hot chocolate in the fall. And the java chip frappucino, with no whipped cream. And the coffee cake.

And maybe a cookie.

I also kind of love how you can manage to sexualize pretty much anything you write about. Kudos to you for that one.

Monday, August 27, 2007 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

Ummmm... Can I come over?

Funny story. The other day I was in the grocery store pondering the various flavors of Cranberry juice and looking for one that was 100% juice. It's on the Superfoods list you know.

Anyway, this girl in a Starbucks uni comes and offers me a sample of some mocha orange something or rather. So I say SURE! I took one swig and it was the worst tasting stuff ever!

Seriously, will you send me the recipe?

Monday, August 27, 2007 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

My wife's having an affair with Starbucks. I'm just too cheap to give it a try (yeah, I'm *the* guy who hasn't had Starbucks).

Monday, August 27, 2007 1:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to fight back against the evil empire! Keep up the good work .... be strong!

Monday, August 27, 2007 2:38:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I refuse to frequent Starbucks and give my money to corporate coffee. Instead I go downtown to the local joint and like desmond jones-they know me and my poison. [sugar free decaf marshmallow latte with whip cream please] It's really more like desert but yeah it works on a cold night. In the summer they whip it all up and give it to me cold. Love that.

Monday, August 27, 2007 2:45:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

It's high noon and there's a new sherrif in town.

I do love starbucks, but really...I'm more of a 7-11 kinda gal. I do NOT want to learn how to make anything that good...that's dangerous info..

Monday, August 27, 2007 8:39:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

I never really understood the whole fascination with Starbucks. Or any other "specialty" coffe place. What ever happenbed to plain ol' coffee? Black.

I could go so many places with this- Airplane the movie 'I like my men like I like my coffee' Or even Dennis Leary 'I'm gonna open a store that sells coffee flavored coffee and beer flavored beer. Pull up your pants'.

I'm better than that though so I won't touch it.

I won't even touch the white mocha with a double shot of espresso, two squirts of caramel and whip cream. Really what ever happened to plain old coffee?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 1:31:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Sometimes it's better never to take that first taste. Ah, sweet words to live and learn by, baby!

Desmond - Oh, you can take me for any type of girl you want, mister!

You know what's cool about that particular different girl in my kitchen, cracking out the knock offs? She ALSO knows what I want before I ever have to ask. She ain't shy about adding a couple squirts of extra chocolate syrup into the blender, either, if she sees I'm having a bad day.

Even better? She looks away when I grab the can of whipped cream and maybe just insert it directly into my mouth. That right there is just good customer service!

FTN - And so it is with the conclusion to my response to Desmond and the start of yours that I agree, yes, I can turn just about anything I write into a veiled sexual foray. This being the case, you should SO check out my grocery lists!

But you only "kind of love" it?! Sigh. After I regaled you with tale of Costco hot dogs?! Perhaps my talky talk isn't quite as sexualized. I shall strive to work on this.

And I shall add, of course, that if you hung with me, a chick in the know, I could hook you up with a 50 percent discount, mister. Of course, this entails traveling to where I am, hanging out where I work when I'm working and then asking nicely for your Starbucks treat. Oh, and pretending you're my husband and/or significant other. Up to that point, it would just seem kind of "stalker-ish". However, because I well know the allure of a Starbucks cookie.

And I say that in a non sexualized way. As for writing it, that's a different story.

Rug's - As you've survived that gross orange concoction, I so do not recommend the blueberry frapp nor the raspberry mocha one. Just awful!

Rest assured, I don't do awful in my kitchen. You can drop by anytime. Until that happens, I'll try and remember to pop that recipe off to you soon!

Chag - I respect the open minded nature you have, accepting your wife's relationship with Starbucks. I also credit your stealy resolve at never indulging. it's like crack. Really, really expensive crack. Like more expensive than I imagine crack is. Do not start!

XI - Even with my very generous discount, I'm saving a ton. Thus, my stance against the big corporations stands firm! I'm sure they're pretty scared of me!

kimmyk - I'd be inclined to not frequent a Starbucks much, but it is truly right there in front of me, taunting me like some kid on the playground, yeah, THAT kid, when I go to work. There's a sense of "I am so good" about going up there and getting a gigantic frapp for under $2 instead of nearly $5, but I'm learning my lesson.

But god, dessert coffee is so good...

Stacie - I'll do my best to keep this info on the down low for you. Oh, you'll try to coerce it out of me sometime. I know I would. But I'll just remind you. New sheriff and all!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 1:47:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

CH - You slipped in while I was rambling up there!

I can't do plain old coffee. It's gross. I've tried. Honestly. Digusting. Truly, what I'm making is more dessert, and dessert is a very good thing. Much better than coffee!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 1:58:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Re: orange and/or raspberry and/or blueberry flavored coffees - coffee was just never meant to be fruity. Coffee is a bean, and it goes well with other beans (chocolate, vanilla), or nuts (I am way into hazelnut in my coffee). But not fruit; fruit in coffee is like putting ketchup on your peanut-butter-and-tuna-fish sandwich - it just don't belong. Now, fruit can do just fine in tea (Molly makes a wonderful peach/mint iced green tea); but not coffee.

And speaking of beans, a couple years ago, my brother-in-law gave me a box of those chocolate-covered espresso beans for Christmas. . . Oh, man, those things are addiction in one cubic centimeter. . .

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I'm hoping this Starbucks really takes you seriously. I know how hard it is to kick a habit.... Wendy's is finally out of my life now but geeez, who can turn down a woman who always cooks for you??

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 10:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is one mean drink right there, damn that looks good.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Now, I must say, I am a Starbucks Whore too! It all started with that damn Frappachino, then evolved into all the other yummy shit they have! Why oh Why? I think I need a coffee! Can you come make me one?? lol

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 11:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Tuesday, August 28, 2007 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Desmond - Oh, those fruity combos I mentioned were frappuccino flavors. Which would be good, I suppose, if you were a fan of drinking cough syrup and maybe huffing.

Thank you for making me gag a bit with the tuna and ketchup thought! Gah! I do have a friend who eats only peanut butter on his hot dogs, and then has the nerve to say my peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches are nasty! I blame my addictive personality for the concoctions. Thus, I'd be all over those chocolate covered coffee beans. But minus the coffee beans. Just give me the chocolate!

Slick - Starbucks doesn't seem too concerned about losing me yet. Keeps sending me little love notes, though. Wondering when I'll be back and promising me some of the good stuff. I hope Wendy wasn't such a persistent little minx. I know it's tough when the chicks are plying you with food. I see it all the time here.

Nocturnal - And like so many things, it tastes even better than it looks. Sometimes pictures barely do a thing justice.

Choppzs - The frappuccino is pretty much how Starbucks made me its whore, too. That or that first one I ever had was laced with meth. Either way, I was giving up my money to them like they would cut me if I didn't keep it up! Had I not regained myself, I was probably this close to needing an intervention. Working within three steps of one is not easy for my recovery, but I'm doing my best!

you da mom - I'll dig out the post-it it's on and pop it off. I'm just this close to having it committed to memory. A memory clouded by chocolate and whipped cream at the moment!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 9:10:00 AM  

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