regrets. I have a few.
In the event life ever hands me a 'do over,' the following is a small sampling of things I've regretted doing and would rectify if given the opportunity:
- Stealing a completed homework assignment from my second grade classmate and passing it off as my own to my parents (In the column marked "I'm not a total jerk" it should be noted the assignment had already been graded - A+ - and I really just took it because I liked the way my classmate drew his relief map).
- The life of crime this one act unleashed in me later in life when I'd clean out sections of Walgreens' Wet & Wild makeup aisle as a teenage shoplifter. The irony? Wel & Wild makeup made me break out.
- My sophomore year of high school when I answered to the poorly chosen nickname Garbanzo Bean.
- Ruining a perfectly good leather jacket with the salty tears of love lost that poured down my cheeks every time I heard Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You after my college boyfriend broke up with me. Over the telephone.
- Having a cassette of Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You - and only Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You - that I played virtually nonstop while driving (and crying) mindlessly after said college boyfriend broke up with me. Over the telephone.
- Suggesting to my not-yet-a-Tool Man we enjoy some Chinese food on the night we planned to consummate our burgeoning relationship, a move that would come back (up) to haunt me a few hours later when he untangled himself from me to dash to the bathroom, where he remained the bulk of the evening, moaning "It's not you, it's the mu shu" between each brief reprieve.
- Stringing along above mentioned former college boyfriend who came calling (over the telephone) to see if we might be able to repair our relationship and get back together a week after a healthier, permanently mu shu avoiding, not-yet-a-Tool Man had proposed to me. I did this so that I could break up with him. Over the telephone.
- Holding onto grudges longer than I should. I still can't eat mu shu.
- Going to a beauty school to have my hair colored and not speaking up when the color seemed far, far lighter than the shade I desired, thus setting the stage for the time known as "The Albino Era".
- My inability to run like anything other than a girl.
- The bags (BAGS!) of discounted Halloween candy I bought at Target this week. Get into ma belly, 60 cent bags of peanut M&Ms.
- All the times I've dropped whatever it was I was doing or stayed up late to watch Titanic on TNT. Psst....let me save you some time. Jack always dies in the end, Rose ends up a wacky old lady, and even though you promise yourself you're not going to duet with Celine Dion when she busts out with My Heart Will Go On, you will. You always will.
- My growing addiction to FiberOne toaster pastries. Dear Lord, deliciousness encased in a fantastic crust of regularity. What could be better?
- The fact that my kids only know Heart's Barracuda and Cheap Trick's Surrender as tracks on Guitar Hero.
- The appalling lack of linkage paid to Backpacking Dad here over the past couple of months.
Hardcore, eh? I know. No one expects a girl who answered to the name Garbanzo Bean to be such a romantic. Oh, you meant petty thief! Yeah, well, we all have regrets. Now I'm just old and have a desire to be regular. Seriously. Those chocolate toaster pastries are the tits. Or words that rhyme with tits.
Anything you want to get off your chest? You know what to do. Do not make me ruin yet another article of clothing with my burning tears of love!
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 8:55 AM
62 Comments:
I regret not traveling more before kids. And I regret never having had a chocolate Fiber One toaster pastry. I will take your recommendation and hunt some down.
Our common bond over FiberOne's tasty path to regularity makes me love you that much more.
And now I regret admitting that.
Must have been the mu shu.
We are like kindred spirits-you and I :). I also listened to Whitneys rendition over and over (and it still makes me cry). I also had an albino era (um, my hair is dark brown almost black)and I still run like a girl. You and me babe, you and me....
I regret currently being on Atkins now that you and Backpack Dad are praising FiberOne toaster pastries.
My wife came home with one of those heavily discounted bags of Kit Kats. She told me it was 74 cents. And I yelled, "AND YOU ONLY BOUGHT ONE?"
All By Myself was my miserable breakup song.
Regrets? I don't think I can list mine or I will never be able to run for a political office.
Interrupting my own reading to say the following:
WTF with the college boyfriends and the telephone breakup? Is it just me or is that our generation's "text breakup?" Effing COWARDS.
Okay, back to reading.
I knew there was a reason I loved you, I just didn't know there were so MANY reasons I love you. And here you have them all listed for me nicely and neatly. You Rock!
Stacie
Apparently, I need to regret having WAY MORE THAN ONE SONG.
"deliciousness encased in a delicious crust of regularity" -- bwahahahahaha!
I'm sorry, but Whitney's version makes my ears bleed and my husband commits hari kari every time it comes on. But the worst part? She almost ruined Dolly's version of it for me.
Hey! Why is my word verification word "creep"??!!
The Zellers in town used to be my constant victim. But I never went in knowing what I was going to shoplift; they were always crimes of opportunity. A pair of cheap sunglasses with plastic, neon orange, frames; a pack of Export A cigarettes (back when they used to have counter stands) which I then proceeded to open and smoke with my friend in the cafe 15 ft from the counter whence they came!!!.
Regrets? I don't know. Those sunglasses rocked and smoking was awesome.
I regret marrying the man that everyone told me not to. I regret that it took me 4 years to file for divorce.
I know there's no humor in my regret but it felt good to get it off my chest.
Let it be known I also regret the appalling amount of money I've spent in my quest for the perfect round brush (and hair products in general); the period where I wore a lot of neon; the week I pretended like I didn't speak English whenever I was out in public because my friends and I thought it was hilarious; AND the sad lack of responses to your comments here of late (well, I think it's sad. I don't know what any of you think) and the time away from your blogs.
Oh, I also regret getting the nickname Garbanzo Bean on the back of an old school baseball Tshirt with those funky iron on letters. People, I was so hot in my mind. So, so hot.
But, um. . . you ARE a girl; what else would you run like? (Molly also totally runs like a girl; which is totally endearing to me. . .)
I sometimes regret the hyper-clingy boyfriend I was to my first two GFs. I never would've broken up by phone; hell, they had to work hard just to get rid of me. . .
And I sometimes also regret staying at my first job, long after it was apparent that the company was foundering. . .
And I absolutely regret the bad temper I had for so many years, and the harm it did to my kids. . .
Other than that, not too much. So, that's not so bad. . .
And listen, Garbanzo Bean. . . I spent most of my HS years allowing myself to be called 'Goofy'. Which, nowadays, only grates on me a little, at class reunions. . .
I was beginning to wonder if you and old Backpacking Dad had some falling out. Glad to see that your man-crush and you are still together. And the mu-shu story? Had me bent over in hysterical laughter. You are my heroine. (Lady hero).
I was a teenage klepto, too! I had more makeup, hair accessories and cheap earrings than you could shake a stick at. What a dork.
- Kristin
Can I tell you something? At the end of Titanic when that old lady throws the priceless necklace into the water, I want to slap her face so hard. Why not give it to the granddaughter? But no. That wrinkled old biddy just tosses it away like it's trash. In my head I always imagine that Bill Paxton goes back under with his robot and finds it.
Oh there are so many! I could go on and on. Mostly I regret not trying harder in school because I was too busy getting high and not going to a four year college right out of high school when my parents would have paid for it. Now I have to pay for it myself. Dammit.
The concept of a Do-over is very popular. I've always thought of moving to a different town to start over but which town? Fort Hay, Kansas? Davenport Iowa? Tallahasse Florida?
Which one? They're all so tempting.
I'm not buying that he actually used the line It's not you, it's the mu shu while in the bathroom. That's just too beautifully, wonderfully perfect. There has to be some poetic license going on here.
I do a killer version of My Heart Will Go On by the way. Although you might regret hearing it.
I regret not managing my own finances when I was married to my first wife. I regret that a LOT. I'm also able to hold a grudge indefinitely. Heh.
Brilliant idea for a post! I might just have to steal it ;)
And we all have that song. And yes, the phone was our gen's version of texting - honestly I think I prefer the phone anyway.
I don't regret "sewing my wild oats" in college, but I do regret feeling mildly guilty about it.
While reading this Brilliant list, I kept getting the Image of Chunk from the "Goonies" confessing to the Fratellis.
I regret Nothing.
Not even the "Good Boy Choc Drops" under my Best fiends Hot Sub. He was sorta/super pissed.
i'm kicking myself for NOT buying any discounted candy...because my month of not eating candy is over TODAY bitches!
It's never too late to properly indoctrinate your kids on the joys of good 70s rock -- if my 3-year old twin girls can learn to love "Iron Man," you can helping your progeny to embrace myriad joys of Robin Zander, the Wilson sisters... hell, even Blue Oyster Cult, if you're feeling ambitious.
(Btw: verification word = celinds. A little too close to "Celine Dion" for my comfort.)
Just stay away from the Go Lean cereal. Trust me, you'll be writing another "I regret" post soon after.
(The farting, it is out of control.)
FiberOne eh? May have to try it after my week of narcotics!
My Titanic is anything Blade or Underworld. I don't know why. I get sucked in (no pun intended) and can't look away! I even watched a way past D cheesy vamp flick this morning.
I have many regrets but the vicodin is calling my name, so later garbonzo!
No regrets here. Everything I've done, stupid and otherwise has brought me to where I am. I like it here.
My regret crying over the college boyfriend who broke up with me by telling me that, and I am quoting word for word here, "My mom doesn't think it is a good idea for us to be dating." OMG are you kidding me?
One of my regrets is now one of my Twitter buddies. Go figure!
I'm going to have to check out those Fiber One toaster pastries. When I first saw them in the aisle, I thought it was sacrilege that they took something like Pop Tarts and made it healthy. But now that I'm a woman of a certain age, regularity is everything!
At least your kids know Barracuda as something, ANYTHING, other than a political convention theme song. (Which Heart didn't appreciate, apparently)
I regret that fact that I'm not a person who can say "I live my life with no regrets."
If a chocolate pastry counts as healthy, then I'm not feeling so bad about the 3 snack size Snickers I ate for breakfast.
And my word veri has the word "poo" in it. That's classic.
Oh lordy, for some reason I first read that as "FiberOne toaster PANTIES", and I thought, "hmmm, really?"
I regret my increasing dementia.
I also regret never telling off Sandy Pomeroy.
And the one time in 6th grade I joined in on teasing the poor girl that everyone teased... that, THAT I regret big time. So not cool. I still feel bad.
Do you ever wonder if getting a do-over would cause some unacceptable change in your life as you know it?
I have tons of regrets, but I'm afraid to even consider changing anything in the event of a do-over, 'cause what if I ended up without my children? Or with 13 children. I don't think i could take that...
I'm just saying. As effed up as it all was, I can't risk changing anything...
Oh - and my sister recently wrote an ode to the Fiber One Toaster Pastries.
Where have I been??
That's an impressive list - I'm in denial about having any, which is what keeps me sane. I'm also self-delusional ;-)
Nada. Wouldn't be here had I not done what I did. Nuff' said.
I have no regrets at all.. yup, I am perfect and tremendously well rounded and the best mom and the best friend money can buy.
I am also a pathological liar who accepts bribes to keep secrets.
ps- word verification is 'bunches' which is the way my knickers are twisting into right now .
I don't sing with Celine Dion. I don't know WHAT you're talking about.
*Looking for hidden recording equipment*
What's a little mu shu lost if it helped declare your one true love.
Too bad Cake's version of I Will Survive wasn't around back then.... It would have helped you much more better than I Will Always Love you.... Don't get me wrong. I do loves me some Gloria Gaynor but Cake makes it sound so much more vengeful. That and they have a kick ass horn solo going on....
Lusting you muchly....
P/S: Your word verifications are starting to look more and more like real words... else I am delusional....
luckily most of the stuff i should regret i can't completely remember.
The part about the Titanic theme tune really appalls me.
I remember playing one particular Radiohead song TO DEATH during one sad college romance going belly up.
Now that is a regret.
I regret not being here from the beginning as we would be super BFF's by now!!
And I'm not even being sarcastic!
I too share the affliction of the search for the one hair product that is going to change my life. It's a tough one. Sometimes I feel like I have too many regrets and that bums me out. I regret too many regrets!!
I firmly regret that Fiber One bars give me the most painful gas in history. Because, you know, there's nothing sexier than a chick doubled over due to gas pains.
Hott. With 2 t's.
I think the Wet n' Wild breaking you out is kharma. That's a lesson to teach your kids! If I listed all my regrets from the time I was 7 til now I would have to just take over your blog. lol.
BUT I did get broken up with over text message. Last week. From my husband. But he came back, so it's all good.
I once had a boyfriend break up with me by leaving a "dear john" letter tucked under the wiper of my car.
I totally regret not chasing him down and stuffing it down his throat.
And she always throws that big ass diamond, or whatever kind of stone it was, into the ocean at the end. WTF is up with that?
You do know that Dolly's version is better, right?
Well well well......
I regret only living in London for 6 months, when I should have stayed there forever...not enough traveling, not using uni to actually help me get a job in poli sci and most important regret taking 27 years to find the perfect hair stylist and learn how to do my own hair....why did it take me so long, my hair was so bad for so long!
I am a goodie too shoes, never stole anything, nor smoked, nor cheated in school...do I regret that? hell no
I regret linking to the 'Hips Don't Lie' video from another one of your posts. Now I am just depressed.
I regret ever wearing a scrunchy and the time I got lost in an elevator. College was rough, people.
I regret only getting my fibre from a Metamucil tab.
If I coat them in chocolate you think that will work?
Or would you do a bitch a favour and send me some? Cause I am awesome and all that...
i have one regret in my life and that shall remain silent. but you know it.
oh i do regret the day i ever ate a vanilla almond biscotti from starbucks. i can't kick my habit. totally thinking of a 12 step program these days....
miss you. love you.
Wet & Wild! Thanks for that flashback! Super sticky, super glittery, baby pink lip gloss that totally matched my pink Chick Taylors and pink clip on bow for my hair...
Talk about regrets...
Shut.Up! FiberOne has pastry? You have no idea how much I like to pewp. Seriously. It's almost disturbing.
What rhymes with tits...like what you get when you eat mu shu?
This is just the reason why I've given you the Kreativ Blogger award, which you can pick up the next time you drop by.
Cocotte - I'd opt for travel before the FiberOne pastry, but, well, the pastry is all I can afford these days.
Always Home - One must never regret their true, healthy colon feelings, dear.
Christina - Ah, I love finding a kindred!
Prefers - Believe me, the FiberOne's are good, but I'd rather belly up to bacon.
Chag - I think your miserable break up song is so much better than mine!
kimandco - I don't have the thick skin for public office, I spill!
Waltz - Considering I'd been with said former boyfriend the week prior and we'd mapped out a wedding and such, I'd say totally cowardly!
Stacie - I always love when you come around because you fill me with affirmations!
Waltz - Belive me, there were a couple other songs, too.
Madame - It was probably "creep" because one of my other break-up songs was Radiohead's "Creep".
BP Dad - You're so cool. So totally cool. ;)
kaila - I have some big old humorless regrets, too, so it's OK.
FADKOG - I still regret how many of you I've not gotten around to visiting yet. I also regret that I bought that Garth Brooks cd when he fancied himself a pop singer and released music under the name Chris Gaines. I'm supa cool, yo!
Des - I'd bet a lot of us have regrets similar to what you mentioned. Or maybe just me. :)
Des - The good thing about my lame nickname is that only a small circle of people knew it. Until now. Good job, me.
steenky bee - The only way BP Dad is going to get rid of me is if he breaks up with me over the telephone, and since he doesn't seem to know my telephone number, we are totally on like Donkey Kong! And you? You're my everything!
Kristin - Yeah for the teenage kleptos! Why my parents never questioned where I got all my make up, books, 45s and hair products, I'll never know!
blissfully - I ALWAYS yell at that old lady. Every time. Because I watch it every time it's on!
kd - You make me happy I didn't list one of my regrets was not trying the bong when it landed in front of me. Because I used to think I'd regret it, but I knew, really, that I wouldn't it.
Papa - It is my experience that Davenport, IA, is not that tempting.
ftn - I assure you, my good man, that the first mu shu line is very true. I also assure you that if you serenaded me with some Celine, I'd swoon. I shall await the link.
goodfather - A toast to grudges! I'd buy you a drink, but I'm broke!
Maggie - Steal away! Let me know if you do so I can add more regrets in your comments!
ciii - I just recently saw "The Goonies" for the first time. You're spot on.
ali - If I lived near you, I would share my bag of KitKats. If I still had any, that is... :)
twobusy - When we hear songs on the radio, they often blurt out "That's on Guitar Hero, Mom!", but I'm working on it. Your word verification is more creepy than Madame's, who actually got "creep," btw.
bejewell - I love ya, lady. I also, um, kinda love me that GoLean cereal. Not the GoodFriends kind, though. Blech.
Lori - Gah! I forgot the Blade trilogy. I also get sucked (no pun intended) into that when I stumble across them on TV!
heinous - I like to think that, too, but sometimes I wish I'd broken up with the college boyfriend before he could do it to me!
kat - OMG! For real, I'd like to see what the dude's life is like today!
CT Mom - It's funny (or sad) what we'll sacrifice when we become that person of a certain age!
Bunny - You have a very good point there!
Biscuit - If I rocked your hot body, woman, I'd eat FOUR snack size Snickers for breakfast. I also dream of getting a great word verification like you got! Heh!
Weirdgirl - Sigh...I have some of those same regrets. I also regret not being the girl who spoke up when she should have found her voice.
ES - Hmm..I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. If there was such a thing, I would be married to that former college boyfriend, of that I have little doubt.
ES - I must find your sister's ode!
Brian - The bulk of my lif is fueled by self-delusion. It's OK!
kori - I think you're pretty great, and not having any regrets is pretty great, too.
swirl girl - Heh! I think I can relate to that. I hope you're still out there with me, too! I'm making my way your way as soon as I can!
kate - Every time I even see a picture of Celine Dion, I sing that damn song!
Zip - You're exactly right. We are about the romance!
Savage - Oh, I don't think you're the least bit delusional. Except maybe in the lusting department! :)
Ms. Picket - You are a lucky one!
Chris - If it means anything, I find it appalling, too.
dcd - I have little doubt we'd have been besties from the start, but we can be now! And I'm not even being sarcastic, either!
aunt becky - I've never had this problem the rest of you seem to have with the FiberOne products. Hmm...I must not be hott!
Wendy - I swear to you, I can't walk by the Wet & Wild stuff at Walgreens and not feel guilty to this day!
Chas - I think your break up tops teh telephone call move!
Chuck - You can have faith in me that I believe Dolly's version is definitely better!
Good girl - Yep.
loudange - Except for the shoplifting stint, I was a pretty good girl. A pretty good girl with really horrible hair. :)
Michelle - Believe me, I still am, too!
sammanthia - OMG, I was one of those people who swore she'd never own a Scrunchy, but seriously, now, I always have one in my pocket and two in my purse!
kelley - I wish that kind of thing worked. Hell, I'd drink chocolate syrup if it did. Hell, I drink chocolate syrup now.
kimmy - I thought about mentioning a version of what your regret may also be, but I figured such vile things didn't merit mention. I also love you and miss you terribly!
Seriously Mama - What you describe would be like looking in the mirror for me!
Sherendipity - Some days, doing just that is the best part of the day. Sad, but very true. :)
tattooedminvanmom - Or what you get when you eat FiberOne regularly.
Phyllis - Heh! Thank you for your vote of creative confidence in me! :)
I am soooo late on this comment but can we take a moment to discuss the FiberOne toaster treats? I saw them for the first time the other day and was intrigued. But um, I have a long sordid history with FiberOne bars (read: http://omgdgms.com/category/fiber-one-bars/). Talk to me ...
Post a Comment
<< Home