...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

tonight's episode - 'the case of the filched fire wood!'

When my Tool Man and I moved into our present house, we were most excited at the prospect of having a fireplace in our living room. We both imagined winter nights with a roaring fire crackling in our cozy abode, the heat emanating into the room a metaphor for our burning love. The first time we left the house following a visit with the former owners, we were barely out of the driveway when we turned to each other and both exclaimed, "FIREPLACE!!"

"You know what that means, don't you?" Tool Man asked.

"Hell, yes! We can make s'mores any damn time we want!" I cheered.

"Oh, well, not quite what I was thinking," Tool Man responded, wiggling his eyebrows. "I was thinking more along the lines of sex in front of the fireplace. Romance. You know. All that." (sidebar - ah, the good old days...)

"Are you sure this isn't just your way of avoiding marshmallows?" I said.
"I mean, I don't like them, either, but we're talking s'mores, honey..."

Long story short, we soon took possession of the house and have enjoyed our fireplace several times when winter has whipped across the tundra. Has there been sex in front of the fireplace in that time? Yes, although, to be honest, the fireplace wasn't in use at those times (hold on a moment, let me ask Tool Man something - "Is it because I'm all the molten hot love you need?" "What? Did you say something? I'm playing a game here!")(sidebar - ah, the good old days...). Have there been delectable s'mores made in our living room? I regret to tell you the answer to that is also no, and also, did you know you could whip those delicious bad boys up in a microwave in under 20 seconds? The more you know (the bigger your ass can possibly get)...

Thanks to the miracle of blankets working in tandem with my super hot hotness (aided by delicious s'mores...mmmm...s'mores!), we really haven't used the fireplace we were so excited about in quite awhile. However, we have kept a large supply of firewood stacked out on a corner of our lot should the desire strike.

Until today, that is!

(cue the
Scooby Doo theme song!)

This morning, I was standing on our deck, taking in the glory of the straw-colored grass and the tattered plastic bags being held tight in the branches of our bare trees, surveying all the eye could see, when I noticed something considerably wrong in our yard. Despite it's considerableness, it still took me a moment to realize what wasn't right. Finally, it hit me that our gigantic pile of wood was gone. Not only that, but the villain or villains had also absconded with two large wood pallets the firewood rested on, and removed a half-buried piece of rebar (which, interesting sidenote, I've been asking Tool Man to remove from around the firewood pile as well as the four trees growing in our backyard for years, only to have him tell me it was virtually impossible because the ground - or Earth, as he likes to call it - was too tough)

I present to you People's Exhibit A (where once firewood stood) and People's Exhibit B (a close-up look at how easily rebar can apparently be removed):

Shocking, isn't it? In fact, some might even say ZOINKS!

I immediately made like Shaggy and Scooby, my feet spiraling in one spot for several seconds before propelling myself inside to tell Tool Man and the rest of the gang we needed to hop into the Mystery Machine and head straight for the Haunted Mansion to solve this one (fingers crossed it was the work of a bunch of knuckle-heads wearing masks!).

Tool Man, in his best Freddy fashion, straightened his ascot and went next door to see if the neighbors had heard or seen anything suspicious while I, doing my best aloof Daphne (I really do not care one bit for these particular neighbors), waited in the yard for him to come back with our first clue.

"They said a woman came knocking on their sliding glass door a few days ago, asking them if that was their firewood out back," Tool Man quickly reported. "Also, they said the woman scared them to death!"

"Was it because she was wearing a mask and told them they must leave this haunted place immediately?!" I asked (fingers crossed)(these people really need to move, pronto), thinking we were going to solve this case quicker than anticipated, upholding the grand tradition of allowing some sad sack to curse us for not allowing them to get away with their plan.

"No," Tool Man sighed. "It's because she came through their backyard to knock at the back of the house."

Care to see my neighbor's backyard?

It's funny they answered their sliding glass door, because we're well aware of the fact they've never answered their front door to the city compliance officer who routinely comes around to inform them their broken fence and fence panels laying everywhere is a violation of city code. The second photo? Oh, that's a view of their fence (built RIGHT ON TOP of the property line) from my yard. Wavy, baby! I swear, one day, I'm going to put a mask on and set that thing ablaze (and now let's forget we ever had this conversation...). Anyway, the fence serves as a pretty clear indictator that our wood pile, at about 5 feet from the fence, is not likely the neighbor's possession.

We then stood around looking at the crime scene for several minutes, but spied no clues. After several hours cruising around in the Mystery Machine, listening to Velma as she tried to harsh our buzz with her logic, and consuming copious amounts of Scooby Snacks, we decided we'd call the police and at least report a theft and/or vandalism. Here's a funny thing, though. Crime apparently takes the weekends off here in the suburbs. Lawman, lawman, lawman, where are you? No one answers the phone at our police station after 5 p.m., on Fridays. Had the 49 Miner been privy to such information in episode 4 of the first season of Scooby Doo, I've no doubt he'd have outsmarted Scooby and the gang, thus saving the world from later special episodes involving the Harlem Globetrotters and the Addams Family (and, blech, Scrappy Doo).

The irony in this? This unsolved mystery involving hot firewood now gets filed away as a cold case.

rut row...



Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Girl you got me runnin', runnin' [cue chase sequence involving physics-defying hallway door entries and exits]

Word verification? "guraft". Like, what happens to you on Geoffrey Giraffe's candid camera show on MTV.

Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

How odd. I didn't know that I should be protecting my husband's wood. *smirk*

Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No kidding about the nauseating Scrappy Doo. Came along and spoiled a classic. I'm the Velma type myself--wore glasses and my grade school nickname was Walking Dictionary.

May your stolen wood be full of beetles, ticks, pill bugs, and other creepy-crawlies that come out and CLIMB UP THEIR PANT LEGS when they get the contraband into their haunted abode.


Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

insert laugh track here.
and groovy 70's funkadelic music.
let's not forget Sandy Duncan!

Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:21:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BTW - I implore all of you to go back and read this post with the voice of Casey Kasem in your head, and perhaps Davy Jones of the Monkees as a special guest star!

Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:25:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Now how am I supposed to get the Scooby Theme out of my head?? grrrrrrr.

My word verification is "fledne"... I think that's a cross of Fred, and Daphne, or something.

Sunday, March 22, 2009 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Stolen firewood...what is this world coming to? You can hope it was someone who is now warm and cozy who would have otherwise frozen to death. Maybe they have termites now.

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:07:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

The ascot straightening killed me! And someone stealing firewood in MARCH? Cue the Scooby, "HUUURRRNNN???"

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:19:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

If you really need some firewood you could always just use some of the neighbors' fence. Seems they have enough of it.

Whoever came up with Scrappy Do should really be physically harmed.

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:33:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Our police are just the opposite. The patrol the streets for people out after dark without reflective gear on.

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:35:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

First of all, weird. Weird that someone stole a pile of wood, and weird that they wanted that rebar too. Maybe they wanted to build a fire, melt the rebar, and fashion little lead animal curios? It's likely. And my dad says the word "earth" instead of ground or even dirt. Sounds kind of groovy to me.

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm torn between thinking "they must have been in desperate need of heat for their family" and "what a bunch of degenerate asshats - I hope they set their house on fire."

What would Scooby do?

Monday, March 23, 2009 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

"rut-ro"!!!! un.be.liev.able...... As I was reading this post I looked out the window at our wood pile b/c she just may show up here!!!I.am.so.scared!!!!!
well, did you get any good scooby snacks out of the deal???

Monday, March 23, 2009 8:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's kind of freaky, but it could be worse: you could have a 10,000 Volt Ghost. Nothing fucks up property values like a 10,000 Volt Ghost.

Monday, March 23, 2009 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Is it just a weird coincidence that my post today involved firewood and marshmallows? How strange.

Monday, March 23, 2009 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I wouldn't worry about that neighbor's fence too much. It sounds to me like scary back door lady will be back soon to remove it, too.

However, if you DO ever find this culprit, send her my way. I have a piece of rebar in my yard that my husband has been happily mowing around for 5 years because, alas, "It's next to impossible to remove."

Monday, March 23, 2009 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Should your sleuthing lead you to the culprit - wow, I've been dying to use "sleuthing" in a sentence for years - please send him or her my way as well. I have a mischievous dog and a dirt pile I might be looking to unload.

Really liking the "Scooby Doo" visuals, by the way.

Monday, March 23, 2009 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

I'd check the abandoned amusement park first.

Monday, March 23, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I love S'mores!
We have a fireplace and I've never thought of cooking up a batch of smores. HA! Guess what momma's gonna be cookin' tonight?!?

I think you totally need to stake out the neighbors...maybe put a few pieces of firewood out there as bait and totally sit and wait...and when they come back (cause thief's usually do) justice will be yours.

Monday, March 23, 2009 9:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you dust for fingerprints? That's what Velma would have done. Or maybe you can start knocking on door all over town and show them pictures of firewood. "Have you seen this wood?". Or maybe hang up flyers.

Monday, March 23, 2009 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Peggy said...

I'd love to help you solve your mystery but I'm too busy "zoinking" and eating pizza pie with Shaggy. Sorry.

Monday, March 23, 2009 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Stolen wood, rebar, scooby, omg I love you.

Your scooby post is way better than mine.

And dude, I cannot believe someone stole your wood.

Monday, March 23, 2009 10:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...too bad your team couldn't finger the culprit...ok, that came out wrong...Now my inner teenage boy is laughing at me.

Hope you had fun invesitgating.

Monday, March 23, 2009 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oooh, scary people with a nefarious log-napping scheme. . . Cool!

But (*scratching head*) - stealing FIREWOOD? Good grief. Especially walking deep into someone's (ie, your) yard to snatch it. Which they probably didn't accomplish in just a minute or two. Some pretty brazen wood-grabbers, there. . .

I'm with Barb - may the grubs of a thousand rotted logs infest their lawn, and their armpits. . .

And seriously? - Your police take the weekends off? SERIOUSLY? 'Cuz, you know, bad guys never do anything on weekends, right? (Life in Iowa suburbs must be more idyllic than I thought. . .)

Monday, March 23, 2009 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Police stations here are often only manned in office hours. A pity the theives don't do the same.

As someone else said, you need to look over the crime scene for fingerprints, as well as bodily fluids, of course.

Monday, March 23, 2009 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

who in the hell steals firewood?!?!

also, is it wrong that i'm insanely jealous of that backyard?? it's HUGE. i really hate your neighbors now.

Monday, March 23, 2009 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

So, did the crappy neighbors tell her "Yes, that's our firewood, but we don't want it - take all you want??"

I second the motion that you use their fence panels as firewood when the time comes.

who steals firewood? I have three more dead trees in my backyard, if you and Toolman will come cut them down, you can take all the firewood you need...

Monday, March 23, 2009 1:05:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Clearly it was old man Peterson who used to run the funfair.

Obvious, really.

Monday, March 23, 2009 1:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've gotten away with it too if it were for those damn kids and that damn dog and those damn neighbors with the damn hole in their damn fence!

Monday, March 23, 2009 1:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Monday, March 23, 2009 1:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or is it damn it?

Monday, March 23, 2009 1:34:00 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

So I totally just blew my diet with s'mores last night.

three of them.

Oh and our neighbor hid all his firewood after he told my husband he could use as much as he wanted when he was drunk.

Our neighbor was drunk, not my husband.

Wait, scratch that, he was probably drunk too.

Do we live next to you?

Monday, March 23, 2009 3:07:00 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I'm so glad we replaced our wavy, crappy fence last summer so I can enjoy this story without guilt.

Monday, March 23, 2009 6:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Termites, a wrath of termites on the theives... unless they were old and freezing then I don't know what they deserve, to at least lose their dentures.

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:48:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

That's just insane..are people that desperate they'll stoop to stealing someones firewood? OMG!

and ps..I HATED scrappy doo! but man how I loved Scooby!

Monday, March 23, 2009 7:52:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

We were excited by our fireplace too but the only action it's seen in the past 4 years is being the parking garage for Thomas the Tank Engine.
So were your neighbors so scared they said, "Take it just take it!"
I'm not the first to say it, but really, you know what to do with that fence.

Monday, March 23, 2009 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

Heh... "Wood"... heh heh... and also, "zoinks"... heh heh heh :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 12:02:00 AM  
Blogger Tina@ SendChocolateNow said...

Zoinks! I bet it was old man Farley, the one working at the amusement park that they just closed.

That would make me nuts.But I am sure I would hide in the van like Shaggy and Scooby. I don't wan' no trouble.


(ooh and my word verification is "spine" what is the universe trying to tell me??)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 3:19:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

That wood was probably getting all rotted and wormy anyway - good riddance, I say! Now you have an excuse to shop for new wood and shopping is always good, right? Apple makes a nice firewood. Doesn't burn as well as a harder wood, but it smells nice.

We never used our fireplace in the 10 years we lived in our last house and haven't used the fireplace in our current house. Unless you count the elaborate fireplace candelabra with 19 candles (why 19? IDK. Maybe 18 or 20 was just too even).

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

oh man, i would be inclined to chase the woodnappers with a hatchet if i found them. that just ain't right. we have a fireplace and use it frequently. it's a helluva lotta work for the hubby to procure and process enough wood to keep us well supplied.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 8:48:00 AM  
Blogger Bekah said...

wow weird!And although I am sure you are glad to have the rebar out of the picture, why on earth would they take that?!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger Evil Twin Sister said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Evil Twin Sister said...

Okay, I know I'm a bit lacking in the IT department (a bit, ha! that's funny!), but where's the damn "Follow" button?!?!

I've read three of your posts and now I just HAVE TO FOLLOW!!!

Please help.

But respond to
evil twin sister wendy at gmail dot com
Please please please please!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

It was me. It was totally me.


(sprints away while laughing maniacally)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 1:16:00 PM  
Blogger Bee (the one who muses) said...

It was Velma! She was hoping to catch Fred by surprise when he separates from Daphne while looking for clues and then have him build her a log cabin with all that wood where she will tie him to the wall and make him call her “Dolly”.
She is one weird chick.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 1:19:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

As much as I hate theft of any kind, maybe they did need it. The thing is, you probably would have given it to them, had they knocked on YOUR door and told you they needed it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

Firewood theft? At the end of March? Like ..that is so mysterious! hehehehe You crack me up, girl!

... and Scrappy Doo? yeah, he sucks.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 5:16:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I have the sudden urge to eat a huge sandwich in a single gulp then lick a coating of cotton candy off myself in two swipes... (You've seen pics of my tongue...)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BP Dad - Day dreaming, heads in the sand, day dreaming, gee, but it's grand! (Only Scooby Doo song I can recall at the moment. I think it involves being in love win ostrich, so, you know, weird...)

Heather - Apparently, I should have covered my husband's wood!

Barb - Truth is, as much as I'd like to be a Daphne, I'm more Velma with my glasses on and my bookish knowledge of random things.

Swirl Girl - Or Don Knotts!!

Hey, Who's This Hotty?! - You wrote this entire post with the voice of Casey Kasem in your head, didn't you? Yeah, I know you...

Sailor - You can't get that junk out of your head! That's the beauty of it. Or the agony.

Under the Influence - From the looks of the scraps on the ground, they probably have something nefarious after taking that wood.

Cocotte - It makes me say jinkies!

Dana - Oh, that fence! That fence makes me crazy! And they are renters, and the actual home owner doesn't even live in the state, so oh, everything is awesome...grrr...

Prefers - When I used to have two cops and 5 city employees on my street, you couldn't walk for the town cops coming to hang out on my street. Now you can't bump into one in a 10-mile radius!

MereCat - I only hope the rebar was necessary for good and not for evil! I also wish they'd removed all the other pieces stuck in my earth!

Mary Ellen - Scooby probably would have attempted to hide and definitely have eaten a sandwich. So predictable, that dog.

Christina Lee - If I hear of a rash of wood thefts, I'm definitely alerting everyone I know!

TwoBusy - Also, if I ever look out my window and see The Headless Spectre or The Phantom Ghost, I'm putting this place up for sale, pronto!

Kat - Very strange! Kids love their marshmallows, don't they?

Chas - I can't believe Scary Backdoor Lady didn't take that big piece of fence panel laying in the neighbor's yard!

Legallyblondemel - Be on the lookout for apparently wood-happy women!

Always Home - Wait! What if I find KISS there, instead?!

kimmy - And when they come back, I'll flick a flashlight on, and ask them if they want my wood. Woodnapper, eh? Very sneaky!

Sammanthia - We needed a Velma in this situation. Tool Man and I were definitely Freddy and Daphne, leaving the scene, counting on other people to do all the leg work on the crime solving!

Peggy - Shaggy's the one who is the most fun to hang out with. I don't blame you for zoinking around with him!

motherbumper - Fist bumps, fellow Scooby-themed post writer!

Meg - The gang at Mystery, Inc., may forever fail to finger the culprit in this case, sadly...

Des - Technically, the wood pile is on a corner of our lot, near a sidewalk, but it's been unscathed for years until now. It's the weirdest thing.

Brian - Crime never takes a rest. Cops shouldn't either! New ad campaign, btw...

Ali - I really dislike my next door neighbors. I keep recruiting bloggers I love, but so far, no one wants to put up with me!

Eternal Sunshine - I often imagine a hot dog roast off that fence some days...

Chris - And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for your funny comment!

TattooedMinivanmom - I'm partial to dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Betsey - If you did live next door to me, I wouldn't hate you. I would also bring over s'mores. Drunk on s'mores, yo!

HoodChick - Can you forward me the name of your fence person so I can leave it anonymously on my neighbor's door?

Marla - I'm with you! A wrath, but only if it's worty. A worthy wrath!

Stacie - I am, and forgive the wood-related pun, burnt out on Scooby Doo after years with my oldest being infatuated with the show. I've seen them all too many times!

Zip n Tizzy - If you hear of a fence burning, you didn't hear of it here, that's all I'm sayin'...

jenny - Jinkies! Wood, wood, woody wood!

T - I always thought old man Farley looked quite suspicious...

Bunny - Any excuse to shop, especially for wood, is a good excuse. Also? Wood. Heh.

lime - Tool Man is lamenting the time all that lost wood represents, even if we haven't really used the fireplace all that much. We have a fire grill outside, though, and now we can't use that.

bekah - That's the oddest thing about this, really. I wish they'd removed the other seven pieces of rebar in my yard, though, too!

Evil Twin Sister - I hope you got my email. I hate what Blogger does to my page when I put it in 'layout' mode to have the 'follow' gadget, so I haven't done that. I also don't know how others are following me, but apparently, they are, so who knows. I need layout skills...

Aunt Becky - I thought this looked like your work! ;)

Bee - Wouldn't surprise me one bit. Velma really needs to get revenge on the rest of the Scooby gang for making her do all the hard detective work and then having them take all the credit for solving the mystery.

Heather - Oh, believe me, if they'd have come to my door and asked for some firewood, I'd have been inclined to share some, though not give it all away. That's only if they came to the front door, though. Had they knocked on the back door, that would have scared me, too!

Divine Chaos - Not only in March, but during a week when temperatures soared into the 70s for the first time in ages!

Savage - Somehow, I imagine what your describing to be a bit more intense then your average episode of Scooby Doo...hmmm... ;)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I'm finally here simply to say this: The jig is up, the news is out. They finally found me. The renegade who had it made was retrieved for a bounty.

Extra points to you for using the word "absconded" in a blog post.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 10:11:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I loved Scooby Doo when I was little and so does my daughter but I could never remember all those details. I'm impressed.

Our fireplace didn't work when we moved in but then again, our marriage wasn't going too hot at that point anyway so trust me, fixing it for love reasons would not have been the best way to spend our money. Now he is gone and I still haven't fixed it. Maybe after I've been on a third date with the same man....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 11:48:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

That was so much fun.

Thursday, March 26, 2009 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Just start taking slats off the fence and burning them...that will keep you warm and expand your property line.

Friday, March 27, 2009 8:22:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

ftn - Extra points to you, sir, for giving me some Styx. ON A POST ABOUT WOOD!!!

Sherendipity - Fun...and a little sad when you consider what a giant post I made out of nothing! ;)

Bogart - That fence has become my nemesis! I'm plotting against it daily!

Friday, March 27, 2009 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

bernthis - Whoops! How'd I miss you in there?! Maybe getting that fireplace fixed after the third date with the same man might help to get those fires stoked? ;)

Friday, March 27, 2009 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger James Scolari said...

fifty-five friggin' comments? good heavens, you're positively famous!

and to think I knew you when you were, er... well, hehe, we'll just keep that secret.


my word verification, btw, is 'throf', suggesting, um, ah, a synonym for the dastardly crime itself!... or no, surely it must be an acronym for the nefarious organization ... hm, could it be "the honest re-possession of firewood?" are you sure y'all actually paid for that tinder?

Friday, March 27, 2009 2:44:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

... - Who would have thought I'd have these many words to spill, eh? Should it ever happen, you're still getting pimped for the book jacket photo, dear!

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:09:00 PM  

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