...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

it's peanut butter jelly time! except no. no, it's not

I put up with quite a bit in my line of work. Toilet seats constantly being left up. A garage that looks more like a warehouse than a vehicle holding tank. Snoring. Grunted responses. Questionable underwear. It's tough being the only female wading through the raging tide of testosterone in my house.

But this?

This, my friends, is an outrage (and the shadows in that ominous photo also make it look terrifying)!This is what I found this morning when I decided, as I do every morning (were I a creature, my name would be Habit), that a slice of delicious, melty peanut butter toast would be the best way to start my day. But no. Not today. Because The Others who live with me left me with this! Is this the first time they've left an empty jar out to taunt me? No. No, it is not. In fact, as usual, I fell for their "Heh, heh, heh...we'll put the lid back on the jar to make her believe there's peanut butter in here. Again. If our mouths weren't clamped shut with delicious globs of extra chunky, we could hide in the corner and laugh and laugh when The One Who Is Not Like Us discovers our tom foolery!"

Sure, there are probably some of you out there who are saying there's enough of the delicious spread in that jar to scrape out and slather onto my bread, but to that I say BAH! We may be living in difficult times, people, but I shall not taunt my toast with minuscule amounts of peanut butter! Why, there's not even an errant peanut in this jar to make it worth my while.

So, what am I going to do about this? Well, for starters, I have screwed the lid back on the empty jar and placed it back in the pantry (where - shocker! - I found only the heel pieces of the only remaining loaf of bread in my house...nice...), and, like I do when I walk into a bathroom and find the toilet seat left up yet again (and again and again and again...)(almost to the point where I feel like I should just give up and buy a Go-Girl)(but no), plan to use this as another in a long line of successful teaching moments I've been employing since I said "I do," and heard "It's a boy!" and that is the 'Do not mess with me' lesson. Clearly it's working well.

I'm also going to eat the last Pop-Tart.

p.s. - True story - I buy Wal-Mart's brand of super crunchy peanut butter (choosy mothers may choose JiF, but I choose to save a buck). A couple years (or maybe it was earlier this year since I can't keep track of all this chaos in the world. What is this swine flu business, anyway?) ago when the government warned us away from certain peanut butter products due to salmonella, I laughed like a super hero and kept feeding my kids peanut butter sandwiches from my Wal-Mart jar. I kept dipping in and enjoying, too. Then, one day, when the jar was pretty much empty, my Mom forwarded an email with an updated list of recalled products and their lot numbers. Naturally, my jar of peanut butter was from a recalled lot of Wal-Mart brand peanut butter. Two days later, my kids became adverse to sunlight, began screeching rather than talking, and I'm pretty sure I heard them plotting to take over the world when I thought they were actually asleep. Somehow I was immune to it, and after multiple viewings of I Am Legend, I knew what I had to do to save the world. Except not really. I just watched the movie a lot even though I thought it sucked. Instead, I threw the jar of peanut butter away and got paranoid every time one of the boys said they had a stomachache. You're on your own with this swine flu business.

p.s.s. - This was supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post. If you just look at the photo and don't come this far with the words, I suppose it still is, but you really miss something in the delivery if you do.



Blogger DKC said...

That is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:18:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

Holy Shite! I was First!!!

Now I know it's going to be a good day. Even if it didn't start with a piece of peanut butter toast. Which I am now craving.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Please tell me that you put the lid back and put the jar where it belongs. Because surely you won't be the only one to suffer like this.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:22:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm sorry your children are darkseekers, but the fact that they prefer super-crunchy peanut butter to human flesh is kind of a best-case scenario.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

You need to keep a spare jar in the cabinet. I won't live w/o one in reserve.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

Totally unacceptable!

And this ties right into me shaking hands with lepers.

I don't know how, but it should. Essentially, I think you and I are immune and we'll be saving the world one day.

We should brush up on our science skills.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

I have fallen victim to this tragedy as well.

The only thing you can really do in this case is ground them until they are old enough to buy their own damn peanut butter.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

My kids do the same thing with Kool-Ade and then they act all innocent and say, "What? There isn't any left?" because they KNOW the person who finishes the Kool-Ade has to make the next pitcher. I drink a lot of water. And coffee.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe I actually heard your cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" all the way here in Michigan this morning. Those punks. I'd sell 'em. And leave the Pop Tart box in the cupboard and taunt them with it like "Oh, you want a Pop-Tart? I believe there's a box in the pantry muahahahahaha."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chunky? Huh, what's all the fuss?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Hmmph. . . I bet a spatula could get you a slice's worth of PB outta that jar. . .

But I hear ya re putting the jar away empty (or at least, the moral equivalent of empty). Our teenage sons not only drink milk from the jug, but they put the empty jugs back in the fridge!(*Deep breaths; deep breaths*)OK, better now. . .

I know I'll make myself popular around here by saying that I've never understood the whole Toilet Seat Controversy thing. When I was growing up, my mom and my sisters just put the seat down, if it was up. Maybe they were weird that way. . .

And that 'Go-Girl' thing has the look of one of those things that works better as a concept than in reality. . .

But hey, my WordVer is 'ettes'. So maybe I should just shut up, and admit that it's a women's world. . .

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Do what I do - HIDE food like a squirrel. I've got chocolate and Pepperidge Farm cookies hiding in all sorts of places around here.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger txsjewels said...

...the go-girl made me laugh out loud. thank god i have girls, but do they put back empty cereal boxes... it's just wrong. keep a mom-stash... mine has twix bars...cuz ya never know

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You have the BEST Wordless Wednesdays!! Keep it up!!

(I LIKE words!) :)


Wednesday, April 29, 2009 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

I think I'm married to one of Desmond's teenage sons.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

That is messed up!! In our house we like to drink all of the milk except for one tiny teaspoon and return the carton to the fridge.


Someday I'll wise-up and get out of bed before everybody else and get to the food first :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm so sorry... I hope they all have severe peanut butter withdrawal and learn their lesson.

And I was kind of obsessed wtih I Am Legend for a while after I saw it. I am not a good candidate for last human standing since I can't run fast and have no idea how to install iron shutters and that kind of thing... Now I'm going to be thinking about that movie all day...again.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

you should eat all the ears off their chocolate bunnies, replace them with cotton balls, re-wrap them and ....oh never mind.

Replace the chunks in the next jar with something 'healthy'.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:47:00 PM  
Blogger Peggy said...

I'm pretty sure in some states, that is legal grounds for divorce!

Oh, the horror!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 1:10:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Sadly this is the kind of thing that gets my anger out. You actually seem to be doing a good job of keeping the lid on (pun intended). As far as the toilet is concerned, at least they put the lid up and don't spray the seat (okay, bad humor there). Best of luck with the lessons.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

The only thing worst is opening the Moose Tracks container and the freezer and finding not even a peanutbutter cup. I so hate that.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 2:36:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Travesty of justice. Some stealth peanut butter finisher needs to get themselves to the store. I feel the same way about the milk in the morning. What? You're three? Get your ass to the store and get momma her cereal milk.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 4:12:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Pure meanness there.

And by the way that was the longest Wordless Wednesday post ever. But I loved it.

You just needed a carton of milk with 1/2 a centimeter left in it to go with.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...


Questionable underwear: check.One heel of bread left in the pantry:check. Grunted answers:check. Taking a rejuvenating dip in toilet water in the middle of the night because I was hoping to stay half asleep by leaving the light off and the toilet seat was up: check.
Sometimes I think you may be my doppelganger.

Might I suggest placing a spring loaded snake in the empty jar, putting the lid back on it, and placing it back in the pantry? I mean, if the underwear is going to be questionable anyway...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 4:32:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Oh, and since I'm in evil take over the world mode, I once scraped the centers (I might have licked one or two) out of every Oreo in the cookie jar, put the cookies back together, and placed them nicely back in the jar.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Your lack of peanut butter is depressing me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 5:07:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

i gotta say, seriously, with a rubber scraper you could easily get enough PB outta that jar to very nicely cover the top of a slice of bread and let me tall ya i am a bit OCD about how to spread PB. every molecule of the top of the bread has to be covered by an even layer of whatever is being spread on it. seriously, this is a job for super lime defender of truth, justice, and the toilet seat being put down. though i do feel your pain, remember my bit about not having a drop of milk left by my dairy guzzling boy a couple of weeks a go...you have my utmost sympathy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 6:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peanut butter is kind of totally my favorite food. Peanut Butter Fudge is the best thing ever. That picture is sad. Now I really want some peanut butter.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 6:11:00 PM  
Blogger Evil Twin Sister said...

I don't have time to read *every* comment you have (even though they are wonderful, I just know!), but here's what I would do:

Go buy your own jar of peanut butter, leaving the empty one in the cabinet. Put *your* jar in the closet with the towels ('cause I'm sure boys never get clean towels on their own until theirs actually stand up by themselves!).
DO NOT REPLACE THE EMPTY JAR WITH A FULL ONE! Just keep your own, stashed away for your own use.

And when they ask "where's the peanut butter" you can tell them that it's at the grocery store, and they'd know that if they ever went!

That'll teach 'em!!!
Big Evil Grin Hahahahaha!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 8:33:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Brenda said...

I have yet to see a cleaner empty PB jar. The Others have some mad skills. ;-)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 8:45:00 PM  
Blogger sam {temptingmama} said...

Ugh. I am so upset by the image of an EMPTY peanut butter jar haphazardly tossed back in the cupboard that I don't even know what to say.

That's wrong on so many levels.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

I feel your pain, but also must point out that you yourself, in your last post, labeled yourself the "Poor Planning Mother." If the peanut-butter-eating-imps find and read this blog, they'll merely cite poor planning for the lack of peanut butter.

Just sayin'


Thursday, April 30, 2009 12:10:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

As another lone female in my male dominated domain, I am truly sympathetic.

I can't tell you how many times I've nearly fallen into the toilet. Apparently there's no compassion for the woman who cleans that bowl.

Looking at the comments, I'm clearly not the only one who finds empty milk cartons in the fridge, but, peanut butter? At the rate we go through it, I have enormous stock piles. Come on over. I'll set you up with some.

Mine's from Costco.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger Miss Lexiloo said...

The lack of peanut butter is tragic...

...but I must admit my amusement that GoGirl offers clothing and gear.

I too live in a testosterone-filled world. I'd take empty containers every day of the week if I could just have one day without the fart noises.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

You get empty peanut butter jars and I get milk containers with barely a drop left. Infuriating.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 3:27:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I too have an unholy love of peanut butter..... okay not so much but I do like it a lot. I am a more of a creamy kind of guy but I have been known to get busy with some extra crunchy.
In seeing that jar I know that there is only a enough in there for half a saltine or ritz.
You may need shock collars to train that family of yours....

My favorite peanut butter was also recalled during that crisis....

Thursday, April 30, 2009 5:56:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Commiserations. I am weeping for your lack of peanut butter.

How about a sandwich instead?

Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:52:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

will you be horribly upset if i tell you I'm eating PB toast right now with my cup of coffee? sorry. truly.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 8:22:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You know what I would do as pay back? I take all the Wii Games, remove the disc and put the empty case back.

Ha! Don't mess with me!

Thursday, April 30, 2009 9:30:00 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Before my life took it's recent left turn to hell...I was cooking up a post about how my family--which consists of two DAUGHTERS--always leave me empty boxes in the freezer and empty margarine tubs in the fridge and empty "peanut butter" jars in the pantry (oh and oatmeal and granola bars and bread bags). And so I'll just leave you with this...POST STEALER!

However, because I'm nice, I will give you one small pin-point of joy...I bet sons do not leave you an empty box of tampons.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

I love the fact that you aren't wordless on Wednesdays.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

Damn straight!

Eat that last Pop Tart. Then, leave the empty box, with the foil, in the pantry. Make sure you put something of weight in there to arouse the taste buds for the plethora of Pop Tart goodness that should be in there, but No! No!

A vast wasteland resides in that box marked Pop Tart. Vast....save for a pack of Wasabi Peas.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:45:00 PM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I would be so sad if my jar of peanut butter was empty.
Sad enough to go to the grocery store and only bring home healthy food..........no junk food!

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I also have boys in my house that do things like that. It makes me want to kick them out and tell them to go make their own pb&j sandwiches from now on! Take that!

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

CRUNCHY! If I wanted peanuts I would have bought peanuts. Creamy is the only way to go and that is word.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger kaila said...

The only thing worse than not having peanut butter for your peanut butter toast, is having peanut butter but no milk with which to wash it down.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 2:13:00 PM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

LOL! I fucking love you, honestly.

Never quit blogging, I will stalk you if you do!

Thursday, April 30, 2009 3:16:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...


I am desperately allergic to peanut butter. I can feel my throat swell even by looking at that picture...gag...argh...hg...aaag

Dave falls on the floor, unconscious.....

Thursday, April 30, 2009 4:23:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Come to my house for peanut butter toast. I always buy the pb, and no one eats it, but I never remember it didn't get eaten, so I always have at least 6 jars before I start giving it away as door prizes. And I throw away half a loaf of bread and half a gallon of milk a week. When will I learn? (don't answer that)

Thursday, April 30, 2009 5:39:00 PM  
Blogger Amy W said...

Ingrates. I can't believe they would do that to you. Actually, I'm afraid I CAN believe it. Because I live in a house full of men. And I've actually gotten a carton of eggs out to find only a few empty, crusty shells left in the box.

Like I said.


Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:06:00 PM  
Blogger Drama Queen Jenner said...

It was much better the wordy way. :)

Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

My sister used to do that and it drove me bananas. I'd go in the fridge to see what we had and my mom would go grocery shopping thinking we had certain items already and thus they didn't need to be replaced. Alas, we'd open the thing and there would be one bite left of whatever and it was several things she'd do this with.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:48:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

My man does that all the time. Now we have a rule. Never ever finish something. For example, I hardly ever eat snacks but every once in a while I might want a cookie. Now if there are 20 cookies in a package and he eats 19, it's only fair he not eat the last in case I go looking in the cookie jar. He can only eat it if I give the green light.

It may sound likes he's whipped but.. well, he is. ;o)

Thursday, April 30, 2009 9:35:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I feel your peanutless pain. Myself, I am a smoooooth type of girl. This may or may not refer to peanut butter....BUT. I have a wonderful addition for you. If you sprinkle cinnamon (apple pie spice, ginger, whathaveyou) and then BROWN SUGAR on top of the ooeygooey peanut butter, your taste buds may light up with happiness. I also like my peanut butter on a blueberry bagel in the AM, along with a giant cup of freshbrewed Starbucks. Dammnit. Now am hungry!

Also, August! Jonas Brothers live! Maybe we can't date, but you can at least crash on my couch, right?

Saturday, May 02, 2009 3:02:00 PM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...

1. I hate it when people do that.
2. I love peanut butter toast.
3. This choosy mom chooses Skippy usually. Creamy though, not chunky.
4. Swine flu is silly.
5. I totally have a new identity, so don't forget to update your feed reader! I'll need to retire the old feed in June because the old domain is expiring.

Friday, May 15, 2009 7:19:00 AM  

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