...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

what you gonna do with all that junk? all that junk inside your trunk?*

*and several of life's other mysteries that continue to perplex me.
  • Remember when I used to blog regularly? Ah, yes. Back in the olden days. I remember the spring of 2009 fondly. Good times. Good, good times.
  • Have I told you lately that I love you?
  • Did you know that song was one my husband and I had performed in our wedding, which, coincidentally, also took place in the olden days?
  • What is it about Frisbee golf that compels players to strip off their shirts and play bare chested? Every night when I ride my bike through our city park, I feel I must pay a cover charge and maybe order a plate of questionable nachos because of all the half-assed nudity being flung around there along with the flying discs. By half-assed, I thankfully do not mean bare assed...though I fear it's only a matter of time.
  • Is anyone else as scared to light their gas grill as I am?
  • Remember when I wrote meaty posts ripe with topics for potential discourse and compelling opinions that successfully swayed your mind on topics important to the masses? Then you've read this far and didn't realize until just now that you were on the wrong blog.
  • What's the deal with those door-to-door Kirby vacuum salespeople, huh?
  • Why does my neighbor seem to annex more and more of my yard every time he mows? And why does it make me stressed out and annoyed that he's now basically mowing my entire front yard, because hey! Free lawn mowing!
  • Maybe it's just me, but when any of you see a bulging garbage bag tossed recklessly into a ditch, is the first thing you think, "Hey, I wonder if that thing's filled with severed body parts?" That's just me, isn't it? Because that's the ONLY thing I think when I see one, and if I see TWO garbage bags tossed recklessly into a ditch, I morph into Buffalo Bill asking "Oh, wait. Was she a great big fat person?"
  • Why did YouTube recommend Celine Dion's video for "Think Twice" to me when I went there to look up a "Silence of the Lambs" clip?
  • Why can't the neighborhood children remember to ring the doorbell like I've kindly reminded them to every time they come here and press their sweaty, slimy kid faces and hands against my windows? There's enough DNA on my front door to replicate an army of children, and maybe I'd be compelled to do just that, but if science has shown us anything, it's proven that we couldn't pull off flying cars by 2010 AND that messing around with cloning never goes well. Also, these children have already proven they have poor listening skills and I don't need any more of that going on in my life.
  • You remember a while back when I asked you what you thought of when you see bulging garbage bags tossed recklessly into a ditch? Good times. Well, what's your thoughts on spying an old Styrofoam cooler on the side of a gravel road? Is it to tsk, tsk someone so uncaring about our environment, or is it to enact the final scene of se7en, like I did yesterday while driving home from work? "What's in the box? What's in the #&@ boooxxx???"
  • You ever think maybe I read too many horrifying books? Well, try this on for size. When I see one shoe on the side of the road (say it with me now - "What's up with that?"), I always hope the person who owned that shoe was running so fast they ran out of that beat up New Balance and saved themselves from their potential attacker. However, if I see a PAIR of shoes strung up on an overhead electrical wire (kids, those are how old timers got power to their homes), I think it's an unfortunate the victim made their attacker so angry they threw their shoes up in the air as if to show their victim they were mad before, but now they're REALLY mad.
  • Remember how frickin' hot Brad Pitt used to be?
  • How awesome is How I Met Your Mother? Seriously.
  • How old is too old for tossing up the rock hands? Before you answer, bear in mind I ask as a 42 year old woman who is, at this very moment, pulling off some seriously awesome pig tails that, on first blush, might make you think I look like the world's oldest preschooler. I ask because I'm guilty of tossing rock hands at various points in any given day, and sometimes when I do, I notice the younger people - those it would seem would be more attuned to tossing the horns - looking at me oddly. Is it because I gave the salute after the delivery of some less than awesome news, or because I'm too old for the rock? The lifestyles newspaper in my state publishes a lot of photos taken at bars and public events and in almost every photo, there's a group of people who, when in front of a camera, resort to the rock hands and I just think "Well, that's really a shame," so now I'm curious and maybe a bit paranoid.
  • \m/ \m/
  • Can you believe I didn't write jack for two weeks and then I came back and gave you this?
  • Any questions?

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

How I Met Your Mother is the best show on TV. Hands down.

Welcome back.

What is this \m/ \m/ ??

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Well, just lately, I've been feeling like I must be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of the Old Bloggers Home, with an e-blanket draped over my lap, rambling on about all my old friends who've passed on. . . So, do ya mind if I set my rocking chair next to yours?

An' listen, once you went to the garbage bag full of severed body parts, it was just natural to think styrofoam cooler with a severed head in it. Or maybe a heart on ice. Just sayin'. . .

A couple of my sons have seriously taken up Frisbee Golf this spring/summer; one of 'em even has a bag with his 'set of clubs' - something like five different Frisbees of various sizes/shapes/weights for driving/short game/putting/etc. I've never gone out with them, so I can't comment much on the shirtlessness; altho, one of 'em still sags his pants to the point where 'half-assed' might have a rather more literal meaning than might be preferred. . .

WordVer = 'woona' Whatever that might mean. . .

\m/ \m/

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 10:20:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell@yahoo.com said...

Where have you been? Why were you gone? Where do babies come from? Why is the sky blue? Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone?

And sorry, but whenever I see the \m/ all I think is HOOK EM HORNS.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

i only think "dead body" when i see a garbage back that is a weird shape. bulging garbage bags say "people who don't recycle" to me. bulging garbage bags left in the ditch say "people who don't recycle and are also bad stewards for the environment" to me.

now, coolers on the side of the road: DEFINITELY have severed heads inside. and depending on how many severed heads, that shit would get heavy, fast. i can see why people would just be like, "eff this. i don't need a trophy that bad." and leave the severed heads by the side of the road. i agree though, tsk tsk serial killers, styrofoam is bad for the earth.

one abandoned shoe on the side of the road: alien abduction.

i am terrified to light the gas grill, which is why i won't. i love to bbq food, but not enough to risk blowing myself up in the process.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Remember when you used to comment on our comments?

I too wonder why our neighbor keeps mowing 2 'lanes' of our grass.

I do not use our gas grill. It seems too dangerous.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Retrodiva said...

You're never too old for the rock hands. At least, I hope this is true, or I am walking around looking like a real ass.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:57:00 AM  
Anonymous kdiddy said...

Your comments about your thoughts on bulging garbage bags made me think about my habit of scanning the roadsides for discarded corpses (garbage bags or no) while riding in the passenger seat and I realized that this is not, in fact, a service that I provide to humanity but actually kind of messed up.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

This post had me laughing so hard I was close to tears. No one's given me this much funny in a very long time. Has anyone ever compared your brain to a pachinko machine? Well, now someone has.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

When I see a garbage bag on the road, I always swerve around it. you think dead body..I think abandonded baby. I know, I know, that's just wrong...but I can't help it.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Also - one abandoned shoe is probably an idiot teenager playing a stupid prank on one of his buddies (who might not be such for very much longer). . . And I also went right to the pair of shoes draped over the overhead power lines with that, also. Which is much the same thing. . .

I have personally depilitated the back of my hand with my gas grill on multiple occasions. And my eyebrows once. Which is not as bad as it sounds, but not great, either. . .

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

I, I think I love you!

This rocked. In fact, I'm throwing the rock hands for the first time in my life right here in my office.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

we got stuck with a Kirby salesman for 3 hours once. Then we moved and they called again. I let them into the house, refused to talk price before they cleaned my rugs, and when they were done, I showed them the door. That was fun.

I always think kidnapping when I see a white panel van . . .

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 3:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

I adore you.

Also, I TOTALLY think there's a body in those ditched garbage bags! My husband told me I read too many serial killer books. But REALLY!

Never seen a styrofoam box though... stolen kidneys?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I always go straight to severed body parts. Also, I always want to know where those people are going who are walking on the highway. How did they get there? Where are they headed? Are the ambulatory hobos?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 8:02:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma/Two Funny Brains said...

I'm not just trying to get into your blog pants, I swear, but: I ALWAYS go right to severed body parts and Gwyneth Paltrow's head when I see a bulging garbage bag and old Stryofoam cooler, respectively.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:09:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I relate to much of this. When you get into cabs - do you check to make sure the locks aren't filed into points?

Thursday, July 01, 2010 7:00:00 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

A) Each, and I mean each, time I see a garbage bag on the side of the road I instantly feel bad for the missing victim inside of that bag. And then I wonder why they didn't just throw that bag full of hacked body parts into the nearest river instead of the side of the road.

B) How I Met Your Mother is one of the best shows, and super halaaarious to boot.

C) I used to like Brad Pitt when he didn't diss Jennifer Anniston, didn't look homeless, and used makeup to cover the pits in his face. Yes, he used to be hot.

D) The frisbee golf comment made me laugh out loud at my desk, thank you for that.

Thursday, July 01, 2010 8:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

OMG, I had NO idea about the shirtless requirement to play disc golf! I know a girl who plays it - what a slut!

Thursday, July 01, 2010 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Look. You've got to stop your neighbor. NOW!

If you don't, all that lawn he's mowing? Becomes his. It's a fact. How do you think the Louisiana Purchase went down? Think we paid for that land? Nope. Thomas Jefferson just kept mowing more and more of Napoleon's lawn each week.

Thursday, July 01, 2010 9:20:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Wow. We don't hear from you for a couple of weeks, and then you get diarrhea of the mouth. Cool!

You need to have a neighbor like my old neighbor. He was so annal retentive. He actually SPRAY-PAINTED a line on the sidewalk to show where his property ended, and THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE HE MOWED UP TO. Not one in more. Dick.

When I see a bag of garbage on the side of the road I think: pigs!

I ALWAYS wonder about the lone shoe on the road. I think, was the person hit so hard by a car that he/she flew right out of their shoes and only one stayed on them? What happened? Why do we see so many shoes on the road? WHY?

I don't do the rock hand shape - I'm too busy doing the arms-trying-to-cover-my-fat-in-front-of-me-thingy. But you rock on, sista!

Friday, July 02, 2010 9:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a very nice blog you have here. I like the words a lot.

Friday, July 02, 2010 2:22:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

1) I love this post. 2) I am terrified to light our gas grill.

Friday, July 02, 2010 11:07:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Totally petrified of the grill.

Totally think dead body when I see a garbage bag.

Totally love rock hands thrown by 40 year old's. The youngsters got nothin on us.

Saturday, July 03, 2010 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

You. Are a riot.
And I'm afraid to light my gas grill too...

Saturday, July 03, 2010 7:41:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I was going to toss you the "\m/" hands, and then you beat me to it. Guess that makes me 38.

Always think dead bodies in the garbage bags. blech.

Always think of siblings fighting in the back seat when I see random clothes on the freeway, and when i see shoes on the wire, drug house ... even if it's clearly been done by kids who's mothers are going to be furious with them for throwing their brand new shoes up on the wire, or at their brother, because there is no drug house, just bored kids.

Saturday, July 03, 2010 9:41:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

You rock.

Monday, July 05, 2010 7:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I just got MPS to download Meet Joe Black.

Brad Pitt at his hottest.

I know there was more to this post but I spent an hour today googling pictures of Brad for my post (yeah, BEFORE I read this!) and now I need some recreational Brad.

Excuse me...

Tuesday, July 06, 2010 5:12:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

well given that we had a series of body filled bags discovered along the highway a few years ago the styrofoam cooler would make me think "stolen kidneys."

and hang on a sec while i finish braiding my hair then i'll throw my hands up like i just don't care.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010 8:39:00 AM  
Blogger MillionMama said...

Oh Hi, yes, first time reader, first time caller. I'd like to request a song, it's "Stay Young" from INXS' first record. I'm throwing up the rock hands and you. are. hilarious.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:35:00 PM  

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