...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, July 26, 2010

honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'

Hey gang! Let's play a game I call "Who's Day Sucked More!?!" It's a spin-off of the wildly successful party game "Oh, Trust Me, I Am SO Much Sicker Than You!!!" of which I'm the reigning world champion.

(My husband spent the entirety of last winter suffering from pneumonia, became anemic, AND THEN developed pneumonia-induced asthma that he still suffers from today, which is his excuse for not mowing the yard, but oh, I'm on to him there, friends! However, my non-drugged, rapid-fire deliveries of his two heirs and the weakened bladder muscles I'm forever reminded of as a result thanks to a wee bit of, well, wee brought on by every sneeze, jump, or casual run I take means I win. I WIN INFINITY!)(Also? Hahahaha...me? Running? Hahahahaha! Priceless!)

The rules of this game are simple. We all sit back, sigh with as much resignation as we can muster, and then toss the day's horrible experiences back and forth until a winner's declared. I say declared, but bear in mind, there's no way you're going to beat me at this game.


OK. We all begin with 120 'This Sucks!' points because it's Monday. These points are a given. Next, I'm going to subtract 100 million points from my score, leaving me with a deficit, because, as I do every day, I went through this one without coffee. Some of you need it to survive, but I don't. Does that make me stronger than you? Debatable. However, you now all have 120 million points.

(Is that right? No, that's not right. Is it? Jeepers, math is hard!)

I know you're probably feeling confidant. You think the massive points spread that separates all of you from me is so vast there's no way I can beat you.

Think again, losers!

(sidebar - I do not now nor have I ever considered any of you to be actual losers)

(You're all going down, though!)

OK, now, go ahead and tell me a few of the horrible things that happened to you today.
  • You got stuck in a bear trap and had to chew your own leg off below the knee to escape? Yowza! Thirty points!
  • Your boss yelled at you and made you cry? Ouch! That probably seemed like it sucked! Fifteen points!
  • Your name's Tommy and you used to work on the docks, but the union's been on strike so you're down on your luck? That's tough. Fifty points.
  • You forgot to hit 'save' the entire time you were writing what was to be the next great novel (or Twilight saga)(bazinga!) and your kid ran through the room, tripped, and yanked the computer chord from the wall, causing your hard work to disappear? Bummer, dude. Eight points (mostly because I can't believe you never once did a 'save as').
Now it's my turn!!
  • Ten minutes after arriving at work in the children's department (automatic 100 points) at the bookstore, a mother changed her toddler's diaper right there in the department. What's the big deal? Hasn't that happened before? Yes. But just let me tell you! She spread that kid out ON the Thomas the Tank Engine train table and yanked what was, without a doubt, the rankest, most excrement-laden diaper I've ever been witness to off her child atop a play set revered my millions of children daily at my store. No amount of Lysol I could (did) spray on it after she (tossed the diaper in the waste basket right next to my customer service counter, of course, awesome, thank you) left could kill the issues that presented. Listen, I know the train table is awful. Personally, I never touch it. EVER. If I find a toy train somewhere other than on the table, I use a tissue to pick it up, then go scrub my arms down, Silkwood-style. Every child who plays there sticks a train either in their mouth or nose. Many have eaten off it. Kids have peed on the floor around it. Hair has been pulled and punches thrown. I've witnessed gangland murders go down around it. It may seem like a bathroom, but it ain't no bathroom! Gah! Two million points (Plus previously mentioned 100 points)(You do the math)(I'm serious)(Please?).
  • As if poop couldn't dampen my day, what say you to puke? "Oh, now you're just pulling our leg, Fadkog! First you have what's possibly a dead, poop-entombed animal festering in your wastebasket, and now you're going to tell us there was puke involved in your day, too?" YES! Just before I was going to take my (much needed) break, a child yakked her lunch up right in the center of the department. Delightful! It appears she'd enjoyed some Chik-fil-A about 45 minutes prior. Who cleans that up? Ahem...ME! As a result, I'm now totally off the bird. And probably waffle fries, too. Ten million points!!
  • After poop and puke, I needed one more thing to make this day a triple crown winner. Luckily, I got it. Ready? PENIS! Dear heaven, yes! Penis capped my work day off in fine fashion when I was shelving young reader picture books and rounded a shelf to find an elderly gentlemen tucked in a chair in the corner, thumbing through a book on the Third Reich. No big whoop, I thought. It happens. Then I noticed his shorts were uncomfortably short. So short, in fact, they appeared to be riding way, way, WAY up his leg. So far up his leg, in fact, I was left dumbstruck when I realized his penis had ventured out and was reading along with him. Awesome (in a completely, absolutely not awesome way). Thankfully, no children were around, and I alerted a manager to handle the matter. Then I awarded myself 90 trillion points.
Of course, this clearly makes me a winner in today's game (and I'll willingly submit to a drug test if you pansy out and make claims I'm 'roided up), but because my easy win had my adrenaline pumping, when I left work, I figured why not go for the bonus round! As soon as I punched out, I headed to Kohl's to burn a $10 voucher. I need some new black shoes for work, so I made a beeline for that department to hunt for a comfortable pair. As I approached a young man working in the department to see if he could help me, I realized he was on the phone with a customer, so I stepped back to wait. As he spoke, he was waving a black tennis shoe around in the air, and then he described the shoe to the customer.

"To be honest, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like this particular tennis shoe. They look exactly like something a really old lady would wear," he said.

I glanced down at my black tennis shoe-clad feet, then back to the one he had in his hand. It was, of course, the same shoe.

Of course.

So when he finally got off the phone, I offered him a Werther's Original, yanked a tissue from the sleeve of my shirt, dabbed at something on his cheek, then shuffled off as fast as my tennis ball-tipped walker and my old lady tennis shoes would carry me.

945 kabillion trillion million points to me! SQUARED!!!



Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

That penis sighting gave me a flashback of my highschool job at the Gap and the numerous times the girls working the dressing rooms had to find the manager because some strange guy left the door open so we could watch him NOT try on clothes. Well - it WAS in Georgetown...

Monday, July 26, 2010 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

You think you had a tough one . . . Gina works the diner all day. Working for her man, she brings home her pay. For love.

For love.

So, you know . . . I can't believe you saw an old guy's penis, is what I'm saying here.

No changing room in the bathroom? For the baby. I mean. And the old man.

Monday, July 26, 2010 11:33:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

You work in retail... at a mall... you win just on that alone. That's a quintillion points as it is....

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 4:55:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

You have an unfair disadvatange. Poo, puke, old man penis all outside your own home on very same day while wearing old lady tennies? If someone who's not fighting a war can beat that, I wanna know.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 5:38:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Retail is the best, isn't it?? LOL! I want to know what the manager did with Penis Man??

Our pediatrician's office has really nice computer made signs in every exam room stating to not dispose of diapers in the waste cans. Maybe you can make some of those and post them around your store? Along with a special sign for the Thomas table, that it's not a changing table!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 6:34:00 AM  
Anonymous twobusy said...

The fact that he was reading a book on the Third Reich is what reaaaaaaally pushes it over the top.

*slow clap, building to wild applause*

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 8:19:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Wow. . . The Three P's, all in one day. . . I was gonna say you need to get out of the Children's department once in a while, but, uh, that didn't exactly fix it, did it?

And the 'old-lady' thing? Seriously - get over it. He's just a snot-nose kid; what the hell does he know? Say it with me - 'I need comfortable shoes; who cares about style?. . . I need comfortable shoes; who cares about style?. . .'

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 8:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sheesh, you win. Although, the old man penis story reminds me of the first ever real penis I saw not attached to someone I'm related to (Four older brothers, of course there's going to be some kinda penis sightings). It was at church camp and a boy was wearing boxers with shorts. Yup, sat the wrong way and there it was. I couldn't stop looking at it. Of course I didn't tell him about it but man oh man. Also, I was sixteen. I was a late bloomer, ok?

Sorry your day sucked that much. I think your prize should be a brownie. And some m&m's.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

well i haven't had a triple P day in man ya year but i worked at a special ed camp and during those times i had triple P days as a matter of course. oddly enough i got my degree in special ed as a result of that job.

please no comments on what must indicate my own mental illness or brain damage.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 9:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Well, the old dudes penis DOES have an eye and a head, maybe it WAS reading.

Ok. Probably not. But have you considered asking the poopy diaper lady if she'd like to eat her lunch at the table she had just desecrated? That was just gross & inconsiderate. (That from a guy no less!)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Indi said...

I went to the dentist today. I have major problems right now and to fix them it's going to coast me £5,000. How sick I now feel. That is my shittiest day so far this year. As you can imagine, I donot have that kinda money... Oh and another option is for them to break my jaw.... for reasons I wish not to go into!


Tuesday, July 27, 2010 12:02:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Just as long as you didn't raise the flag to salute Little Hilter, then all is well again in the world.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Thank you for making me feel better about my rotten day. Yours definitely topped mine!

You poor thing.

When I worked at the public library and some kid puked, my boss just KNEW not to ask me to clean it up because I have SYMPATHY vomiting. That's right. Puke on top of puke. Not pretty.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 5:20:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I hate it when I run into a random penis becuase it just means trouble (or pregnancy). Anyway, I just wanted to declare that YOU WIN!

Also I was with a woman on a 'playdate' one time at the train table at the local Chapters and she did the same thing. I was mortified when she tried changing the child right there and before I could jump in and say 'WTF?' and employee told her to move to the restroom because that's what they are made for. It's not rocket science people, restrooms are for poop (and peni).

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 7:43:00 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Dear Lord! What a nightmare of a day. Thanks for having me rolling with laughter, and relief, that it was your day not mine!

Geez, I work in a bookstore, too, and I am soooooo glad to have not experienced poo, puke, or penis in there yet.

Kind of regretting typing that...have I jinxed myself??

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

I thought for sure you were going to find a penis poking through a book shelf from the other side, winking at you.

You know, as in saying "Dude I've had a shitty day too, look what my guy makes ME do..."

(I will spare you where the rest of that sentence was going)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 7:26:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

No F-ing WAY did that mother lay her child on the train table--What the HELL?!!!!!!!!??????? ICK

Wow just wow!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 7:26:00 AM  
Blogger Leandra said...

Uh, yeah. You win. It was the penis that totally put you over the top, though. There are some things that should just never see the light of day.

Also? My kids are NEVER touching the Thomas train table again. EVER.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 1:19:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma/Two Funny Brains said...

OK. But were you wearing rouge and White Shoulders?

Because then I will award you 89 thousand infinity googleplex points.

But until then. You still only have 945 kabillion trillion million points squared.

Thursday, July 29, 2010 1:25:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You WIN. You wiiiin. Times a zillion million billion.

The prize? A PENIS. Which is kinda an anti-prize, I guess.

Thursday, July 29, 2010 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

This is one competition that I'm pleased not to win. Office life might be dull, but that clearly has some advantages.

Thursday, July 29, 2010 1:09:00 PM  
Blogger Bekah said...


I have a blister...still, you win!

Thursday, July 29, 2010 5:41:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

You win. Forever.

Friday, July 30, 2010 6:40:00 PM  
Blogger tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Good God. Yes, you win, for which I am grateful!

I remember seeing the penis of my boss as he strutted around in his 70's era jogging shorts. Nothing says "professional attire" like 25 year old shorts at an office. Especially with your third eye peeping out to wave hello.

Saturday, July 31, 2010 6:56:00 AM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

I notice that most commenters are focusing on the three Ps. Clearly, the shoe episode is the horrifying topper of the day.

People just don't understand the indignities you're forced to suffer when you work in retail.

My deepest sympathies.

Saturday, July 31, 2010 11:46:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I haven't the maths to win, FADKOG. Sorry there. Haven't the marbles for the maths.

Saturday, July 31, 2010 1:38:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

The line about his penis reading along with him made me laugh out loud.

And I thought dealing with crazy brides was bad. You totally win.

Sunday, August 01, 2010 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

The title of this blog is my ALL TIME favorite line of Samantha's from Sex and the City. Good reference, chick!

Thursday, August 05, 2010 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

LOL - you totally deserve all of those points! I think you're bad day was far worse than most of my bad days combined. Congratulations on your win.

Saturday, August 14, 2010 10:47:00 AM  

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