...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

if you don't hear from me for a few days, hope for the best, but expect the worst

I came home from work an hour ago to find my husband and sons missing.


I know what some of you might think (How? Why, thanks to my amazing power of thought stealing, of course! Bwahahahaha!) if you were to come home and find your loved ones (and your husband)(it's been a long week, friends)(Wait...it's only Tuesday? Damn...) absent from your home.

You'd think aliens abducted them!

Trust me, it was the first thought that crossed my mind, too.

No, I take that back. My first thought was "Well, it's good to see the mess they all created yesterday, the mess I'm purposely NOT picking up so they learn to be responsible, is still scattered throughout the place! Nice. Reeeeaaaal nice."

THEN I thought aliens.

OK, that's not true. After bitching about the mess, checking to see if anyone had found the stash of peanut M&Ms I have hidden behind the Tupperware, changing into a pair of shorts, and clearing out voice mail messages, THEN I thought aliens had swooped down from the heavens and taken my family. Personally, I think it's the aliens navigating that mysterious glowing sausage that was spotted floating over China last week. I think they want to probe my children's knowledge of video games for new and exciting offerings from Nintendo, offerings that will hopefully be available for purchase in time for Christmas 2011!

I honestly couldn't imagine what aliens might want with my husband, even after spending this past hour mulling it over. The only conclusion I've come up with is maybe they want to harvest the vast knowledge of space and space civilization he's gleaned from hours spent watching ScyFy channel programming. Seems plausible.

Then, of course, I remembered. They left this afternoon for their Second Annual Testosterone Throwdown (and fossil hunt)!

So, do you know what that means?

If you said "You're going to spend the next two days fighting for your survival and trying not to freak out by every damn noise you hear when it gets dark and poor whittle baby has to go to bed?" then see what I mean? I TOTALLY CAN STEAL YOUR THOUGHTS!!

Of course, that's exactly what I'll be doing. Trying to stay alive while alone in my house. Listen. I know it's tempting to drop everything you're doing right now, Google Earth my exact location, marvel at the caulk jobs Tool Man has done to the house over the years by basking in the site's street view option, stop at a convenience store for Cheetos and Red Bull, and then drive like a maniac for the next 4 to 26 hours until you arrive at my front door, pound on it, and successfully scare the ever-lovin' bejesus out of me, but I'm begging you, think twice. Then think two more times. Between the Chinese UFO and not one, but two chupacabra sightings in Texas last week, well, I think we all know it's just a matter of time before my much feared Bigfoot comes to stand under the streetlight I look toward when I peek out my bedroom window every night before bed.

Oh, mark my words, friends, it will happen one day. I just pray a Loch Ness monster doesn't rise out of the man made lake across the street from my house first.

"Great. So NOW what are we going to do with our time?" you're thinking now (do I really need to explain this to you a third time?). "We can't come hang out with and/or scare the hell out of you, you probably wouldn't share your peanut M&M stash with us, and listen, if we're being honest here, we're just as scared of Bigfoot as you are, so tell us, what can we do now?"

Glad you asked.

Please, please, please go visit me at Polite Fictions! Remember that awesome collaborative fiction site I'm part of with a band of awesome writers who keep me around because they're wacky? Click on that link and go read my newest submission! We're all writing on the theme of "What happens after...", which opens up a ton of ideas. There's just three so far (mine is the third, but please give some love to the ladies who've laid the smack down before me, then return for the gauntlet tossing the rest of my friends will be challenging you). Listen, I know we're all busy, and who needs (exasperated sigh) another (geez!) website to visit, but honestly, do this, please, because it's like a free gift of awesome for you, and you're not even going to think about wanting to return it. Critics call it "Thoughtful AND thought provoking!" and "THIS is why the Internet was invented! Who said it had anything to do with easy access to porn? Did you say that? Well, you're wrong! It's this!"

Did you know I fuh-reak the hell out when it's my turn to write for Polite Fictions? Oh, baby. In fact, to say I freak out is a slap in the face and complete disservice to the word. I go loco. Maybe that's evidenced in what I produce. I don't know. I'm a wee bit of an over-thinker (so as you can imagine, it's exhausting trying to steal my own thoughts), but I could use some feedback on what I've written, so I honestly would love it if you'd take a moment and visit.

I'd also love it if you didn't prank call my house over the next two nights and yell things like "Boo!" or tell me how much you want to do me, because that once happened to me when I lived alone and the dude sounded EXACTLY like my boyfriend at the time, and listen, um, I may have ::finger quotes:: talked ::end finger quotes:: to that stranger about some things I only talked to my old boyfriend about, which probably explains why he'd call every night at 3 a.m., for two weeks solid before I got wise. Oh, yes, I got wise, but that doesn't mean I'm not still a big old weenie (and that may have been part of what I talked about with the stranger...anyway...)

Long story short, please go read my newest attempt at fiction, won't you? Now that I know my family is safe, I'm going to go bask in the quiet and watch what I want to watch. At least while it's still light out.



Blogger Craig said...

". . .a big old weenie. . ."

I don't get it. . .


Tuesday, July 20, 2010 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

and it's a two-fer... we get to read yet another hilarious post here, *and* a really well-done piece of fiction, over there>>>

no, that way >>>

(I promise I won't rap on the windows at 2:00 am, too)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 6:38:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I totally missed the Chupacabra news!

See? You're fun AND informative.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 7:50:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

So I'm NOT allowed to practice my heavy breathing on the phone to you? Humph.

Enjoy the quiet. I'm gonna go read your other thing!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

was there a report i read of yetis in your area?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger Kyddryn said...

Aww, dang...and I was going to throw a bag of Twix miniatures and a half-gallon of Breyer's Caramel Praline Crunch ice cream on dry ice and head that way (as soon as I figured out where "that way" was). Sigh (not to be confused with a panic-inducing snort or heavy-breathing warm-up).

There are no Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) here at Casa de Crazy - the Evil Genius will assure you that his Mommy is the scarriest thing going 'round here, and if monsters or aliens try to get him, she'll stomp them into the dirt. I'm so proud of my budding redneck spawn!

Meanwhile, I'm going to read your story and then cath up on Chupcabra news, because I do so hate to be behind the times...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (whose verification word is "faboincy", which sounds to her like a dryer sheet, or a really complicated trampoline trick)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 9:31:00 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

i would say "enjoy your time alone," but i guess THAT'S not going to happen w/ Bigfoot on the loose. Can't wait to check your fiction. Writing fiction scares me more than hanging out w/ Bigfoot!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

If I had your number I'd call and in my best Hannibal Lector voice say, "Hello, (your real name here)."
But only after I've informed you who I am and after your mens got home as to not scare you. then I'd get your address and send you a tub of pink frosting and an ice cold beer of your choice....

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 5:26:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

It always comes back to Bigfoot, doesn't it?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 5:55:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

I, personally, would have thought you'd JUMP on the "ME" time, except for the dark nights.

You don't have a dog? Or a friend who can stay the night?

I guess the only solution would be to either drink a lot of liquor before going to bed or stay up real late; in either case you would just zonk out and sleep the whole night.

I'm off to read your other installment on the other site!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...


Now I can't get "The Dream Police" out of my head. You've not only stolen my thoughts but invaded my sleep. Damn you.

Thursday, July 22, 2010 5:20:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Here we go with Bigfoot again ;--)


Thursday, July 22, 2010 8:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry, I'm supposed to be home alone on Saturday so Big Foot will be scaring me instead of you for at least one night.

Be brave, my friend! And thank goodness the peanut M&M's are still there!

Thursday, July 22, 2010 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Glad they are not REALLY MIA after all. Enjoy the quiet.

Thursday, July 22, 2010 11:23:00 AM  
Anonymous twobusy said...

That's some damn fine PoliteFictions pimpin' goin' on right there.

Thursday, July 22, 2010 3:12:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

I totally saw that Chupacabra thing, I don't even need to click on the link.

But you already read my Chupacabra/Mexican Dorito post.

Most likely I am NO help at all.

Thursday, July 22, 2010 9:52:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

abducted by aliens would be cool.

Friday, July 23, 2010 7:01:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Okay. Am I crazy or is "abducted by aliens would be cool" a movie quote?! I can almost hear it in my head, but I checked IMDB and came up empty. That's going to drive me nuts all day.

I was going to suggest your family was abducted by Bigfoot - but then I thought that would be mean.

Friday, July 23, 2010 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

Girl, you'll be fiiiiiiiine. Listen, you have prepared for zobies and guess what? That kind of preperation will keep away regular mortal predators.

I love how you stash sweet treats and then think about them when your family has gone missing!

Did you see the episode of Seinfeld when Elaine went to the hospital to see her boyfriend bc he was in a car wreck and she stopped on the way to pick up Mike and Ike's and the boyfriend was so pissed about that he broke up with her? That's totally something I would do (stop for candy - not dump someone bc they stopped for candy).

Friday, July 23, 2010 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Craig - I could put a spin on that one, but that's what got me in trouble with the crank caller!

Sailor - Thank you for sparing me the 2 a.m., fear!

Chag - I'm like the Wonder Twins, only single.

Maggie - Well, you can call in the daytime and do the heavy breathing, but I think it's night where you are when it's daylight here. So, I guess, no? :)

Lime - You hush your mouth! ;)

kyddryn - I may be willing to amend my conditions for candy and ice cream!

Anna - I spent a large chunk of my alone time checking and double-checking door locks. I am a piece of work!

Savage - How about a tub of ice cold beer and a container of pink frosting?

Cocotte - Always and forever. That's how tight my relationship with Bigfoot is!

Pat - Thanks to the magic of an OTC sleep aid and insisting my internal voice shut the hell up, I was able to sleep semi-well!

Cheryl - Believe me when I say I often have Cheap Trick playing in my mind!

Christina - Bigfoot and I clearly go way back. Way, way back! :)

Meg - I'm thrilled to know we both survived our alone time. THIS TIME! :)

Under the Influence - It seemed like I just blinked and they were home again. Alone time is never enough time!

twobusy - I do what I can with what I can!

A Vapid Blonde - Your snake story totally scared me off the chupacabra for a moment!

William - I think that would be true only if they were the non-anal probing kind.

justmakingourway - "Abducted by aliens would be cool" WOULD be an awesome movie quote. So would "Truth be told, I'm more worried about my ham," which is the one I tried to get started while on my lunch break today. Honestly, my ham sandwich was a bit dicey looking!

Bex - I have seen that episode, and trust me, it would be me, too. I'd even consider detouring at the hospital gift shop and paying the hefty mark up for candy before going up to the room to visit my loved one!

Monday, July 26, 2010 10:41:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home