...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

oh, i, i just died in your arms tonight. or maybe you died in mine thanks to the potential for smothering. hugs?

"Your arm is as flat as a pancake!" I declared as the nurse gently peeled away layers of cotton and bandages from my son's left arm earlier today. "It looks like you got steam rolled in some kind of crazy cartoon world!"

My son broke both bones in his forearm two weeks ago, the result of an unfortunate and quite volatile mating dance between his scooter and an in-ground sprinkler head. He's not entirely clear how it happened. The events leading to the attack have been slowly trickling back into his memory like post-battle field flashbacks. What is his major malfunction? Coordination, apparently.

As you can imagine, we've spent a tremendous amount of time these past 14 days talking about his arm and arms in general, and as we waited for the nurse to see if they had glow in the dark casting material (thank goodness, no) we marveled at how compressed his arm had become after this initial healing time in the splint.

Once he was casted - all the way to his armpit in bright blue battle armor - we waited in the exam room for the doctor to let us know the results of the day's second round of x-rays. To bide the time, my son decided to play junior orthopedic specialist and began examining my arm. After a few moments of careful inspection that involved putting me through a variety of range of motion exercises, he began poking my upper arm, then started singing my diagnoses.

In all honesty, it's not a good one.

"Oh, gigolo, hello! Hello, hello gigolo! Hello, gigolo, hello!"
he loudly crooned as his fingers sunk deeper into what delicate ladies might refer to as the mud flaps on my apparently doughy upper arms.

"Hello, gigolo, hello! Gigolo, hello!"

When they're not busy caring for my family and doing what they're designed to do, which is to hoist delicious fistfuls of microwave popcorn (and ice cream and macaroni and cheese and oh, look! Snickers!) to my mouth while lifting nothing heavier than the television remote, they're providing paid companionship to lonely
ladies. Considering the amount of money I need to come up with to cover the medical expenses we're incurring thanks to my son's broken arm, it's probably a good thing my appendages have taken on a side gig. I just hope they're clear they need to charge more for SOME of those jobs. And, hey arms, no kinky stuff!

I probably should have been (wait for it...) up in arms (totally hilarious, right?) over his diagnosis, but I was afraid waving these flappers of mine around haphazardly could have knocked the kid off the exam table, and I didn't want to take the risk of having him break his other arm.

"I think you mean 'Hello, jiggly!'"
I corrected him. "I also think I'd like to know how you know the word 'gigolo.'"

But before I find that out, I'm wondering if I should sue him for malpractice.

Oh, but the cuteness! Could you just die?! And could you die from flabby arms?



Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Aww! Love that sweet pic!

My kids call my flabby arms cafeteria lady arms, b/c that's what I called them as a kid, before I realized I'd ever have them myself. Argh.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Now I have latent images of Deuce Bigalow running throughout my noggin... I need to rent that again....

Thursday, September 09, 2010 3:56:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

We were lucky to have escaped any broken arms here! What happened with BIG FOOT?

Thursday, September 09, 2010 5:37:00 AM  
Blogger Leandra said...

My step dad calls arms like that Hoppy and Bob and I've also heard them referred to as Bingo Wings. Unfortunately, I has 'em. BUT, I'm busting my ass twice a week at boot camp to not have them.

Man, a glow in the dark cast would be the coolest thing ever! That's what you should come up with to make some extra money. All the boys would be all over that!

Thursday, September 09, 2010 7:19:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

In the Queen's English, they're called squishy bits. Who's teaching this child? Gigolo? Really?

It's a damn good thing he's adorable.

One final thought, call it a 2nd opinion, but I honestly don't think one can die from a case of mudflaps extremis.

Thursday, September 09, 2010 7:24:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

My sister refuses to wear any article of clothing that shows her upper arms. Will not do it.

He is so cute though - I don't think anyone would mind him playing with their "lady bits" (as Cheryl said, which made me laugh!)

Thursday, September 09, 2010 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger Bekah said...

my junior high choir teacher had the worst arm jiggle I have EVER seen. It was legendary in my district. Even the parents cringed at our holiday concerts.

Why did she always have to go sleeveless? Thats what I want to know?! It was December!

Thursday, September 09, 2010 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

OK, I won't tell you that my wife calls those 'bat wings'. . .

But, I'm guessin' yer sweet boy doesn't really know the word 'gigolo'. 'Cuz, you know, if he did, he might not be using it to refer to his mother's bat wings, uh, arms. . .

Probably thinks it's some kinda cross between 'jiggle' and 'jello'. . .

Thursday, September 09, 2010 8:44:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

He probably learned the word gigolo from all those Van Halen cd's (cassettes?) you've been blaring.

Thursday, September 09, 2010 10:58:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I am picturing David Lee Roth singing and pushing and pressing your arms.

I hope he heals well.

Thursday, September 09, 2010 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

You made me guffaw with this: " the result of an unfortunate and quite volatile mating dance between his scooter and an in-ground sprinkler head. "

Dear Lord, you crack me up. And that is one sweet little picture.

And I don't know if flabby arms could cause one to die... unless... like, for example, if I wave my arms I could totally knock someone out with my bat wings. That could cause someone to die.

Thursday, September 09, 2010 11:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor kid. He looks like a trooper, though. And a funny one at that!

Thursday, September 09, 2010 1:57:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I'm going to a Target tomorrow and I'm packing my camera......

Thursday, September 09, 2010 5:25:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I'm sooo not gonna ask if he ever did say where he knows the word gigolo...

Cute shot, indeed! Wonderful!

Thursday, September 09, 2010 6:02:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

The kid does know he lost all unnecessary present privileges with that bullshit, right?

Thursday, September 09, 2010 9:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got that David Lee Roth song in my head now. I am going to have interesting dreams. Never broke a bone in my body (knock on wood) and was always jealous of the cool kids with casts.

Thursday, September 09, 2010 9:36:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

He is too cute. I use my arm flab for cleaning. Instead of sponges or paper towels, Spritz a little clorox cleaner above my elbows and go to town.

Friday, September 10, 2010 7:49:00 AM  
Blogger The Lady's Lounge said...

I have my kids very well trained in this area so there isn't a jiggly part, a cellulite lump, a bald patch, a hairy patch or a roll on this body.
Well, not when I'm in the room at least.

Friday, September 10, 2010 3:35:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Obviously he found your secret stash of David Lee Roth solo albums.

Friday, September 10, 2010 5:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Boo PLAYS with his aides flabby arms. And she loves it.

Methinks that woman has a very healthy self esteem.

Boo's cast comes off on Wednesday (I HOPE) His isn't nearly as awesome as your kids though, just plain old plaster and bandages. That he like to take off in the middle of the night and chew.

Sunday, September 12, 2010 1:39:00 AM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

Beware those wily sprinkler head predators! One of them took out my husband's knee cap back in the day. I'm so sorry one got your son's arm.

I call mine simply "arm wattle". I think I like everyone else's nicknames better.

Sunday, September 12, 2010 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

I may have broken his other arm the one with the hand that was poking the gigolo.

Hey action=reaction!

Sunday, September 12, 2010 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

hey look at it this way....you could have the cast AND the jiggly upper arms. that was me 4 years ago! of course, given the extensive damage i inflicted upon myself, after the cast was removed hoisting cake to my lips with that arm was considered therapeutic...

poor lil punk. prayers for quick healing.

Sunday, September 12, 2010 3:35:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Just got caught up on all of the posts I missed here (seems I wasn't reading for a while...) Loved the bullets (expecially the "would you rather" - that would be a big problem for me as I can't think about those kinds of things without passing out. Seriously - it makes me feel faint when people bend the cartillage in their ears.

I'm sorry about the cast - but yes - he is totally adorable. "Gigalo" is hilarious. I'm dying.

Monday, September 13, 2010 5:02:00 PM  
Anonymous meredithblumoff said...

i don't know how i have just now found you, but damn, gina, you're hysterical.

love it!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 8:12:00 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Sweet boy. Love how well you keep your sense of humor, you had me giggling, and I hope he is back to 100% very soon.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 11:32:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Anna - I refuse to look at my rear view, so that means I am refusing to believe my kid. I am basically raising a liar. :)

Savage - I've never seen that movie. I know. I hope it doesn't tarnish your opinion of me!

Cocotte - I'd have been happy to keep our streak injury-free. I hope we're done from now on!.

Madame Queen - I just learned of the term 'bingo wings' after this post, but I must admit, I still don't get it!

Cheryl - I think I may actually die from him being so adorable. I think that's an actual AMA classification.

justmakingourway - We talk a lot about how the boys shouldn't be touching any lady's bits for a very, very long time! ;)

Bekah - I will likely never know the apparently exhilarating magic of going sleeveless!

Craig - The kid sneaks some hardcore rap in from time to time, so I'm going to credit that for the term. Or cable TV. That damn Disney Channel! :)

Bex - Better that than explaining to him the acronym for 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.' :)

William - I hope if I ever encounter the real David Lee Roth, he doesn't come anywhere near my gigolo arms. Same with Sammy Hagar.

jenny - I try not to sleep with my arms above my head so as not to suffocate myself in my sleep. :)

Meg - He's a pretty awesome kid, even when he scares me with the medical emergencies!

Sailor - I blame the crazy rock and roll music these kids are listening to these days.

Libby - Believe me, I schooled him. I also gave him a healthy dose of stink eye to drive home the point.

DC Urban Dad - Casts are cool until the stink rears up. Then not so much!

Homemaker Man - I use mine to help dry my hair faster. All that flapping around as I'm brushing and twisting creates quite a breeze.

The Lady's Lounge - I'm training my boys now to turn a blind eye to any possible flaws so they'll make excellent husbands one day. Never will they respond with anything other than sunshine when they're asked "Do these pants make my butt look fat?"

Always Home and Uncool - I'm ashamed to say that's a pretty strong possibility.

Kelley - Glad the cast came off without TOO much issue!

Weirdgirl - I call mine "I have no idea what you're talking about." :)

A Vapid Blonde - Heh...I am having to tie his shoes anyway... :)

lime - I dread thinking what they'd charge me to use all that extra plaster wrap if they had to wrap my arm!

Kate - In light of this new experience with broken bones, I still think I'd take the annual broken fingers over the Dorito eye scoop.

meredithblumoff - Ah, thanks! The funny comes and goes, but I'm glad you got here when it was hanging around!

anymommy - He's hanging in like a trooper. Far better than I imagine I would be. I'm sad to admit I'd be whining a lot!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

AWWWWWW!!!!! sweetie!

Coordination is not a strong point in our household either--so I'm sure we have good times to come!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010 9:05:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Christina - I honestly don't know how I've made it this far as a parent and not have something like this happen sooner! I'd be OK if we were done, though!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010 9:47:00 AM  

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