so this is christmas...

with an assignment those in the retail world like to call 'fuck you, thanksgiving,' i spent a portion of my friday night at the bookstore unpacking and arranging hundreds of christmas cards. at least, i assume they were christmas cards. there wasn't one among them that contained some ethereal angel, a baby in swaddling clothes or even a hint at the image of jesus. i gotta say, nothing warms my heart like celebrating the birth of the christ child with images of cute furry kittens in stocking caps (it took a lot for me to type the word 'kittens' for some reason), wacky penguins decked out in colorful scarfs and ice skates, obscene cartoon reindeer caricatures and barely clad women in elfin wear.

so of course, i picked up some with the snarky reindeer and mrs. claus questioning santa about the scratch marks down his back. my friends expect nothing but the finest in stupid seasonal humor from me.

had to fight the crowds to get into the store friday night. we've been prepped for christmas since mid-september, but shoppers are now descending on us like a fresh kill in in the jungle. the news tells us (so it must be true) that shoppers hate to be rushed into the christmas buying season, but they're out there, spending money i wish i had. local reporters ask how to show your displeasure at the way christmas has creeped in on us sooner every year. unfortunately, they're asking shoppers at the town center where i work who bitch out of one side of their mouth about how awful it us, but just as giddily tell you out the other side that their shopping is done, packages are wrapped and therefore they're superior and you are a pathetic loser.

bookstore shoppers are normally calm, but there was an edge in the air friday. fierce cutting in line at the checkouts, some testiness when asking me to find a particular book ("i don't know who wrote it, what it's called or anything about it. i just saw it on tv." to which i say, "stick to watching tv."). a word of advice to you bookstore renegades. take a deep breath, enjoy the christmas music we're already piping through the store, bitch about the appearance of yet another rachael ray cookbook and before you know it, i'll be ready to serve your customer service needs. and if you know the book title, that's gonna make me a happier person. i can't do much with "i think the cover has some red in it."

i realize, of course, that i'm tackling two cliches in this post - the sudden holiday season and the stranglehold rachael ray has on our world (people love to bitch about her but they keep eating her up. therefore, she wins) and for that, i apologize. it can't all be great writing and they can't all allude to my kickass rack.

to wrap up ("praises to the unseen christ child!" you're perhaps crying. thanks for sticking with me. sorry this is all i've got), the holiday season is here. if you're having a hard time accepting it, maybe you can turn to the man who fully encompasses what the season is all about. if you think that's god and all, good luck. you won't find him anywhere, it seems (sorry. that's three cliches now, which is really not like me at all!).

no, i'm talking about billy idol.

yes. the man who gave us 'white wedding' is releasing his own version of 'white christmas' and other seasonal classics on his very own christmas album this month. this, my friends, is the kind of thing i live for. sad, i know. but not as sad as what has become of billy idol. i'll just close my eyes and pretend this is really 'rock the cradle of love,' wonder if this is what he had in mind for his life back in the generation x days and countdown the hours until he shows up on a season of 'the surreal life'.

enjoy. and don't say i never give you anything good (and be glad i spared you the 'jingle bell rock' clip).

Billy Idol's